Gimme a break

gimme a break

You know what the phrase “gimme a break” does to me? It creates total chaos on my head, which starts playing two tunes at once. One is the awful Kit Kat jingle — even more awful when they do the instrumental version made up of the sounds of breaking Kit Kats. How did a candy brand manage to…

Nobody Likes Me

play with i

Ready for my big grammar pet peeve? Oh. I know, from the title, you thought this was going to be a self-pity piece about what a friendless loser I am. Don’t worry (especially you, Mom) — people like me. I know this because I say it in front of the mirror every morning. Technically, I should’ve called the…

7 Kinds Of People You Meet In Crazy-Town

drama where

1) People who say “I have a larger than life personality” just have larger assholes.  Gaping ones. 2) People who say “I don’t need the negativity in my life” and “I just want to surround myself with positive people” don’t know or like any positive people. The closest thing they have is a cheap “healing” candle that…

The million-dollar pickle story

pickles

I believe, with all my heart, that everyone has a story to tell. Whether they should tell it, or know how to tell it, is another story. A story I will tell right now. So I’m at the pickle stand on Carmine and 6th Ave, asking the guy for samples. (If you think that all my human interaction centers around…

Wayback Wednesday: P.S. I Loved This Store

My birthday’s coming! No presents, please. But if you must, I like anything from P.S. I Love You. Oh, sorry, scratch that. The store, which was near our house on the Upper West Side, no longer exists, and I’m no longer 12. But if this were 1981… You could buy me anything from P.S. I Love You and…

Normal is amazing.

I HEART NORMAL

Hey there, all back to normal! Oh right, you missed the part where it wasn’t normal. Last night, Steven and I dropped by a neighborhood place, Claudette, for dinner. We ate at the bar, and toward the middle, somewhere between the cauliflower appetizer and our chicken tagine, my ankle started hurting. Really hurting. It hurt like…

Who would you be if money didn’t matter?

feathers shrimp

  Today, an ad in my Facebook feed asks, WHO WOULD YOU BE IF MONEY DIDN’T MATTER? And then it says, FREE Video Series Will Help You Discover Your Personal Path to Financial Liberation! The image below is a woman – the actual person who’s going to teach you this path – in a thin, 1970s style halter top cut down…

This Sh*t’s Hard. (Or, 13 things I’ve learned from blogging every day)

your mind

Par-tay! Today I’m celebrating having blogged every day (OK, weekday) for a straight month. I started mid-August, but then I took a vacation, so I’m only counting since after the vacation. Because I’m that tough on myself. I’m my own tiger mom. No praise for you! Get back to your piano scales! Four more hours…

Walking and texting: Rules of the Sidewalk (Or, In Which I Am Tripped By A Bum)

your bad

If you’re texting or reading from your phone while you walk, it’s on you. You bump into someone? It’s on you. A turning car almost hits you? It’s on you. I’ve thought about this. I’ve planned accidents in my head with approaching people who are looking down at their phones. If that chick doesn’t swerve around me,…

Wayback Wednesday: Boners In The News

tv school

Through 8th grade, I went to a “progressive” school on the Upper West Side. People called it “the TV School” because it looked like a TV, though now that they expanded the building upwards, it looks like a TV with a VCR, TiVo and cable box all stacked dumbly on top of it. Everyone knows you’re…

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