I love when a holiday’s over!
That doesn’t mean I hate holidays, or hate turkey (I like it fine, especially the skin), or hate joy. I’m not a monster.
What drains me is when everyone’s doing and saying the same things. I guess that’s the nature of tradition. Though, oy, does social media make it worse. Shame on me for not just closing Facebook, but I’m an addict. I’m not in control of my impulses.
Here are 3 things I’ll be #grateful not to see for a while:
1) Awful photos of Thanksgiving food.
Turkey, stuffing, gravy, and other brown foodstuffs don’t photograph well. And ffs, the vegan substitutes are the worst. About as comely as The Enquirer’s “stars without makeup in the supermarket” pics. I really don’t want to see a spongey seitan slab or portobello mushroom “steak” covered in brown veggie sludge. I’ve learned from my sister’s 2-kid, Silverlake, Los Angeles household that you’re not supposed to “yuck” someone’s “yum,” so to this one I’ll just say, “bleh.”
2) Vaguesicking.
You’ve heard of Vaguebooking, which is when your friend (that you’re tempted to unfollow) posts murky, coy remarks — like “Oy” or “So that happened” or “Le sigh” or “So excited!!!!” or “Officially had it with this” — that beg for comments like “What’s wrong? Sending hugs! ((( )))” or “Whatever it is, you’re so awesome!”
This weekend, I saw no fewer than 3 instances of Vaguesicking, which is Vaguebooking in the Emergency Room. It’s when people post photos of themselves on a gurney with an IV drip or oxygen mask and no explanation other than or “So this happened” or “How I spent date night” or “And how’s YOUR weekend LOL.” Or, no caption at all.
It’s one thing if you’ve been sick and we all know it and you’re keeping us up to date. I’m sending hugs. But if you’re randomly in the hospital, please don’t post and make us all ask, “What happened???” and “YOU OK???” No photo with medical tubes should go up online without some essential details.
3) Gratefulbragging (or, #Gratbrags)
“I’m grateful for this thing I’m actually just bragging about.”
We have to deal all year long with the #blessed brags about your abundant lifestyle and infinity pool. And then the holidays usher in this ratcheted-up, shameless #grateful boasting. The stupidest use, in my opinion, is when you say you’re grateful for something that’s more of a decision or achievement than any stroke of luck.
“So grateful that I don’t let my kids have screen time during dinner.”
“Feeling grateful that I don’t buy anything manufactured overseas.”
“Grateful that I’m a recognized expert in my field.”
If you’d just substitute hashtag #smug, I’d like you a lot more.
Of course, there’s no reason items 2 and 3 will go away now that we’re past Thanksgiving. (In fact, we’ll probably see an uptick. Vaguesicking gets worse with flu season.) But at least no more drab gravy porn for a while.
Oh hey, you know what I’m truly grateful for? You, reading this email all the way down to the bottom. Or at least skimming to here. I’m not picky. Thank you!
Now you.
What will you be grateful NOT to see for a while?
Are you guilty of any of these? Go ahead, atone.
If you want, you can also #gratbrag. I’ll allow it, since we’ve established what we’re really up to.
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
As a vegan I have to completely agree, those vegan loafs do not look appetizing haha. Taste worthy, but not picture worthy.
You had me laughing out loud b/c I (honestly, literally, actually) posted a VIDEO of our Thanksgiving buffet that was (actually, seriously, literally) 75% vegan and 100% beige and it was (truly, definitely, without a doubt) HIDEOUS.
OMG you make me laugh so hard! I’m #soblessed to laugh #sohard. Seriously, yours is the ONLY email I’m subscribed to that I actually read because you write about what seems to be the most random sh*t but then it turns out to not be random at all – totally relatable. Your snark isn’t the negative kind – it’s the right amount of funny snark. OMG I want to be you! Or your sister. Or your best friend. Or the checkout lady at your market, just so I can get a brush with whatever it is that makes you so awesome.
I’ve been clicking on stuff all over your site, trying to find the appropriate spot to comment on the thing you just did with Lisa Fraley–the “Grow with Grace” copywriting tips podcast. It’s so good. Not as insanely amazing as The Copy Cure, of course, but a great reminder. The bubble wrap analogy and the examples you gave killed me. But I love that you aren’t mean about that kind of writing, you just simply give the example and say why it doesn’t work. “C.O.P.Y.”–got it! Committing it to memory for the next time I sit down to “copytalk,” which, yes, is a privilege, not a burden.
I’ve decided to stop airing my gratitude in public; it’s just too risky.
But since this is a safe place, I’m gonna tell you, Laura (or Sharona or Pam… or Bruce), I’m grateful for your rapier wit. xx
I’m so grateful that Thanksgiving in Canada was, like a month ago. And that we don’t go all crazy with “I’m so thankful”. (Well, some of us are “I’m so thankful that there isn’t snow up to my wazoo yet”, but I’m one of those ppl who hates winter…).
But I am grateful that Laura sends me emails. #gratbrag.
This post is hilarious! I literally laughed out loud…like in real life! Vaguesicking is what got me. So funny and so true. I don’t comment on vaguesicking posts because by the time I see them, 44 people have already asked “What’s wrong?” “Is everything ok?” and “Sending love and prayers.” (with praying hands) even though no one has a clue as to what’s going on. I just can’t bring myself to contribute to the confusion. Plus, if someone is laying on a gurney with an IV sticking out of their arm – it feels awkward to “like” the post. I think it’s a test to see how many Facebook friends actually care and if they’re paying attention. On the other hand it feels like the poster is saying, “I know something you don’t know…” in their 5 yr old playground voice. There is so much more I can say about this – but I won’t.
Love. Just love. #vagueloving? Meh. That’s why they pay you the big bucks!
Dear Smartest and most clever – can you please come up with a Vaguebooking/gratefulbragging name for the people who post super sultry, near naked or those selfies where you see the post and know the person was home alone just snapping a string of I just diddled myself and I am gorgeous like this pics and they label it with something like ‘new freckle on my nose’ or ‘Gardening is the best’ or ‘I bring my kindle everywhere’. Please help because it has to be brought to the fore
Hahaha! That heinous BS really does deserve to be brought into the sunlight! I can’t think of anything that sounds close enough to selfie, but as a placeholder I’m going to go with ruse-ie.
Hi guys,
Urban Dictionary refers to this type of photo as a “Thirst Trap”. That’s what I call it!
PS: This post is hilarious and so overdue. Thanksgiving food is gross-looking and without texture. Hats off!
I am not #grateful when people post #grateful or other loving #hashtags and emojis for people I know for a fact they actually hate. #family #thisisus #love #liar
That always tickles me.
I’ll add that I’m guilty of hate-following and hate-liking but never hate-#loving
O.m.g. I am also not fond of pictures of brown food, vegetarian or not, or steak-so-rare-it’s-bloody. Ick.
I have a friend who can’t complete a sentence and just ends her half-thoughts in a flurry of ellipses. At least she’s usually healthy. Example: “Sunshine! Cold, but still…”
But yes, I’ve seen my share of pictures of people in johnnies and wheelchairs, but cut off, so you can’t tell who it is or where they are. “So, we’re here again.” Are you in the ER? Admitted? In rehab? Urgent Care? Is it you? Your husband? Your kid? Your mother? Just looking for sympathy? Need someone to bring you something? Are you all right? Did you make it home? I do appreciate hearing the specifics.
And I am very grateful that I can tell my cats apart and almost never call my husband by one of the animals’ names. I hope that’s not too braggy for you. I’d like to set the bar very low for the next person to come along.
I’m grateful for a Cuz who gets it! You win the comment thread. Especially with “So, we’re here again.” ????
Ditto, ditto, and especially the gravy, ditto.
YAS! Love that you coined vaguesicking. Totally agree how completely annoying that is. You want to be empathetic, but at the same times feel like you’re being sucked into a manipulative ploy — OMG! What is WRONG?!?! — that reeks of sympathy likes (i.e, sad faces) and comments.
Right? It also reeks of bedpans.
I don’t even want to be empathetic when that happens.
But aren’t you grateful when you get a Facebook notification and then you click on it, expecting to see that it’s someone liking or commenting on your post, only to find out that it’s someone asking you to donate to a charitable cause?
Especially #grateful when it’s to donate for their birthday! So it’s not about me on TWO counts.
I think I just signed up for your emails again. Not sure, but I think i’m in your system, like, 13 times. So grateful to have an awesome desktop computer! I get the whole zig while everyone else is zagging thing, though. I was on the lookout but no matter where i turned it was this hideous splotch of orange and brown and yellow… any examples of some zaggers?
Ha! I love your Talking Shrimp enthusiasm.
OK, if you see the same email come in to all different versions of your email address, just unsubscribe from the extra ones. If you start seeing the welcome series that you already got, you *should* be able to get off that train but stay on my list. LMK if you don’t get that option starting with the next sequence email (just fixed it today).
Zaggers, you mean for Thanksgiving food? I’ll take anything. A tub of frosting and a spoon would be refreshing.