The other day, I opened my iPad as Steven was walking by, and this was on the screen.
When he saw that, he hugged himself and rocked back and forth blissfully like a child embracing a favorite teddy bear, which is what he does when I do or say something stupid that he wants to hold to his chest and cherish and use against me all day long.
It’s an idiotic thing to google, because duh. It’s like looking up “does too much fudge make you fat.”
But also, it’s embarrassing to get caught looking up your physical neuroses. Especially the vain ones, and the ones that are so clearly fishing for a “don’t worry, you’re fine” or a “this worked like a charm.”
So I’ll embarrass myself and show you a bunch I’ve looked up. Everything you need to know about me, you can figure out from this list.
Purple feet
Feet purple when sitting
Ridges on fingernails
Forgetting words early 40s
Spitting when talking
Is a black spot on gums mouth cancer?
Excess sweating during workout
Workout sweat smells like ammonia
How to control face sweating
Can botox prevent face sweating
Can toenails be surgically replaced
Dizzy while lying down
Is stubbing toe frequently sign of disorder
How to prevent gray hair
How to reverse gray hair
How to grow back over plucked brows
Do eyelash extensions harm your lashes
What age does nose get bigger
Itchy [EVERYTHING]
Turkey neck mid-40s
Surgery for turkey neck
Larger jowl on one side
Surgery for jowls
How much hair is normal to shed
Does long hair shed more
Crepey neck skin
Sandra Bullock plastic surgery
Zit that doesn’t look like zit
Snore feeling while awake
Waking snores
Snore throat [NO, I DID NOT MEAN TO TYPE SORE THROAT]
Are thirst and frequent urination diabetes
Calories in one fig
How large is a large fig
Hump at base of spine
Can you go hunchback from using a laptop
Is humpback reversible
…Actually, those aren’t even the embarrassing ones.
You’ll notice I can’t decide whether I’m early- or mid-40s.
Now you.
I showed you mine, you show me yours.
What’s one neurotic thing you’ve googled? Or more?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
This is all I’m willing to share…
Google search:
Can you be addicted to QVC?
Just read this post. Am taking a break from being busy (see next post). All I will admit to is that I delete my entire history every day of sites I’ve been on. I have this fear that I will die suddenly from that aneurism I looked up a while ago, and my son will look at my history and see … well, I’ll give up just one … that I googled “does everything turn gray when the hair on your head does.”
I don’t think I used to google too much gross stuff until I had a baby… now it’s all…
Can my baby eat ….
baby rash normal
post labor poop
And…
how much does [celebrity] weigh
Dear Laura,
I felt compelled to write you this morning after reading your email and then post today. Apparently I prefer to be “virtually” fashionably late; it’s 11:47PM.
I was laughing just reading your email about your post.
Now I am reading the comments to your hilarious post, and this tribe of commentators is fantastic!
Thank you all for lightening my day.
I have obsessed so often on Webmd, between my own possible ailments, my children’s and other peoples (in case I have to worry about getting them some day), I can’t remember them all. Now I have to go search Webmd about memory difficulties…
Top 10 Google Searches:
1. How to tie a tie…because Ty-Ty had Confirmation
2. Black sesame seeds to prevent gray hair
3. Black sesame seeds from China, safe?
4. How to share a folder on Dropbox
5. How to tie a tie…because Skye had to wear one for a special mass, and we forgot
6. To flu shot or not?
7. The entrepreneurial bandwagon
8. Webmd addiciton (I meant: can I have an addiction to Webmd? All that came up was drug addictions)
9. Synonym for overwhelm, chaos, clarity (I google synonyms a lot)
10. Webmd-Can PVNS not grow?
11. (Bonus) What is PVNS?
12. (Because, let’s face it, most Webmd searches lead to…) Can PVNS turn into cancer?
Jason is spot on.
Jason just said that Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure but the ending is always cancer!
Hahahaha! That’s brilliant! Actually, I think there’s another ending: menopause.
Wow! I can’t even begin to be in the same thread as these fantastically hilarious comments. But here I am at the bottom with the only choice to leave a reply. Fulfilling the only requirement.
(My Google searches are boring compared to you all.) (But now at least I have some new ideas of what I can learn about my body.)
(And since I’m the only guy, I can’t possibly share.)
You get your gold star! And of course now I’m going to google, “what do guys google” because you won’t tell us.
yeah, I feel like I’m in the girls locker room over here.
And yes, you will have to google that because I won’t tell you. But you’ll probably get stuff about sports and cars and video games (all stuff I wouldn’t ever google, but then I might be odd. My commenting here might be proof.)
Dear Google: Why does one of my armpits always smell worse than the other?
I love you and your unevenly stinky pits.
I’m constantly googling words I already know to get the EXACT definition. You know, to make sure I’m as smart as I am trying to sound.
In the past week:
slated
oversee
tripe
equatorial
coxcomb
idiom
twain
aerial
concerted
transcendence
suppress
repress
reticent
michael fassbender (okay, that wasn’t for a definition. just wanted to see some pictures of michael fassbender)
I just googled and discovered I’ve been using “Michael Fassbender” wrong in a sentence for years!
Hello, Google, “Can holistic hCG drops make one breast bigger?” Yep. Went on that crazy ass diet and one boob swelled up like a, well…I don’t know, because both my boobs are already melons. How did I notice? My tank tops kept pulling to one side. And there’s the fact that my husband kept staring at my chest, perplexed, saying, “Your boobs look crooked.”
Of course, I also had to ask my good and trusted friend Google, “Can cancer make one breast bigger?” Fun times. Always good times when you’re having a conversation with Google about cancer.
(Had mammo, everything’s fine. It was the hCG)
By the way, one of the reasons why Google and I are great friends is because, very rarely, if ever, do I need to finish my question. Google know exactly what I’m going to ask. Google gets me. I like that. I like it when someone anticipates my needs.
Agreed. I bet typing in “Is” finishes “a crooked tank top a sign of breast cancer?” Because really, people like us are the majority. We’re just the only ones who admit it.
Great post Laura! I have googled many of the same things that you have about hair loss and the neck issues! 🙂
Here are a few of mine that I found.
how to get eyeshadow to look airbrushed
how to get pictures of the moon on a budget
how to heal cartilage piercing fast
appetite suppressants that work
bad blood Taylor swift
HOW TO MAKE A SUBSCRIBE POP UP ON YOUTUBE
i love jesus but i drink a little
kohls 30 off august 2014
As you can see one of my problems is that I don’t follow directions well. My list is more of a random list of silly stuff I googled. Oops. Now I feel really vulnerable. :-/
PS I always heard sweating is good and you sweat less as you age so that’s a story I tell myself…
I love the random. There are no rules here except don’t go away without commenting (a rule most people break, but you’re better than they are).
“I love jesus but I drink a little” is killer. See, if you’d tried to stick to the exact request, I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of reading that. I wonder if you found answers?
Haha Laura! Thanks for responding! I have to google that “jesus” one a every once and and share the video with someone who has not heard of it, it’s from a Ellen episode. Gladys Hardy. http://youtu.be/30kS2Kr7YjQ Enjoy!
I just have to say that you googling “Forgetting words early 40s” made me feel so much better. I am actually scared of this and thought it was only me. at least we will be aphasic together!
You too? Thank god. I feel like an old lady, pausing mid-sentence and snapping my fingers, trying to finish the thought.
There’s no one I’d like better to be aphasic with.
You may need to control your face sweating while reading this, but the purple feet may be from stomping on wine grapes on your recent trip to Italy. Just sayin’.
I was only googling those things for a friend.
And what, do you think we went on an I Love Lucy Italy tour?
OK girl, you asked for it.
– placenta encapsulation (did you know that was a thing?? BLEAH me either)
– how to write a thank you note
queen latifah gay (i’ve known this since Living Single when she had NO chemistry with anyone and am finally satisfied to know my gaydar is en point)
megan boone wig (also – KNEW IT)
tv catchphrases
haunted house new jersey
stevie nicks witch
(now we get into me obsessing about cool nurseries and not average or boring ones)
vintage space posters
rocketship bedding
galaxy crib bedding
superhero wall art
(and now deciding what I want Scott to bring home for dinner.)
macaroni grill menu
pf changs menu
india grille menu
china inn menu
harry’s seafood menu
how to log out of Flickr (why isn’t THIS EASIER)??
That’s it. I wish they were more embarrassing but the embarrassing part is that all of these are within the last 24-48 hours. So I think about food a lot. And bedding.
This is heaven. I really think you can know a person from her google history, except for the stuff she erases line by line.
OOOOH you’re so vulnerable here!!
Since we are only doing physical neuroses, here you go:
numb fingers pregnancy
gestational diabetes indian food
pregnant watermelon belly
Weird, eh? Those are the latest – but I have been concerned about hair falling out, just not recently since I am retaining hair at the moment.
Great post, my dear!!
So, so, so vulnerable. We need a Vulnerability Circle!
I love your searches. I forgot how many “numb” things I’ve searched, too. Without being pregnant.
The Indian food one is baffling and priceless.
Now I want to see your non-physical ones, since you dangled that.
Thanks for contributing!
OMGOMGOMGOMG – I have to share this story: last week I noticed a black spot on Gabe’s lower gum. I tried to brush it off with a toothbrush. Nope. So, I googled: black spot on gums. BAD idea. Scheduled appointment for pediatric dentist for next day. Freaked myself out entirely until then. All the while working hard to maintain calm in front of Gabe. Finally we get to the dentist. He stares at the spot, pulls out a sharp silver tool and extracts . . . a poppy seed! It was fully embedded in there and was “working its way out through the skin.” I want to vomit just writing that sentence. Dentist said it probably “fell in” after his baby tooth fell out and there was an empty hole in his gums. Ewwww! After the dentist extracted the poppy seed, Gabe Deringer proclaimed with pride, “Must be those Har Zion bagels!” Which he gets to eat regularly at Hebrew School. OMGOMGOMGOMG
SAME! I went to the dentist for him to look at my mouth cancer, and in one second, he swiped with some metal tool (which I want) and then, ta-da, showed me a speck of black pepper.
Recently searched …
Will my stubbed toe turn into a hammer toe
How to use a fountain pen
Not quite neurotic, unless I spent 4 hours watching fountain pen videos.
Happy Wednesday 🙂
I love both of these. Do you know that I’ve looked up youtube videos on how to properly double knot a shoelace? My sneakers kept coming undone.