Talking Shrimp
copywriting. jumbo style.
When I was 6 and my sister was 3, she copied everything I did. I’m being specific about our ages because when I was 15 and Marian was 12, she was way cooler than I was, and had no desire to copy. She had make-out parties on the loft in my room with her enviously co-ed gang […]
KEEP READINGI’m used to getting catcalls on the street. I’m sorry, that was a typo. I meant to write, I used to get catcalls on the street. These days, if I hear someone yell something lewd or make a kissy sound, I roll my eyes like I always did, then realize that’s presumptuous and do the 16 […]
KEEP READINGThey’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread. Not me, though. I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food. While everyone else was panicking […]
KEEP READINGWas the Woolworth’s from my childhood, on 79th and Broadway, special? Probably not. I bet the residents of the Upper West Side kvetched about it when it moved in in 1957, and said “FAN-tastic. Another Woolworth’s,” in the same way we all do now about another CVS or Bank of America. But I have a soft […]
KEEP READINGWe talk about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, phobias, substance abuse, depression… But what about a time disorder? What do you call it when you never get along with days, hours and minutes? Is there a name for that? When you always have one clock in the house that’s on the wrong hour setting — daylight savings when […]
KEEP READINGI got back from vacation in Tulum, Mexico, and a friend accused me of wanting to have dinner this week just so I could show off my tan. Ha! Shows how much he knows. I haven’t been tan in 20 25 years. [Updated for 2019] First of all, all my melanin has shut down. You don’t […]
KEEP READINGI’m the boss of me. Which means… 1) I have the best boss! 2) I have the worst boss. Best: I’m letting me go on vacation tomorrow, so close to my last vacation. No guilt trip about how it’s “bad for company morale.” No warnings about how this is eating into my summer vacation, or requests […]
KEEP READINGIf there’s ever an apocalypse, I’m going down with the first bunch. I will not be in the group foraging for squirrel meat and setting up camp wherever they find flat ground. First of all, because I wouldn’t survive that scenario. I’ve barely made it through any camping trip I’ve ever gone on. Not once, but twice, on […]
KEEP READINGOne time, on a ski vacation, my dad tried to pimp me. Maybe that’s misleading. He was trying to find me “teens my age.” That was always his thing. Not always teens, but always kids my age. My dad loves meeting people more than the average person loves meeting people. And from his days selling both Catholic […]
KEEP READINGGood news: I have many of the habits of billionaires. I just confirmed it. It’s that insomnia time of the month, which means I was up this morning at 4:30 am, doing all the rituals that help me get back to sleep: watch a so-so show on my iPad (Walking Dead, can’t seem to love it) get up and […]
KEEP READINGEnough enough enough holidays! Don’t mind my grinchiness. Don’t get worried about me. I don’t have a dark past where I was given up to an uncaring, drunk foster mom with a greasy boyfriend on Chanukah, or where we noticed a stink in the house after Daddy went missing on Christmas morning, and then found […]
KEEP READINGI went to Miami last week for a few days to hang out with one of my best friends from high school. GIRL TRIP! Here are my notes. 1) I could live in Miami. I want to live in a room at The Standard or some other hotel that offers both the Times and the […]
KEEP READINGEmails I hate: – Client emails asking for revisions, especially when those revisions are ones they could’ve done themselves in less time than it took to ask for them (“Can you please change the word ‘digital’ to ‘online’ and capitalize the network name at the top of the script? Also, I believe there is a […]
KEEP READINGIn the morning, I like to listen to hip hop radio on my iPhone. I have an app which lets me tune in to any station around the country, though no matter how much I switch around, all I hear is the same Drake song and idiotic morning-show talk. Today on the Orlando station “Wild 94.1” I heard the […]
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