If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the last week…
Well, there was a little thing called Sandy. An event during which I thought it would be a tad insensitive, or “tone deaf” to write my silly blog posts. (Yikes, it probably still is.)
And if you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in the last few months, there was a little thing called “being lazy.” An event during which I thought it would be insensitive to my own laziness to write my silly blog posts.
Anyway, just to bring you up to speed on the past eon, my husband and I:
– Obsessively looked for an apartment to buy.
– Found one, and bought it in July. It’s on the same block as our old apartment. Our address has changed by 2 digits, which means we can still use our stationery by inelegantly scratching out “49” and writing in “37” on the envelopes.
– Put our old apartment on the market in June, and found a buyer who didn’t mind the half-assed grout job.
– Sold it in September and stayed on for a month — as long as our buyer could give us — because our new apartment wasn’t renovated yet.
– Moved out in October, a job that would have been a matter of simply carting stuff down the block if our new apartment had been renovated yet.
– Are still in the process of planning the renovation, a job that would be complete around now if we’d been smart.
– Are therefore living with my parents on the Upper West Side, waiting out our renovation for what we arbitrarily insist will be 8 weeks but every know-it-all who’s ever renovated warns us will be 10 years. Clam it, people. It’ll be 8 weeks.
– Are way happier about living with my parents on the Upper West Side than we ever thought we’d be, because their power and water were totally unaffected by the hurricane. Also, they’re nice and there’s always lox in the fridge. It’s like a bottomless Zabars gift basket up in this bitch.
– Are living in my childhood bedroom, which is weird but could be much weirder. For instance, it could still look like it did in 1981 (see pic below), when it had a loft outfitted with “ay, ay, captain” portholes and a swinging-door-enclosed area that my slutty friend Beth said was “a great makeout room.” She was right on the money — if by “makeout room,” she meant “place to read Judy Blume books by flashlight.”
Where the loft was, there’s now a queen-sized bed. Our first week here, Steven and I were lying on it, hanging out, when my dad poked his head through the bedroom door and said, “Helloooo, bedside companions.” He later referred to the moment as “a romantic tete a tete.” So, I change my mind: it couldn’t be much weirder.
I think that’s about it.
So I’ll now wind up this blog post with the usual provocative questions:
What’s up with you? Where’s good to eat on the Upper West Side? And don’t you agree that our renovation will take 8 weeks?
Tell me in the comments.
And stay tuned for the next post, in which I review my button collection from the 1980s. It’s still in my old closet in a dusty Bennetton bag.
Also, if you think I’m naming names by calling out my “slutty friend Beth,” I’ll have you know that I had several friends named Beth, and they were all slutty even by today’s standards. So good luck narrowing it down to one Beth.
Also also, if you’re one of those people, like me, whose problems could be a lot worse, help someone who’s been handed a true shit sandwich courtesy of Hurricane Sandy by clicking here. They’ve posted the most needed items as a wedding registry on Amazon. If you still owe me or someone else a wedding gift, buy something for these people instead. If I still owe you a wedding gift, let me know and I’ll be embarrassed into making another donation.
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laughing out loud in public. thanks, Laura! Glad I left this in my inbox to “read when I had time to fully enjoy it” – I can’t BELIEVE that photo of your bedroom! LOVE. IT. I hope you have many more tete a tetes that are weirdly interrupted by lox gobbling dad. If any of the people working on your renovation need some coaching around goal setting and procrastination, send em my way!
I’m so honored that you actually got back to this in your inbox. Once something goes a day in my inbox, it’s like the little bit of chicken salad that gets pushed to the back of the fridge. If I ever rediscover it, it’s too late.
Said lox gobbling dad is really much more given to slurping soup. But I promise there will be more weirdness.
I so hope our contractor is a “massive action taker” and “implementer.” But if he isn’t, I’m sending him your way.
Ha Laura this is great!
1) You’re in the upper West “lah di dah” land as the Brits say !
Try Bemelman’s bar for cocktails and to hang out with real live plastic barbie women, it’s at the Carlysle Hotel , 35 East 76th Street which is not Upper West but is as close as I got to the west side and to meeting Barbie whilst in NY for Marie Forleo’s event!
2) Good luck with the parents, we recently lived with my Italian in-laws whilst awaiting our dream beach home to become avail and it was dread!
Enjoyed this post,
ps dread means dreadful in teenage London slang you can use it if you like!
Grace
Hi Grace,
1) The Upper West is not lah-di-dah land. It’s oy-vey land. For lah-di-dah, you have to go to the East Side.
2) Dream beach home sounds worth dread living situation! Thanks for the teen brit vocab.
Laura, I thought I had omitted all my Freudianisms in my
talking with you. You must have detected it subliminally.
…and you thought I didn’t witness your Beth-slutty friends
making out under the loft, hah!
Freud was asked how he managed to persist with his findings and astounding concepts, in the face of widespread criticism.
Sigmund: My mother loved me. Well I love you (and Mom) and
hope you continue spreading your funny words. Love, Dad
Dad, you can never keep your Freud in check. I love you back, and so did your mother, even though she made you wear a winter coat in May.
Remember: hems are dangerous.
I have too many comments to comment.
But I will say that my slutty friends did make use of the lofts the way Beth intended.
Your slutty friends surpassed Beth’s sluttiest dreams. And I got to witness it! #scarredforlife
You crazy Belgrey!
At least you can move out whenever you want – and you have the coolest parents ever! Mine just moved in and not telling when they are moving out….
Not to forget – In a room like that you gotta get inspired!
You totally rocked at RHHlive – I wish I had you on tape! and
so you are safe from the storm! Biz, Gry
Thanks, Gry! That tape exists somewhere. It’ll probably be part of our product when we release it.
Parents moving in with you? Damn, you’re a better human than I’ll ever be. Can’t you life-coach them into a move-out date?
You think you can make up dialogue more Freudian than what really comes out of my dad’s mouth? Nice try. Your captain ahab vignette is like a dream he would have and tell us about.
Laura: …but Dad, you have to realize that I’m not that little girl anymore.
Dad: I guess we both have some adjusting to do, if we’re going to make this work.
Hunky renovation man: Um, sorry to bother you Laura, but a water pipe just broke in your new kitchen.
Laura: Looks like I have to swab the decks after all.
Dad: Ayay Cap’n. Ahahaha.
OH . . .we could probably make it weirder, even without trying. It says something about my friends’ relationships with their children that they think it would be difficult for us to have you here, and start to offer sympathy until I tell them we’re loving it and enjoying your company. You even make us coffee, shop for us, and don’t complain about some of our strange habits. Next week we’re rebuilding the loft and bringing back the Marimekko snake. I want to see you peek through the port holes again, but I think I’ll live that part in my memory.
I’m sure you could, Mom. Please note, that was not a dare.
Haven’t your friends met us? Don’t they know how delightful we are? Most people would pay to have us eat their lox.
Where is that snake? I guess last we saw it, it was shedding its foam-cushion stuffing.
Obvi brunch at Good Enough to Eat or Fred’s, dosas from Hampton Chutney (go late or get take out because there’s way too many kids there during normal business hours), Luke’s Lobster, Cafe Luxembourg or Citrus if you’re in the mood for a sodium bomb
Thanks for the suggestions! I’m always in the mood for a sodium bomb. I salt my salt. And I’ve been wanting to try Luke’s.
But brunch at either of those places? I’m not woman enough to brave lines full of strollers and dudes with backward baseball caps.
if by “makeout room,” she meant “place to read Judy Blume books by flashlight.”
Love this, really…
When I was little my room was plastered with psychedelic flowered wallpaper which I would stare at for hours finding all manner of ogres, naked ladies and lions.
When I was in grade four my mom let me redecorate my room. I chose pastel rainbow wallpaper, a blue blind with clouds and stuffed balloons to hang from the ceiling (I got them at a store called Fancy That!). She said “you’re going to have to live with this for a long time, are you sure about the rainbows?”
I said “I’ll love rainbows forever!”.
There weren’t many visions of Jesus and mother Mary to be found in a thousand identical rainbows, but I do still love them, at least the ones in the sky.
I don’t even know why contractors say a number of weeks, they should just say “whenever the fuck we feel like it”. But sure, 8 weeks, sounds reasonable…
Thank you for agreeing with me about 8 weeks. And I would have backed you up on loving rainbows forever. I love puffy satin unicorn mobiles with silk-thread manes forever, just out of principle. We bought ours at a store called “p.s. I Love You.”
Wow, I didn’t realize you grew up on the set of a Nickelodeon show.
It was called “Laura’s Enlightenments.”
Oh wow so crazy that you’re moving right next door, but weren’t there for Sandy. Somehow things happen like that when they need to.
Love the old room photo, and I can’t imagine what it’s like to be back in your childhood room. Looking forward to the buttons collection. 😉
I know, we thought it was so ironic that we were moving right next door and yet all our stuff was going to a storage facility in the Bronx and we were going to the Upper West Side. Looks like that worked out well!
Thanks, Nath.
NICE! Your room looks like it should have been in a design mag circa 1980! Glad to hear you are safe and warm, and that all these changes haven’t stunted your spark 🙂 See you soon!
I know, could it be more 1980?
Very grateful to be safe and warm. Though I’d be more grateful if it were 60 degrees. What happened?
That room is sick! Your parents are the coolest. My only creative allowance was to paint my room purple (it was the seventies). I am looking forward to a “Where’s the Beef?” button from your collection. xoxoxo
Dawn, you should see my sister’s room! It was in a book, with the two of us playing in it (and my sister’s boy briefs showing.)
Oh, how I wish I had that button. Dammit.