Enough enough enough holidays!
Don’t mind my grinchiness. Don’t get worried about me. I don’t have a dark past where I was given up to an uncaring, drunk foster mom with a greasy boyfriend on Chanukah, or where we noticed a stink in the house after Daddy went missing on Christmas morning, and then found him stuffed and rotting in his santa suit inside the chimney. Was that from Gremlins? Nice kids’ movie.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on Christmas was that I never got a real, arcade Pac Man or Donkey Kong machine.
I don’t have any reason to hate the holidays, except that:
1) The days are short and lack of sunshine makes me sleep till 10 am which makes me feel bad about myself which makes me turn the anger on your favorite Judeo-Christian traditions, especially the expectation that we all KICK ASS IN THE NEW YEAR — hello, it’s the least likely time of the year for me to feel like kicking ass. Can we kick ass during some month when the sun sets at night instead of in the middle of Ellen?
2) They’re boring. The subject of them is boring. Everyone with their same experiences: Tree is up! Shopping crunch! Holiday weight gain! Any big plans? You going away? Oh that sounds like fun, enjoy! New year, new you! Looking back at 2014!
(Though I did just watch Kelly and Michael’s Top Moments of 2014 countdown, and I have to say I join America in loving the moment where they surprised Mandy Patinkin, AKA Saul from Homeland, with his ex girlfriends. He kissed them both on the mouth, which was hot because I have decided that Mandy Patinkin is hot. You have to be, to get by with the name Mandy when you’re a boy. Also, to pull off the “orthodox-rabbi-esque CIA agent who can snap a man’s neck” look.)
I hate the calendar. I wish it would go away.
I hate all the parts of it where we all have to do and talk about the same thing. Birthdays are fine because everyone has a different one, though thanks to Facebook, it’s now everybody’s birthday every single day so I’m done with those, too.
I think I scared the O Cafe guy this morning.
As he rang up my iced coffee and asked how my holidays were going, I barely managed to get through the “what are you doing for New Years” conversation. I said my plans, he said his plans, and then, as he turned around the screen for me to sign with my finger, I said,
“I’m just excited for them to be done. I can’t wait till January First.”
HIM: Oh yeah, New Year, New You?
ME: No! Not even! I’m not doing that! I just want the calendar stuff to be over! No more calendar! No more calendar! No! No calendar.
I often tell them to add more ice, or please pour out some coffee because I said I need room for milk, but I don’t usually yell “NO CALENDAR!” He wasn’t sure what to do with that one. No one is. No one has suspended the calendar. No one has made it permanent June, no matter how many times I ask.
On a completely unrelated note, because I’m bored of myself and my calendar hating…
I have a great idea for a sitcom.
The Mandy Project. Mandy Patinkin plays a similar version of himself, named Mandy Pachinko (like the Japanese pinball machine that I got for Christmas one year, not at all like real pinball) or Mandy Potemkin (runs a car dealership?) working and looking for love in the big city, with a little help (and interference!) from his quirky group of friends. James Franco guest stars as his crazy neighbor.
Now you.
Are you done with holidays?
Do you hate or love the calendar?
Do you find Saul hot?
Will you watch The Mandy Project?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
and I printed out caldnear sheets for the rest of the year. I used a0a 2012 caldnear freebie from Tom Kat Studios. I only touch my caldnear with a pencil, beacuse things change all. the. time. And that’s
The sun should always set during Brian Williams, not Ellen. Love the Mandy Potemkin concept. The neighbor should older though, like Erik Estrada.
Oh no! My newsletter title is New Year, New You. I’m selling Pilates sessions and hoping people will choose my studio to express their new year burst of motivation. I really need you Laura Belgray, I wish you would write everything for me forevermore.
I spent Christmas driving, partly to get out of having to spend another minute of holiday hoopla with my husband’s family. I drove for 10 hours straight, it was great, just singing at the top of my lungs as I sped the length of California with my kids. Christmas dinner was sushi picked off little boats in Pasadena, it was fun. Now I’m in the middle of a gorgeous snow storm in Southern California, it slows everything way down. I got to ski today which is my self proclaimed holiday tradition, the only gift I ask for. I’m blowing off New Year and driving 10 hours back up to Northern California.
I am a huge Mandy Patinkin fan, I’ve never seen Homeland but I sat in the third row when he played George Seurat in Stephen Sondheim’s Sunday in the Park with George on Broadway and I’ve never been the same. Did your mother just say that he did a benefit in your apartment???!!! I’m swooning.
I mostly agree with you but I have to say I love a new calendar, so clean and fresh and full of possibilities. I’m looking forward to lots in 2015 and one is getting my website spruced up with better copy. Thanks for letting me practice my writing on your blog.
“…[E]specially the expectation that we all KICK ASS IN THE NEW YEAR — hello, it’s the least likely time of the year for me to feel like kicking ass. Can we kick ass during some month when the sun sets at night instead of in the middle of Ellen?”
Can you hear me singing? It’s because I’m in the choir. Your article here makes me feel better about the New Year — mostly because you take the pressure off.
Thank you and Happy New Year!
Happy New Year to you too! Let’s make a pact to totally blow it off.
I didn’t know you had a thing for Mandy Patinkin. Too bad you didn’t come to hear him when he did a benefit in our apartment for J Street and sang Songs by Sondheim. I don’t remember what year that was, — maybe ten years ago — but it was probably before you were interested.
Ditto for Mom
Oh man, why didn’t I come to that? It predated my thing for Mandy Patinkin. That’s all about Saul. If only I’d had the foresight.
I am totally with you.
I’ve decided the only thing I like about the holidays are the little sparkly lights everywhere which makes everything look prettier. (Kind of like how being tan and fat looks better than being pasty white and fat, I suppose.)
I am so over the holiday buzz that I had to delete the Facebook app from my phone (ok, not really, I just moved the icon so I have to scroll a whole bunch to get to it so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at it) because I was so sick of seeing people’s status updates saying “So blessed!” with pictures of thousands of presents under the tree or family ski trips or tables full of food or family photos with matching outfits and daughters in ridiculously giant bows or {insert any other examples of holiday gluttony you can think of}.
Every time I see one of these #SoBlessed posts, I think my eyes might roll so far into the back of my head that they may never return to normal. Not only is it a pretty clear “humble brag” offense, it also seems to insinuate some greater power is out there blessing some and not others and all the depressed or poverty-stricken or starving people of the world just aren’t as awesome as “the blessed” people. Too bad, so sad not #SoBlessed folks. Maybe if you’re more awesome next time you’ll get to be blessed.
In conclusion, AMEN sistah. Summer can’t get here fast enough!
Thanks for your always entertaining writing (and for your perspective that makes me feel less weird and grinchy).
* (Wow, so I just re-read this and didn’t mean to sound so grumpy. I really am a happy person pretty much all the time! After all, I am #TrulyBlessed). 😉
Did you know I feel the exact same way about Blessed? I wrote this post before it was even a hashtag: https://www.talkingshrimp.com/theyre-always-after-me-blessed-charms
Well I can’t believe I missed that one — another spot on blog! Feeling #SoBlessed in knowing I’m not alone in this.
YES! Love it!
Plus…Fucking rhymes with lucky, so…
I’m fucking lucky to know you! But not blessed.
LOVE Homeland!
Love the holidays. LOVE them when they’re over.
I love the cold for short periods of time. (It’s novelty to me, remember where I live.)
I love the heat, HATE the humidity. I’m a Sweaty Betty, so Bruce, stay away. (Although, only my face sweats, not my pits. And for some reason, no stinky stank, so there’s a plus.)
Calendars remind me of “how busy” people are. I’ve talked about that and how that drives me crazy. I keep always busy people out of my life.
On another note Laura, or I should say Licia, because I had no idea what the hell it was until Licia commented about it on the blog, I LOVE Peaky Blinders! I marathon watched it over the last week.
I had time to do that, because I am not an always busy person with an always busy calendar. I keep my calendar open to make room for my addiction to t.v.
No apologies.
Glad you’re back Laura, even if it’s sporadic.
P.S.
I have a total crush on Cillian Murphy (Thomas Shelby). But, it’s a “hat on” crush. I can’t look past those creepy-ass hair cuts, so I only lust after him with his hat on.
I feel like Eminem could have totally been a Peaky Blinder, but that’s a whole other topic that just randomly popped into my mind…
OK, I guess I need to watch this Peaky Blinders show even though the name makes it sound like it’s for preschoolers.
TV watching is the only thing I want on my calendar. That’s my plan for 2015.
There’s only 12 episodes, so it it’s easier to catch up on than, let’s say, Lost. (which I went through last summer)
Can’t wait to hear if you like it.
OMG. Peaky Blinders. I’ve totally hooked Lane and now she’s going through withdrawl. Cillian Murphy is so freaking hot. THOSE EYES! I’m a sucker for baby blues – panty droppers for sure.
The holidays? These holidays have been bizarre – I was in a haze for most of them post op and then I got the GD flu. So, you know, good times! That being said, I love Mandy Patinkin and I’ve loved him since he uttered the words “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!”
As you can see I’m rambling – and that’s pretty much how the end of my year is wrapping up…a ramble.
xoxo
Great Bruce&Belgray exchange above!
I second your vote for Forever June. (Not to be confused with Forever 21)
I would totally shop at Forever June. For all my lightweight clothing needs.
I like the holidays. I like the cold weather. I like the lack of sunshine. I usually keep my shades down to prevent any sunlight from leaking inside. I despise and dread the summer. I hate sweating and the odor of sweat on other people on the subway. I hate accidentally touching some sweaty person’s skin on the subway. I hate all the odors of the city that come alive during the warm weather months. I hate that people congregate outdoors during the summer, making the city feel even more crowded. I like wearing sweaters and scarves. I like having real calendars made of glossy paper that feature the drawings of Currier & Ives or photos of New England lighthouses. I do not like that Mandy Patinkin sings in such a high tenor voice it borders on soprano. I would never put milk or cream or soy milk or almond milk in my coffee and I have never in my life had iced coffee. I like looking back on 2014 because I like ruminating on the past. And I’ve never watched Homeland. So, basically, you are totally wrong on this.
I will accept your declaration that I’m wrong only because this is the platonic ideal of a blog comment.
Why can’t we just divide ourselves in half, combine your half that loves winter with my half that loves summer, get rid of the other halves — maybe they can go to Africa and volunteer, build a school? — and become a perennial life-loving whole person? Is that a weird thing to propose to you?
Africa is too hot. How about Greenland? Don’t they need schools there too?