Today, even though I’m trying not to wake up and look at email, I woke up to this lovely email.
So sweet, but unnecessary.
And, if my mom had been cc’d, she would have sent an immediate retraction.
Because guess what? IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
My dad’s 82. Normally, my first thought would be to call my parents and make sure he hasn’t just had a stroke. But I know what happened. It’s happened before, and I’ve been waiting for it to happen again.
A few years ago on this very day, I met my dad for dinner.
He was alone, because my mom was in the hospital having knee replacement or shoulder repair surgery. (Who can keep track?) When he got to the table and sat down, he started digging in his pocket. Along with some lint, he pulled out a silver Kennedy half dollar coin and held it out to me.
This was always my parent’s go-to emergency present, especially on Passover: “Do we have anything to give the kids for finding the afikomen? Quick, rustle up some Kennedy half dollars.” Everybody got to win one, because it was an “everybody wins” kind of household. The true winner, the person who actually found the piece of matzoh, which was always one of my cousins and the matzoh was always in the bookcase or under a couch cushion where I somehow didn’t think to look, would get a whole Susan B. Anthony dollar.
So when I saw the half dollar in Dad’s hand, I knew I was getting an emergency present for something. But what?
“Laura, dear,” he said, and took a patented pause.
I’m serious, my dad has a patent on pauses. His are a special kind, longer than any that modern science has managed to come up with to date. During just an average pause of his, whole ice caps melt. World maps are redrawn. Children are born, grow up, enter the work force, get married, and have a mid-life crisis wondering when my dad’s pause will end.
He continued. “On this day in 1969, you entered my life and mom’s life, and made us the happiest parents in the world.”
How so, I wondered during the next pause. In the form of an 8-month sonogram? Do we now celebrate those? Did I poke my head out early or something? Because, yes, my dad’s getting up there, no spring chicken, blah blah blah, but no way he thinks this is my —
“Happy Birthday, my dear girl. May you have many, many more.”
As I took the half dollar – because hey, money’s money – I told my dad that it was actually not my birthday.
He slapped his forehead.
“Stupid Geni!”
Geni is a really annoying internet app/ membership site that’s like Facebook for genealogy. Or, I guess, a less accurate ancestry.com. Once you join, it starts emailing you names of people who may be your inbred 3rd cousin once removed, and, I guess, notifications of your daughter’s birthday when it’s NOT your daughter’s birthday.
By the way, my dad hardly needs help finding relatives.
He can find them with just the power of his nose, which doesn’t smell bad smells but is phenomenal at sniffing out Jews and even non-Jews whose lineage goes back to the same blood line and Eastern European shtetl.
He was shaking his head. “I can’t believe it! I got an email from Geni saying it was your birthday today. They fuck everything up.”
Which is exactly what he says about AOL and Chase bank. And he will never, ever leave either of those, so I know he won’t leave Geni either.
My dad doesn’t believe everything he reads, as long as it’s on paper.
He snorts at articles in the Times. “What garbage!” He triple-checks every restaurant bill. “Did someone here order a second glass of wine? And what is open food? Did someone have open food?”
But he does believe everything he reads on the internet, especially if it came through his email.
And, though I haven’t asked yet, I’m pretty sure that’s why he thinks today is my birthday. If asked the date of my birthday, I guarantee you he’d say October 30th – the correct date. But Geni clearly got to him again.
He’s just fine.
Still, I better call to make sure.
And, to tell him I’m having a great birthday.
Now you.
Anyone ever wish you happy birthday when it’s not your birthday?
Ever forget to wish someone a happy birthday and then realize, with the horrible adrenaline feeling as when you trip, what day it is?
Any fun birthday stories?
IS today your birthday?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
hey,so beautiful, keep posting .
I forgot to wish my dad so how should I wish him now?
We celebrated my sister’s bday on the 28th of Dec her entire childhood. Until she needed her birth certificate for something when she was a teenager, and saw that her bday is actually the 29th. We were 7 kids, so that’s bound to happen, right?
First, you share the same birthday as my Mom, so no wonder you’re awesome. Second, I forget my sister-in-law’s birthday every year. Every. Year. Without fail. She is so used to it, she doesn’t even get mad anymore. Just gives me a “you always forget, but at least you remember at some point.” In other words, “yeah bitch, thanks for forgetting. Again!!” No one ever forgets my birthday cuz I start celebrating on December 1 and go well into the new year.
You should confuse your SIL and wish her happy birthday on her birthday, which will make her think maybe it’s after her birthday and she missed her own birthday.
While today is not my birthday I will be celebrating my actual birthday on October 12th.
Columbus Day.
A day no longer to be celebrated but, hey, at least you get a bank holiday and also, now you have an excuse to celebrate something else instead!
You totally punked me! Tomorrow is my bday and I thought it was an automated email that sends birthday greetings for your birthday…then I saw it was a real post! I started thinking it we had birthdays 1 day apart from each other. I got punked by you and your dad got punked by Geni.
THAT is funny! And by the way, Happy Hanukkah!
The few people that do know my birthday tend to remember it. That’s because I’m determined that they don’t forget. I like to give them reminders, like mnemonics, only not, because I’m not smart enough to come up with an actual mnemonic “When’s your birthday?, they ask. –“It’s the month before our country’s birthday.”, I respond. I like to be a little sassy, but still intellectual. It gets them thinking. And then when they stand there, looking like I just asked them for an answer to an AP History question about the War of 1812, I chime in, with a slightly disgusted tone, like they don’t know shit, “June 4th.”
I give the same courtesy with my name. Only it involves pop culture references that’ll help them remember. “You know, like Lois Lane, Penny Lane.” And then they’ll catch on, “Ok, like left lane, turn lane, FAST lane!” For some reason they’re always really proud of themselves with the “fast” lane comment.
As always Laura, great blog today. Enjoyed reading it!
Xo
You’re right! I was cc’d on Dad”s message and sent him an email immediately. I had told him whose birthday it really was, but I guess he didn’t hear me. Geni clearly has more credibility than my spoken word. He’ll probably tell me I was mumbling.
Love you on all your non birthdays and birthdays!
Mom Belgray, your comment made me laugh out loud! As did the blog post itself. The Bunzl gals got the funny gene. I’m sorry I won’t be around when Samson’s 80 to see if he inherited the “long pause” gene.
I love it that according to Genie we have the same birthday! The Jewish shtetl world knows that we are secretly attached at the soul!
Oh gosh I love this post for 7 reasons. I’ll go into 3.
1. I loved my Dad and I miss him always. He died when 5 years ago and when I visited we’d go for lunch and he’d be awesome. So, keep writing about your dad stuff. I love it.
2. Birthday story 1: My youngest sister’s birthday is May 19th. A few years ago, on APRIL 19th, I was talking with my Mom and I said out loud “OHMYGOSH I ALMOST FORGOT JULIE’S BIRHTDAY!! I’ll call her now.!” Mom said, O.K. So I called Julie and sang Happy Birthday in the best voice I had. She thanked me and laughed and pointed out my error. So I have a get out of OOOPS missed your birthday free card.
3. When I was 23, and it was 2 months before my birthday, I figured I was close enough to 24 to start calling myself 24. Then a week before my 24th birthday, I freaked out because I was turning 25! I don’t do that anymore.
Thanks for your daily posts – they inspire me and make me laugh and feel good.
Sheryl
First of all, I get the same emails from Geni, and I too do a WTF every Oct 1st, because even I know it’s not your b’day. Secondly, I’m in awe of how much funny stuff there is in this one piece of writing. I laughed throughout this entire post. I am in great admiration of your comedic writing skills, dear cuz. Lastly, I have a big collection of Kennedy half dollars because early on I came to realize that the afikomen is always behind the couch cushions.