Lately, I keep seeing commercials that show someone in front of a computer and say, in onscreen text graphics, “This is Alex. She’s never been on the internet.”
If you haven’t seen these, you’ve probably already guessed the joke:
“Alex” is a Kimodo dragon.
Kidding.
Alex is not a Kimodo dragon. Nor is she:
- A scraggle-bearded Marine being helped out of a dirt hole in Afghanistan after 20 years’ imprisonment
- Waking from a coma caused by a Ketamine overdose at NYC dance club the Limelight in 1991
- An Amish lass enjoying her first day of Rumspringa
- A goo-covered newborn.
Alex is a 40-something-ish woman who appears to be totally socialized. She’s wearing funky glasses and surrounded not by wolves who raised her as their own, but by regular people in a cafe/ library kind of setting.
The ad goes on to show her nervously connecting with her family by video chat. “She hasn’t seen them in years.”
Well, of course she hasn’t. They’ve emailed her every time they’re in town, and never heard back. They finally gave up, asking what I want to know: “Who the F doesn’t use the internet?”
Connected via this miracle you modern, big-city people call the World Wide Web, Alex asks the young girl in the video window, who I assume is her niece, to come closer to the screen — and then says, in “with-it and sassy” tone, “Well now you’re in mah face.”
I get it.
The well-meaning organization that made the ad wants to show you that if you’ve never used the internet, you’re in good company. “Look, even this with-it, sassy, well-groomed professional who hangs out in appealing public spaces without yelling obscenities, hiking up her skirt and defecating — even she doesn’t know how to use the internet. So you’re doing great!”
It’s so totally normal to never have used the internet.
To drive home the point, the ad also features an attractive hairdresser. Is she sporting a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut? A late-season Facts of Life mullet? No. She’s got a sleek, current bob. But she, too, has never used the internet.
Sorry to break it to you…
Hate to tell whoever the target audience is that even my 82-year-old dad, who loves rice pudding, the phone book, and the expression “if my grandma had wheels she’d be a trolley car,” uses the internet. How well, that’s another question. Yesterday, looking up from a lunch plate that had both a Zabar’s danish ring and a knife with mustard on it, he said to me, “Laura, I need your help.”
From the urgency in his voice, I thought he meant help getting up from his chair. But he continued, “I need a ‘PLUG-IN.’ WHAT is a PLUG-IN, and WHERE does one find it?”
I told him to ask Alex.
Comment time!
Do you know someone who’s never used the internet? Please tell me about this fascinating person, or creature, and where you found them.
Laura I am dying laughing… I’m glad you are ok…I think there’s a one woman show about living w/ your parents :))
My husband works as a computer guy, but he thinks “Social Media will be the fall of the Republic. Watch, World War III is gonna happen because of Twitter.” He usually follows by staring off into space and mumbling… “effing Twitter” Ironic since I’m a Twitter Crackhead!
I love your posts! You always make me laugh.
Actually my father got to his 80th year without ever using the internet. But then us pesky children gave him an iPad. This was only a month ago – he pretended he wasn’t impressed, and we were just making his life difficult. Haven’t seen him since to know if he’s gotten over his skittishness yet.
I felt myself like some kind of dinosaur actually being able to say that I knew someone that close to me who was determined to never go near a computer, far less the internet. The researcher in me does note, however, that in all anecdotes the non-user is/was over 80…
Like Rex above, I was only recently thinking of you Laura and wondering when we’d get our next dose of talking shrimp… I think you are marginally more consistent with blog posting than i am.
Yay! You’re back.
I was just thinking about you the other day, Laura, when I was telling someone that it doesn’t matter how often you post, if what you post is so amazing you’ll always have dedicated readers.
Plus, it makes each post like gold because it’s such a rare commodity.
I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t use the internet (maybe that one construction guy who has his wife answer his emails.)
Fun post again (except for the flooding part, that can’t be fun for you.)
I think my 80 year old clutter coaching client had never used the internet. When ever I would tell her about she would ooh and ahh, like it was a magical place. She’s since died, so no, I don’t know a living person who has never used the internet.
I’ve seen that commercial a bunch of times and wondered about its validity!
I personally don’t know anyone who hasn’t ever been on the internet, but I do know people who rarely use it. Like my brother and sister-in-law. I find their eerily calm demeanor when I point out the cat gifs and other Internet detritus they’re missing deeply troubling.
Does anyone else have similar trouble finding a plugin?
That’s ridiculous! While my 85-year old grandmother buys clothes on the internet and even upgraded from AOL to a hip gmail account, my grandfather has never used it.
Doubt a 40-something in sassy glasses would convince him to try it but a large-breasted woman reading stock quotes might do the trick…something to think about, Microsoft.
You are just hilarious…
“looking up from a lunch plate that had both a Zabar’s danish ring and a knife with mustard on it” My favorite one-liner in some time.
I am sending you fast and furious home recovery vibes!!