I’m not normally paranoid.
I don’t think everyone’s talking about me. I don’t think everyone’s out to get me, or to steal my identity — even though it turns out they actually are.
But, in specific areas of my life, I do think someone’s watching me.
There are two occasions where I’m certain I’m being filmed:
1) Using chopsticks
2) Peeing in a public bathroom.
The chopsticks footage worries me less, because I’m not famous. There’s no market value in a video titled:
“Laura Belgray’s Piece Of Yellowtail Sashimi Slips Five Times As Her Chopsticks Fail To Come Together And Keep Missing Each Other Like Opposing Magnets, Then Falls Into The Overflowing Soy Sauce Dish, But Ultimately Makes Its Way To Her Mouth When She Gives Up And Impales It On The Sharp End Like A Shish Kebob.”
It won’t make it to TMZ. Worst that could happen is it ends up in a barely-viewed youtube compilation called “Chopstick ‘Tards LOL.”
It’s the one of me peeing that freaks me out.
I know this recording is out there, and it’s just for some poor pervert’s private use and that should be his problem, not mine, but I hate the idea of him groaning with pleasure while watching me at my most vulnerable and awkward: quads flexed, trying to make sure the cuffs of my jeans don’t touch the floor and that my butt doesn’t graze the already-peed-on toilet seat.
You think I’m kidding, but a few news stories over the years about hidden restroom cameras have me convinced I’m being live streamed — pun intended — every time I squat over a toilet that’s not in my own home.
Whether in a swampy, gas station hellhole toilet or a stall in our favorite West Village restaurant, I always, always, always check around for a little red light before I dare to pull down my jeans. I scope out the ceiling light, the fold-down diaper changing table, the toilet paper dispenser, and yes, inside the porcelain bowl. (Google Chuck Barry and “toilet tapes.”) Of course, I also sweep the room for teddy bears. I’m no dummy.
Even at a party in a friend’s apartment, after I double check that I locked the bathroom door, I fling the shower curtain open ready to find a recording device, or maybe a person with a full-on news camera, lying wait in the bathtub. I’m forever ready for the moment where I discover evidence of Wee Wee Big Brother and scream “I KNEW IT!!!!”
Am I crazy? You may think so, but I bet the guy watching videos of both you and me going potty would disagree.
When I was about 8 or 9, we used to go the lot which was across the street on Nelson Ave, Bronx, and set a fire to roast potatoes. When it was time to put out the fire, we engaged in a massive group peeing exercise from afar. We were always successful.
I know someone is watching when I get on and off escalators. Ever since one tried to eat me and my pants in Atlantic City, I’ve never been the same.
For me I know I must be getting watched every time I get on and off an escalator. I’ve never been the same since one tried to eat me and my pants in Atlantic City!
… and I have no idea why my name got typed in like it did above. Sorry, I’m really not that big of a douche, I promise.
See, this is where I would totally exploit the fear in someone and make note of any red lights, real or imagined, in the area just to see them sweat a little.
Yeah, I’m a sadist.
I usually think I’m being taped while in a hotel room. I’m hoping that the big ‘ol clock doesn’t have something more than a radio in there.
I usually don’t get the sense of being taped while in the restroom. I’m mostly worried about getting pee pee on my shoelaces or the bottoms of my jeans.
I suspect I am being watched on those rare occassions when I really have an itch or my underwear is riding up my backside and I need to readjust it all. I know for sure that will be the one time someone catches it on camera and I come up in a magazine about “what not to wear” or “what not to do it public”? you now the ones, where they show the whole body but black out the face. Of course, I suspect everyone will know who it is behind that little black box. And knowing that I would know makes it much worse!! 🙂
My sensitivity to privacy led me to feel guilty when I listened to your morning baby babble on the baby monitor. Maybe you were saying, “Stop listening to my private conversation with myself.”
You are absolutely hilarious!! But now I’m going to be checking the public restrooms before I potty. You just put a spike in my paranoia meter. 🙂
Does this pee paranoia come from the fact that anyone could peek into your childhood bathroom from the terrace window?
I remember little boys discovering this at parties. Watching girls on the toilet beat out the piñata and musical chairs.
Hey Laura,
So great to see you back!Hope things are finally straightened out with the identity theft.
I always wonder about cameras in public bathrooms too, and I’m pretty sure there’s one in the strategically placed sprinklers above the toilets.
My concern of being taped is in the dressing room. The last thing I’d want to see on youtube is a video of me trying to squeeze my butt into a pair of jeans that should fit but don’t.
Oh, good… so my friend, who hid the camera in your bathroom, DID do a good job. He thought so.
KIDDING
I totally get this, and esp at my work, I am so paranoid… plus I change into my yoga clothes there every Wed after hours, and it is comedic how quickly I can move when I think someone might be watching me from work skirt to yoga pants.
Fun read… thanks, Laura!
Yay! New post! You are being watched and listened to, it’s the NSA!
OH MY GOD!!!!!
I am not he type who thinks about this kind of stuff but now that you mention it I too have heard these news stories, they are scary and horrible and I bet you are right!!!
so grose! now another skill I must master, the art of the hold.
true story when my grandmothers travels she fasts, she will not eat or drink any water or food because she will not use a public bathroom!!!! maybe she is on to something?
and so are pornstars! I mean if we are all being filmed in compromising positions for strangers viewing isn’t better to be getting paid?
crazy ass world we live in!!!