“Who escalated first? WHO ESCALATED FIRST?” “You obviously think I escalated first.” “When you said that penises make immoral decisions, that was incredibly offensive.” “Your anger impinged upon me, bitch. I’m not apologizing because you still haven’t apologized to me!” “This stuff is not spoken, but it is so felt by me.” “You keep calling […]
KEEP READINGNew York City
Long walks, white legs, exposed genitals and junkies: summer of 2015
This summer, I’m a restaurant widow. My husband, Steven, kicked off the season by opening a new restaurant in Soho right after Memorial Day. (Sessanta in the SIXTY Soho hotel. Tell them I sent you!) When your spouse has just opened a restaurant, you don’t see them much. I know, “restaurant widow” is not at all a […]
KEEP READINGIf you shout, I get to listen.
The woman waiting for her cappuccino was standing at the counter, facing squarely into the work station, yelling to the barista. “YEAH, NOW I’M RETHINKING IT, I’M RETHINKING THE WHOLE THING!” Her cappuccino? She wanted to switch to a latte? But her tone wasn’t the slightly higher, “excuse me” pitch you use when you ask […]
KEEP READINGThis is some weird-ass sexual harassment.
I’m used to getting catcalls on the street. I’m sorry, that was a typo. I meant to write, I used to get catcalls on the street. These days, if I hear someone yell something lewd or make a kissy sound, I roll my eyes like I always did, then realize that’s presumptuous and do the 16 […]
KEEP READINGThis blizzard brought to you by scarcity panic and Pepperidge Farm
They’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread. Not me, though. I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food. While everyone else was panicking […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: fake pets, pantyhose, and a pervert
Was the Woolworth’s from my childhood, on 79th and Broadway, special? Probably not. I bet the residents of the Upper West Side kvetched about it when it moved in in 1957, and said “FAN-tastic. Another Woolworth’s,” in the same way we all do now about another CVS or Bank of America. But I have a soft […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: Puffies, Porn ‘Stache, and Pacman
Where do city kids hang out now? Since they’re all under strict parent and nanny supervision, I guess at home, or those Kumon homework help places, or maybe some franchised indoor bouncy castle center where they jump around while parents sit in a viewing skybox, critiquing their kids’ bounce form and sipping kale smoothies. They don’t have what […]
KEEP READINGThe million-dollar pickle story
I believe, with all my heart, that everyone has a story to tell. Whether they should tell it, or know how to tell it, is another story. A story I will tell right now. So I’m at the pickle stand on Carmine and 6th Ave, asking the guy for samples. (If you think that all my human interaction centers around […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday: P.S. I Loved This Store
My birthday’s coming! No presents, please. But if you must, I like anything from P.S. I Love You. Oh, sorry, scratch that. The store, which was near our house on the Upper West Side, no longer exists, and I’m no longer 12. But if this were 1981… You could buy me anything from P.S. I Love You and […]
KEEP READINGWayback Wednesday*: That’s some hairy frosting.
People seem to like it when I talk about growing up in NYC in the 70s and 80s, so I thought I’d start a series. I’m torn between Wayback Wednesday* and Frowback Friday. My concern about Frowback Friday is that people will pronounce the “Frow” part like it rhymes with “now.” And if I spell […]
KEEP READINGI stared at this lady in the Indian restaurant.
I wish I had eyes in the back of my head. I know everyone wishes that, especially people with kids, so they could see what the kids are doing with the scissors and the permanent marker and the dirty diaper and the dog and the family heirloom without losing focus on driving. I’d want the backward-facing eyes so […]
KEEP READINGYeah, you. Yeah, you.
My husband is my favorite person to run into on the street. First, I don’t have to worry if I look OK because if I don’t, he’s already seen it. Second, there’s no question about whether we’re going to stop and say hi. No awkward moment of already having waved/ nodded hello and then doing the tentative […]
KEEP READINGThe 80s? Please. Here’s the real NYC horror show
[NOTE: This post is awesome (though needs updating) but if you’re looking for my instagram account, go here.] There’s a Halloween House of Horrors thing in New York called Nightmare: New York. This year, it’s focusing on the 80s, including a 1980s subway. And I’m like, oh please. Here’s what they say about it. What are […]
KEEP READINGWhere were you that day? (An encore post)
[UPDATE: I keep updating this post because every time I look back at it, the intro has already become dated. I don’t have kids, but I can say of the world: it grows up so fast! Or regresses. Either way, it changes. And some of my readers weren’t even born when this all happened. (My […]
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