Oh, man. Can you believe this got on Ellen? She sounds like me (bad enough) doing karaoke while being waterboarded.
For those of you not familiar with Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim Zolziak is the one with the wig business and the married boyfriend she calls “Big Poppa.” Big Poppa, if you couldn’t guess from the name, gives her money and stuff.
Anyone can pay big bucks to spend time in a recording studio and lay down some truly ear-killing shit. But I don’t know how it came to pass that she got this on the airwaves, or on Ellen. Oh wait. Ellen: NBC. Real Housewives: Bravo, as in NBC. OK.
Well, NBC Universal doesn’t own me.
The reason “Tardy For The Party” made it to my blog is twofold:
- I love truly awful stuff
- It made me think.
Not the lyrics – they’re all about bein in the club, sippin wine lookin fine like a covergirl covered in diamonds and pearls. A lifestyle I put behind me several years ago. (Though I do like to cover myself in glittery, precious jewels at home and just order some takeout).
No, it’s the title. It shames me every time I hear it, because I AM tardy for the party. Or the dinner, or the doctor, or the wedding, or the train or the plain, or the airport car that’s waiting downstairs.
It’s true. I’m a late person.
Whenever I get somewhere early, I give myself a little party in my head. And yes, i cover myself in diamonds and pearls.
Though most of the time, if I’m early, it’s accidental – it almost never happens unless I get the time mixed up.
“Hey, I’m here for the 11 am meeting.”
“You’re not late, the meeting’s at 11:30.”
“Oh. Right.”
And then they’re wondering why, if I thought it was at 11, I’m there at 11:10.
They say that lateness is an act of arrogance or control.
“They” being psychologists and people who have been mad at me for showing up late.
For some late people that may be true: my friend Tanya*, though not a celebrity, considers herself one and thinks that we should all just chill till she shows up, understanding that her hair and makeup take a little longer than a normal, less-fabulous person’s. You might say that’s arrogant.
According to my sister, who lives in LA, people there don’t apologize for lateness either. Not because they’re celebrities – though some may be – but because being stuck in traffic is such a given that no one is expected on time. They don’t even try. They’ll leave you waiting an hour, then show up and just say, “hey.”
But when I have somewhere to be, I’m well aware of the time and the person on the other end.
The responsible part of me has every intention of being punctual. And then this other part of me takes over — the part that likes self-torture and mind games. I tell myself, “I need 30 minutes to dress and get out of the house.” Then, when I have 30 minutes left, i say, “actually, I just need 15 minutes.”
Then, at about T-15, I say, “ten.” Which is when I realize the shirt I’d planned to wear is balled up in the laundry, and begin the 20-minute process of finding something else that looks good.
Once I’m out of the house, I’m in a panic the whole way. I picture the person I’m meeting looking at their watch, shaking their head over how hot-mess I am. I run through potential excuses.
Possible reasons I was late:
- “I was stuck on a conference call for work.” (Doesn’t work with work people)
- “I got stuck in the elevator.” (Hasn’t happened to me since the 70s)
- “I got mugged.” (Hasn’t happened to anyone I know since the 70s)
- “Traffic was insane.” (No good. Traffic doesn’t make people late. It makes LATE people late)
- “Sorry, stuck on the subway. A passenger got sick.” (Legitimate, but best saved for when it really happens)
- “Diarrhea attack” (Too personal)
- “Zombie attack.” (Overused)
I only cycle through these in my head. I no longer use them. I used to, until I noticed how utterly stupid they sounded coming from other late people.
My friend Jen*, who, like me, cares a whole lot what people think, always shows up breathless as though she ran the whole way – even though she just stepped out of a cab.
While she’s hugging me hello, she’s saying, “I’m so sorry, the babysitter got there late, and then my kid wouldn’t eat his chicken fingers, and my stupid cab driver went the dumbest possible way, I think there’s a parade or the president’s in town, aren’t cab drivers supposed to know that? I gave him a really small tip.”
I don’t need to hear this. It usually turns out that I just got there, myself. If I’m late, I’m thrilled to find out that someone else is more late.
What I’ve discovered is, it’s best to just shut up and say:
“Sorry I’m late.”
After all, there’s rarely an excuse that makes it more OK. If the other person is thinking, “she better have a good reason for being late,” then the chicken fingers and bad cab driver aren’t going to cut it. And if they don’t care, then they don’t need to hear it at all.
Another helpful thing I’ve learned:
Let it go.
Once you’re running late, no amount of worrying and looking at your watch will make you less late. In fact, if you’re walking, it’ll make you a fraction of a second more late. Or even more if you trip while looking down, or knock someone over and then have to help them up and apologize. (And no, knocking someone down is not a legitimate excuse.)
The best solution? Don’t be tardy for the party. Thank you, Kim Zolciak. Working on it.
*Names have been changed to protect the tardy. Actually, to protect me from the tardy. They get pissed when you out them.
and i totally agree that being early is a hostile act
Thank you. Yes indeed. And if you ask me, so is waking early.
You could’ve just used my name, really.
I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Ha ha…I just recently switched to saying “Sorry I’m late” and leaving it at that. Feels so much better than my litany of excuses-which no one cares about or believes anyway. I was always a very punctual (compulsive? perhaps) person before I met Adam. Now the kids make me late for everything. But I know I should lie about when things start–that will be one of my New Year’s Resolutions: lie more.
So much better, right? The excuses just make people mad.
They say resolutions don’t last past February or something like that, but lying’s a lot easier than going to the gym or quitting smoking. I think you can do it.
o – m – g – Paris Hilton 30 years later …
Paris Hilton will never be that bad. Which is saying a lot.
Funny! I used to always be on time and hated it when others were late…. then I moved to the country and for some reason I have it stuck in my head that it still only takes me 10 minutes to get anywhere and the truth is it takes 30! the older I get the later I am …. not sure if there is a connection to the arrogance part… maybe that comes with age or “Wisdom” as I like to say:)
Uh oh, Im hoping that the older I get, the more punctual I am. Doesn’t work that way, huh?
Are you sure this wasn’t a satire? It’s so bad. Even the choreography(if it warrants being called that) is so stereotypical and lame. As for being late, I think I know which parent you got it from, and it’s not me. I know a different adage from yours: if you’re early, you’re anxious; if you’re on time, you’re compulsive, and if you’re late, you’re hostile.
And you’re right . . relax, unless you need to catch a plane, or, of course, if your parents are waiting.
Thing about meeting my parents is, I never know whether they’re running on Mom time or Dad time. It’s a crapshoot!
I think being early when you know the other person will be late is hostile.
Wow, that is b-a-d! I recently started to Tivo Ellen – but I think I might stop after seeing that…
Laura, this is a subject close to my heart. I am the world’s least tardy person – I am always early for everything, though I hate waiting for other people to show up! Sometimes I actually delay getting ready to try to be late on purpose – and I STILL show up first —
Sadly, I am married to someone who is chronically late. It might be OK if he were like you, and felt badly – but he has no remorse “What’s the big deal, what’s 20 miinutes?” Drives me INSANE! I do think it is total arrogance on Whit’s part – and we have been fighting about this for over 25 years – I’ve reached the point where I’m either going to have to give up – or else just start lying about the time we need to be places!
I know you and I haven’t seen in other in a few years – but when we finally make a plan, at least I know what to expect – thanks for the heads-up – I’ll make sure to run on Whitney-time that day!
Wow, 20 minutes? Now that would freak me out. 5 feels ok, 10 is “uh oh” and 15 is “I’m dead meat.” 20? If I were waiting 20 minutes for someone I’d leave.
Is that arrogant thing a package deal with being a hotshot surgeon?
I look forward to seeing you, and coordinating our lateness.
I have to tell you Laura you hit this one. I love it. I am always LATE so I have now decided not to wear a watch. Why the hell am I going to stress myself because I already am late, I have come to terms that is just me and I am good with it.
I do try to be on time or leave early however something comes up and my head tells me I have the extra time…oooppps not the case.
.-= Tricia´s last blog ..Peace at Any Cost What does that Mean? =-.
See, I’m not ready to accept being a late person. I still think I can change it. Delusional? Maybe.
I actually LOVE being early. It just takes a lot of coaxing (or time mix-up) for that to happen.
But once I’m running late, I stop freaking out. Because at that point, what’s done is done. Though it’s nice to call or text, of course.
I’m always early and if for some reason I know I am going to be late I call in advance and set up a time of how late…I can’t stand being late is drives me insane and I never understand why others can be that way nor do I understand why one might think I should suffer from someone else s personal bad planning. I have been unbelievably patient waiting for people to get ready to leave their homes or show up 45 minutes late while I sit there waiting wasting my time…no call no warning??
BUT oddly enough I was 5 minutes early to a new job once and the women who hired me complained and was quite annoyed…she did not hire me again.
People are so different…: ) makes for an interesting world.
Ha. That’s funny that you got reverse-judged for being early. Surely she was a late person. Otherwise, she would have liked you for it.
I’m very punctual and the LA thing your sister said is true – it drives me INSANE.
One, I hate being the one who arrived on time waiting on others which happens a lot in LA.
But even worse for me is being the late one, which is truly very difficult to control here. Yesterday it took me over an hour to get to beverly hills in the middle of the day. No special reason. Sometimes its 30 minutes, sometimes its an hour and a half. You never know, and in order to hedge yourself you have to risk arriving a full hour early! Aaah!
The best solution I’ve found is to meet at someone’s house and then go together from there, or just make the plan there. That way it doesn’t really matter if you’re late because they just are chillin at home while they wait for you.
.-= Laura Roeder´s last blog ..Find Links to Your Website on Twitter with BackTweets.com =-.
Yes! Meeting at someone’s pad is totally key. No one’s sitting and tapping their foot when you get there.
Being at the mercy of traffic would drive me nuts. I have a friend who plans everything on the principal that it takes 45 minutes to get anywhere in NYC. That’s not always true, but if you leave 45 minutes, you’re just about guaranteed to arrive on time. LA, not so.