They’re predicting 3 feet of snow, the mayor is saying it’ll be the worst our city has ever seen (it won’t be), and everyone has already run to the supermarket to buy all the bread.
Not me, though.
I have bought no bread. I was busy eating burp-y Italian food.
While everyone else was panicking at Food Emporium, Steven and I and some friends were taking a drive to the Dia: Beacon art museum and then trying out one of those overrated Italian restaurants on Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. I mean, I’m glad we went, it was “a true experience” as billed, but the food kinda sucked.
This place doesn’t give you menus, so you bone up on chowhound.com beforehand, and memorize what you want. “We’ll take the baked clams and the linguine all’ Gianni,” I told the waiter, proud of my preparedness.
“No seafood,” he said. “No seafood on Sundays.”
This explains why the restaurant was only half-filled when all the reviews online said “worth the wait.”
What we ended up with was a table loaded with many things stuffed with ground meat.
Things wrapped around a giant meatball. Red pepper wrapped around a giant meatball. Tough flank steak wrapped around a giant meatball. Cavatelli with broccoli rabe and sausage, which, no, was not wrapped around a giant meatball, but wasn’t nearly as good as the penne in vodka sauce looked.
The guys next to us offered us as much as we wanted of theirs.
They had a giant, giant plate of it, which I really wanted to try but was too shy to say yes. At some part of the meal, I shrank into my head, having an interior monologue about why I don’t go for what I want when it’s right there.
It sounds like I’m complaining, but we had a great time — especially listening to the woman behind us braying in a thick NY accent, “TELL US ABOUT YAHW TRIP!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE CRUISE!! WHO’S SHARON? DO I KNOW SHARON?” — and the whole point here was that I was not in line with everyone else to scramble for all the bread. We could’ve brought home the leftover giant meatballs we’d eviscerated, and might have if there had been a citywide panic for giant meatballs.
Because that’s why people in Manhattan, who can dial up The Grand Sichuan up till around midnight in any weather, buy anything a full 24 hours before a blizzard — right?
These people don’t even eat bread.
They hold up the line at Murray’s bagels to get their bagels scooped out and then lick all the cream cheese off, and that’s breakfast, because they have a carb avoidance policy disguised as a “gluten allergy.”
It’s my theory that they simply fear not getting something that’s running out, and want a leg up on someone who missed it.
Maybe bargaining power, because having all the bread puts people at your mercy.
The person buying all the bread knows they’ll never make anything with it, especially since the toaster’s broken, but they picture a ragamuffin father showing up at their apartment door begging, “Please, please, do you have an English muffin I could divide amongst my 8 children?”
And then, because the bread hoarders are good people when push comes to shove, and the human spirit always triumphs, they would say, “‘Here, take this, tho’ ’tis my last Thomas'” (pronounced Thomassez,) and would even take in the family, the wizened matriarch of which would turn out to be a registered nurse practitioner and save someone in the host family who’d sustained an infected cut opening a can of Progresso soup, which he’d ignored in his cabinet for 20 years and kept forgetting to give to the local can drive, but suddenly wanted because the snow was starting to come down real hard. That’s when you hit the mediocre Chunky Vegetable Primavera With Pasta Twists.
She would know how to cleanly amputate that person’s arm so that the blood poisoning didn’t spread, and save his life.
And all this would happen before the snow even started sticking.
People are already hunkering down!
And me, I have to go up to the Upper West Side for my gyno appointment, because if I miss it those fuckers will charge me a fee and withhold my prescription for birth control, which is what I use to regulate my hormones so I don’t get pimply and fat. Otherwise, I’d be running to see if there’s any bread left.
Now that it’s run out, I kind of want some.
Should we have brought home that meatball from last night?
Now you.
Do you buy out of panic? Whether it’s bread during a blizzard, a pair of shoes you read were “selling out everywhere” (I have those, do you want to buy them?), or business courses that have “just 3 spots left”?
Do you think these people are really going to eat all that bread?
Plans for the blizzard, if one’s coming your way?
Eaten on Arthur Ave?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS
No blizzards here in Hawaii, but when everyone is panicking because of a tsunami and hoarding cases of water, waiting in 4 hr lines for gas, and spending their entire savings on canned food they wont eat….I’m eating sushi and people watching,
I’m the Queen of ignore it…it’s probably just the 113th false alarm anyways…
Yes, so true. Lemmings is what we are.
However, Laura when you finally release your copy cure thingamajiggy course, I will be one of the first in line to get in. Don’t care how many spots you have or have not left on the day.. I will want in because I do indeed have copy envy, which I guess is kind of similar to trying to get-last-bagel just before the storm hits, only you didn’t. So now all you’re left with is envy.
As you can see I really need the copy cure.. Let me in!! Please!!
Julie
You’re going to do very well with the Copy Cure! There’ll be a spot for you, we’re not creating a bread panic for it. Infinite spots. No deadline (at least that’s the plan for now). Just the natural urgency of “how long do you want to wait to get your hands on this amazing bagel?” I mean program. Did I say bagel?
Your post probably saved me $2000 and 3 months of time. I read it right after another email offering a group coaching class that “only had a few spots left.” You kept me from panic-purchasing. Keep keepin’ it real.
I’m so happy I saved you money! Are we splitting it?
We have a “summer storm” (whatever the hell that is in January) that may “possibly” hit today. It may or may not bring rain, it may or may not be windy. It is grey outside, so there’s that..Should I go out for bread? It would have to be gluten free…there’s a Whole Foods down the block, but then I’ll pay $15 for the loaf…there’s so many decisions to be made. None of which I’m prepared to make. I’m glad I don’t live where it’s necessary that I make them right now.
I am prepared for a catastrophic earthquake though. But that’s only because I lived 6 miles from the epicenter of the Northridge quake back in ’94 and that shit gets real. There’s no, “Hey, a storm is coming next week so go out and buy some water and bread.” It’s BAM! You’re going to die if you don’t get out of this building in 2 seconds! You don’t really think of water and bread.
Hey…it’s raining outside now. Whad’ya know. We have a “weather event” in San Diego. Only, all I have to think about is all of the shitty drivers that will be on the road when I go home that don’t know how to drive in the rain.
Thankfully though, I’ve got bread at home. And it’s gluten free.
Gluten free bread doesn’t work in an emergency. The texture’s all wrong.
The ’94 quake! That’s epic. I’ve only experienced 2 earthquakes: the NYC one a few years ago (lamp was swaying) and one in LA last March. Oh wait! We had one in Mexico on our trip this month. OK, I’m a survivor.
SO true! The texture is completely WRONG!!!!!
Laura, you had me hooked with your email…it was so entertaining, so full of your wit, I was already wanting to comment here before I even read your post! That’s the Belgray Pavlovian Techinique. At least your affect on me.
I love how you write, your sheer genius. And whenever Mama Beggary or Papa Belgray or your sister pipe in, I find myself wishing I could be adopted into your family…I love your humor. Fresh bread! Only bought three weeks ago, and still no signs of mold…
I agree with the whole blizzard panic and online offers…I really am working to avoid panic and zombie like buying of programs I likely never “unwrap.” I have kids though, so I felt obligated to go buy $97 worth of food today, to make sure there would be food, so I would not hear, “There’s nothing to eat!”
Here in CT, we lose power. Picture me, last year, no lights, no internet, no phone (we have cable–first thing to go) and no HEAT. For a week. I’m manically using every appliance and power source today in preparation.
Stay safe everyone, and warm!
Thank you Jul’s! I’m sure Mama and Papa Belgray love your compliments.
No heat?? Now THAT’S a reason to eat bread. Steven and I went to Union Square Cafe, one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants, tonight. The bar had a 30-min wait, so we ate at a front table. Every time the door opened, I froze to death. Or towards death, anyway. Being intermittently freezing made me want to double my order of spaghettini. I’m cold, I eat.
Lol…I love it, “I’m cold, I eat.” Thanks for the reply! I am so sorry to Mama Belgray…my silly autocorrect changed Belgray to Beggary???? and I missed it, in my rush to comment.
“So-and-so just signed up for Abundance-Generating Success Goddess Webinars, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her get ahead of me in abundance generating goddessness race! Not that it’s a race, that’s scarcity thinking! There’s plenty for everyone! No there isn’t, there are only 3 spots left, I’m in!”
lololol, YES.
You know it.
Ha! Okay, truth…I totally fell for this. I was like, “3 spots left…what the hell is she giving away, I want it, I need it…” Dang. And for bread, I’ll do almost anything..although will never resort to the crap ones at the store. I will have to starve!
Oh, you can bet that when there are only three spots left for whatever it is, I’ll be selling them to the highest bidder, not giving them away. I have three spots left to give me money! Want in?
When you’re on the UWS, you can stop by here for some bread. It’s fresh; I bought it only three weeks ago. No mold yet.
“No mold yet” is a perfectly decent standard for quality. I’m on my way.
damn. i was like “bread?!” gimmmeeeeeeee!
i never buy out of panic. unless it’s bread. in which case, i’ll buy it all. as my ass can attest to. but not because i’m panicked; simply because i love bread.
I think there’s good reason to panic if it’s fresh bread. With a chewy crust and sesame seeds. And I kind of admit, I like that Pepperidge Farm cinnamon swirl I mentioned. I like to pick out the raisins. But I never expect my bread needs to go up when I’m shut in. What I go nuts without is ice cream. Why wasn’t everyone grabbing for that?
It’s called Lizard Brain for a reason, right? Or maybe lizards don’t eat bread, I’ve never seen them eat bread before… It’s that knee-jerk reaction that we might miss out. This reminds me of Y2K, I was totally prepped with candles and books and notebooks… because me without internet in 2000 would have been ugly.
In 2015, me without internet would still drive me crazy, but at least I have a husband to keep me entertained. 😉
Nathalie, I love your reply. Taking me back to Y2K, oh, I can so see you being prepped for it all. So glad you have your husband in 2015! Always love your work and spirit!
Nath, I sometimes wonder if lizards go to therapy. They live in a place of constant want, self-hate, scarcity, fear, and self-sabotage. Is there any happiness in being a lizard? I guess you get to climb up walls.
Y2K was hilarious. We were ready for a completely lawless society, because we were all going to lose our aol Instant message archives.
The only time I opened an email because I thought time was running out? This one. Totally fell for it.
Ha. GOTCHA!