I was walking along Bleecker Street yesterday and just had to snap this photo. Then, some dopey tourist saw me taking the picture and whipped out his own camera. Copycat. I hate it when people copy. He must have thought we’d both stumbled on a tableau of unexpected, urban beauty.
Actually, I wanted to document this mess because it was such an excellent example of crackhead stuff. Only crackheads carry around, and then spill, such random items. Probably a crackhead prostitute, because from the pedicure paraphernalia you can tell he/she cared about his/her appearance. Acually, it could only be “she” because even if it’s a tranny crack ho, you don’t say “he.” It’s not politically correct. If it’s someone who would use the ladies’ restroom or wear L’eggs, it’s “she.”
I’m guessing that *she* smokes a little rock, then goes walking the street in those red, over-the-knee hooker boots with the six-inch heels. A couple of johns and a few rounds with the glass pipe later, her dogs are smartin’. So she applies the Icy Hot patch and enjoys a snack of dry Ronzoni strands dipped in ketchup and sugar. Kind of a crackhead’s Lik M Aid Fun Dip. Not that crackheads wouldn’t like real Fun Dip. But you can’t always be choosy.
Crackheads don’t wear contact lenses, because who has time for saline solution when you’re on the go? So that contact lens case is probably just an empty trophy salvaged from the trash, or a good storage place for crack. Vials are so last century.
I’m not going to guess what she did with the Crisco. I mean, I’ve already guessed but it’s too easy.
Shoot — scratch everything I said. I just took a tote bag I haven’t used in a while out of the closet. It was filled with almost the same stuff.
That pigeon is like “What the f*ck is all this sh*t?”
And then he’s like, Imma f*ckin eat this f*ckin sh*t!
Makes you wonder why Frito Lay or some other entrepreneur (love that word) hasn’t developed a line of snack foods for crackheads. I can only imagine the vengeance with which they get the munchies. Can’t you see them downing Pixy Stix along with their paper wrapper? Or bonging on that cheese that comes in the aerosol can? All things considered, they could be slurping up that Spaghetti Bolognese from the pavement without realizing the spaghetti was more than al dente and the Bolognese was a la Heinz.
The line of snack food for crackheads would be called “Snackheads.” They actually don’t get the munchies so much as they like to suck on sugar. Rock candy is probably a perfect snack for them as is – in form and name.
I have a similar fascination. I am so impressed when homeless people have 3 to 4 shopping carts FILLED and OVERFLOWING with stuff. That is dedication to keep track of all that, and just situating it is a feat. Usually they have carefully managed to stack and tie black trash bags filled with their treasure, so I can’t get a good look at all of it. But when I do, it’s a special treat. I always come up with a story about how things like noodles, icy hot, and nail polish go together…yours is impressive. I took notes. We may need to confer in the future.
For real. But there’s a difference between the organized homeless people, who gather things they might use, and them crackheads who just take anything. They wear the most random clothes, too. I don’t know how so many of them manage to find bad 80’s stone washed jeans, or turquoise lycra shorts, and Members Only jackets.
Yeah. It only takes about three minutes for my house to go from spotless to crack den. Unfortunately, doesn’t go so fast the other way around.