It’s sucky enough when summer ends. But here’s what’s suckier…
When the one really hateful thing about summer (besides sweat and showing my feet) sticks around:
Mosquitoes.
I mean, WTF?
Why, when it’s 50 degrees out, are there mosquitoes in our apartment?
Maybe they’ve decided to hibernate indoors this year, and that’s precisely why they’re in our apartment.
The mosquitoes, whom we call “the dickheads,” live in my closet by day. Whenever I open the closet door, one flies out from between my sweaters. Talk about intrusive. Do you like it when someone peeks in your closet? If not, you’d really hate it if they moved in.
Why do they like it in there? Three possibilities come to mind:
- Moths tipped them off that wool is a delicious.
- There’s a swamp in the back of the closet.
- There’s a magic door to a swamp. It’s Narnia for mosquitoes.
There’s more than one dickhead.
I know this because sometimes I find one or two dead in our bed. And also, they wreak way too much havoc to be one guy working alone.
I’d like to know which one is in charge of scheduling. The dickheads wake me and Steven up at exactly 4:45 am every morning.
They’re consistent, I’ll give them that.
They’re never leaving.
I keep thinking, hmm – haven’t seen them all day. Maybe they’re gone. Maybe tonight’s the night I don’t have to wear bitter-smelling repellant and/or oily Skin So Soft, which has its own strong odor. (Steven calls it “Stinks So Much.”)
But no, I go into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and there’s one flying around, just starting his night of partying.
I’m not good at catching these guys, but I’m determined.
I’ll spend like 10 minutes clapping at the air, making a huge racket trying to squash one. It’s especially humiliating with no clothes on, clapping my hands above my head like a naked Flamenco dancer. Or, if I’m on the toilet, a sitting Flamenco dancer. The laziest kind.
I’m most terrified I’ll get bitten on the eye.
This used to happen at least once a summer at camp, causing the lid to swell shut for three days and earning me the nickname “Puffy Eye.”
But I also dread the 4:45 am wakeup. Just anticipating it keeps me from falling asleep. And so does the paranoia that they’re already on me, lining up for the Early Bird buffet.
Now, I’m scared of my own hair.
My hair keeps tickling my face and making me think it’s the dickheads. Last night at 3 am, after lying restless and swatting at my own bangs for about 2 hours without a wink of sleep, I put on a bandana to keep my hair back.
Once I did that, the tickling continued. So I hadn’t been paranoid for no reason. It was my hair AND the dickheads — working in tandem to drive me crazy.
I finally fell asleep, and woke up with three bites on my cheek.
No, they’re not bedbugs.
A friend asked me about this today, because I’ve been posting about the dickheads on facebook. From now on, I’ll make sure to mention “flying” or “buzzing” whenever I refer to them. I don’t want people afraid to hug me. The fact that they’re not bedbugs is the one thing I like about them.
But I still hate them.
Today I’m getting one of those plugin things. The chemicals probably cause long-term brain damage, but so does lack of sleep.
If that doesn’t work, we’re moving to Canada. Apparently, that’s where you go when you hate something here.
Of course, the dickheads will probably track us down. If they can live in the cold, who’s to say they can’t use the internet?
Have you installed mosquito netting around your bed in a fashion that resembles an Arabian divan out of Ali Baba's harem (as referenced in the I Dream of Jeannie episode “Jeannie and the Mad Homewrecker”) so that when Dr. Bellows enters your bedroom he would be apt to say: “Mosquito netting? Malaria prevention?”
Have you installed mosquito netting around your bed in a fashion that resembles an Arabian divan out of Ali Baba’s harem (as referenced in the I Dream of Jeannie episode “Jeannie and the Mad Homewrecker”) so that when Dr. Bellows enters your bedroom he would be apt to say: “Mosquito netting? Malaria prevention?”
“The fact that they're not bedbugs is one thing I like about them.”
This is why I like to suround my self with smart women. You always can find the positive in any given situation. Left by myself I could never find the positive aspects of a given situation. The fact of the matter is that there is a bit of bad in the best of us and a bit of good in the worst of us and that includes the dickheads.
That said we really need to get to the bottom of this disturbing phenomenon. The Nardia theory just doesn't fly. My closet just isn't that big or deep and I am still killing these blasted fuckers!?!?
“The fact that they’re not bedbugs is one thing I like about them.”
This is why I like to suround my self with smart women. You always can find the positive in any given situation. Left by myself I could never find the positive aspects of a given situation. The fact of the matter is that there is a bit of bad in the best of us and a bit of good in the worst of us and that includes the dickheads.
That said we really need to get to the bottom of this disturbing phenomenon. The Nardia theory just doesn’t fly. My closet just isn’t that big or deep and I am still killing these blasted fuckers!?!?
What’s hateful about showing your feet? Do you not like going barefoot or do you just think you have funny looking feet?
Let’s just say I’m not America’s Next Top Foot Model.
I think I recall seeing one rather morose mosquito hanging around my flat East San Francisco Bay. But it was years go. And I really can’t recall.
A lot of people don’t even have screens here. It’s pretty sweet. No bugs.
Wow, really? If I were a bug, SF is exactly where I’d go. No one there will kill anything with a face.
Yes! I don't know about moving to Canada, but I can tell you that moving to Japan won't help. Same exact situation here, right down to the tricky hair fake-out and the eyelid fear. Ours get especially dickish in the winter. We committed to the same life-shortening trade-off a while ago, using a battery-operated toxin disperser. Do you have them there? The little machine is called a Vape. It seems to work pretty well. It's a toss-up whether it's worse for us or the environment. As long as it's bad for the dickheads…
What's up with these winter-loving mutants? I'm baffled.
I'm totally getting one of those Vapes. It's either shorten my life, or take my life as these guys are pushing me to do. I swear, one of them was whispering in my ear last night, “Kill yourself! Do it! Do it!!!” Bring on the toxins. And screw the environment – it's already too late to save it, if mosquitoes are hanging out in November.
What's hateful about showing your feet? Do you not like going barefoot or do you just think you have funny looking feet?
Let's just say I'm not America's Next Top Foot Model.
We have a similar thing going on with flies. They don't bite though.However they eat shit & its November. I just don't like them here.
Yeah, I wouldn't like the idea of anything with shit breath flying around my house, either. Really good thing those don't bite.
“Shit breath”. What a vivid description. This is why you are the copywriter & I am the penniless flycatcher.
I thought you disabled the comments ?
I re-abled them. Everyone wanted them back, and not having them didn't really do anything for me.
I think I recall seeing one rather morose mosquito hanging around my flat East San Francisco Bay. But it was years go. And I really can't recall.
A lot of people don't even have screens here. It's pretty sweet. No bugs.
Wow, really? If I were a bug, SF is exactly where I'd go. No one there will kill anything with a face.
You could turn it into a positive and be one of those people who says “oh, mosquitos LOVE me” (like they’re bragging or something). Or, “my skin must be so juicy and sweet. I keep attracting all these mosquitos. They just eat me all day long.”
That last part sounds like a certain friend of yours, but she was talking about a Spanish guy, not a mosquito.
First of all, forget about Canada. The bugs are way worse there than they are in Manhattan. The annoyance factor is off the charts, eh?
Secondly, natural remedies win here. Forget the poison crappy repellents that don’t work and give you a mutant second skull, and get yourself some catnip spray (you may be able to find this at a natural foods store or on the web). Proven ten times more effective than deet, no lie. And totally non-toxic (unless you’re a cat in a 12 step program).
And lastly, you may want to reconsider calling them dickheads, because only the girls bite. For once in the history of gender, the boys are innocent!
OK, I’ll look into it. But does catnip smell like cat? Because that would be worse than any repellent.
No, the catnip smells better than a lot of cats. It’s actually mild and pleasantly aromatic. At least it smells ok to me….
Here’s a link to a brief article about catnip:
http://www.mindfully.org/Health/Catnip-Bug-Repellent.htm
Yes! I don’t know about moving to Canada, but I can tell you that moving to Japan won’t help. Same exact situation here, right down to the tricky hair fake-out and the eyelid fear. Ours get especially dickish in the winter. We committed to the same life-shortening trade-off a while ago, using a battery-operated toxin disperser. Do you have them there? The little machine is called a Vape. It seems to work pretty well. It’s a toss-up whether it’s worse for us or the environment. As long as it’s bad for the dickheads…
What’s up with these winter-loving mutants? I’m baffled.
I’m totally getting one of those Vapes. It’s either shorten my life, or take my life as these guys are pushing me to do. I swear, one of them was whispering in my ear last night, “Kill yourself! Do it! Do it!!!” Bring on the toxins. And screw the environment – it’s already too late to save it, if mosquitoes are hanging out in November.
We have a similar thing going on with flies. They don’t bite though.However they eat shit & its November. I just don’t like them here.
Yeah, I wouldn’t like the idea of anything with shit breath flying around my house, either. Really good thing those don’t bite.
“Shit breath”. What a vivid description. This is why you are the copywriter & I am the penniless flycatcher.
I thought you disabled the comments ?
I re-abled them. Everyone wanted them back, and not having them didn’t really do anything for me.