It’s Thursday, 10pm. I set myself up in my favorite position: cross-legged on the floor, with my back against the sofa and takeout in front of me on newspaper. It’s game time. The Real Housewives of New York Reunion show, Part I.
I don’t normally watch TV in real time, but for this event, I make an exception.I don’t budge, except during one commercial, to switch to dessert.
I’m in my own little heaven, lapping up chocolate ice cream and irrational grudges, when Steven walks in, home from work.
Thank God for the pause button (if there is a God, that’s the evidence), because my husband has things to say, and they won’t wait for a commercial.
“Oh, no. Is this what we’re watching? How can you watch this shit?”
Pause. I know exactly how silly it sounds, but I say it anyway: “Hun, this show is really important to me. Please?” Play.
Then, he watches along with me. Not to share it with me, but to say “Hi. I’m Lou” in his huskiest drag voice every time Countess Luanne speaks. And then, the inevitable comment:
“These people are so boring. Do they even do anything? Do they work? What do they contribute to society?”
I’ll tell you what they contribute: a delicious rainbow of ridiculousness. Vanity, hypocrisy, backstabbing, venom, jealousy, pettiness, delusion, jawdropping stupidity, meltdowns, and delightful malapropisms like “kadooz to all of us” and “making a mountain out of a holemill.”
But, most importantly, they provide a safe outlet for what might be my most dangerous trait. I’m nosy and gossipy. Hate to say it, but I’m a little bit of a Jill Zarin. It’s in my nature to pry into other peoples’ beeswax and then discuss it all over town.
Some people know instinctively not to do this. For me, not gossiping is like elegance: it’s learned. (My friends.)
One day, in sixth grade, I heard two girls from my class, Daria and Gina talking on the landing above me in the stairwell. “She’s being such a bitch,” Daria said. “Yeah,” Gina agreed. “Let’s give her the silent treatment and then not invite her to pizza on Wednesday.”
I wasn’t even friends with Daria and Gina, but that didn’t stop me from leaning into the air shaft and shouting upwards, “Hey Daria — who are you guys talking about?”
There was a short silence. Then, Gina leaned her head over the railing and shouted back to me. “Excuse me, Laura, but that’s really none of your business.”
Yeah? And?
“OK.” I said. “Sorry.” I was embarrassed, but more frustrated that I’d failed to get the dirt. I should have kept quiet, I realized, and just listened a little longer.
Shows like Real Housewives give me my fix. They let me in on friendship breakups and back-talking and ugly spats that, in real life, I wouldn’t know about unless I attended the Jill Stuart fashion show wearing Sonic Ear, or stowed away on Ramona’s privately chartered yacht. (You know what happens to stowaways who get caught. Instead of walking the plank, they have to sweep the ladies’ toenail clippings, bunk with Kelly, and eat Skinny Girl Compost — all the scraps from Bethenny’s deceptively delicious, low-fat cooking.)
So, I get to be privy to all this stuff that’s none of my business, and then I get free license to talk shit. At a dinner party, I can make fun of Alex McCord’s slave-auction chain dress, Ramona’s bug eyes, Kelly Bensimon’s questionable Columbia education and incredibly un-zippy comebacks — like “Zip it” — all without being condemned as a horrible town gossip.
If I were talking about real real people, some guy would say “Meow!” and some female friend would say, “Hey, be nice.” And then I’d be ashamed. But since I’m just talking about reality people, it’s fun for all.
Except maybe for Steven, who sighs and asks, “When does this show end?”
Too soon, that’s when.
I usually wouldn't admit to having surfed around post-Reunion Special 2 looking for more more more dirt on the ladies, except I have to do so in order to share the following sentence I just read on Jill's blog: “While I certainly am sorry about many things, what did I do that was so gregious that these women just do not have in their hearts to forgive? “
You're welcome. xoxo
What! Is it my birthday? Because “gregious” is the greatest gift ever. My new favorite word, and I plan to use it many times today. I'm going to go tell someone they look absolutely gregious today. Yes, thank you.
I usually wouldn’t admit to having surfed around post-Reunion Special 2 looking for more more more dirt on the ladies, except I have to do so in order to share the following sentence I just read on Jill’s blog: “While I certainly am sorry about many things, what did I do that was so gregious that these women just do not have in their hearts to forgive? ”
You’re welcome. xoxo
What! Is it my birthday? Because “gregious” is the greatest gift ever. My new favorite word, and I plan to use it many times today. I’m going to go tell someone they look absolutely gregious today. Yes, thank you.
I just got back from the gym where I blissfully watch tv uninterupted for an hour on the treadmill and what was on tv? The president giving the state of the union or something, and RHONY. You know what I had to watch. I was mesmerized. Commercials were for Nancy Grace and her weird helmet hair and Van Der Sloot. Then back to the juice. It's kind of like a drug: I haven't admitted it to Chad, you brought it up so you're in the club, and I'd switch it off if someone came in to the room and saw me watching it, like, for sure my parents. I'm racking my brain for the best moment. I remember thinking to myself that I wish I were watching it with someone to ask “did she really say that”? And now I can't remember it. Thank goodness, Laura, you have brought this shameful subject in to the open. I still cannot figure out why Kelly is on there. Did you see the one where they went on a boat trip and ended up in some rented house and Bethenny gave everyone a tote bag with her Skinny Girl shit and Kelly broke down crying “I just don't understand why she would do this”!
Oh Liz, I just want to hug you. To think that you've been living with this secret when there are all of us proud viewers here to support you.
Did I see that one? Did I see it? It's referred to as “Scary Island” and of course I saw it. I think of it as the moment Kelly finally returned to her ridiculous self. It was looking dicey for several episodes. I was really afraid that she'd evolved or something, which would be terrible. Thank goodness, she pulled through and her color returned to that bright, glorious shade of moron.
Love it! Adam cannot comprehend my giddiness for the reunion shows. I LOVE that they're dragging it out. Last Thursday he kept talking all the way through it and through Bethenny Getting Married? Same kind of comments as Steven. It was torture. RHNJ is almost too awful for me. But I'll power through it.
Oh, I am powering through RHHNJ too–but I have to forward sometimes because Danielle is just too much in crazy land for me!
It is a delicate balance. Because Kelly is crazy, but really mostly stupid and thinks she's smart. It's not as funny when she's just plain crazy. Way more funny when she's just caught being an idiot and doesn't get it. Cuckoo in the raw isn't as interesting.
For me, nothing lives up to RHONY, because those ladies are pretending to be something they're basically not (socialites), which adds an extra layer of hilarity. All the other groups of housewives are what they are.
The Danielle situation is sad to me because of her two deer-in-the-headlights daughters. I made Adam read your blog so he could have someone else's perspective on the importance of all things RH. He laughed and then went back to watching 5 minutes of the middle of a movie, his specialty.
And they're so pretty! Shows you what she might have looked like before she Mr. Potato'd her face. Steven's specialty is catching the end of Law and Order episodes, then asking if we can record it from the beginning. He doesn't have a full grasp of the DVR's limitations. There's a lot of magical thinking that goes on.
Just as well – there needs to be one thing I'm smarter about.
Don't you have the “start this program at the beginning” feature on your cable box? (But it doesn't pop up on all TV shows, however).
Well, yes, we do have that – it only made the problem worse, because it reinforced the notion that you can go back in time. It only works with shows that are also available on demand.
Guys just don't carry the gene for delighting in meaningless interpersonal drama. Meanwhile, Steven can sit in front of Deadliest Catch for 10 hours straight. Flies will land on him and he won't even bother to swat them off while he's watching men at sea. Guess that's his Housewives.
It truly is torture when someone interrupts that show. If an enemy nation captured me, they could get all the info they wanted by talking over Kelly Bensimon. I'd start singing like a canary.
Hilarious, as usual. I never thought of you as a nosy body, but now I'm remembering you used to eavesdrop on me while I played with my toys. Guess you needed to dish the latest Barbie dirt.
FYI, I figured out a way to get husbands hooked on trashy TV: Have them bet on it. At key moments, pause the DVR and pose a question like, “which Bachelorette is going to cry when she doesn't get a rose?” Whoever wins gets to NOT change the next poopy diaper.
I was probably taking notes in my little book. Material for my novel, or for evidence that you needed to see Dorothy Block. I was building a case.
That is a great ploy! Betting. “Who's going to say the thing that makes you walk out of the room in disgust? Let's go double or nothing.” Whoever wins gets to use my tote bag all week.
OOOOOOH HELL–you just rocked my world-AGAIN!
First off, we never talked about HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS SHOW. It is sooooooo bad, it's good.
Ummm…I am embarrassed to say it–but I just got in a fight with my husband because he was telling me that the show made him sick and I was so annoyed because while he was talking I could not hear CRAZY Kelly talk about how she was “systematically bullied”–so my husband left the room thinking I was the crazy one. If he only knew about Kelly then he would know what REAL crazy looked like.
And I AM DYING that you added a link to THE SONG. Priceless (oh yeah.)
I think the Reunion Part 2 even beats Part 1–but I am holding out for Part 3 to make a final call.
Listen, I knew I loved you…but now I want to marry you.
I don't know why we haven't discussed it. It's only my number one favorite topic of conversation. Everyone talks about finding your passion…well, this is mine!
It wasn't so much “systematically bullied” as “syssematicallybullied.” Who taught her that phrase? It was like when foreign people sing songs in English they don't understand the words to.
Instead of getting married, let's just renew our vows. I'm all about renewal this year. I'm going to renew my entire face, but not with surgery — just fillers.
xoxo
I agree with you. I think this show is “magical” (hint, hint).
It is magical. Like the moment. The moment is a magical place, Bruce.
I just got back from the gym where I blissfully watch tv uninterupted for an hour on the treadmill and what was on tv? The president giving the state of the union or something, and RHONY. You know what I had to watch. I was mesmerized. Commercials were for Nancy Grace and her weird helmet hair and Van Der Sloot. Then back to the juice. It’s kind of like a drug: I haven’t admitted it to Chad, you brought it up so you’re in the club, and I’d switch it off if someone came in to the room and saw me watching it, like, for sure my parents. I’m racking my brain for the best moment. I remember thinking to myself that I wish I were watching it with someone to ask “did she really say that”? And now I can’t remember it. Thank goodness, Laura, you have brought this shameful subject in to the open. I still cannot figure out why Kelly is on there. Did you see the one where they went on a boat trip and ended up in some rented house and Bethenny gave everyone a tote bag with her Skinny Girl shit and Kelly broke down crying “I just don’t understand why she would do this”!
Oh Liz, I just want to hug you. To think that you’ve been living with this secret when there are all of us proud viewers here to support you.
Did I see that one? Did I see it? It’s referred to as “Scary Island” and of course I saw it. I think of it as the moment Kelly finally returned to her ridiculous self. It was looking dicey for several episodes. I was really afraid that she’d evolved or something, which would be terrible. Thank goodness, she pulled through and her color returned to that bright, glorious shade of moron.
Love it! Adam cannot comprehend my giddiness for the reunion shows. I LOVE that they’re dragging it out. Last Thursday he kept talking all the way through it and through Bethenny Getting Married? Same kind of comments as Steven. It was torture. RHNJ is almost too awful for me. But I’ll power through it.
Oh, I am powering through RHHNJ too–but I have to forward sometimes because Danielle is just too much in crazy land for me!
It is a delicate balance. Because Kelly is crazy, but really mostly stupid and thinks she’s smart. It’s not as funny when she’s just plain crazy. Way more funny when she’s just caught being an idiot and doesn’t get it. Cuckoo in the raw isn’t as interesting.
For me, nothing lives up to RHONY, because those ladies are pretending to be something they’re basically not (socialites), which adds an extra layer of hilarity. All the other groups of housewives are what they are.
The Danielle situation is sad to me because of her two deer-in-the-headlights daughters. I made Adam read your blog so he could have someone else’s perspective on the importance of all things RH. He laughed and then went back to watching 5 minutes of the middle of a movie, his specialty.
And they’re so pretty! Shows you what she might have looked like before she Mr. Potato’d her face. Steven’s specialty is catching the end of Law and Order episodes, then asking if we can record it from the beginning. He doesn’t have a full grasp of the DVR’s limitations. There’s a lot of magical thinking that goes on.
Just as well – there needs to be one thing I’m smarter about.
Don’t you have the “start this program at the beginning” feature on your cable box? (But it doesn’t pop up on all TV shows, however).
Well, yes, we do have that – it only made the problem worse, because it reinforced the notion that you can go back in time. It only works with shows that are also available on demand.
Guys just don’t carry the gene for delighting in meaningless interpersonal drama. Meanwhile, Steven can sit in front of Deadliest Catch for 10 hours straight. Flies will land on him and he won’t even bother to swat them off while he’s watching men at sea. Guess that’s his Housewives.
It truly is torture when someone interrupts that show. If an enemy nation captured me, they could get all the info they wanted by talking over Kelly Bensimon. I’d start singing like a canary.
Hilarious, as usual. I never thought of you as a nosy body, but now I’m remembering you used to eavesdrop on me while I played with my toys. Guess you needed to dish the latest Barbie dirt.
FYI, I figured out a way to get husbands hooked on trashy TV: Have them bet on it. At key moments, pause the DVR and pose a question like, “which Bachelorette is going to cry when she doesn’t get a rose?” Whoever wins gets to NOT change the next poopy diaper.
I was probably taking notes in my little book. Material for my novel, or for evidence that you needed to see Dorothy Block. I was building a case.
That is a great ploy! Betting. “Who’s going to say the thing that makes you walk out of the room in disgust? Let’s go double or nothing.” Whoever wins gets to use my tote bag all week.
OOOOOOH HELL–you just rocked my world-AGAIN!
First off, we never talked about HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS SHOW. It is sooooooo bad, it’s good.
Ummm…I am embarrassed to say it–but I just got in a fight with my husband because he was telling me that the show made him sick and I was so annoyed because while he was talking I could not hear CRAZY Kelly talk about how she was “systematically bullied”–so my husband left the room thinking I was the crazy one. If he only knew about Kelly then he would know what REAL crazy looked like.
And I AM DYING that you added a link to THE SONG. Priceless (oh yeah.)
I think the Reunion Part 2 even beats Part 1–but I am holding out for Part 3 to make a final call.
Listen, I knew I loved you…but now I want to marry you.
I don’t know why we haven’t discussed it. It’s only my number one favorite topic of conversation. Everyone talks about finding your passion…well, this is mine!
It wasn’t so much “systematically bullied” as “syssematicallybullied.” Who taught her that phrase? It was like when foreign people sing songs in English they don’t understand the words to.
Instead of getting married, let’s just renew our vows. I’m all about renewal this year. I’m going to renew my entire face, but not with surgery — just fillers.
xoxo
I agree with you. I think this show is “magical” (hint, hint).
It is magical. Like the moment. The moment is a magical place, Bruce.