Knee Defender, Shmee Defender. Here’s what we really need.

knee defender

Announcement! Talking Shrimp is going on vacation. No, not without me. I’m on an afternoon flight tomorrow, direct to Napoli, Italy. My husband is probably thinking I’ve given away too much information – like knowing our destination will make burglars more likely to break in. We have an elaborate alarm system of lasers like in Robin…

The back-to-school feeling

stay organized

“Back to school” is in the air, and by in the air I mean on the air, in commercials for Target and Old Navy, because nothing about 80-degree air says “back to school.” It’s against nature that kids have to go back to school while corn and tomatoes are still in season. But the ads and…

Busted!

rotisserie chicken

Here are things I’ve been busted for lately: Checking myself out in a window. By someone inside the window. It was a dark little administrative office at the pier for free kayaking or fishing or something that adventurous people do in the Hudson, and I didn’t think anyone was in there – till I noticed motion behind…

I’m a weak, dirty phone addict.

phone addict

You know how on TV and in movies, when an addict gets clean and then falls off the wagon and starts using again, there’s always a scene of him/ her crying while shooting up or sucking the crack pipe? The face is frozen in a sobbing, rotten-toothed rictus. Then camera pans to zombie-like, drooling junkies all around on  filthy…

Dreams really do come true.

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Nobody likes to hear about your dreams. That is, unless either a) they’re about the person you’re talking to (and that person had a sexy role in the dream) or b) they predict something that actually happened, and it doesn’t sound like you’re making it up. I’ve had prophetic dreams twice. You’ll like these, I’m really…

Nothing is the new anything.

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Where did this blank is the new blank thing start? Was it “brown is the new black” circa 1994? That’s when I first heard it, and I obeyed by replacing all my black accessories with brown. Black boots? Tacky! Brown boots. Good. I hate that saying. Or is it a meme? Is meme the new saying?…

Ten things I do when I’m tired

COFFEE

1) Walk towards mirrors and say “‘scuse me” to my reflection, and try to get out of her way. 2) Have a heartbeat in my eyelid. 3) Get deja vus that become deja vu about a deja vu. Did I think this thought before, or am I remembering thinking I’d thought this thought before, or was…

Opinions are like _____.

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The NY Post ran this “opinion piece” this week. (I won’t link to it, since I need the web visitors more than Rupert Murdoch does.) I guess opinions are like nipples – everyone’s got ‘em, and some people have the need to share theirs with the world – probably after standing in front of a fan –…

How I rock the morning in under 30 steps

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  Now that Ive blogged 5 days in a row (including this one), making me one of the World’s Top Bloggers, people will want to know the keys to my success and creativity. It’s inevitable. I’m not gonna be shitty about it like Angelina Jolie was on the red carpet when E! asked her what she…

There’s a small window.

window

When someone says something and you don’t really hear what they said, because you’re deaf as shit… Or when someone makes a joke you don’t get… …And then you pretend you totally heard it or totally got it, and you laugh along, throwing your head back with appreciation, and say, “Right?” When that happens, there’s a window to…

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