Talking Shrimp
copywriting. jumbo style.
Lately, I keep seeing commercials that show someone in front of a computer and say, in onscreen text graphics, “This is Alex. She’s never been on the internet.” If you haven’t seen these, you’ve probably already guessed the joke: “Alex” is a Kimodo dragon. Kidding. Alex is not a Kimodo dragon. Nor is she: A […]
KEEP READINGDon’t look at me… This isn’t about me. I’m never weird about food. I eat for fuel, period! I definitely do not mark my calendar when I’m feeling fat so that I can check back next time I feel fat and see whether it has something to do with the time of the month. These […]
KEEP READINGI’m not normally paranoid. I don’t think everyone’s talking about me. I don’t think everyone’s out to get me, or to steal my identity — even though it turns out they actually are. But, in specific areas of my life, I do think someone’s watching me. There are two occasions where I’m certain I’m being […]
KEEP READINGDear A-hole Who Stole My Identity, Thanks a lot! Yes, I’m being sarcastic. And I continue to be when I say that I hope you’ve enjoyed your shopping sprees at Sears, Kohls, BestBuy, Pier One, JC Penney, and whatever stupid big box store was next to issue you a line of credit in my name. I’m […]
KEEP READINGI was out on the street this morning, doing the daily 3-block walk I try to make myself do if it’s over 30 degrees out. Really 6 blocks, to Citarella, my 3-block landmark, and back. Sometimes I stop into Citarella even if I don’t need anything, because in the winter I need a reward for […]
KEEP READINGIt’s my dad’s 81st birthday. I’m sure he’ll get some Happy Birthday posts on his Facebook timeline. But if I told him to check his timeline, the conversation would go like this: DAD: “Lime line?” ME: “Timeline.” DAD: “Rhyme line?” ME: “TIME line. Check your time line.” DAD: “No need. I don’t have any […]
KEEP READINGI’m in love with our new apartment. I’m not allowed to post photos, because, Steven reminds me, it’s show-offy. I guess it’s show-offy to even reveal the reason he said not to. If I’d just said, “Steven won’t let me post pictures,” and left it at that, it could mean we live in a dump […]
KEEP READING[NOTE: This is a copy of an email I sent to my list. If you’re not on the list, you should subscribe at the bottom.] Hey there — I was just thinking about you. What I was thinking is, if you’re reading this (oh, you are) and you haven’t signed up for Marie Forleo’s B-School, then […]
KEEP READINGI’m writing this from the window of my new apartment. (Visual at end of postl.) We’re on the second floor, which doesn’t sound all that glamorous and does have its drawbacks – I’m talking to you, blinding street lamp at eye level – but it offers some preemo people watching. Douchebags shouting on cell phones, old people […]
KEEP READINGI love to eavesdrop. I wish I were better at it. My friend Victoria can not only pick out individual conversations in a noisy room; she can even stay fully engaged in a conversation while listening to the one at the next table. Super-overhearing is one of the top 3 superpowers I’d pick, right after […]
KEEP READING1) Old-timey apostrophes are goofy. Like in the word “per’aps,” which, I’m ashamed to remember, I went through a phase of saying instead of “maybe” when I was 11. That and the sandals with socks might be why even my little sister stopped thinking I was cool. 2) The weather part sucks, especially when you’re […]
KEEP READINGIf you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the last week… Well, there was a little thing called Sandy. An event during which I thought it would be a tad insensitive, or “tone deaf” to write my silly blog posts. (Yikes, it probably still is.) And if you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the […]
KEEP READINGFor context: 1) My Dad somehow chose a Facebook setting that emails him every one of his friends’ status updates. 2) He responds to these updates by email. 3) This is Simon Doonan: simondoonan.net
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