I don’t see why everyone’s so worried about H1N1. Do you know what’s way much more contagious than swine flu? I’ll tell you what: cologne. Bad cologne. You can catch it from someone just by being in the same room. Or pizza shop.

You’d expect to come out of a pizza shop smelling like pizza, right?
Not so.

I stopped into Original Famous Ray’s last night, because that’s where you go when you’ve just had a night of wine and chips and wasabi peas with a friend and thought you didn’t need a real dinner but then change your mind on the way home.

It’s also, apparently, where you go when you reek of cologne.

I was waiting to order, and next to me at the counter was this guy, in a black leather jacket, high-waisted jeans and spiky, jelled hair. I could see his scalp. He looked like the town drug dealer or troubled new kid on a soap opera. You know — the 16-year-old “bad boy” who looks 30 and always hangs out by the Port Charles docks, doing something nefarious.

His aftershave was a special kind of nasty, but I didn’t move away.  I was too fascinated by his interaction with the guy behind the counter. He asked, “Hey bro. If I buy two slices of pizza, will you cut me a break?” The kid shrugged and gestured towards the guy at the register. He was the one to ask. So Fake Bad Boy shouted his question down that way: “HEY CHIEF, IF I BUY TWO SLICES WITH BROCCOLI, WILL YOU GIVE ME A DISCOUNT? FOR VOLUME? I’M TALKIN’ LIKE, 50 CENTS OFF.”  Guy at the register also shrugged, because what did he care, and made a “yeah yeah, just come pay what you have” gesture with his hand.

How could I not watch someone negotiate for a discount on the lowest-priced meal in the city? This person was too cheap to be true. My curiosity trumped my nose, and let me tell you, my nose was gagging.

What I didn’t realize was that just by standing next to him, I was catching a bad case of his crappy scent. A toxic mix of I don’t know what – flowers and curry? I smelled it all the way home, and then when i started to eat my pizza. I determined that the stink was on my hands, and went in the kitchen to wash them with concentrated dish soap.  But when I went back to my pizza, I continued to get whiffs of Eau de Fake Bad Boy.

It was clearly still on my hands, but I thought the pizza smelled, too. So I took my hands out of the equation. I put my slice down on the floor and bowed my nose to it like I was in a mosque. Yup. Contaminated.

Pizza with mushrooms and cologne is not good.

I think people who splash on that much fragrance should be quarantined. It’s irresponsible to go walking around with a smell that can infect everyone else.

Then again, I should thank him because I didn’t really want to eat that pizza. The wasabi peas were enough.