When people clean out their closets, they’re always so exuberant about the results. “Got rid of soooo much stuff. What a great feeling!”
I don’t have that experience.
I tried to clean my closets the other day, and all I had to show for it in the end were about 5 new free hangers.
I know the rule: if you haven’t worn it in two years, say adios. But I’m not good with rules — or goodbyes. I just can’t let go of things.
Here’s a glimpse of my tortured sorting process, item by item.
Old jeans, too big:
I don’t like the term “fat jeans,” because that means I was fat at that size. Was I? No one told me. Am I going to fit into these again? No, not if I can help it. That’s why I try not to keep ice cream in the house. So I should toss these jeans, but they’d be good to have in case we repaint the apartment: they’re comfy, and I wouldn’t care if they got splattered.
Of course, we’ll never repaint the apartment ourselves. What, are we going to have all our friends over for a “painting and pizza” party? No. We’ll hire someone and pay through the nose. Still, I’m compelled to try on the baggy jeans with a belt to see if they’d work as “boyfriend jeans.” No. They go.
Old jeans, too small:
They’re from my lowest weight. I try them on when I’m feeling skinny, to confirm that I am skinny. I also try them on when I’m feeling not-so-skinny to reassure myself that I’m wrong. Not a good idea. I’m never wrong.
These jeans are Gap 1969, a cut they’ll never make again: The Gap changed head designers since I bought them. I know, because I tried to buy several more pairs when I decided that no other jeans looked as good, and wrote an impassioned plea to headquarters to help me find them. I probably told them I had a terminal illness and wanted to die surrounded by my favorite denim.
The boot cut looks a bit 2003, but I think it will come back. And I like having a way to torment myself. So, they stay.
Black long-sleeve button down:
Kind of conservative. Also, if I want to wear something black, wouldn’t I rather wear a knit top? Who wants to deal with all these buttons? Giveaway pile. Wait, what if I’m in some group situation where they say, “everyone wear a black button down.” I’m not sure what kind of group situation, but one could come up. Singing groups sometimes have to all wear one thing. What am I talking about, singing group? I’m never, ever going to join a singing group. I can’t sing a note on key. Plus, singing groups are usually in white shirts.
It would be a great shirt to wear to funerals. But do you really want to have a funeral shirt? That’s just asking for it. It goes.
Black-and-white dotted short-sleeve button down:
It’s been in here two years and I’ve never worn it once. The tag is still on it – I’m disgusted with the waste. But I bought it at a sample sale for practically nothing, so it’s not that big a waste. If I get rid of it, it’s almost like it never existed.
But I should wear it to work meetings in summer, instead of always wearing t-shirts. A button-down is more professional-looking. More polished. They say to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Hold on, the job I want is the job I have – the job where I can wear whatever I want. But I want to be taken seriously. Oh, let’s get real, no one is going to take me seriously in the summer anyway, because they can see my feet. And my feet are a joke. The shirt goes. No, but it’s kind of cute, now I can see why I bought it. It stays.
Belt with giant flower on it
From Anthropologie. Their in-store stylist put it on me and said, “It makes the outfit.” I think I already gave away the outfit that it “made.” I’ll never wear it. But Anthropologie has a great return policy. I know I still have the receipt in one of my old wallets. It stays, till I can take it back.
Dangerous vintage shoes
I sprain an ankle every time I wear them. But they’re fantastic! Maybe there are exercises to strengthen your ankles. I can’t just give up on myself like that. They stay.
Marc Jacobs pink “camouflage” button-down
It’s time to let this one go. Every time I wear it, I feel like crap. It has a dusty rose color in it that my friend Victoria said I should never, ever wear. I wasn’t even wearing that color when she said it. My head was on a pillow, and she said, “Get that pillow away from your face. It’s the worst possible color for you. It washes you out. Remember that, if you’re ever thinking about wearing it.”
But it’s so lightweight. I learned that the fabric is called “henley.” It’s the perfect shirt to wear at the beach, like, at a clambake.
Maybe with a tan, or a bright, colorful necklace, I wouldn’t look like death in it.
Plus, I bought it at Marc Jacobs back in 2002, which I think might be vintage now. So I can’t just give it to Housing Works.
This is the 5th time I’ve tried to get rid of it, but it stays.
Long brown wool skirt
I just read that long skirts are coming back, as a backlash to mini skirts. But this skirt is just plain dowdy. It makes me look like an Orthodox girl on her way to yeshiva. Anyway, as a backlash to mini skirts, I can keep wearing what I’ve been wearing: pants. It goes.
Yay! That one was easy.
Come and get it, Housing Works.
I am wondering if you got rid of all those awesome Naf Naf outfits you rocked in the '80's? Those could sell on Ebay for a fortune…!
Heck no, I wouldn't part with those. I'm saving them for when the “retro asshole” look is in.
Type your reply…
Ebay? That's too low end for Naf Naf. I'm saving them for the Phillips auction, or whichever one has the most assholes. Because Naf Naf is for assholes.
I am wondering if you got rid of all those awesome Naf Naf outfits you rocked in the ’80’s? Those could sell on Ebay for a fortune…!
Heck no, I wouldn’t part with those. I’m saving them for when the “retro asshole” look is in.
Type your reply…
Ebay? That’s too low end for Naf Naf. I’m saving them for the Phillips auction, or whichever one has the most assholes. Because Naf Naf is for assholes.
Did I really just volunteer that comment about you and the rose color? I'm so annoying (but I still totally agree with myself — it's a terrible color for both of us). But since I am so into my big fat opinions, I really don't think you should be getting rid of your button down shirts (except the rose one, of course, even if it is Mark Jacobs pre his Jappy mall ubiquity) — I like that look on you when you open a few buttons, very sexy but not too va va voom, due to your alluring decolletage. And the black and white shirt would look nice with white linen pants, no?
You did! You're like Amway-meets-“An Inconvenient Truth.” And I thank you for it. Here's the thing with button-downs: very few look right on me, because I don't have a very long neck. They make it look that much shorter. Now, as for white linen pants…you're kidding, right? You wanna make me anorexic?
i think white linen trousers would look great on you if cut right. i never thought about the length of your neck –do you know that i have a midget pinky finger? i had never noticed it until jason pointed it out. it freaks me out every time i look at it.
Did I really just volunteer that comment about you and the rose color? I’m so annoying (but I still totally agree with myself — it’s a terrible color for both of us). But since I am so into my big fat opinions, I really don’t think you should be getting rid of your button down shirts (except the rose one, of course, even if it is Mark Jacobs pre his Jappy mall ubiquity) — I like that look on you when you open a few buttons, very sexy but not too va va voom, due to your alluring decolletage. And the black and white shirt would look nice with white linen pants, no?
You did! You’re like Amway-meets-“An Inconvenient Truth.” And I thank you for it. Here’s the thing with button-downs: very few look right on me, because I don’t have a very long neck. They make it look that much shorter. Now, as for white linen pants…you’re kidding, right? You wanna make me anorexic?
i think white linen trousers would look great on you if cut right. i never thought about the length of your neck –do you know that i have a midget pinky finger? i had never noticed it until jason pointed it out. it freaks me out every time i look at it.
I love this post. The “group situations” dilemma starting hitting me when I went to into teaching. I found myself running to Target at 8:55 PM looking for a red shirt (but not a red T-shirt, because that's not professional) to wear for a school spirit day of some sort. Then, I go and switch schools and have to do a similar run to Target for a kelly green shirt (again, but not a T-shirt) for yet another school spirit day. And just tonight, I wandered the aisles of Target for something appropriate to wear for “Pajama Day” that's not flannel or risque. I lucked out, and found a cute pair for pajamas that had balloon animals on them that I would have bought anyway. So, I have a closet full of “group situations/spirit day” shirts. Why can't a school's colors be black and white? Then I'd be all set.
I'm so glad someone not only relates to the “group situations” fear, but can actually offer validation! These things really do come up! Well, I guess more so if you're a teacher than if you're a writer working from home in a tank top and sweats. But still, there are tyrants out there who take pleasure in making big groups of people all wear something they couldn't possibly own. Thank you.
I love this post. The “group situations” dilemma starting hitting me when I went to into teaching. I found myself running to Target at 8:55 PM looking for a red shirt (but not a red T-shirt, because that’s not professional) to wear for a school spirit day of some sort. Then, I go and switch schools and have to do a similar run to Target for a kelly green shirt (again, but not a T-shirt) for yet another school spirit day. And just tonight, I wandered the aisles of Target for something appropriate to wear for “Pajama Day” that’s not flannel or risque. I lucked out, and found a cute pair for pajamas that had balloon animals on them that I would have bought anyway. So, I have a closet full of “group situations/spirit day” shirts. Why can’t a school’s colors be black and white? Then I’d be all set.
I’m so glad someone not only relates to the “group situations” fear, but can actually offer validation! These things really do come up! Well, I guess more so if you’re a teacher than if you’re a writer working from home in a tank top and sweats. But still, there are tyrants out there who take pleasure in making big groups of people all wear something they couldn’t possibly own. Thank you.
wierd – closet cleaning is in the air right now – so great to read your piece. The topic has mysteriously come up a few times in the last few days so clearly there's a message for me here… Someone just told me that when you buy something new you should remove an equal or greater number of items from your closet. That seems hard. I love your list of problem items – I need to make a pile (or list) of those items – the ones I know should be purged but that I hang on to anyways. That might help me purge?
I get stuck on the pieces that cost mucho money and I don't want to admit they were a big mistake. Or the things I do wear once every 2 years but never more than that. Plus I have some pants that don't look good but sometimes when I'm in a bad mood and it's cold and I am walking the dog, those pants seem to fit the bill.
Ok you have inspired me. I have to try to clear out the closet…
It's true, you should remove something to make room for each new item. You should treat your closet like a crowded nightclub, where you are the bouncer. You have to tell the new items, “Sorry folks, we're at capacity. Can't let you in until a bunch of pants leave.” Unfortunately, the pants don't leave voluntarily. You have to kick them out.
Yes, the expensive mistakes are the worst. As for dog-walking pants, one of those other rules is, you're only supposed to wear things that make you look and feel great. But I like to keep those items clean. So I, too, keep crappy-feeling clothes around so I don't have to “waste” feeling good on trips around the corner.
wierd – closet cleaning is in the air right now – so great to read your piece. The topic has mysteriously come up a few times in the last few days so clearly there’s a message for me here… Someone just told me that when you buy something new you should remove an equal or greater number of items from your closet. That seems hard. I love your list of problem items – I need to make a pile (or list) of those items – the ones I know should be purged but that I hang on to anyways. That might help me purge?
I get stuck on the pieces that cost mucho money and I don’t want to admit they were a big mistake. Or the things I do wear once every 2 years but never more than that. Plus I have some pants that don’t look good but sometimes when I’m in a bad mood and it’s cold and I am walking the dog, those pants seem to fit the bill.
Ok you have inspired me. I have to try to clear out the closet…
It’s true, you should remove something to make room for each new item. You should treat your closet like a crowded nightclub, where you are the bouncer. You have to tell the new items, “Sorry folks, we’re at capacity. Can’t let you in until a bunch of pants leave.” Unfortunately, the pants don’t leave voluntarily. You have to kick them out.
Yes, the expensive mistakes are the worst. As for dog-walking pants, one of those other rules is, you’re only supposed to wear things that make you look and feel great. But I like to keep those items clean. So I, too, keep crappy-feeling clothes around so I don’t have to “waste” feeling good on trips around the corner.
Not being a chick is so cool.
I can only imagine.
Not being a chick is so cool.
I can only imagine.
First of all…. YAY DISQUS!
Secondly, I SO TOTALLY do that thing where you keep an item of clothing because of “group situations.” For example, any sort of button down, black pants that look like crap but everyone needs black pants, white/black t-shirts, etc etc. I rarely wear boring clothes such as these but they've been sitting in my closet since high school. Just in case I ever join a choir, become employed at a restaurant, need to take a group photo or go on vacation with my family during the 80s when we all wore matching brightly colored t-shirts so that we wouldn't lose each other. Good times.
Working at a restaurant is totally the other situation I stay prepared for! And I'm the worst waitress. I'll never wait tables again.
Speaking of pants that look like crap, I kept a pair of sweats so long that they got all stretched out and droopy in the butt. I once wore them on an errand, but with a clingy shirt to balance it out. Some guy on 6th Ave said “Hey sweetcakes” as I walked by. Then, when he saw my droopy pants from the back he said, “make that sourdough.”
First of all…. YAY DISQUS!
Secondly, I SO TOTALLY do that thing where you keep an item of clothing because of “group situations.” For example, any sort of button down, black pants that look like crap but everyone needs black pants, white/black t-shirts, etc etc. I rarely wear boring clothes such as these but they’ve been sitting in my closet since high school. Just in case I ever join a choir, become employed at a restaurant, need to take a group photo or go on vacation with my family during the 80s when we all wore matching brightly colored t-shirts so that we wouldn’t lose each other. Good times.
Working at a restaurant is totally the other situation I stay prepared for! And I’m the worst waitress. I’ll never wait tables again.
Speaking of pants that look like crap, I kept a pair of sweats so long that they got all stretched out and droopy in the butt. I once wore them on an errand, but with a clingy shirt to balance it out. Some guy on 6th Ave said “Hey sweetcakes” as I walked by. Then, when he saw my droopy pants from the back he said, “make that sourdough.”
Sorry darling, I'm a closet-clutter-clearing demon. Gives me physical shivers of pleasure to throw things out.
Wrong, I know.
It's the buying I find scary…
Yeah, you should be scared of buying. Aren't you in Hong Kong? Don't ever let me loose in Hong Kong.
Singapore, darling, Singapore.
Better.
Oh, so totally, all around. If it's any consolation (? I can't imagine how it would be) I saw the 1969 jeans at the GAP here in Tokyo the other day. Maybe that means they're everywhere? My vintage keeper is a blue polka dotted sleeveless shirt that zips up the back. I can't wear sleeveless shirts to work and it looks weird with a cardigan or jacket because of its cute collar. But it's kind of cute and interesting (er, on the hanger) so I keep keeping it. Also, did I mention it zips up the back? Very convenient, that.
Also, I have five pairs of jeans now. Combined, they could make one perfect pair. Individually, one is a little too stretchy, one is a little too low-waisted, one is a little too ratty… etc. But none bad enough to totally give up on. Erg.
Oh, they still make 1969 jeans here. Just not that CUT. The pockets are a very particular size and distance apart, a mathematical equation that I should figure out because it's the key to optical butt minimization.
Can you have a gap between your sleeves and shoulders? Maybe you can buy – or make- those sleeves that are just sleeves. Like legwarmers for your arms. I'm all about going the distance to make one inconvenient item of clothing work, so it can stay in the closet.
Sorry darling, I’m a closet-clutter-clearing demon. Gives me physical shivers of pleasure to throw things out.
Wrong, I know.
It’s the buying I find scary…
Yeah, you should be scared of buying. Aren’t you in Hong Kong? Don’t ever let me loose in Hong Kong.
Singapore, darling, Singapore.
Better.
Oh, so totally, all around. If it’s any consolation (? I can’t imagine how it would be) I saw the 1969 jeans at the GAP here in Tokyo the other day. Maybe that means they’re everywhere? My vintage keeper is a blue polka dotted sleeveless shirt that zips up the back. I can’t wear sleeveless shirts to work and it looks weird with a cardigan or jacket because of its cute collar. But it’s kind of cute and interesting (er, on the hanger) so I keep keeping it. Also, did I mention it zips up the back? Very convenient, that.
Also, I have five pairs of jeans now. Combined, they could make one perfect pair. Individually, one is a little too stretchy, one is a little too low-waisted, one is a little too ratty… etc. But none bad enough to totally give up on. Erg.
Oh, they still make 1969 jeans here. Just not that CUT. The pockets are a very particular size and distance apart, a mathematical equation that I should figure out because it’s the key to optical butt minimization.
Can you have a gap between your sleeves and shoulders? Maybe you can buy – or make- those sleeves that are just sleeves. Like legwarmers for your arms. I’m all about going the distance to make one inconvenient item of clothing work, so it can stay in the closet.
I tried to pretend that I have NO idea of what you speak but my overstuffed closet full of ridiculousness mocks me from the other room. As does the suitcase (yes, suitcase) filled with cute awesomeness that cannot see to fit in said closet due to the aforementioned overstock.
Oh, the suitcase! My spare one is filled with salsa videos on VHS, so I can't fill it with clothes. And I can't throw out my salsa shoes, because there's still the possibility of dragging out the salsa videos and taking that up again. I'm glad you can't pretend you don't know. It's too hard to live a lie.
I have such a hard time getting rid of clothes. I'm about to turn 28 and I still have some clothes from when I was in the 7th grade. Not only does the over sized bleach stained Pearl Jam concert t-shirt still fit, but it's so old and comfy, and it's already bleach stained so I can't ruin it.
I've gotten better at purging the things that don't fit, but I think that's only because I've had so much weight gain and then loss in the past 3 years that I have become very talented at getting a new wardrobe at thrift stores. Now I can just look at things and think “too big, from the thrift store, back to the thrift store with you.” There's less emotional attachment to most of the thrift store clothes. But some still sneak in. Like the slightly too big Calvin Klein jacket that still had the original $96 price tag on it that I bought for $1.50. That was hard to give up, I had to make a friend take it from me.
Thrift stores used to be the most dangerous place for me. Now I stay out of them, because I've bought so many mistakes. “This vintage sequined jacket will be perfect over a formal gown.” What formal gown? And no, it won't be perfect, because the sequins need to be sewn back on.
The rule is if you haven't worn it in 1 year! But I'm a frequent closet purger, so much so that Adam told me to buy some new clothes. I am hanging on to one black button down funeral shirt too…but I probably will be wearing black pants, so I most likely won't be wearing a black shirt too. It goes! I like to consign (if it's in good condition)–then I use my earnings to buy something better and I have no purging remorse.
I always want to consign, but I have this conversation with myself: “Those people take half. I'd do so much better if I sold it on ebay. I just have to get a white backdrop and one of those torso mannequins so I can photograph stuff. And then figure out how to mail things. No, maybe I should consign it. But it's a summer item and it's now winter, so I'll have to wait till next year. It stays.”
I eBay'd a couple of things (2 different things went to people in France–I guess they don't sell handbags and skirts in France)…but that's a pain in the butt. The 50% split is worth it for fun money (even if it's not that much). I have to say, I used to hang on to clothes forever, but now I stick with the “you use 20% of your clothes [or whatever else] 80% of the time”–so I get rid of the other 80%. It's freeing.
I would like it to be publicly noted that my closet kicks your closet's ass. I have cleaned the living shit out of my closet.
How, you ask? (My God, I'm SO glad you asked.)
By replacing everything I own with prairie skirts and dresses from the Gap. It has recently occurred to me that they all make me look between 4 and 6 months pregnant, but I don't care. They are trendy. I know this because they were all in the window at the Gap. (Also, fat lot of good it does me, caring that I look pregnant now. I threw out the rest of my clothes.)
I am pregnant prairie housewife. Hear me churn butter.
You sure that was The Gap and not Olsen's General Store? Don't wear a showy bonnet, or Nelly Olsen might try to push you down the hill. She's very competitive. Sorry if these references are foreign; I don't know if you Canadians dig Little House.
Either way, your closet sounds both organized and frontier-chic.
If I had any prairie skirts in my closet, I'd have to keep it for life just in case I got invited to a square dance. I live in fear of being unprepared for theme parties.
I tried to pretend that I have NO idea of what you speak but my overstuffed closet full of ridiculousness mocks me from the other room. As does the suitcase (yes, suitcase) filled with cute awesomeness that cannot see to fit in said closet due to the aforementioned overstock.
Oh, the suitcase! My spare one is filled with salsa videos on VHS, so I can’t fill it with clothes. And I can’t throw out my salsa shoes, because there’s still the possibility of dragging out the salsa videos and taking that up again. I’m glad you can’t pretend you don’t know. It’s too hard to live a lie.
I have such a hard time getting rid of clothes. I’m about to turn 28 and I still have some clothes from when I was in the 7th grade. Not only does the over sized bleach stained Pearl Jam concert t-shirt still fit, but it’s so old and comfy, and it’s already bleach stained so I can’t ruin it.
I’ve gotten better at purging the things that don’t fit, but I think that’s only because I’ve had so much weight gain and then loss in the past 3 years that I have become very talented at getting a new wardrobe at thrift stores. Now I can just look at things and think “too big, from the thrift store, back to the thrift store with you.” There’s less emotional attachment to most of the thrift store clothes. But some still sneak in. Like the slightly too big Calvin Klein jacket that still had the original $96 price tag on it that I bought for $1.50. That was hard to give up, I had to make a friend take it from me.
Thrift stores used to be the most dangerous place for me. Now I stay out of them, because I’ve bought so many mistakes. “This vintage sequined jacket will be perfect over a formal gown.” What formal gown? And no, it won’t be perfect, because the sequins need to be sewn back on.
The rule is if you haven’t worn it in 1 year! But I’m a frequent closet purger, so much so that Adam told me to buy some new clothes. I am hanging on to one black button down funeral shirt too…but I probably will be wearing black pants, so I most likely won’t be wearing a black shirt too. It goes! I like to consign (if it’s in good condition)–then I use my earnings to buy something better and I have no purging remorse.
I always want to consign, but I have this conversation with myself: “Those people take half. I’d do so much better if I sold it on ebay. I just have to get a white backdrop and one of those torso mannequins so I can photograph stuff. And then figure out how to mail things. No, maybe I should consign it. But it’s a summer item and it’s now winter, so I’ll have to wait till next year. It stays.”
I eBay’d a couple of things (2 different things went to people in France–I guess they don’t sell handbags and skirts in France)…but that’s a pain in the butt. The 50% split is worth it for fun money (even if it’s not that much). I have to say, I used to hang on to clothes forever, but now I stick with the “you use 20% of your clothes [or whatever else] 80% of the time”–so I get rid of the other 80%. It’s freeing.
I would like it to be publicly noted that my closet kicks your closet’s ass. I have cleaned the living shit out of my closet.
How, you ask? (My God, I’m SO glad you asked.)
By replacing everything I own with prairie skirts and dresses from the Gap. It has recently occurred to me that they all make me look between 4 and 6 months pregnant, but I don’t care. They are trendy. I know this because they were all in the window at the Gap. (Also, fat lot of good it does me, caring that I look pregnant now. I threw out the rest of my clothes.)
I am pregnant prairie housewife. Hear me churn butter.
You sure that was The Gap and not Olsen’s General Store? Don’t wear a showy bonnet, or Nelly Olsen might try to push you down the hill. She’s very competitive. Sorry if these references are foreign; I don’t know if you Canadians dig Little House.
Either way, your closet sounds both organized and frontier-chic.
If I had any prairie skirts in my closet, I’d have to keep it for life just in case I got invited to a square dance. I live in fear of being unprepared for theme parties.