“If it’s not a ‘hell yes’, it’s a ‘hell no!'”
If you haven’t heard that expression, then you probably aren’t in contact with any coaches-slash-“lifestyle design” experts, or anyone who’s being coached and parrots everything they hear. And you probably don’t read any of the self-helpy or businessy blogs that I can’t help browsing every morning.
Everyone gives this same advice about how to decide whether to commit to something — be it taking on a client, or making a coffee date: If your whole being doesn’t immediately light up at the prospect, then you must say no.
I think that’s so off base.
If it were true, I’d say no to just about everything.
My friend Marie, whose advice I generally find to be spot-on, puts it this way: does the idea make you feel expanded [“hell yes”], or contracted [“hell no”]?
For me, if it sounds challenging or risky, then the answer is “contracted.” Being lazy and chicken, I have objections to just about every invitation or task.
Which means, “would you like to watch Real Housewives all by yourself while eating ice cream tonight,” is just about the only thing that makes me say “Hell, yes!”
As for the rest, I say yes because I know that afterward, or maybe even during, I’ll be glad I did. But less than a “Hell, yes!” it’s mostly some version of “Hell, I guess so.”
We need you to write a promo that makes people want to watch the worst show ever made. It’s a David Schwimmer comeback vehicle where he plays a crime-solving horse with a human head. Are you in?
Yikes, that sounds hard. How do you make that look watchable? What if I can’t think of a single idea? What if I do have an idea and it turns into the worst promo ever made? But I want the money and maybe I’ll come up with something miraculously good. So, hell, OK.
Do you and Steven want to come to our country house for the weekend?
Didn’t you once say your country house has only one bathroom? I hate sharing one bathroom with another couple. I have lots to do in there! I can’t take my time if I hear someone’s feet shuffling impatiently on the other side of the door. But on the other hand, a weekend with friends would be fun, and get us out of our “read the paper, futz around on the computer, go get flowers, watch some TV and then maybe go to dinner” routine. Always good to get out of your routine, right? Hell, sure, we’d love to. I think.
Want to get up in front of 500 people and teach copywriting?
I don’t know, what if I suck? What if I can’t think of anything to teach them that they don’t know? It’s going to be videotaped, right? What if I’m feeling fat that day? But it would be a good experience. So, hell, all right, I’ll do it.
We have extra theater tickets for one month from now. Want to join us?
Theater?! What if it’s bad? Nothing scares me more than the prospect of sitting through a bad play. Except, maybe, that fungal disease that turns you into a human tree. That would be worse than bad theater. But even if it’s a good play, how do I know I’m going to feel like going a month from now? It might be raining out. Then again, I like the people who offered the invitation, and going to see a play makes me more interesting, from what I’ve read. So, hell, why not.
SIDE NOTE: A friend of ours once invited me and Steven to a play that definitely didn’t sound at all good. You could tell it was going to be a stinker. The friend said, “Come on, who would turn down free theater tickets?” To me, that’s like asking, “who would turn down a free haircut?” Hey, miss, would you like our first-year styling students to take their untrained scissors to your head, at no cost?
Now there’s a “hell to the motherfucking no”.
What about you? Do you only say “yes” when it’s a “hell, yes”?
Tell me in the comments.
God, I love your delivery.
Know what I’d like to do about the yes/no conundrum? I’d like to spend one year with a silver dollar in my pocket. Any time I’m faced with a yes/no or either/or question, I’ll flip that motherfucker.
Heads means yes, tails means no.
Hells yeah, I could do that. What do you think?
I just literally said ” Um o.k, I think I’ll do it” to a festival/market. It’ll cost me money to do, I might not make any money, but it’s for charity. I felt like an ornery old lady if I declined the offer.
I spend a lot of time shoulding all over myself.
I was just telling my husband that I never just give an enthusiastic “yes” about anything social anymore. I constantly over-analyze with total self-absorption what’s involved and how much work or incovenience it’ll be for me me me.
-How much traffic there’ll be, how much I might have to clean my house when I don’t want to, what will I wear, what if “so and so” orders 4 drinks to our one and happily pitches in the same amount as everyone else, what if “so and so” is there and I have to avoid her avoiding me, what if it’s boring and I miss an episode of Walking Dead for nothing…… and why is ‘absorption’ spelled with a P and ‘absorb’ with a B? I mean really. It jacked up my whole flow here. Squirrel!
So, thank you, LB, for writing about exactly what I’ve been thinking (as usual and in your classic hilarious-ness) and helping me feel less ‘loser’ about it. Hell yes! to a daily dose of LB being good for the soul. Thank you for your Instagram posts. LOVE them!
gotta comment on this as i sooooo relate. i believe that beyond this feeling of “hell yes!” there also exists these sort of energy vortexes. i know…i hope i don’t lose you. meaning 5 years ago, for me to say even “hell, ok” to something that is like nothing to me today would be out of the ordinary and a “hell no.” i believe we have to say “what the hell!” first…when it does feel like a “hell no,” if saying “what the hell” will expand the energy vortex and then make that thing more “normal.” i am recently realizing how much i still love behaviorism (studied it in college but am also deeply spiritual, so let go of a lot of the behaviorism theory for a while). but truth be told…change SUCKS! that’s how i prepare myself for any change. i say, “alison…this is going to flat out such for aprox 2 weeks. deal with it. then as my mind catches up to my body, i realize the change is improvement and i like the results.
i love your site. and your flippant remarks about coaching. and that you have paid top dollar to have a coach. i just “get” where your coming from.
cool!
I hear you. I mean, not sure about the vortex thing, but I get the moving threshold for “hell OK.”
My coach is worth every cent, and still I will continue to make fun of coaching. Or at least all those copy-coaches. They need to find their own words and quit borrowing from the very limited Universal Coaching Glossary.
Laughing loudly a usual, by myself.
My contribution?
How about all those credit cards we’re all offered that are FREE. But what about when I buy those new shoes, those aren’t FREE. But they PUSH cause it’s 10% off when you buy NOW. So my new motto to the pushy credit card people when asked “would I like to sign up?” will be,”hell no.” Also, the whole speaking engagement thing, you know I love the “will I feel fat that day.” Your humor matches mine so perfectly!
I’d like to thank you all for alerting me to the existence of a fungal disease that I was previously unaware of.
Loved this! I have been struggling with this whole “Hell, yeah” concept as of late. I think your take on decision-making is a bit more realistic for me to implement.
Hell, I guess I’ll comment.
Very refreshing post. I’ve so tired of all the ‘find your passion, work your bliss, be inspired!’ business blogs.
“Inspiration is for amateurs; pro’s just get to work.”
Thanks David. Right? “Cash in on your passion!” Thanks, Gary V.
I say yes to a lot of “Hell, maybe” and I think it gets me in trouble. For me, it’s difficult to turn down the opportunity to write for someone because it’s the career for me. Even when I have little spare time as I’m weaning myself off the corporate rat race, I say I’ll do this junk and then neither accomplish what I feel would be the best use of my time (writing for my purpose) or what I’ve agreed to (writing for another) with any real energy or appreciable quality, if at all.
I agree there are times when saying “yes” when we feel iffy is necessary, but I also think we’ve got to be conscious of the pros and cons — bad plays and one bathroom farmhouses, etc. Thanks for making me think!
I hear you. Sometimes my heart says “hell no” but my wallet says “the hell you won’t.” Gotta listen to the wallet less.
Awesome post! I couldn’t agree more. The whole time I was thinking, “At most I’ll say, Hell, why not?” so I’m glad you included that response too.
It’s so hard to know whether you’re going to like something new or find it rewarding, whereas safety just feels so damn good. Since I’ve been fairly open-minded about trying new things, and have liked and hated them in pretty equal measure, I can totally understand not being super enthusiastic about every new opportunity.
Thanks Beau! Glad to see you over here. Along with “find your passion,” the “hell yes…hell no” wisdom definitely has some holes in it.
Teach sister, teach. I hear you on that. Sometimes I feel it’s a hell no, then have to check in and feel expanded but scared. Or if it’s a social or biz thing I really tap in to feel if it’s worth my time and energy… And really what every you do is right.
I like that thought – whatever you do is right.
Yeah, a lot more opportunities are more “Hell, eh.” than “Hell, yeah!” I always wonder how people can be confident about what they’ll feel like doing a month in advance. I mean, who knows?
Also. I’m so happy that when I’m nodding along and going “Totally!” now, instead of thinking, man, I gotta meet this lady I can be like, dude, I totally met this lady!
And I’m so happy that when I see your avatar, I can say, “Dude, I know her” instead of “Dude, what’s she look like under those giant sunglasses with the nose piece?”
Spot on!
I was in Thailand there last year and I was roped into teaching English at a place I was supposed to be just helping out with computers. I’m an engineer. I like computer.
Teach English to kids that have only see 10 pale-ass foreigners in their whole lives? Dodge malaria bombs that bite you? Eat spicey “fish paste” for lunch (fish paste is the most gawd-awful “food” ever)? You have no teaching materials?
I had managed to avoid the teaching English role for years, and I was like, “round-the-world-snap” HEEEAALL NO! but with a hint of “hell maybe” because I wanted to help.
So I did it. And it was once of the most uber brilliant times of my life!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! I would be so utterly “hell no” at the thought of malaria and fish paste. But I’d do it (well, no, I wouldn’t, but something in that vein, maybe) knowing that I’d be so glad I’d done it.
I said this to you on Twitter earlier, but before I close the tab with your post, thought I’d write in here, too, because comments feel good! This is an awesome post and I’m so glad to hear there are other like-minded people out there who don’t leap at the chance to do harder, potentially awful work or spend a weekend with a couple you like (gosh, a whole weekend? Really? When would I read or think?). I know some of the “hell, maybe” is fear, but some of it is personality. And whatever: it’s okay.
Aha! You’re story_house! (I just went back and hunted for your tweet.) Thanks for commenting, too. Yep, just because you don’t leap at it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it at all. But it doesn’t mean you should. Me, I can handle hanging with a couple for a whole weekend if there’s more than one bathroom. If I need to think, I just zone out and pretend I’m listening to the conversation.
I’ve been writing and doing creative work since the Romans were in Britain, therefore it’s in my DNA (as a conquered Brit)/ education(Catholic school)/ fossilized career advice (from the 90’s) to always think “I should” and never swear… The hell no’s occur more frequently and come out as “sure, I’ll do it” and the “hell yeah’s” have been there enough to keep me going forward, although they’re less numerous but vastly more exciting and rewarding.
But sweetie darlings, life and work cannot be lived in a constant state of hyper-excitement, trumped up passion and machismo — as these coaches and young entrepreneur acolytes are always touting. We are not in the Marines! Too many HOO-rahs can seriously burn you out.
So I agree… there has to be room for a hell-maybe or a hell-I guess so. And much more room for watching Mad Men and eating ice cream as an alternative.
I’m so with you on the trumped-up passion. I started to write more about that, but realized it was good stuff for a future blog post. So…command x! Copied into evernote. Meanwhile, aren’t you glad your shoe collection from the ’90s isn’t fossilized? Mine was full of “shoe boots”.
i am always in the middle, seeing the pros/cons … but basically if it’s something i think will be a little bit of fun, social, or a learning experience… i do it. OR if it’s going to net me a giant amount of cash. oh and if it’s legal and i can still sleep 8 hours a night. you know, standard caveats.
That’s me. Especially for a giant amount of cash. Yes. I’ve been told, “don’t do anything just for the money,” but if I had more money than I could ever spend, would I work at all? Can’t say. So far, that hasn’t happened. I’d probably only say yes to 10% of the work I take on now. Again, lazy.
Ooh now that’s something that you don’t hear often.
I think Barbara Sher is awesome when it comes to this. She says nature wants us to be safe and that means being fat, not doing anything scary/out of comfort zone, and just hanging in there. (Like your example of TV + food.) I can definitely relate to that “let’s just hold back a little feeling”… and maybe hold off on all these opportunities/decisions.
Though being brutally decisive is probably better for my heart in the long run (less anxiety, right?)… Right? 😉
I don’t know Barabara Sher – will look her up. Whoever she is, she’s so right. I feel like I’m pushing against nature every time I leave the house in the winter. Nature works extra hard at keeping me lazy when it’s below 40 degrees out.
Brutally decisive sounds awesome. I’d love to be that. (I think.)
I think you’ll really like Barbara Sher. I actually just started reading my second book of hers yesterday (I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What it Was), and this excerpt from the second chapter seems to apply here:
“Most of the rewarding things in life-riding a bicycle, traveling in a foreign country, or making love- begin with incompetence and embarrassment. What will determine the course of your life more than any other one thing is whether or not you’re willing to tolerate necessary discomfort.”
I think “necessary discomfort” sounds very much like “hell, maybe.” 🙂
So funny, second time in two days seeing that name – and one of them was in your 3T thread!
That’s a perfect equation: necessary discomfort = hell maybe. Love it.
So funny, second time in two days seeing that name – and one of them was in your 3T thread!
That’s a perfect equation: necessary discomfort = hell maybe. Love it.
So funny, second time in two days seeing that name – and one of them was in your 3T thread!
That’s a perfect equation: necessary discomfort = hell maybe. Love it.
yikes! I get torn all the time. “Should I?” or “Shouldn’t I?” I lean more to the “if I feel any bit of excitement, then I’ll do it.” SOMETHING about it has to excite me for me to take on all the other stuff that may come with it that doesn’t excite me. Ya know??? And I have to make the decision before my head gets wrapped up in all of the what-ifs or it’s probably gonna be a hellz no!
I’ve always got the “I should” going in sync with the “I’d rather stay in front of the TV, where it’s fun.” Good for you for making quick decisions!
I was thinking maybe it could be Miami Vice style with (tailored) expensive (horse) suits — very stylish, very now. Or would it be set in New York? Hell Yes!
The flesh eating virus scares the hell out of me!
OK, well THAT is something people would watch. It’d be like Sex and the City (another show with a dressed-up horse person). They’d watch it for the fashion.
I think tree fungus is worse than flesh-eating virus. I’d rather have all my flesh be nibbled away than have it turn into bark.
I’m scare of that fungal disease too. That shit is nasty. (Now I’m totally going to get it.)
For me, it usually is Hell Yes or Hell No, but mostly because I’m never in neutral. That being said, I don’t like doing anything that requires a ton of work, so that usually automatically makes it a hell no.
Never neutral – I’ll buy that. But never torn? C’mon, hasn’t anyone ever said, “here’s a project that’s going to make your life miserable, but afterwards you’ll say it was the best thing you ever did”? Which is that, a hell yes or hellz no?
It’s gotta be pretty damn good for me to be miserable for any amount of time. But, since I can be bought – I’d have to say for the right amount of money, I’d do just about anything.
Since I’m not in a financial position to necessarily reply with Hell yes or Hell no to many projects, I admit that I have taken projects that my gut was screaming at me not to take just because I needed to pay the bills. I try not to look at them as mistakes, though because you can always learn something from every situation.