Talking Shrimp
copywriting. jumbo style.
When I was a kid, I was such a user. That’s off-brand for a Scorpio. We’re supposed to be all-or-nothing, I like you or I don’t like you. With Annie Lewis and Karen Poterman, classmates in middle school, I was more, you bug me but you have something cool at your house, so let’s hang. […]
KEEP READINGWe all think about weird things that we don’t have to think about, right? At a dinner party the other night, my friend revealed that she thinks constantly about where she’d choose to be, if there were a choice, in a human centipede: front, middle, or back. In case you don’t know, there’s a movie called Human […]
KEEP READINGSeriously: What is wrong with a person who gets not one, but two juror qualification surveys she could just fill out ONLINE – no messy pen and paper required, no folding of paper and putting into unreasonably dreaded envelope, simply type name and age and check “no, not a felon” and click send, that’s all she had to […]
KEEP READING1) Shook my finger — like a pendulum, back and forth — at a car trying to turn through a just-red light. I actually “tsked” as I stopped the car by walking in front of it, and gave it a “where do you think you’re going, sonny” look. (The driver was an old Chinese lady.) […]
KEEP READINGI hate cult-y behavior. I don’t mean where someone shaves their head and gives their money to a charismatic leader and has sex with him every night until a parent comes to pick them up and finds them in filthy clothes and malnourished from eating nothing but carrots, the one crop grown on the cult property. I have nothing against that […]
KEEP READINGSomeone place the 911 call now. Winter is coming, and for me and Steven, it brings our worst domestic dispute. OK, make it 311. It won’t come to blows, and calling 911 for non-emergencies really pisses them off. I know, because I once called the fire department when I was worried about tree branches that were growing […]
KEEP READINGHappy Halloween! A couple of weeks ago, I heard two moms talking on their way from drop off at the elementary school by my house. Actually, it was just one mom doing all the talking. The other barely had a chance to say “uh huh” and “OK” and seemed sorry she’d gotten dragged into walking […]
KEEP READINGIt’s my birthday! For the occasion, I will answer your top birthday FAQs. Thanks for asking! Any big plans for tonight? Birthday party? Just dinner out, which is fine by me. If I had a party, I’d spend weeks worrying that I can’t not invite you, but if I do, will you mix with my other friends? Or […]
KEEP READINGThis is a proud moment for me. And for you, if we’re so close that you share my wishes and dreams and accomplishments and want to wear me as a skin suit. Ready? Talking Shrimp is all new! OK, not all new. I couldn’t change everything, on account of I hate change. Which makes me […]
KEEP READINGYou know what the phrase “gimme a break” does to me? It creates total chaos on my head, which starts playing two tunes at once. One is the awful Kit Kat jingle — even more awful when they do the instrumental version made up of the sounds of breaking Kit Kats. How did a candy brand manage to […]
KEEP READINGReady for my biggest grammar pet peeve? Oh. I know, from the title, you thought this was going to be a self-pity piece about what a friendless loser I am. Don’t worry (especially you, Mom) — people like me. I know this because I say it in front of the mirror every morning. Technically, I should’ve called the […]
KEEP READING1) People who say “I have a larger than life personality” just have larger assholes. Gaping ones. 2) People who say “I don’t need the negativity in my life” and “I just want to surround myself with positive people” don’t know or like any positive people. The closest thing they have is a cheap “healing” candle that […]
KEEP READINGI believe, with all my heart, that everyone has a story to tell. Whether they should tell it, or know how to tell it, is another story. A story I will tell right now. So I’m at the pickle stand on Carmine and 6th Ave, asking the guy for samples. (If you think that all my human interaction centers around […]
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