Back in like, 1999, I kept getting calls from a collection agency for a mobile phone bill I’d already paid.
Yes, I’d paid it late — to a previous collection agency, which, because collection agencies are just knuckleheads earning dollars from home in their dirty undies, had neglected to do the proper paperwork and log my payment. Instead, they’d sold my imaginary debt to another group of knuckleheads.
One day, I made the mistake of picking up the phone.
I ended up talking to one such sad-sack, who kept trying to bargain with me so she could get at least a piece of the money I didn’t owe.
HER: “We’re willing to reduce the bill by 10% if you pay today.”
ME: “I paid two months ago.”
HER: “Our records show it as unpaid.”
ME: “Mine show it as paid. I’m looking at the paid-in-full letter right now.”
HER: “We’re willing to drop the charges if you mail us that letter.”
ME: “I’m willing to do that if you send me a self-addressed, stamped envelope. I’m not going to waste a stamp on it.”
Never mind that I didn’t have a stamp.
A self-addressed, stamped envelope was the only way I’d mail anything. I still hate mail but I try to keep a stash of Forever stamps with my stationery so I don’t get into these fixes.
HER: “We can’t do that.”
ME: “Then I’ll fax it to you.”
HER: “We don’t have a fax.”
ME: “You don’t have a fax machine? What kind of company doesn’t have a fax machine?”
Remember, this was 1999, before you could scan it, email it, and tell them to suck it.
Everyone had a fax. If you needed one in a fix, you’d run out and get it at Staples.
HER: “We’re a million-dollar business, ma’am.”
ME: “Really? A million dollars is a lot. So why can’t you get a fax?”
HER: “They have one down the hall, but they’ve left for the day. And all our other fax machines are at outside facilities.”
Translation: My neighbor’s got one, but I can’t ask to use it again. And I don’t want to put on pants and go to Kinko’s.
The point?
When someone says they have a “million-dollar company,” or a “million-dollar business” or a “million-dollar launch,” don’t get too impressed or jealous.
Anyone can say that! It’s like saying “best-seller.”
What qualifies as a million-dollar business?
A shoe store in a space that costs a million dollars a year to rent, and sells just enough sandals and booties and ugly loafers to cover that rent — is that a million-dollar business?
If you have a coffee shop and put a million-dollar price sticker on 1 pound of your special, fair-trade Costa Rican beans (full-bodied mouthfeel with notes of honey, tamarind and chocolate), and are pretty sure someone will bite, then boom – million-dollar business?
If a 2nd grader runs a lemonade stand in the yard of his parents’ 8-million-dollar McMansion, is he a multi-million-dollar lemonade tycoon?
A stripper who owes a million dollars to her coke dealer and is on track to make it back to him by 2025 if he lets her live, and if she gets those 36-E implants, which will mean bigger tips — is she a million-dollar entrepreneur?
Online-marketer-guru-preneur who pays nine hundred thousand clams for her business coach, launch coach, branding coach, launch team, platinum-level mastermind, photo shoot in front of the Eiffel Tower for the FB ads, First Class airfare to Paris for said shoot, and the Louis Vuitton handbag she’s holding in said shoot (she was going to return it but that didn’t feel abundant) …and grosses one million on the launch: is that a million-dollar launch?
If a life coach has the number 1,000,000 clipped out of a magazine and stuck at the top of her vision board between a photo of Oprah and a photo of a tall, frothy green juice, and she can feel in her bones that she’s making it all happen, is that a million-dollar life-coaching business?
Judging from all the people who claim to own million-dollar businesses, or to be “on track to do a million dollars,” I believe it is.
So, next time you start feeling bad that everyone but you runs a million-dollar or multi-million-dollar business, remember that they probably don’t have a fax machine.
(Not that anyone still does. But you get the point.)
Or, remember that you DO have a million-dollar business. If you say so, you have one.
Now you.
What do you think makes a million-dollar business?
Do you have one?
Do you have a fax machine? WHY?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
How is this post from 2014 but still relevant as shit? #witchcraft
Even worse that the million-dollar ones are the six-figure income-ers. Now *they* seem to be everywhere. Everyone wants to show you how to reach a six-figure income in your first year of business!
I don’t have a fax machine. Because it’s not 1999. But what you said.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on skinny khaki pants.
Regards
I loved this. Ha. So true.
I have so much to say about both these things.
First off, I had a medical bill, that was paid, somehow go to a collection agency and I sent them my bank statement to prove it. Then 2 months later, just long enough for me to lose that bill, they started calling again about it.
Finally I answered and said, “I sent you the statement 2 months ago and I got confirmation that you received it. Are you in front of a computer? Open up my file and look at it.”
To which she responded, “Are you questioning my ability to do my job? I’ve been doing this for twenty years, I know what I’m doing and I’m very good at it.”
To which I responded, “Great. Then you should have my file in front of you now with the documentation that this bill has been paid.”
Nope. She didn’t have it. Expert indeed!
About as expert as these 7 figure-maker life coaches.
I happened to know the personal details about someone that a number of “7 figure” life coaches were using as their testimonial because she had supposedly made 70K after using each of their services and they were all claiming it like they were personally responsible. But that detail, while annoying, becomes completely irrelevant when you know, as I did, that this person was literally looking for change in her couch to buy groceries for her kids when these testimonial dropped.
Turn your business zero to 7 figures just by downloading my 3 step plan that you can implement in 30 seconds – if I can do it then so can you! To build trust I have included 15 made up people saying made up things about made up results – caaaa chow!
Cynicism and gullibility – like the gutters on a the bowling alley of life…
PS. how do I appear in the little pic as a disembodied me and not a disembodied shrimp?
Hey Suze, I’m sure there are other ways, but I used gravatar.com.
Yep, that’s how it goes. (I still click on those things though, what a sucker.) I love the sound effect “caaa-chow.”
I think you have to be signed up with gravatar.com to have your pic come up. But you look great as a shrimp.
Who cares if you are a million dollar company? That’s just as bad as name dropping. Get over yourself. If you don’t have the customer service to back it up you might as well be a $1 company. . people get to caught up in the brand names and flashy signs.
I don’t own a fax machine though because they’re obnoxious. ha!
It’s all so arbitrary. Of course, if someone’s teaching me to make money, I want to know that they made money – so it’s worth dropping that info but please, most of these people are just dropping made-up numbers. I’m on track to 10 million (bacteria cells on my toilet seat)!
Love this, Laura. So true. However, I’m still a coach who wants to work with Oprah someday. 🙂
That’s all good! As long as you don’t claim you cracked a million just because you ate a million calories worth of fried chicken in the green room.
I always wonder if the 6 digits (or 7) includes a decimal point…
100000 ooooooor is it 1000.00
If I add the decimal point and two zeros to the end of my income, I am seriously rockin’ this thing and should be able to retire by the end of 2015.
Exactly. Especially if you get them to move the decimal point on all your bills.
I read your post and wished I’d wrettin it
Gee, I feel kind of sorry for all of you losers. I’m only 25 and I’m already working on my third million…gave up on the first two, of course 🙂
Ha! I like you. I’m coming on your third yacht.
All I can do is laugh at this. I had one guy in my industry tell me he’s invested millions into his up and coming company that he wanted me to be COO of but his website wasn’t even working properly and he wanted me to work pro bono. Bahahha million dollars on what?
I loved this keep em’ coming!
Xoxo,
Ashley
Those people who say they’re so big and then don’t have the funds to pay are my favorite (to hate on). WTF.
“Got no diamonds,
Got no pearls,
Still I think I’m a lucky girl;
Got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
Got the sun in the morning and the moon at night!”
I saw the movie Annie Get Your Gun when I was about 8 years old and I fell in love with this Hollywood smaltzy musical. The songs were so catchy and easy to learn. I still remember the one I quote above.
Do I have a business worth a million?
Perhaps not.
But I have a LIFE worth a million.
A million stars. (I live in a place where there is very little night light pollution.)
A million grains of sand. (I live by a sandy beach.)
I feel so lucky. I don’t even need the vision board with a green smoothie and Oprah.
I do feel like many of those 6-figure biz people are fakers. Thanks for calling them out.
You know it. So many of them are fakers. As are the ones who claim, “So many people have been asking me how I do this that I created a webinar.” I don’t believe a SINGLE person asked you.
Laura, reading your replies is like getting to read two blogs from you a day. So great. Love it!
And I thought you were going to say ‘tits’.
Forget vision boards – I use a black sharpie + make big bold lists
Matter of fact, I typed that by accident and just happened to catch it before hitting “publish.” Great minds, my friend…
Why you be hatin’ on my life coaching business AND my vision board?
Now I have Barenaked Ladies playing in my mind. So…there’s that. Thanks.
Barenaked Ladies rock!
I know what’s on your vision board. A great shit.
I have so much to say about that, that I’ll save that for special bonding moments, over drinks, in NYC or LA.
But yes, it’s a perfectly spiraled pile. With eyes and a smile. Thank you emoji.
“updating the system”, not “the updating the system”
My health insurance company, United Health Care, can only take claims by mail, as in United States postal service. When I questioned United Health Care today (I had to call them on another matter) about sending by fax, I was told that “they are working on the updating the system to accept claims by fax.”
Let me repeat – TODAY! 2014! Hmm, I wonder why that is?
That’s insane. INSANE! No wonder no one has health care. Because nobody has a GD stamp!
On another note, doesn’t the number 2014 look like last year already? I feel like I’ve already adjusted to 2015.
I love your post.
It resonates with me because I subscribed to too many “life coach” email lists.
I get way too much email about “how to build your list in 15 minutes a day!” and “Does your work feel like play?” and many other get-rich-quick-type subject lines.
Barf. Aaack. Gross.
I work my ass off in my business, and it is going well but it is NOT making one million dollars. Hearing about how others make passive income while they sleep makes me want to throw up.
Hold on a minute while I do.
Nope, that was just the dry heaves.
I do not own a fax machine. I have never owned one. And I never will own one. Faxing sucks worse than snail mail.
I email when I have to. I hate to talk on the phone.
But….I LOVE, ADORE, LIVE FOR seeing people in person. I LOVE, ADORE, LIVE FOR getting real about what is going on for them. I LOVE, ADORE, LIVE for teaching yoga in person. I LOVE, ADORE, LIVE FOR sitting with people, laughing with them, eating delicious meals with them, walking in the woods near my studio with them.
I LOVE, ADORE, LIVE FOR what is REAL!
Oh, gag me. “Does your work feel like play” – that’s the ultimate generic rookie post, usually from someone whose work feels like damp-dungeon torture, but admitting that doesn’t make money.
“Damp-dungeon torture”! – I LLOL. That’s right, literally laughed out loud.
Hey Laura- just found your resources section… Kaching!!! This stuff is gold- though I’m going to have to exert a lot of restraint not to spend my entire day on the rhyming sites! Looks like my son is going to NAIL the school poetry contest…
Oh, great, Lola! Those sites save my life. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Well, I guess I’d haul around a thesaurus and rhyme dictionary. But the B-rhymes and the onelook tool? There’s no substitute. Enjoy.
If I had a penny for every entrepreneur that bragged about being a 7 figure business… well I’d be a millionaire!
The worst is humble bragging- all over FB along with photos of your vision board. You make me laugh Laura- keep dishing it please!
I’m more fascinated by the OUTRIGHT bragging. A lot of them have dropped the humble.
And thanks!
What, me? All I have is a million laughs from reading this post. So I am very rich, indeed. Loved this.
In a few years, those’ll be worth TENS of millions. Of laughs. Thanks, Marci!
As I was saying, and now to repeat again (whoops I pushed “return”)
About a million dollars, a fellow kibbutznik from Chile told me that “you Americans say ‘you look like a million dollars.’ In Chile, we say ‘You look like the moon.’
Did you know that long long ago, I sold MILLIONS? Millions of words impressed into bibles, sold from billions of doors to doors. Great big family bibles. Millions of them, I swear on a stack of bibles.
That’s impressive, Dad! Did you tell prospective customers the price per word? Had to be quite a bargain.
I can always count on you for phrases like “fellow kibbutznik.”
xox
I have a fax! But I prefer email.
I don’t have a million dollar business (maybe one day?) but I sure would love to have a business that makes me feel like a million dollars. Oh, the irony of it all.
That’d be nice. Of course if we’re just talking about feelings, let’s make it a billions dollars.
I don’t know. But what I do know is that I went to a two-day telex training for my job in a mail room in 1979. True story. It had a rotary dial and we connected to a place in Western Africa (sorry, I can’t remember the country) and taped ticked out. It was fun. And I got paid 3.10 an hour then. I guess I’d be million dollar gal if I’d stayed with that job instead of going into teaching.
Here’s a picture.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ec/Telex_machine_ASR-32.jpg
Laura,
Breathing prolongs life, and you discovered the secret: laughter via Talking Shrimp.
2 associations:
One is about a million dollars:
This picture is EVERYTHING! Can I use it? I was just going to tell a story involving one, possibly in tomorrow’s post!
Even worse that the million-dollar ones are the six-figure income-ers. Now *they* seem to be everywhere. Everyone wants to show you how to reach a six-figure income in your first year of business!!!! (LOTS of exclamation marks!!!!!)
Oy, the 6-figure claimers are like cockroaches. I believe about 40 percent of them.
I second the ‘six-figure income-ers’!! Enough already!
God, every time some entrepreneur posts how much money they made last year I want to comment “Net or gross?” because I have a sneaky feeling those are gross numbers and not what those folks are actually living off of. My gross numbers sound pretty impressive sometimes, too. Then I have to pay all the expenses I incurred to create the gross number, and well…that actually makes me feel kinda gross.
I love the way you call all of this shit out. Keep it coming!
And you know this one was my favorite :
If a life coach has the number 1,000,000 clipped out of a magazine and stuck at the top of her vision board between a photo of Oprah and a photo of a tall, frothy green juice, and she can feel in her bones that she’s making it all happen, is that a million-dollar life-coaching business?
Hey Pal. Fancy seeing you here. I second everything you said. Including the vision board bit. hilars.
Exactly, Dialto! Net or gross. I want to know what you get to take home in the end. And then I want to know how much is left after you paid your mortgage, maintenance or rent and other living expenses. Because even if you net a mil around these parts, if you have 3 kids and a bedroom for each AND have to send them to private school, you might be sniffing around for food stamps.
Of course I knew which part would be your favorite.
Ugh.. Faxing. Kill me now.
P.S. I’m impressed you even offered to fax the letter over.
I’m impressed, too. Faxing is way too energy-draining to even think about, I don’t know what came over me.
Fantastic article, Laura. After all, $1 million is just an arbitrary number.
I often wonder what comes to peoples’ minds when they think of a “millionaire.”
Is it someone that earns a million a year? Is it someone that’s earned a million over their career? It is someone that owns a million worth of stuff?
And regardless of what classifies someone as a millionaire (or not), who cares?
Mo’ money, mo’ problems . . .
Thanks, Russ! I know, I think about that every time I watch Millionaire Matchmaker, and the “millionaires” have dumb little homes. Also, if you live in LA or NYC, you might as well be saying “thousandaire” because that’s how relatively far the million will go.