Today is my dad’s 78th birthday.

Buying presents for him is always hard.  Not because he’s “the man who has everything,” but because he’s “the man who wants nothing normal.” Read the rest of this entry »

(*Via sensory memory only. Certain terms and conditions may apply.)

In Europe, they like to pick one song and play it over and over and over. That song, and only that song. Read the rest of this entry »

I started 5th grade in 1979. That’s when designer jeans were “all the rage.”  An expression your grandmother would use, but really – they were the rage.

All the sexy girls in my class wore them.

(Yes, to ten year olds, other ten year olds are sexy.) Read the rest of this entry »

What would you think of someone who, for your birthday, gave you a picture of herself?

You’d LOVE it, right? That’s what I thought.

Well, as a belated 40th birthday gift, I’m giving Sesame Street something even better than a photo of me: a video of me. On Sesame Street.

I was in the show open during the early 70s – the dawn of Children’s Television Workshop. That was THE time to be on Sesame Street — when it was gritty and cool, and cookies were an all-the-time treat.

Sesame Street gave me so much, so I wanted to give something to Sesame Street.

OK, I’m not really giving it so much as dedicating it.

And, I’ll admit, it’s more appropriate as a belated 40th birthday gift to myself.  (Sesame Street and I were born 11 days apart. We’re both Scorpios!)

I think I’ll keep the video and get Sesame Street a gift card to J. Crew. Anyone would like that. J. Crew has such great basics.

I’m at the :30 mark. The very serious 2-year-old on the swing.

My big moment on Sesame Street

Action Park was a water park in New Jersey that deservedly earned the nickname “Accident Park” or, alternately, “Class Action Park.”

Having gone there once a summer to slide head-first down their uninspected concrete water slides, with some fat kid crashing into us from behind every time, it’s a miracle my sister and I are both alive today. I’ll bet one out of every 20 kids who went there left with a missing finger or a split head.

I was looking for a different version of the Action Park commercial, where my sister, then age 8 or so, appears for a fraction of a second plunging into the water.

I think she’s driving a bumper boat or a “water car” or something that I was too chicken to get in myself. I had this notion that a person was more likely to die on that ride than on my favorite, where a tube shoots you out 10 feet over the water like a human cannonball.

Although I couldn’t dig up the ad with my sis in it, I struck gold with this spot. You can’t beat the old people in the middle, with pants up to their necks. Lordy knows why Action Park makes them feel like they’re visiting Broadway – maybe they ran into Tyne Daly on the Tarzan Swing – but I’d like to point out that they pronounce it the same way my dad does: BroadWAY.

Make sure and watch till the end, or you’ll miss the super-enthusiastic serial killer.

Oh, man. Can you believe this got on Ellen? She sounds like me (bad enough) doing karaoke while being waterboarded.

For those of you not familiar with Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim Zolziak is the one with the wig business and the married boyfriend she calls “Big Poppa.” Big Poppa, if you couldn’t guess from the name, gives her money and stuff.

Anyone can pay big bucks to spend time in a recording studio and lay down some truly ear-killing shit. But I don’t know how it came to pass that she got this on the airwaves, or on Ellen. Oh wait. Ellen: NBC. Real Housewives: Bravo, as in NBC.  OK.

Well, NBC Universal doesn’t own me.

The reason “Tardy For The Party” made it to my blog is twofold:

1. I love truly awful stuff
2. It made me think. Read the rest of this entry »

Do they still make Very Special Episodes and After School Specials?

I hope so. They were the cornerstone of my education in Things Not To Do, like drugs, drinking, drinking and driving, bingeing and puking, killing yourself, and getting molested by the nice man who owns the bicycle shop. (Poor Dudley.*)

Those TV shows served me well: I’ve never tangled with drugs, had a problem with the booze, or done any of those other things they have treatment programs for.  But I have fallen prey to several addictions that, I think you’ll agree, are almost as ruinous. Which leaves me to ask:

Where were the Very Special Episodes I really needed? Read the rest of this entry »

I turn 40 today.

When you reach 40, you get nostalgic for things just because you remember them. At least I do. I was like, “remember Menudo?” and then I was like, “Awww, Menudo!”
ABC used to show them in the Saturday morning commercial breaks during the show “Dear Alex and Annie.”

I went to youtube and found my all-time favorite Menudo video, which also made me nostalgic for shopping malls.  It’s called “Shopping Mall.”

Watching it now, I have to ask:
What kind of shopping mall is this? Read the rest of this entry »