In hip hop class at Crunch the other day, I was rockin’ it out. I’d picked up the routine and was adding some sassy flair. I was “making it mine.” The teacher, Ray, noticed. She yelled, “Yeah, Laura! Work it, girl!”
Then, on her way past me to adjust the stereo, she raised her hand for a high five – which I totally botched.
“Ooh, that was lame,” I said, needlessly.
“It was,” she agreed. “And it was all my doing.”
Yeah, right. Nice of her, though.
That awkward moment sums up my odd coordination skills: I can pick up the most complex dance footwork, but I can’t make a high five to save my life. I really mean that. If someone pointed a gun at me and said, “do a good high five or I’ll blow your brains out,” I’d have a hole through my head. That is, unless their aim was as bad as mine.
I think it’s a combo of poor spatial relations and pure spaziness.
I can’t hit a tennis ball, or even an oversized Nerf ball.
But I do hit everything else, with my feet. I stub my toe all over the house. Every time I make the bed, I try to warn myself, “there’s a leg of the bed right there – don’t get too close with your feet,” but my feet just go their own way. I have several black toenails to prove it.
I trip an average of once every other day.
The off days are just a fluke. I’m used to feeling my face sting with “I-almost-ate-pavement” adrenaline mixed with “how-many-people-saw-that” humiliation. Like everyone, the first thing I do when I trip is look accusingly at the ground to see what tripped me, and shake my head to imply, “Why doesn’t someone use my tax dollars to fix that crack in the sidewalk?” The second thing I do is wish I could tell everyone who saw me trip, “I’m pretty good at dance steps.”
The only thing doofier than tripping is a failed high five. It’s deadly.
When you miss, you make the other person look pathetically uncool, too. It’s uncomfortable like a terrible date. Neither person is sure who screwed it up, but both want to pretend it never happened.
I panic when someone holds their hand up for a high five. I know it’s only going to end in tears. But you can’t refuse a high five. You can’t say, “no thanks, I’m not very good at slapping five.” So I try my best. Although you’re supposed to slap without hesitation, I take a moment to prepare. I focus on the hand, the way a bowler stares down the pins before letting the ball go. And then, just like I do in bowling, I miss.
Say what you want about fist-bumping — it’s for frat boys, or, if you’re Fox News, for terrorists — but I think it’s the greatest thing ever. Not that a flat palm should be such a hard target, but there’s something so do-able and easy about knocking knuckles. That’s probably why Obama likes it. Imagine how many approval points he’d lose if he spazzed out on a televised high-five.
The fist bump is a no-risk deal. Even I can’t fuck up a fist bump.
Now watch. I shouldn’t have said that. In case you fist bump me and I miss, just remember: I’m really good at dance steps.
Seriously, I read something about frequent tripping as a medical issue while researching something related to my youngest son. It included things like stubbing toes and banging hand or shoulder into wall while rounding a corner. Wish I could remember where I saw it. Good luck.
Medical! Well it'd be nice to have a doctor's note, but shit, it's not terminal, is it? Now you've sent me down the google-hole.
Were you able to find anything on this? I've been trying to remember what I had found before and I think it's one of the things that led to eyeglasses!
Hi-fives are so retro-last-minute ago. Crunch is a hot-tub time machine without the hot tub. You gotta learn to blow it up. And then there is the double pound.
xoh~
IB
Haha. Crunch has the good classes, and people still high five. So I'm stuck in old-timey city. Hi IB!
Seriously, I read something about frequent tripping as a medical issue while researching something related to my youngest son. It included things like stubbing toes and banging hand or shoulder into wall while rounding a corner. Wish I could remember where I saw it. Good luck.
Medical! Well it’d be nice to have a doctor’s note, but shit, it’s not terminal, is it? Now you’ve sent me down the google-hole.
Were you able to find anything on this? I’ve been trying to remember what I had found before and I think it’s one of the things that led to eyeglasses!
Hi-fives are so retro-last-minute ago. Crunch is a hot-tub time machine without the hot tub. You gotta learn to blow it up. And then there is the double pound.
xoh~
IB
Haha. Crunch has the good classes, and people still high five. So I’m stuck in old-timey city. Hi IB!
I may be socially retarded, but I hate greetings that involve complex hand gestures. It's like 'what am I, a freaking mind reader?!' I always just give hugs (no single or double kiss/bises) because you can't mess up a hug.
There should be a signal for “let's explode” so that doesn't happen. And double kisses? Come on. Who do these people think they are? I'll cut my French friend some slack, but what's with Americans who do that? It serves only to throw you off and say something awkward like, “Oh, right, a double. Gotta get both cheeks!” And then you hate yourself. (You being the general you, or, more accurately, me.)
Oh I'm so sorry. I've failed. I never passed on to you my expertise at high fives or sewing hems.
Yeah, Mom – I envy kids whose parents teach them to high five at an early age. It's like skiing or a second language – way easier to pick up when you're a small child.
I love that picture of Barack bumping Michelle. Because you can totally tell that Barack can't high-five worth shit and Michelle coached him through this fist-bump change-up last night at the hotel. She has a look like, “Just like we practiced, honey, you can do it!” and he looks like he's trying to man up for a prostate exam.
“This'll be over soon.”
Exactly! They probably had a high-five coach on the campaign trail, and Michelle had to take over when the coach gave up and quit. “Let's make this easy, shall we? Meet your new best friend: the fist bump.”
Can I join this club if I can't dance? No good at high-fives OR dancing (though I'm getting better at not letting my dorkiness stop me – I can very enthusiastically turn in the wrong direction and lead with the wrong foot)…and yes, I was nodding along at the whole accusatory look at the ground thing. Victoria – I'm going to try that line (and next time you use it, imagine me laughing…'cause I thought it was funnier than hell)
Yes indeed, you're in. Welcome to the club. The dancing aptitude is just a bizarre accident, and should get me kicked out of the club, if anything.
I love this. So funny. So true to life (my life anyway).
I love knowing I'm not alone. If there are enough of us, we can all write our congressmen to abolish high-fiving and allow only air-fiving.
Ahh…a fellow toe-catcher.
Not sure which Cary Grant movie it was, but there was a scene where he tripped on one of those step-ups in the middle of a room and he said, “Have that removed!”
Which I think is hilarious and perfect.
I've used that line multiple times when I've tripped in public. Sadly, nobody has ever laughed. Not once. Their blank stare and silence make it even more embarrassing, but at this point, I'm not sure I can stop saying it.
Oh – and my favorite high five is the air high five. Then you can't miss!
There's no way to save face. You'd think humor would do it. No. Saying, “I'm fine, I'm fine” just makes it worse. Best to develop a split personality and believe it happened to someone else.
I’m a huge fan of the high 5. Particularly a pizza high 5 where both parties smack their respective pieces of pizza together. My husband says you have to use whole pizzas, but that’s a little gratuitous (read: heavy) for my taste.
I may be socially retarded, but I hate greetings that involve complex hand gestures. It’s like ‘what am I, a freaking mind reader?!’ I always just give hugs (no single or double kiss/bises) because you can’t mess up a hug.
And I HAVE fucked up fist bumps by not exploding or awkwardly exploding. (You know what I mean.)
There should be a signal for “let’s explode” so that doesn’t happen. And double kisses? Come on. Who do these people think they are? I’ll cut my French friend some slack, but what’s with Americans who do that? It serves only to throw you off and say something awkward like, “Oh, right, a double. Gotta get both cheeks!” And then you hate yourself. (You being the general you, or, more accurately, me.)
I love all of this but my absolute favourite laughing-aloud-in-an-empty-room part is the description of glaring at the ground and ahking your head when you trip.
I totally do that.
You didn;t mention the flaily “OMG AM FALLING NOOOO” hands, though. For me, that's always the most embarassing part.
Luckily, I don't usually fall. I catch my toe on something and do the stumble-jog for four or so steps, which make a racket. So even if you didn't see it happen, you'll turn around to see wtf that was. Then, there's also the roll-over-on-my-ankle trick, which looks equally stupid. And causes me to yell “DAMMIT!” tourretically – again, just in case you didn't see it happen.
YES.
I can't even dance to make up for it.
*sad saxophone*
Can I just say that I make up words all the time but I have never made up a word as awesome as Tourretically. Just awesome.
Oh I’m so sorry. I’ve failed. I never passed on to you my expertise at high fives or sewing hems.
Yeah, Mom – I envy kids whose parents teach them to high five at an early age. It’s like skiing or a second language – way easier to pick up when you’re a small child.
Maybe you should make a T-shirt that says, “I can't walk without tripping, but MAN you should see me dance.”
You're right about high-five shame. My mom can't do it either. She can find my hand with her hand, but she doesn't seem to have any play in her wrists – she braces herself, slaps my hand and then her whole body recoils with the impact. It's just awful.
Your mom should hold her wrist with the other hand while she high fives. That will look way cool.
If you need a high five instructional manual, look no further…
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/how-to-perf…
This link came courtesy of our friends at National High Five Day — April 15. They've even got a funny music video.
http://www.nationalhighfiveday.com/
Wow! It really is about the elbow. How long has everyone known this, and why am I the last to find out?
Oh, the shame! I'm pretty lame at high-fives too. Fist bumps are way better.
Thank you for sharing my shame.
You're focusing on the hand when you should be focusing on the other person's elbow. If the elbows are aligned, you're good to go.
-If I was a DJ, I would be DJ High 5-
So sad, I am genuinely excited to try this high-fiving tip! Elbows, huh? Thank you.
I love that picture of Barack bumping Michelle. Because you can totally tell that Barack can’t high-five worth shit and Michelle coached him through this fist-bump change-up last night at the hotel. She has a look like, “Just like we practiced, honey, you can do it!” and he looks like he’s trying to man up for a prostate exam.
“This’ll be over soon.”
Exactly! They probably had a high-five coach on the campaign trail, and Michelle had to take over when the coach gave up and quit. “Let’s make this easy, shall we? Meet your new best friend: the fist bump.”
Can I join this club if I can’t dance? No good at high-fives OR dancing (though I’m getting better at not letting my dorkiness stop me – I can very enthusiastically turn in the wrong direction and lead with the wrong foot)…and yes, I was nodding along at the whole accusatory look at the ground thing. Victoria – I’m going to try that line (and next time you use it, imagine me laughing…’cause I thought it was funnier than hell)
Yes indeed, you’re in. Welcome to the club. The dancing aptitude is just a bizarre accident, and should get me kicked out of the club, if anything.
I love this. So funny. So true to life (my life anyway).
I love knowing I’m not alone. If there are enough of us, we can all write our congressmen to abolish high-fiving and allow only air-fiving.
Ahh…a fellow toe-catcher.
Not sure which Cary Grant movie it was, but there was a scene where he tripped on one of those step-ups in the middle of a room and he said, “Have that removed!”
Which I think is hilarious and perfect.
I’ve used that line multiple times when I’ve tripped in public. Sadly, nobody has ever laughed. Not once. Their blank stare and silence make it even more embarrassing, but at this point, I’m not sure I can stop saying it.
Oh – and my favorite high five is the air high five. Then you can’t miss!
There’s no way to save face. You’d think humor would do it. No. Saying, “I’m fine, I’m fine” just makes it worse. Best to develop a split personality and believe it happened to someone else.
I love all of this but my absolute favourite laughing-aloud-in-an-empty-room part is the description of glaring at the ground and ahking your head when you trip.
I totally do that.
You didn;t mention the flaily “OMG AM FALLING NOOOO” hands, though. For me, that’s always the most embarassing part.
Luckily, I don’t usually fall. I catch my toe on something and do the stumble-jog for four or so steps, which make a racket. So even if you didn’t see it happen, you’ll turn around to see wtf that was. Then, there’s also the roll-over-on-my-ankle trick, which looks equally stupid. And causes me to yell “DAMMIT!” tourretically – again, just in case you didn’t see it happen.
YES.
I can’t even dance to make up for it.
*sad saxophone*
Can I just say that I make up words all the time but I have never made up a word as awesome as Tourretically. Just awesome.
Maybe you should make a T-shirt that says, “I can’t walk without tripping, but MAN you should see me dance.”
You’re right about high-five shame. My mom can’t do it either. She can find my hand with her hand, but she doesn’t seem to have any play in her wrists – she braces herself, slaps my hand and then her whole body recoils with the impact. It’s just awful.
Your mom should hold her wrist with the other hand while she high fives. That will look way cool.
If you need a high five instructional manual, look no further…
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/how-to-perfect-the-high-five/article1530724/
This link came courtesy of our friends at National High Five Day — April 15. They’ve even got a funny music video.
http://www.nationalhighfiveday.com/
Wow! It really is about the elbow. How long has everyone known this, and why am I the last to find out?
Oh, the shame! I’m pretty lame at high-fives too. Fist bumps are way better.
Thank you for sharing my shame.
You’re focusing on the hand when you should be focusing on the other person’s elbow. If the elbows are aligned, you’re good to go.
-If I was a DJ, I would be DJ High 5-
So sad, I am genuinely excited to try this high-fiving tip! Elbows, huh? Thank you.