Today is my dad’s 78th birthday.
Buying presents for him is always hard. Not because he’s “the man who has everything,” but because he’s “the man who wants nothing normal.”
Around Father’s Day I see all these ads for things dads are supposed to want, and I think, Ha! ( The laugh sound I get from my dad.) As if.
A charging station for his smart phone? Come on. We’ve barely convinced him to carry a dumb phone – the most basic cell they could dig up from the dusty back shelves of the electronics store.
He’s just now getting the hang of picking up a call, but god help him if he has to dial one. Or send a text! Sorry, enough with the futurespeak.
I’d give him a certificate for cell phone lessons, but my mom gets dibs on that one – it’s what she gives him every birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas.
A gas grill? No way. We’ve tried for the last 5 years to get my mom and dad a gas grill. My mom wants one, and my dad won’t give up the charcoal hibachi we gave him for Father’s Day in the ’80s.
“You gave me that grill as a gift. To replace it would be a slap in the face.” Even to replace it with another gift? Apparently. Plus: “A charcoal grill cooks delicious, flavorful food. I have yet to hear anyone say the same about a gas grill.”
Actually, I’ve told him that about a gas grill many times. But a hearing aid is another thing he doesn’t want.
Golf clubs? He’s an Upper West Side Jewish shrink from the Bronx. He sprinkles Yiddish into conversations and loves pickled herring. Excuse the stereotyping, but in this case it holds true. You’ll no sooner see my dad on the golf course than you will at a pheasant hunt.
Which also rules out these Ultimate Upland Chaps.
A shirt from Barneys? No thanks. “You know what you’re paying for, right? You’re paying for the rent.” Plus, a shirt from Barneys is going to be all cotton. You know what that means: it requires ironing. If it isn’t wash’n’ wear, forget it. Dacron and cotton blend – that’s where it’s at.
So what does Dad want?
Well, he listed a few books. That’s easy. Of course, he knows he’ll get them. Usually, he also wants socks, black, no pattern — because the housekeeper, who is kind and thoughtful but “not capable of abstract thinking,” keeps losing his. What can you do? But this year, he didn’t ask for socks, so I guess the housekeeper is getting sharper. Maybe she’s been playing Sudoku.
He also normally asks for short-sleeved pajamas. It’s hard to find these for grown men. I don’t know why – this is one request that doesn’t seem unreasonable. I don’t sleep in anything with long sleeves. I can see why my father would feel “too wawm” – Bronx for “warm” – in the standard Macy’s selections.
Here are things that would be perfect if I could order them from Amazon, with gift wrap option:
The return of Fowad.
My dad’s favorite clothing store, now an Upper West Side memory. On 96th Street and Broadway, its 1970s bubble-letter sign and sidewalk racks were a beacon for all in search of a quality short-sleeved suit. I tried for years to get my dad to shop somewhere else, but he would point to their “brand names for less” unbeatability. “You like Pierre Card-ah?” he’d ask, pronouncing “Cardin” like “Kardashian” without the “shian”. He’d open his lapel to show me the Card-ah logo, and I’d have to cry uncle.
More relatives. My dad loves, loves, loves relatives. He collects them. Any time he’s in another city or country, he hits the phone book (Think no one has a phone book? He’ll find one) and starts flipping through the B’s. He trolls for any names that sound remotely like ours. And then, dizzy with the ancestral possibilities, he calls them. This is the genealogy nerd’s version of drunk dialing.
“Hello, you don’t know me, but my name is David Belgray. I think we may be related, and you may be Jewish.”
Feelings. I don’t know if Dad became a psychoanalyst because he loves feelings, or loves feelings because he’s a psychoanalyst. It’s a case of the chicken and how he feels about the egg. One thing is certain, and that is that Dad needs to know our feelings. If there’s one thing he ever asked for and didn’t get, it was that. Here’s the kind of conversation we’d have when I was growing up:
DAD: How did you like the movie?
ME: It was good.
DAD: What do you mean, “good”? How did it make you feel?
ME: I don’t know. I liked it.
DAD: That still doesn’t tell me how you feel. Did it make you sad? Happy? I’m asking about feelings.
ME: Ew. I don’t like talking about that. Shut up.
DAD: HEY! We don’t say “Shut up!” You can tell me how you feel. You can use an “I” message. But you don’t say “shut up” around here.
ME: OK. “I” feel like I want you to shut up.
I see these movies about folks who grow up damaged by their remote, emotionally withholding parents and wonder, who are these people, and what are they complaining about? Anyway, in honor of my dad’s birthday, here’s a feeling: I feel glad that it’s his birthday.
A cafeteria meal.
My dad is nostalgic for his own college cafeteria days. I could take him to a cafeteria now, but what he wants is very specific and elusive: not just lunch served on a tray, surrounded by hobnobbing students, but a lunch of spaghetti and beets. Clearly, when my dad was a hobnobbing student, no one taught him about the food pyramid and the starch content of beets.
A stay in a youth hostel. Dad doesn’t pine for youth. He pines for youth hostels. Not really the long gone, Europe-on-$5-a-day bargain aspect so much as the friend-making free-for-all. I keep telling him that the Jewish Community Center (JCC) on 76th Street would be just like a youth hostel, except without the crab lice. I don’t know why he hasn’t joined.
A blog post dedicated just to him. No, he never said he wanted that. But I think, deep down, he does. This is for you, Dad. I love you. Happy Birthday. Here’s the video of you on the Daily Show from 2006. To my other readers: this is a must-watch even if you’re not my dad.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| American Resolutions – Show Them | ||||
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名人演讲：Democratic National Conventi zhongweixing on Keynote AddressAnn Richards Democratic National Convention Keynote Address delivered 19 July 1988, Atlanta GA Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Buenas noches, mis amigos. I’m delighted to be here with you thi
Laura, I just wrote a long piece here, pressed the wrong key, and it’s gone. Par for the course. Anyway, I had coffee outside @ French Roast with Don Shea; he got up to leave; so
I invited a couple looking for a table, to join me. Another quick cup of coffee, and they left 3 hours later. They’re from Spokane, Washington; they took yours and Marian’s blog address, wrote me, and I asked for the copy of my Daily Show routine. I did not yet succeed in converting them to Judaism, but I formed a worldwide organization, already with a huge staff (me, dbelgray, David Belgray, David C Belgray, etc etc) but am searching for a treasurer and
administrator. BAJUR: (coincidentally, in Hebrew/Yiddish, boy, kid, muchacho.) For $5 one join and be an associate and without the $ can look up their name, especially if Latino or Italian in sephardim.com and discover their Jewish roots. Alas, I’m scheduled to be in the Story Telling Tent on June 6 at Worlds Fair Grounds for AJ Jacobs Global Cousins Reunion, but will be rooting for 5 y/o Samson Belgray-Blatt as he plays ball in Los Angeles on that day. Incidentally, I reviewed the portion of Steven Birmingham’s THE GRANDEES,
Sephardic Jews of New York. WOW, I PRESSED THE RETURN BUTTON & IT DIDNT END
THIS!
NOW i pressed the tab button; all the above disappeared but I found it again. MAKES MY DAY. ON Facebook, I’d written that the best Seder i ever attended was at the home of my best friend while in Spain, Sami Bendahan, who had invited me to his home in Tetuan, Morocco. “They passed the ceremonial above each person’s head, touched the hair, and sang songs in Spanish & Hebrew”. HOLY COW!!!: NEXT THING!!!: i get an e-mail from same Samuel Bendahan who now lives in Lausanne, Switzerland, then we exchange e-mails. Only 58 years since I said ADIOS in Spain.
A few days later: he writes that he wrote a screen play about a Dona Gracia, well known person during the days of the Inquisition. Would I put him in touch with Steven Spielberg? (I’m working on it and have some leads).
That’s not all! I re-read the portion in Birmingham’s book about Piza Mendes in NYC, who it turns out is a descendant of Dona Gracia!
And that’s still not all: I remembered that Piza Mendes was a very close friend of Mom’s father, Walter Gustave Bunzl. He WAS like his name sounds. Few telephones around 1910: Walter went to Piza’s house. It just happened to be at the time they were holding a seder. He walks into the seder and sits down at an empty seat and drinks wine from the cup. He was rudely interrupted by someone who told him, “Walter, this chair and wine are reserved for Elijah.”
Gotta go to hear Mom, and meet you, at the Brearley Singers Chorus where they will
play a piece from Ralph Vaughn Williams, a favorite. Loved your blog – and all the comments – love to all your friends, and now gotta clean up after all my laughing. Much love, Dad….and extra-loved Marian’s participation in the blog.
Laura, your blog is a riot.
I love you.
Now, how does that feel?
Hugs,
Dad
Beautiful post.
Beautiful post.
Happy Birthday Dr. Belgray! You are awesome!
And you have a fabulous daughter who keeps many of her online fans entertained on a regular basis.
I think you should set up your own blog and start helping us all to Feel Everything.
Cheers! Wendy
.-= Wendy Maynard´s last blog ..How to Add a Blog to Your Facebook Fan Page =-.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it’s roots
Happy Birthday Laura’s dad!
I was just talking to my dad about how all the father’s day gift are exclusively for men who enjoy BBQ or golf. As offensive as ALL marketing to women is, this category is almost worse! Like men have no other hobbies? For the record, my dad enjoys neither BBQ (as a hobby anyway, he enjoys it as a means to eating food) or golf.
My parents aren’t obsessed with relatives, but they will strike up a conversation with anyone wearing University of Kentucky memorabilia outside of Kentucky. The best part is that person is always just as excited to talk to them!
.-= Laura Roeder´s last blog ..Before, During and After: How to Know What to Focus on When Running an Online Business =-.
I should try that Sudoku.
Happy birthday, Mr Belgray.
You’re a lucky man, let me tell you. Are you proud? You should be.
(Laura – later..)
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..How to present like Ken Robinson =-.
Happy Birthday Dr. Belgray! You are awesome!
And you have a fabulous daughter who keeps many of her online fans entertained on a regular basis.
I think you should set up your own blog and start helping us all to Feel Everything.
Cheers! Wendy
.-= Wendy Maynard´s last blog ..How to Add a Blog to Your Facebook Fan Page =-.
I loved this post. Particularly the part where he is looking up names in the phone book! Your gift is making people smile Laura, and you do it with perfection.
I’m going to skip thinking about the pee in your pants, Dad. But happy birthday, again. xo
Marian, I loved your comment, and still have the pee in my own pants to prove how funny and priceless tt was.
As for your earliest memory, how does that feel?
I love you….and Laura…..you guys are great!
Love,
Dad (basking in a remarkable Shabbat dinner, unfortunately without you, Rob and Samson, but with our alternate family the Gartenbergs, including fianceed pre-Gartenbergs and their family, and Coopers)
LOVE THAT! Man, you’re on the Sesame Street open, your dad’s on The Daily Show? You guys are, like, iconic!!! Great post, and an outstanding video treat! Happy Bday to your dad!
Yes! Now my sister just has to get a part on, like, 30 Rock. She should. Thanks for being a Belgray supporter, Nancy.
I love your Dad! How lucky you are to have him:)
Happy Birthday Mr. Belgray.
Debbie Ferm
.-= Debbie Ferm´s last blog ..Orlando: Love it or Hate it. =-.
I am lucky. Boy, this is his best birthday card ever. Everyone’s signing it.
OH EM GEE. And I thought your last post was overdue! This was genius. It made me pee my pants worse than when his Daily Show episode first aired.
Kudos for being able to edit the material down to a single blog. I’m sure that must’ve been agony. The material is endless. (Did you debate whether to try to explain his index-card-in-pocket version of a PDA?)
Oooh, the feeling queries! I used to just make stuff up if he asked. When I was four, he started asking what my earliest memory was. I was like, “I dunno. I’m four. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast.” I can now say for certain that my earliest memory is of Dad asking me what my earliest memory was.
This was priceless. Cheers. And Happy Birthday, Dad!
Glad you like, sis! Damn, how did i forget the index cards? See, the trick to editing it down is to have limited time to write it. I planned to dash off a quick one and it expanded. But if I’d intended to make it comprehensive, it would have turned into an Encyclopedia Belgraytannica.
Your earliest memory comment made me pee. Everyone’s peeing.
Was David really on the Daily Show? If so, why wasn’t this information released on a mass family email?
There was a mass family email, I’m quite sure. Or several of them. It was in early 2006. Pretty funny, right?
Yeah, happy birthday! What a guy.
And thanks to you, too. He is quite a guy.
I feel like I want to wish your dad a happy birthday. Happy Birthday, Mr. Belgray!
You know he’s feeling the love. Thanks on behalf of my dad!
Laura, you’re awfully funny. You must have some Dad!
Love,
The logical one
I do! You should meet him. You’re the same age. Maybe you can teach him how you got on the computer and left a comment on a blog. Hey, wait…
Two points to keep in mind.
First:
Charcoal Grilling May Pose Cancer Risks.
According to the American Cancer Society, PAHs form when fat from meat drips onto the charcoal. They then rise with the smoke and can get deposited on the food. They can also form directly on the food as it is charred. The hotter the temperature and the longer the meat cooks, the more HCAs are formed.
HCAs can also form on broiled and pan-fried beef, pork, foul and fish, not just on grilled meats. In fact, National Cancer Institute researchers have identified 17 different HCAs that result from cooking “muscle meats” and that may pose human cancer risks. Studies have also shown increased risk of colorectal, pancreatic and breast cancers associated with high intakes of well done, fried or barbequed meats.
Second:
According to Wikipedia, “In old Hollywood, when Jewish folk were not permitted to join non-Jewish country clubs, they instead joined Hillcrest, all of whose members were Jewish.”
I’ve tried the cancer argument, but he comes back with the “we only grill a few times a year” one. And then I point out that in that case, he shouldn’t mind letting go the old grill. But nope, it gives him joy on those few times.
As for hollywood jews — and dentists – they’re a different kind. Upper West Side shrinks aren’t in the same category with, say, Larry David.
ha ha ha! my 8 y/o has a script when i ask “how did that make you feel?”:
“I hate talking about my feelings. It’s sooo studid.”
aw–what a sweet and innovative way to show your feelings towards your dad
thank you for sharing, and happy birthday Dr. Belgray!
Oh, that’s funny. Yup, I’ll side with your kid on that one. Feelings are so stupid.
Hm. Starch. Maybe that’s why I love beets and pasta together.
And on another note, I’m crying uncle right now…UNCLE! You pinned him precisely. Happy Birthday, Uncle David! And many happy returns.
Well thanks, Cuz. Glad I nailed it. Only certain people can really weigh in on that count.
Oh. My. God.
I feel very happy that you have written this blog post.
.-= Naomi Dunford´s last blog ..What Is YOUR Role? =-.
Thank you! I feel happy that you’ve shared that emotion here.