There’s this twitter user you’ve probably heard of called “Shit My Dad Says.” He’s been on the scene since early Twitter. He tweets shit his dad says, and his feed was turned into a 2010 network tv show starring William Shatner. Except, of course, it wasn’t called “Shit My Dad Says.” It was written “$#*! […]
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The Cab Driver Who Convinced Me to Have Kids
No, a cab driver didn’t really convince me to have kids. But he sure did try. As soon as I got in, I knew he was was going to be one of “those” drivers. You know: the talkative kind. My first clue was that he asked, “How was your day?” instead of asking where I […]
KEEP READINGWhere were you that day?
For months after September 11th, strangers in New York talked to each other. If you were in a restaurant or a doctor’s waiting room or on the subway, you’d inevitably overhear someone talking about the attack. And you’d join in. You’d ask where they were that day, and tell them where you were. The people […]
KEEP READINGThe Sample Whore gets burned
You know I’m a self-loathing sample whore. I wrote a whole post about it here. I become extra self-loathing when my sample whoring backfires on me. Like at the farmer’s market, when the jam turns out to be garlic chutney. Or when I pop a piece of cut-up nectarine in my mouth, and either it’s rotten or, just as […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: You’re Tan Or You’re Nobody
I got back from vacation in Tulum, Mexico, and a friend accused me of wanting to have dinner this week just so I could show off my tan. Ha! Shows how much he knows. I haven’t been tan in 20 25 years. [Updated for 2019] First of all, all my melanin has shut down. You don’t […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: My dad, the ski lodge pimp
One time, on a ski vacation, my dad tried to pimp me. Maybe that’s misleading. He was trying to find me “teens my age.” That was always his thing. Not always teens, but always kids my age. My dad loves meeting people more than the average person loves meeting people. And from his days selling both Catholic […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Puffies, Porn ‘Stache, and Pacman
Where do city kids hang out now? Since they’re all under strict parent and nanny supervision, I guess at home, or those Kumon homework help places, or maybe some franchised indoor bouncy castle center where they jump around while parents sit in a viewing skybox, critiquing their kids’ bounce form and sipping kale smoothies. They don’t have what […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Tales of a 5th Grade User
When I was a kid, I was such a user. That’s off-brand for a Scorpio. We’re supposed to be all-or-nothing, I like you or I don’t like you. With Annie Lewis and Karen Poterman, classmates in middle school, I was more, you bug me but you have something cool at your house, so let’s hang. […]
KEEP READING5 Married-People Arguments We’ll Have Till The End Of Time
Someone place the 911 call now. Winter is coming, and for me and Steven, it brings our worst domestic dispute. OK, make it 311. It won’t come to blows, and calling 911 for non-emergencies really pisses them off. I know, because I once called the fire department when I was worried about tree branches that were growing […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: P.S. I Loved This Store
My birthday’s coming! No presents, please. But if you must, I like anything from P.S. I Love You. Oh, sorry, scratch that. The store, which was near our house on the Upper West Side, no longer exists, and I’m no longer 12. But if this were 1981… You could buy me anything from P.S. I Love You and […]
KEEP READINGThe Boy Who Ate My Challah
This weekend is Yom Kippur, the holiest and highest of high, holy holidays for a good Jew. I’m a bad Jew, so I pretty much ignore it. Though many times I’ve used it as a diet kickstart, because you’re supposed to fast all day. We were never good at that as a family. My parents would […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday*: That’s some hairy frosting.
People seem to like it when I talk about growing up in NYC in the 70s and 80s, so I thought I’d start a series. I’m torn between Wayback Wednesday* and Frowback Friday. My concern about Frowback Friday is that people will pronounce the “Frow” part like it rhymes with “now.” And if I spell […]
KEEP READINGAn overdue letter from naked camp
Here’s a picture of me and my sister on camp visiting day, around 1980. We’re sitting in the camp’s Quaker meeting circle. Don’t laugh at my sister’s shorts. Camel toe was very “in” back then. (Soon to enjoy a renaissance in Williamsburg, no doubt.) My cuffed jeans, you can laugh at. I’m thinking about camp […]
KEEP READINGAm I letting myself go?
I was out on the street this morning, doing the daily 3-block walk I try to make myself do if it’s over 30 degrees out. Really 6 blocks, to Citarella, my 3-block landmark, and back. Sometimes I stop into Citarella even if I don’t need anything, because in the winter I need a reward for […]
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