I had a housemate in college who’d leave messages on my answering machine like this:
BEEEP! “Hey, just checking in, I was just wondering what you were planning to do with the spaghetti pot and some of the other stuff you left out on the counter. I’d clean them myself, it’s no big deal, but with the big pot, I wasn’t sure whether you were saving the spaghetti in it or if you just kind of forgot to clean it last night. I mean, the noodles are all hard and stuck to the bottom, so I doubt you’re planning to eat it, but I just wanted to check. Also just wanted to check if you bought more toilet paper. I think you said you were going to, did I make that up? If not, I’m happy to do it myself as we’re almost out and I wouldn’t ask anyone else in the house, they all do so much. Lemme know!” BEEEP!
That’s what and who I think of when I see the words “Just checking in.”
Not everyone has lived with a pathologically passive-aggressive college housemate. But you’ll be hard pressed to find someone who actively likes and responds well to the phrase “just checking in.”
We’ve all emailed it though, right?
“Just checking in to see if you got my invoice.”
“Just checking in to see if you’re coming to the party.”
“Just checking in to see if you were able to read my manuscript.”
“Just checking in — do you have any time to reschedule?”
When we say “just checking in,” we’re trying soften the real message: “I need an answer, bitch!”
But everyone knows that’s what it means.
What are you supposed to do, though?
How can you follow up without being a passive-aggressive nag?
My friend, a journalist — we’ll call her Lisa — was feeling discouraged because she’s scheduled a meeting with a top magazine editor, a connection she was excited to score, and the editor has cancelled three times.
Lisa was still waiting to hear back from her last two emails asking to reschedule.
She was wondering how she could follow up a third time without coming across like a psycho. Or, at best, what we refer to in Yiddish as a “noodge.”
First of all, I told Lisa, let’s assume the editor, rather than deciding that Lisa isn’t worth meeting with, is like me.
Being like me means you’re
1) Addicted to checking your emails, many of which you open while in line at the grocery store and usually flag as unread but sometimes forget to even do that, especially when you realize the cashier is yelling “next customer in line” and it’s you. So even if you meant to answer that email when you got back to your desk, it’s now buried beneath all the new ones.
2) Overwhelmed by all the things
3) Glad, rather than annoyed, when someone reminds you — in a guilt-free way — that they’re waiting for an answer.
“That makes me feel better,” Lisa said. “So should I say something like, ‘Hey, just checking in…’?”
😑
I wrote up something for Lisa that I think is way better. She said I should sell it. I’m not sure what I’d charge for 90 words, so here’s her custom script for following up — for FREE.
Hi [FIRST NAME],
At the risk of being a noodge/ nag/ pest [CHOOSE ONE], I’m floating this back to the top of your inbox.
I know how much you must have to get done before you leave, and I hope I can get my idea in front of you in that time.
If an in-person meeting is tough to schedule right now, would it be easier to hop on the phone? All I need is [NUMBER] minutes, and I can be available at any time that works for you.
Looking forward to hearing back.
Thanks so much,
Lisa
UPDATE: It worked! She has a meeting for next week. Assuming the editor keeps it…
Lisa’s exact script may be a little specific for you, but here are the elements you can always use:
HI [FIRST NAME].
At the risk of being a nag/ nagging/ bugging you/ driving you nuts/ being overly persistent [CHOOSE ONE] I’m circling back/ following up/ moving this to the top of your inbox/ putting this in front of you again/ cheerfully hunting you down [CHOOSE ONE WITH APPROPRIATE TONE].
I know how busy you are with [FILL IN WITH SPECIFIC DETAIL IF POSSIBLE].
[OPTIONAL: ADD COMPLIMENT LIKE, (By the way, I loved your recent post/ talk/ interview/ centerfold spread in Superfly Success Stories Monthly. So inspiring!)]
Would love to make this as easy as possible for you. Would it be better if we [SUGGEST ALTERNATIVE WAY TO COMMUNICATE]?
Looking forward to hearing back. [OPTIONAL, TO OFFER AN EASY “OUT”: If I don’t, I’ll assume it’s a pass for now/ If this isn’t a good time, say the word and I’ll circle back next month.]
[SIGNOFF]
Here’s another trick I suggest, because it works on me (intentional or not):
Like and comment on that person’s social media posts. It’s a great way to remind someone you exist, while validating their existence. (What, you don’t rely on social media notifications to confirm your worthiness as a human?)
Happens to me all the time. Someone will comment on my FB post, and I’ll remember, “Shit, I owe her an email.” And then, on a good day, I might even follow through!
For clarification, I am NOT suggesting you comment- and like-bomb the person you’re chasing, or post on their timeline, “I sent you a message last month. Check ur emails.” Be subtle.
And if this is a close friend you’re trying to get an answer from, forget the script and go with the good ol “BITCH, ANSWER ME!”
Just don’t say “just checking in.”
Now you.
How do you follow up when you don’t want to be a psycho-nag?
Got a script of your own?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
ps – This college housemate? Whenever one of us was pulling a desperate all-nighter studying for an exam or writing a final paper, she’d wander into the room and say, “Hey. I’m so bored. I finished my studying and my paper like two weeks ahead of time, so I don’t know what to do with myself.” She always flapped her arms like a penguin on that last part, body language of “I give up, I’m hopelessly productive!”
To me, boasting that you finished your work weeks ahead of time is the worst college crime there is (not counting actual felonies). It even ranks above frat boys peeing on their girlfriends’ sweaters in the middle of the night. You’d be surprised, this happened constantly. It seems there’s a certain level of drunk where you think sweaters are a urinal. It was never books or stereo. Always the sweaters.
Thank you because I used “just checking in” ahhhh
Gah! I shudder at how often I’ve used that expression. I thought it was “mine”, and I was so geniusly subtle (*plants palm firmly on forehead*) at asking someone to fricking get back to me. (Still laughing at “I need an answer, bitch”)
Thanks for the freebie templates (score!) and most especially for saving me from myself for the whole resta my life! (*palm still there…typing with one hand*)
But what if I WANT to be a psycho nag…. Seriously good post. Also with all the GDPR craziness that has been going on I started my email blast about it with the subject line “Yes, this is the 457th email about the GDPR that you have received, open it anyway…” I got several emails back that told me it was the best consent email they had received hands down. I also got one that said I was psycho and to never darken their door again. Clearly not my tribe. 😛
I shared this gladly and widely as I think passive-aggressiveness in business needs to be tossed into the recycling bin.
My script is similar, trying to keep the personal out of it and focus on the task at hand, e.g. “Per our last conversation, I will need your approval before any orders can be fulfilled. I want your event to be a success, so Friday would be the last day to ship before an additional fee is added.”
I LOVE this. Thank you!
IMO the word “Just” is the real problem
If we simply delete the “Just” and write “Checking in”, I think It’s a lot stronger and to the point. So while your post is spot on and I’m sure I’ll use your apptoach, I think “Checking in” is okay sometimes, where “Just checking in” is never a good idea. Saying “just” is either passive/aggressive, or sounds like you’re apologizing for your existence.
Ever listen to a radio show where people call in? Whenever I hear “I just want to say…”, it’s like their making an apology, or letting us know that what they’re about to say isn’t very important.
Thoughts on this?
Oops! Sorry for that typo on that last sentence. I know it’s they’re and not their!
CJ
I love this post. I’m going to save these words of wisdom– if I can find where to stash them. But more than that, I hope the rest of the world gets this email from you because I get the just checking in all the time.
But what I really hate? People (women being the worst offenders) who lay out a mile long REASON why they can’t do the thing or are late or, whatever. I hate any reason. I DON’T CARE. AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR IT. Just lay the yes or no on me and be done with it. Be businesslike. I’ve been trying to find a way to write this for years. Can’t you write a post about this I can repost and not have to be the bitch?
I’ve used all these techniques except, ‘BITCH, ANSWER ME!” That probably just proves I don’t have any close friends, which’s a shame ’cause I really wanna try it.
I did this very thing over the last few weeks — three times! I thought I was being polite but I guess I was being passive-aggressive. What I wanted to say in one of them was, “C’mon, Alyssa, get off your butt and get the last little bit of your piece done so I can finish up my piece which depends on you finishing up your piece.” Except Alyssa’s the project manager. Beside, she;’s paying for our upcoming trip to the seaside bistros of Port Manteau.”
Without your template I would say: I’m guessing my previous 10 emails went straight to your junk folder. Here’s hoping this one sneaks through to your inbox.
Thankfully I have yours now – love it!
This was a great topic! If I really need an answer, one of my favorites is using a subject that reminds them of why it’s good for them:
Subject: 10K Instagram subscriber Interview request
Hi [NAME]!
Didn’t want this to slip through your inbox. Can we hop on the phone on Friday for 15 minutes to chat? I’m available all day.
Best,
Julie
[Include original email here]
Always assume they just forgot and use phrases like “I didn’t want you to miss this.” etc. Also include an “all day” option and if you only need a few minutes, be sure to say specifically how many minutes!
I think you could charge $35 for it.
*scans sent emails for evidence of passive aggressive psycho self*. I’m sure I’ve sent those words to a particular late payer…
What I’m always tempted to send is this
….did you know my fave piece of biz advice I like to receive is remittance? I know it’s not my birthday or anything but hey, maybe you’d like to send me some for invoice xyz
And if by chance things in your advice department are tight, give me a buzz and we can work out a plan.
Totally loved this blog. Even with a little paranoia being triggered 😬
But the sweaters? Ew!
Oh mah god, I so needed this post today, Laura. No great advice on how to follow up without sounding like a nag, besides acknowledging how busy everyone is and how everyone needs reminders, including me. I think I used that one time when someone legitimately forgot to pay me. One short and sweet, “Oh hey, I went ahead and sent you an invoice for time billed since I know how crazy things can get! (Me personally, I remember nothing without 7,000 reminders!)” and I was paid within an hour.
{An aside: now I have the visual of college men peeing on sweaters seared into my brain forever. Thanks a ton.]
Love this. The social media like/share/comment works for me all. the. time. Especially with super busy and conscientious people. Just checking in makes me cringe. I do go with don’t want to be a pest but I am anyway…..
I am trying to eliminate “just” from my vocabulary so this post was spot on.