Written February 22, 2020 at the Gateless Writing Retreat “You seem to have a long list of interesting fears,” she says as I decline her offer of pouring coffee into the cup while I hold it. We’re at a weekend writing retreat, all staying in one house and squeezing on two sofas. This isn’t her […]
KEEP READINGrandom personal
Can you say “ballsack” at a funeral?
I don’t want to get too heavy on you, so I’ll jump in at “ballsack.”
KEEP READINGYou have official permission not to do that f#cking 7-day challenge.
In third grade, I loaned a quarter to Serena, the richest girl in my class. She wanted it for a packet of Munchos from the vending machine. When I say rich, I mean, rich. Serena’s family had, and has, their last name on the most famous buildings in the world. Buildings with observation decks, where people get engaged or try crazy climbing stunts or realize their […]
KEEP READINGThis one’s for the late bloomers.
It’s my birthday! [Update: It was. When I wrote this. If you’re reading this on October 30th, it is again!] I was supposed to arrive on October 25th. My mom took a chance and went to a Bar Mitzvah on the due date. There’s a picture of her in the parking lot of a synagogue, […]
KEEP READINGThe #1 Most Beautiful Word Of All Time
I won’t tease it out. Here’s what the word is: CANCELED. Or, cancelled. I looked it up, and you can choose your own spelling. Ever go to the magazine store and notice there’s Conde Nast Traveler and Conde Nast Traveller? It’s like that. I spell it canceled, single “l” because I canceled the second one, and I […]
KEEP READINGI Can Do Happy.
Yesterday’s blog post sucked. I knew it while I was writing it. I’d had nothing to write, a state which I’ve promised won’t stop me from writing. “No time to write today” is legit; “Nothing to write today” is not. Why? Because sometimes when I’m thinking, I’ve used up all the thoughts and ideas I’ll ever have, […]
KEEP READINGThe Sample Whore gets burned
You know I’m a self-loathing sample whore. I wrote a whole post about it here. I become extra self-loathing when my sample whoring backfires on me. Like at the farmer’s market, when the jam turns out to be garlic chutney. Or when I pop a piece of cut-up nectarine in my mouth, and either it’s rotten or, just as […]
KEEP READINGDon’t let this happen to your ideas.
I found two plastic bags of moldy muffin scraps in my tote this morning. They taught me an important lesson about creativity. (OK, that’s a major stretch, but why not make old bread products a teachable moment? Plus, let’s face it, everyone’s “lessons” on the internet are pushing it.) Here’s the backstory: I can’t snack these days. […]
KEEP READINGWithout free samples, I’m nobody (and 6 other truths I’ve discovered since getting a plastic mouth)
Do you think a lot about your mouth? If not, lucky you! Not thinking about your mouth is a luxury you need to start appreciating right now. Light a scented candle and write about it in your gratitude journal. I think about my mouth all day. Everywhere I go, there it is — stealing the […]
KEEP READINGI never change. But who does?
The barista at my corner coffee shop hesitated when he saw me today. He had the large plastic cup in his hand, but before filling it with my usual order (all the way to the top with ice, then cold-brew coffee with about an inch of room for milk, please, and charge me for a medium […]
KEEP READINGMeditation hasn’t kept me from picking my face, and other mixed results
Excuse me while I gag on this sentence: I’ve been meditating. I did it today. I did it yesterday. I’ve done it most workdays for the last two months. I wasn’t going to. Everyone does it now, and everyone says to do it, but I have an overactive filter for new-age-garbage-sounding anything. I dismiss it whether […]
KEEP READINGThe 20 Stages of Public Speaking
I stood on the high diving board, looking down. Nope, nope, nope. I was 10 years old, at the pool at Twin Lakes Tennis & Swim Club. That’s where my family went on hot days from our weekend house in Stamford, Ct. The usual suburban club: Moms with deeply freckled chests. Tennis whites. Cheeseburgers, defrosted crinkle-cut fries, ketchup […]
KEEP READINGMy feet are sore and my tongue is all weird.
PART ONE The feet thing might be my fault. I hoard a certain model of Nike sneaker. It came out a couple of years ago, and I should’ve bought a million pairs. I should’ve known they’d be discontinued, because every sneaker and bra I love gets discontinued. I wear both into the ground. Till the […]
KEEP READINGLow things I’ve done for attention from hot guys
This summer, two convicted murderers broke out of prison in Upstate New York. You probably know about them. Richard Matt and David Sweat. There was a thing in the NY Times yesterday about the female prison employee who helped them escape. She did it because they flirted with her and got her to crush on them. Especially Richard Matt, […]
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