When I was getting my coffee at the shop on the corner, I heard someone say, “I learned a lot in the last year.” She had a baby in a stroller who looked to be about a year old, so yeah, I bet she did learn a lot in the last year. Everyone says you…
Author Archives: Laura
Confessions of a Closet Chip-Hoarder
When did I turn into a chip person? You know, someone who keeps chips in the house. I never used to do that. I’d eat chips at a party, but I wouldn’t go buy them at the store. They’re junk food, and go against my college-girl-on-a-diet training, which is: pretzels and rice cakes only. I…
Birdpoop, ghosts, and obesity: a Halloween list of my top fears.
Halloween is almost here! Does that excite me? No, it scares me. Here’s why: The parade. There’s extra adrenaline in the air on Halloween. People are buzzed on candy and sexual possibilities. People like that, in a crowd, are trampling and suffocation waiting to happen. My fear of getting crushed to death gets a spooky…
Apple Memories
I’ve used Apple computers since 1982.* Before my family got one, my computer experience was limited to the one at school. It was at a desk in the center area, and we’d all wait for our turn to sit and use it. It had glowing green type on a dark greenish screen, and the…
Horsemeat is the new beef, and other notes from vacation
Just got back from a trip to Italy. By “just” I mean Monday, and it’s now Friday. I always regret telling people the actual day I’m coming back, rather than lying and giving myself a few extra days to pretend I’m not here. But I once had a boyfriend who did that, and he was…
Where were you that day?
For months after September 11th, strangers in New York talked to each other. If you were in a restaurant or a doctor’s waiting room or on the subway, you’d inevitably overhear someone talking about the attack. And you’d join in. You’d ask where they were that day, and tell them where you were. The people…
Eating Irene (a tale of panicked supermarket decisions and devastating caloric damage)
I just threw out half an apple cake. I should probably do the same with the unopened pretzel m&ms. Too late for the Baked Lays, the Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips, and both pints of Haagen Dazs. Oh, there’s also the nub of a blondie from the Korean deli. I could toss that. I normally…
Sometimes the squeaky wheel looks like a dipshit.
My dad loves the expression “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.” He also loves demanding oil when he’s told there is no oil, or that the squeaky wheels aren’t allowed to have it. Which brings me to another favorite expression of his: “Would it be possible for you to make an exception?” The lesson I…
Things I’m dumb enough to half-believe
I’m a smart person, but part of me is stupid. Or maybe it’s not part of me – maybe it’s just living inside me, like a tapeworm. Except it’s a brainworm. And instead of eating my brain, it feeds my brain, with stupid ideas I know are wrong but somehow still think are true. Does…
Luxury Crack Den Oasis! A guide to real-estate speak.
My husband and I are looking for a new apartment. No, that’s not ours in the pic above. But we could still use an upgrade. We want a real kitchen, a second bathroom, and a second bedroom for my office. (For some reason, Steven doesn’t love having my piles of papers and DVDs in the…
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(Comes with free house-breaking wee wee pad!)
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