Halloween is almost here!
Does that excite me? No, it scares me. Here’s why:
The parade.
There’s extra adrenaline in the air on Halloween. People are buzzed on candy and sexual possibilities. People like that, in a crowd, are trampling and suffocation waiting to happen. My fear of getting crushed to death gets a spooky holiday twist, and becomes fear of getting crushed to death by an army of sexy nurses.
The candy.
“Getting fat” might be top of my list of fears. EDIT: I originally elaborated on this fear, but have revisited years later through the lens of 2022, and know that it’s a problematic phobia. I’m no less weight conscious than I used to be, but I don’t want to perpetuate diet culture talking about it as a funny neurosis, so that part is out!
The douchebags.
People yelling “whoooo!” outside the window all night. I don’t blame them; they’re at a banquet of willing, slutty nurses and mini Twix bars. But they keep me from sleeping, and I’m terrified of being tired the next day. I can’t be the only one. Isn’t that what freaks you out when you can’t get to sleep? It’s not that now, you have to get up and watch TV or troll facebook for someone else who’s up. It’s the knowledge that you’ll be wrecked and miserable all day. It’s not so bad if the next day is a Saturday or Sunday. But having to push through the tired and work when all you want is a nap is the worst.
Now that I’ve covered why Halloween scares me, I’ll honor the holiday with a positively SPOOKTACULAR list of my other fears.
My top fears:
Ghosts.
I don’t know why I’m so afraid of them. It’s not like they can kill you. If they could, we’d all be dead – because think how many ghosts out there are ghosts of serial killers. With their power to go anywhere without being seen, they wouldn’t even need a windowless van to get away with their murderous shenanigans. They’d be having a field day.
So why are ghosts scary? I don’t know. I feel like they’re spying on me. Especially in the bathroom. And, I’ve never experienced it, but I dread the icy chill people describe feeling when they walk through a ghost. I don’t like being cold.
Airplane crashes.
I know I’m not unique in this one. Every time I take off in a plane, I have to calm my fear of going down by repeating to myself, “Same chances as winning the lottery. Same chances as winning the lottery.” I could also say “Same chances as being struck by lightning,” but the lightning thing seems not so unlikely…
Lightning.
I remember many instances of playing around in a lake, ocean, or pool, hearing thunder, and paddling to safety in a splashy panic as my mother gestured frantically with her arms. She’d cup her hands around her mouth and yell words I couldn’t hear, but understood to be: “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!”
Pigeons.
I’m not scared of the birds themselves. I’m scared of their poop. I’m scared shitless. Ha! And you should be, too. Poop that drops from the sky??! That is something to fear, my friend. Did you ever see the birdshit scene in High Anxiety? It’s a parody of The Birds, but, to me, much scarier. Yes, I’d rather have my eyes plucked out than get pooped on.
When I’m walking and see a bunch of birdshit on the ground, I cover my head and run. There’s always more where that came from. If a bird poops on your head, I’m sorry: It is not good luck. It’s a mess in your hair.
Although: I learned in science class that bird poop is made of urea, which actually makes it solid pee. So, if a bird ever does poop in my hair, I will curl up in a ball and whisper to myself over and over, “It’s just urine. It’s just urine.” I think that will be comforting.
Failure.
You know that question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?” Um. Lots of things. People say failing never killed anyone. Really? What about when you fail at skydiving? But I’m more afraid of the kind of failure you have to live through. Failure sucks! It’s so embarrassing.
Having no ideas.
This correlates with the above fear, failure. I chose a line of work where you always have to have a new idea. It’s very scary, because sometimes you don’t. And then, you find yourself using a hack word like “spooktacular.” And saying, “I hate myself.”
Fire.
This is my absulute Number One. How are people not afraid of fire? Don’t you know how easy it is to catch on fire and burn to death? It amazes me that people will say, “oh, don’t kiss me if you have a cold” but they’re happy to get near a candle, which, unlike a stupid cold germ, can spread all over your body and kill you instantly. Not the candle itself. The flame. You know what I mean.
When I was watching Lost, I couldn’t get past all those supposedly normal castaways walking through the jungle with flaming torches. I wanted to yell at them, “YOU IDIOT! LOOK HOW CLOSE THAT FLAME IS TO YOUR HAIR!”
And how can children like playing with matches? How are they not scared shitless? Maybe they never saw what I saw, which was a 1st-grade classmate’s hair catching on fire from a cupcake on her own birthday, just as she was making a wish. I can still smell the burnt hair.
Sometimes I get a psychic feeling that burning to death is how I’m going to leave this world. And then I remember, with great relief, that I’m not at all psychic. Still, I don’t like to take chances. I really hope no friend of mine will ever catch on fire in front of me, because I can’t be that hero who tackles them to the ground and pats out the flames with my own arms. Just lettin’ you all know, in case you’re thinking of playing with matches around me. I’m outta there.
Your turn.
What are your biggest fears? Tell me in the comments. And if you’re afraid of commenting, remember: it’s good to face your fears.
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What about spontaneous combustion? It always seems to happen to people watching tv too. That and candles near wedding dresses –
Top 3 fears: (1) getting lost in space after I leave my spaceship to explore and my tether is broken so I have to float in some kind of orbit as I slowly starve to death (for the record, I know I am not an astronaut but this is seriously such a scary idea that it makes all things about space too scary to think about and even makes the Natural History Museum a dangerous place for me to visit depending on my mood and whether we have to watch one of the movies in the round about the big bang narrated by Whoopie Goldberg); (2) totally agree with Jessie that infinity is terrifying, somewhat related to #1 I suppose; and (3) getting pushed or falling into the subway — when I see people stand close to the edge to see if their train is coming I want to scream at them to stop. Oh yeah, I almost forgot one more — driving.
I can’t believe your astronaut fears are about floating and starving to death. They should be about having to poop in your astronaut suit. Isn’t that what they do? And does the poop trickle upward?
And you know what you should be scared of at the Museum of Natural History? Laser Genesis. I went to that on a first date, and should have known right then that he wasn’t for me. Instead, I went out with him for half a year. I’m sorry you never met my most boring boyfriend of all time.
We share the getting pushed on the tracks fear. I can’t believe I left that out. When I’m waiting for the train, I stand with my back against a pillar so no one can push me from behind.
My biggest fear might be that you overcome your fear of driving and leave me to be the only sadsack who won’t, and can’t, do it.
Laser Genesis sounds like a nightmare! While I have met some very inappropriate ex-boyfriends, I can’t say that any were boring. Posting on behalf of Levi whose fears are very specific — bears, volcanoes, and “rabies dogs”. In particular, he worries that we may go on vacation where there could be bears and/or volcanoes. Clearly we are not going camping any time soon. . .
One of my biggest irrational fears is that I will spontaneouly combust. I have looked into it- and pretty much ruled out the possibility (apparently you have to be an overweight alcoholic who smokes in bed- of which I am none of!). As a matter of fact I am probably more likely to be struck by lightning or to win the lottery. It STILL scares me though.
Really? Are fat alkie smokers more likely to implode? I didn’t know that. But that adds validity to my fear of weight gain. Thank you.
My cousin’s teenage son was hit by lightning when he was mountain climbing. I don’t know how he avoided falling off the mountain, but he was messed up for life, poor kid.
Also: my hair has caught on fire twice. And I’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake, a fear you neglected to mention. I trust you will now rectify your omission.
So yes, these things happen. Now, I obsessively watch “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” and thank God I have the intelligence to stay home where it’s safe.
Get out. On all those things. Seriously, you were bit by a rattlesnake? How and where did that happen? Did you have, like, 8 hours to find the antidote?
With hair that long, I guess it’s surprising that it only caught on fire twice.
Have you ever watched “I Should Be Bald”? Now that’s a show.
Now you know why I’ll believe pretty much anything anyone tells me. If this shit could happen to me and my family (and there’s more), who am I to doubt ANYTHING?
I’m writing the rattlesnake story now and will post it on my blueberry blog tomorrow. 🙂
Tee hee hee! I’m with you on a lot of these. I don’t know why that made me want to do the creepy, little laugh at the beginning though…
One of my biggest little fears used to be not being able to fall asleep and being TIRED the next day! And what’s funny is, it was never as bad as I imagined it to be!
I also have a fascination/reverence/fear of birds. When I was about 9 years old, my neighbor and I were staring at this retarded bird. I don’t mean that in a mean way – we really thought it was retarded! It was walking funny, and wasn’t taking off for dear life like most of the suburban birds do when you get close to them. But, get this: It suddenly flew strait up about 5 feet high, and flew in place. Then, it proceeded to chase me into my parent’s garage! Holy shit! I remember slamming the door behind me, escaping the wrath of the retarded-like bird by a hair of a second. Phew – Vowed NEVER to watch the horror movie “Birds” after that.
I think the bird was playing retarded just to lull you into a sense of safety, so it could surprise-attack you. Sucker. You fell for the ol’ “retard bird” scam. Oldest trick in the book.
Dang-it you’re right! I must have missed class the day we went over how to avoid the “retard bird” scam. What a shit pickle.
If you want me to have an anxiety attack on my birthday, bring balloons. I can’t abide being around anything that might suddenly pop. (No, this does not adversely affect my sex life.) Also, I can’t be in the same room with two pieces of Styrofoam that might come into contact with each other. That noise makes me want to catch myself on fire and jump out the window.
I hate balloons too! I’m afraid someone will hold me down and rub one on my head.
The sound I hate most is – god, I’m getting chills just writing this – the noise it makes when the waiter sweeps crumbs off a tablecloth. Ahhhh!
Laura,
Being hated, for a therapist, is an asset. When a client/patient expresses hate, it opens the door to libido & other flexibility.
As for dog poop, that is even worse than hems. I would fear it too.
Love,
Dad
My own fear about Halloween is that someone whose doorbell I ring during my trick-or-treat rounds will recognize me.
Love,
Dad
Dad, what do you do to encourage hate? That’s what I’d like to know. Do you taunt the patient? Eat a banana loudly while they’re talking?
I think for Halloween, you should go as the picture on your Eastern Airlines ID.
Laura, you asked a good question, i.e., in effect, how does one provoke a client/patient to anger. We don’t do that. Instead, we allow the anger to emerge. For example, I might ask what the person is feeling at the moment. That’s one of a multiplicity of interventions too extensive to describe here. The focus is on dissolving the obstacles to free expression (of any feelings), not to get the anger expressed per se.
Love,
Dad
Are you blocking out the afternoon in Florence when a pigeon pooped in my hair and you helped me comb it out with a toothbrush? Or did you actually not help me comb it out with a toothbrush and instead stood in horror, silently thanking God it was me and not you?
As for my own fears, I am most scared of infinity. Oh, and the face in the window. You know, the one that’s been watching you for a while, that you think is your own reflection until you look a little closer.
I was going to wait and not reply to one till I had time to reply to them all…but I had to jump on this one. I was actually going to include that story! But then I wanted to write about it being Sono Ted’s toothbrush, an inside joke I would’ve had to explain, and then I was like, eh, never mind. Why did we have his toothbrush? Neither of us slept with him. Yes, I was glad it was you and not me, though I felt like I should’ve taken the bullet since you were the one with curly hair.
Oh, and you just reminded me – I’m scared not just of my reflection, but of my own shadow. I’m one of those people! It freaks me out every night when I get up to go to the bathroom.
Fire – I guess the fear’s hereditary, or maybe I told you the story when you were too young to hear it of how my bedroom was on the fourth floor of our brownstone, and I was on crutches from a knee injury, and the fire engines came for a real fire, and we had to get out. And the only way I could say this was a run-on sentence, because it still scares me. But . . . one of my biggest former fears is of airports, because of the time we got separated in the San Juan airport. You were almost 3-1/2, and I was pregnant, and suddenly you were gone. We thought you might have been kidnapped. And then you turned up, sitting with the police who found you, and apparently happy. Every time I see kids running around in an airport I think of that incident.
A current fear: The bags of Halloween candy, bought in advance and tied in a double-knotted plastic bag, will open themselves and the contents will find its way into my mouth in the middle of the night. Or right now.
What about fireworks? Or subway grates? Don’t they rate on your list?
Oh yes, fireworks rate. Except I only have to be afraid of them once a year or so.
I forgot about your childhood fire scare.
But I’ll never forget your airport fear. I remember the San Juan incident. I remember you finding me, and I remember waiting for you in that police office. There was a hippy sitting in a chair, and I think he’d been detained. Probably for being a hippy. That’s when I started being scared of hippies, probably because I associate them with being lost.
Was I afraid of subway grates? I’m only scared of them because they’re slippery. I used to make Cinnamon poop over them, and then I’d push the poop through with the plastic bag. Easier than trying to scoop it up.
You were afraid of subway grates because the woosh of a passing train blew your skirt up, which is why you insisted on wearing pants under a skirt. A real fashion statement — especially the pink flowered skirt over plaid pants.
An addition to the airport bit: a few years later, you asked me why I had left you in the San Juan airport. I was devastated that you thought I had abandoned you.
Aw. Moms take things so personally. I was probably trying to make you feel guilty so you’d buy me a pinball machine.
The flowered skirt over plaid pants was very Williamsburg. Ahead of the curve.
Hey Laura….if I ever see you hovering in a pile of leaves in the park with bird shit in your hair, I just want you to know I’m going to run really fast in the other direction. J/K. I’d come help you, because I’m a big fan. Do big fans scare you? Don’ worry, I won’t sneak into your window at night and poop on your bed so you don’t ever accuse me of being a big fan. Just sayin’.
🙂 P.S. I still love your blog.
You will never see me hovering in a pile of leaves, period. Because that’s where the bird shit IS.
Fans don’t scare me except when they’re wearing one of those leather hoods with a zipper for the mouth.
No scary masks for me! Although I was thinking about being Rainbow Bright for Halloween. Should I magically turn all the pigeons of NYC into passenger pigeons and send them away on a rainbow of doom to someplace where they need more protein in their diet? I would do it only for you, Laura! 😉
Deathly afraid of elevators..the thought of being stuck on one scares me to death, especially a crowded one. Some people are afraid of those that are mostly glass, but I love those cause I could at least hope to catch someone’s attention if the stupid thing got stuck between floors, as I scream like a banchee…
And after watching that episode of LA Law when Roz walked into an elevator that wasn’t there, now I am not only afraid of elevators but scared to death of the thought that I will fall down the shaft if I am forced to take one…that episode didn’t help my phobia…so when you are about to get into an elevator make sure it is really there!
Roz Shea! I never stand with my back to an elevator door since that episode. But I like to think she fell down that shaft because she deserved it. What a bitch.
I actually wasn’t afraid of pigeon poop, or I didn’t think I was, until I read this article.
Thanks. 😉
I like that you regard it as an “article.” I think that to be an article, it has to have some facts in it – not just pure freakout.
Ha ha! I am SO with you on the ghosts, plane-crashes, and fire! I hate when I go to people’s houses and they have lit candles in low places like the coffee table while the dog is running around wagging his tail all over the place!
My other HUGE fear: dying in a car or bus crash. Whenever I’m in a car or bus trip that takes longer than 20 minutes, I always assume the driver is going to fall asleep at the wheel. Then I watch them in the rear view mirror watching to see if their eyes start to close. On my family trip to Italy, while the rest of the family was sleeping on our 5-hour treck, I never took my eyes off the bus driver. Sick.
Exactly! Candles in low places! Why don’t people recognize that as the deathtrap that it is? Also, how do people go to sleep next to a campfire? You have to have a death wish to do that.
You’re not wrong about the bus driver thing. But the real danger is any Chinatown-operated bus to Atlantic City. Them’s some sleepy mofos.
Dear Laura,
What am I afraid of?
Jeeez Louise, to many things to list here… but for now I will will tell you about 2 BIG FEARS.
1. FEAR #1: HALLOWEEN: Sure, as a kid I used to be scared shitless about going trick or treating, especially in the really spooky looking houses where the owners are doing their best to scare the crap out of poor little kids. My mom and aunt had to drag me into the streets crying against my will. They tried to lure me with the bait of candy, but “hey…mom and nina, nice try! You can have your candy. I will just go to wal-mart tomorrow and buy a huge bag all for myself!!” Now that I am an adult Halloween still freaks me out and I do my best to stay inside. It’s not fairy tale monsters like were-wolves, or vampires or ghosts that freak me out, it’s REAL monsters like psycho-paths, wackos and serial killers who view Halloween as the one day they can really let loose and blend into the crowd and do their dastardly deeds unnoticed. F*ck that. No thank you. I’m not going out there on Halloween. I won’t be handing out candy either. I will be in my lazyboy recliner, with all the lights shut off, cuddling up with some hot chocolate and reading my new novel on my ipad. But to the outside world it will look like I’m not home. Might my house get toilet papered by angry, resentful neighborhood kids? Possibly, possibly. But a small price to pay.
My second HUGE fear is approaching (and talking to) really hot babes. Unless of course it’s something NON-THREATENING like posting on their blog…
p.s. And as a copywriter I share that same HUGE FEAR of coming up blank on ideas…or the dreaded “WRITERS BLOCK!!” AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
p.p.s. Have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! 🙂
Here’s what I don’t get: why people put all that effort into coming up with a costume, and brave psychopaths, just for free candy. Don’t they realize how cheap candy is? You can buy your own big bag of mini snickers at the A&P for a couple of bucks.
BTW, hot babes are way approachable if you tell them you like their blogs.
Dear Laura,
I REALLY like your blog. 🙂
(Seriously. Your blog and writing and hilarious insights are pure brilliance. How can I say that? Because whenever I need to laugh or *smile*, your blog ALWAYS does the trick!)
Getting fat is a common fear — try gaining the weight slowly instead, say one pound per week — and you may find it easier going.
I liked the ghost field day idea (inspired!)– might I add: include a social mixer and some activity (like softball).
Me, for my part, I only fear fear itself (that’s what’s so scary!) That and being too successful.
How about a team-building workshop for the ghosts, as long as they’re having a field day? Trust falls would be hilarious, because they’d all fall right through and then never be able to trust again.
oh wait – I forgot squirrels. Creepy little rodents with bushy tails that make eerie chattering noises. How could Disney think they were cuties that frolicked with princesses? Ugh?
Growing up, I was always warned that all the squirrels in Riverside Park were rabid. Which made them extra scary.
Totally there with you on the no sleep thing, Laura. The worst.
I’m scared of driving on the highway, and literally think to myself the entire time, “I could kill myself at any moment if I make the wrong move!” I’ve tried thinking, “look at all the idiots out there who do this every day,” but that just makes me more scared! Heart palpitations and sweaty palms every freakin’ mile…
I’m also TERRIFIED of cats, which is weird since I’m a Leo…
Several of my neighbors let their cats roam the streets, and our property seems particularly appealing to these creatures. Maybe we have lots of mice and they’re doing me a favor? Thanks but no thanks. I constantly have little mini frightfests every time I pull up to my house and see a cat on my stoop…or my lawn…or in my driveway…or my bushes…Yesterday, I went out to the car to pick the kids up from school and there was a black cat asleep ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR! I’m amazed I lived to tell the tale.
Allie, age 12, has an irrational fear of fire (or maybe it’s not so irrational after all!) I’ll never have to worry about her playing with matches, because when I turn the burner on to boil water she shrieks, “MOM, TURN IT DOWN!!!!!”
Happy Halloween, and btw, I didn’t cringe when I read “spooktacular” : ) Just figured if Belgray used it, it’s cool!
I’m flattered you think so highly of me that you would actually think “spooktacular” could be cool.
As for Allie, you tell her I’ll back her up on that. What about people in the movies who light their cigarettes by sticking them (via mouth) in the burner? Crazy! How can there be laws against guns yet no laws against stoves?
I think people with cats are scarier than the cats themselves.
Spiders. OhMyGoodness I detest spiders! I mean, as if 6 legs on an insect isn’t unnatural enough let’s put 8 on this one? Really? And all those eyes…YUK! Chills just thinking of it.
Spider bites are worse than anything. They swell up like motherfuckers. And, spiders lay their eggs in Bubble Yum.
I know that it is irrational. I know that they can’t hurt me. I know that they are more scared of me than I am of them. But still, the paralyzing fear of cockroaches. Just the term roaches sends chills up my body. YUCK. They are so disgusting. Shiny black bugs running around with no apparent intelligence or destination. They don’t know that they can’t walk on ceilings so they fall off. They are SO GROSS. And, in Texas they FLY. Yes, flying, ugly, yucky cockroaches.
It’s not irrational at all! They carry diseases. Especially in their poop. The worst are waterbugs: cockroaches as big as small rats. We get a lot of those on the street here. You know the scariest thing about them? Thinking about how ancient they are. Same with turtles and elephants. I don’t like anything prehistoric-looking.
I can’t think of anything I am afraid of because I didn’t sleep last night and I am too busy being miserable. 🙂
And now, it’s 1 am and I’m afraid of being you tomorrow.
Two words: chocolate & coffee — good luck.
One of my big fears is being told that I dance like a penguin or an Ewok on Dancing With The Stars.
What about farting on Dancing With The Stars? I think that would be worse. Be afraid of being Nancy Grace.
10 inch long centipedes. I hate those f*ckers. I can deal with snakes, lizards, scorpions, whatever. But one of those giant venomous centipedes? Ugh, they literally make me break out in the heebie-jeebies (and I can’t tell you exactly what the heebie-jeebies are, but it’s like porn, I know it when I feel it). A real visceral cringe-worthy reaction. You are talking about a guy who will find a spider in the house and gently catch it and put it outside, but centipedes – nuh uh, just kill them please and get them away from me!
You know what’s scarier than a centipede? A human centipede. Especially if you’re a segment of it.
Going to totally out myself on a related plane fear…I torture myself so much on this one … it ain’t even funny….
I have a ritual I do every single time and I’m convinced it keeps the plane I’m in – in the air. I bless the plane as I’m walking in – touch the outside of the doorway just as I enter. THEN…I do the whole unselfish tiny prayer that I hope everyone on the plane stays safe, and their families, and on and on and on…I seriously work that “prayer”. But I think I like your lottery mantra. Seems easier and like it might help.
Travelling away from my daughter is especially tough. Every bit of turbulence makes me chastise myself, “oh was this trip worth it, Anne? I mean really!”
That’s exactly what I do when I fly without my husband! I say, “I can’t make him a widower. This is the last trip, no more.” Meanwhile, he makes geese sounds (to harken back to the Captain Sully incident) every time we take off in a plane together. Cruel.
Have you ever been told by a well meaning person that your greatest fear is the fear of success? What would be your response to such a claim?
My response would be: “I must be afraid of success if I’m giving money to someone who’s basically a failure coach.”
I don’t know if you meant to suggest that your fears were irrational, but you should know that your fear of pigeon poop is entirely rational. Pigeon poop may contain histoplasmosis, a horrible disease of the respiratory system that can be fatal. Bob Dylan almost died of histoplasmosis, as did Matthew Barney, after living with hundreds of uncaged pigeons in his artist loft for arts sake. Not sure how Dylan got it, but despite being a legend, he’s also an old man, and I don’t put it past him to be one of those old man park pigeon feeders.
Just saying. It may be urine, but it might as well be poop. If you need to sleep, you might try one of Steven’s George Winston, Tesh, or Yanni records (although Yanni can be kind of rousing). He told me he’s a fan.
How can you live with a house full of pigeons and not know you’re going to die from it? Is that the same disease AIDS patients get from cats? Pigeon and cats deserve each other. They should all live together and die from each others’ feces. Thank you for validating my fear, I knew I could count on you.
Steven now blasts Syrian music at night. Talk about rousing!