What can I tell you?
The world turned upside down this week.
Someone said, “I can’t wait to see the Talking Shrimp post about all this!”
But there’s too much to say about it, and nothing feels adequate. And: when is it appropriate to write something that’s not about “all this”?
Maybe now’s OK.
Today, I see irrelevant, everyday dumb stuff creeping back into my Facebook feed.
Some of it, you could tell, was on autopilot on Tuesday night and Wednesday. So I’d scroll through the horror show and see a jarring ad for a mustard-suede handbag I’d been eyeing back when I thought we wouldn’t have an orange president.
…Or a sponsored post with a video of a wormy “guru” standing in front of a private plane with wind-whipped, chesty models pouting behind him. “I just flew private to Warren Buffet’s annual investor meeting. I used to have $47 in my checking account and now I invite catalog models to glorious Omaha — and so can you!”
Or maybe that is relevant.
Anyway, because I don’t have it in me to write an epic think-piece, here’s an unconnected-thought piece. Some of it’s loosely about “all this,” and some is about socks.
1) The soul demands meaningless and stupid.
Both on 9/11 and the other night, I had the thought, “What I do is meaningless and stupid.”
But you know what? Even if it is, we need meaningless and stupid. We need lots of it.
I finally turned the channel today from MSNBC to Vanderpump Rules on demand. Because my soul demands it.
It’s so comforting to hear Jax’s girlfriend Brittany, the newest server at Sur, struggle to pronounce “Sauvignon Blanc.” And what a nice break from talk of which alt-right psycho has just been appointed to the next White House cabinet, to hear that Jax came home from and caught Kristen kissing Brittany “down south.”
ps – I don’t really think what I do is meaningless and stupid, but big events make the everyday feel laughable.
2) We need a Disappointment Matrix
We’ve got this official Stages of Grief thing. But we could also use a hierarchy of disappointment, accounting for different levels of personal rejection, shock, and consequence. Maybe we need a matrix. Something to give a ranking to experiences like:
Our favorite hotel is booked.
“We think highly of your work, but we’re going a different direction.”
The game was rained out.
We lost the game.
“A few changes to our menu tonight: we’re out of all our pastas, and the chef’s famous roasted half chicken is now a skinless breast.”
This is a letdown, but we’ve known for months it was coming.
WTF is happening right now, an hour ago we thought we’d be popping champagne and now we’re facing a world reality we’d only joked about. (And why is Dad putting on his Hillary t-shirt NOW?)
I’d say that last one is at the extreme right of the gut-punch scale.
2b) I might be missing a chip
I was going to leave this one out, but I squeezed it in – hence the “2b.” I hate adding one in and having to reorder everything.
My dirty secret: I don’t get sad when I’m supposed to. When everyone else is crying their eyes out, I feel numbness or, weirder, a rush of adrenaline. Kind of like the inappropriate smile I had when my dad told me my grandmother had died. I remember covering my mouth to look like I was shocked.
I feel actual, teary sadness mostly when it’s about me. If someone’s mean to me, or confronts me, or doesn’t like something I wrote, or breaks up with me: that’s when I cry, or cry for days. Not when it’s something that affects the whole world.
I was slightly sick to my stomach the other night, like on 9/11. And then I couldn’t sleep. But the next day, while my husband cried in the shower and on the treadmill, I felt blandly OK.
I’m telling you this in case you’re a weirdo too.
3) Cookies.
If I go up to my parents’ house and ask my mom to make cookies, she will make cookies. The universe exploded in our faces the other night, but I got to go home with a batch of Nestle’s Toll House no one but my dad had the appetite for once they’d cooled (at around 10:30 pm). My mom also packed me a ball of raw cookie dough, in a baby Tupperware container that seemed made specifically for a ball of raw cookie dough.
4) Hey, I manifested!
The other day, I found a dollar bill and a ten-dollar bill. On different blocks. On the same day. On Tuesday, I was thinking about Alec Baldwin and then a minute later, I saw him rounding the corner of University and 8th. (He was looking trim, wearing gym shorts.) I thought maybe I was becoming a “master manifestor” – but Tuesday night proved I am a total amateur.
Also, I admit I was thinking of Alec Baldwin because I was on his block, so it’s not that weird that he appeared in front of CVS.
5) What worked on The Apprentice worked on America
There are so many people who speak more smartly and coherently to what happened in this election. I’m not great at politics. But I am equipped to draw parallels between life and reality TV.
On every season of The Apprentice, both celebrity and the original no-name edition, weak contestants like Omarosa and Gary Busey could save themselves from being fired after a challenge by claiming, “I said all along that our creative direction was a terrible idea.” Really? Just saying that an idea is dumb, but not offering a solution, gets you off the hook?
Cut to, “Obamacare is a disaster. I’ll replace it with something terrific.”
6) Socks wreck the house
Don’t tell Steven this, because he’ll complain that we live in a crack house: The other day, I found a piece of dental floss on the rug by the sofa. Nobody in this house flosses by the sofa. I guess a piece escaped from the garbage and got stuck to my sock. Same thing has happened with raisins.
Now you.
I can’t answer political stuff now. Done. I can’t “respectfully disagree” because I find I’m mostly lying about the respectfully part.
But: If you’ve got something personal to add, go for it!
Where were you?
How you doing?
Do your parents still live where you grew up? If so, how do you fall into old patterns there? Does your mom slip you cab money to go home? (Mine still does, sometimes, when she hands me the bag with the cookies.)
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
How do I subscribe? I keep trying to download your “non-sucky copy” and subscribe, but the link isn’t doing anything.
Hi Rey, so sorry you’re having trouble! What browser are you using?
If you go to https://www.talkingshrimp.com/contact and shoot me a note, I’ll gladly add you manually and send you the non-sucky copy tips.
I still cry in the shower over this, but not Afterschool Special style because HE DOESN’T DESERVE THAT.
Most mornings I wake up happy, pretty quickly move into shock once I remember and then I experience a motivation that is both unfamiliar to me and inspiring. I’ll take it.
Your honesty is what makes your work both meaningful and smart.
Thanks for #1. I felt like what happened would happen so I had set my mind for it, refused to watch the returns and cranked away on two deadlines instead, one a potential life changer and the other, meh. Of course, as madness seems to be in the stars, that was turned on it’s ear as well. Though it was in a good way, it still feels very twilight zone. And then I made the mistake of going on FB…Anyway, life can feel empty and meaningless – even when on its ear is a positive thing, so serious gratitude for that. Knowing we aren’t alone is priceless!
Can your mom also make me a batch of cookies? I will also graciously accept the tupperware of cookie dough. Thank you kindly.
I’d invited over my friends. We were coloring in Electoral College maps. I had two bottles of champagne in the fridge.
Two hours later, I stood up and pulled out coloring books. I gently handed them to my friends and we started coloring animals and flora, fractals and buildings instead.
The two bottles are now labeled for new “When We Elect Someone Better” and “When I Forgive Mom for Voting 3rd Party.”
I’m British and I felt a familiar and unfinished sadness return when I woke to news of your new President-Elect. My grandad died 30 years ago. My nan died 5 years ago. My mum said that when nan died, she grieved grandad’s passing all over again. That 25 year old grief popped back up to say hello. I think that’s what happened with me. When the orange sex-pest got in, I felt Brexit all over again. And yes, my parents still live in the house where I grow up and I easily fall back into being looked after – and my mum ironing my underwear.
Ugh. When my husband got out of bed Wednesday morning he said, “Why are you watching SNL?”
And now, today, when I finally put on shoes and left the house, someone put up no trespassing signs where I throw Frisbee for my dog. Where I’ve been going every day for the last eight years. WTF?! There’s NOBODY there. Ever. No, that’s wrong. I’m exaggerating. There was a guy there a couple months ago launching his boat.
Just when you think you can start crawling out, BAM! One little thing throws you right back under.
My family has extremists for both parties. I always avoided politics because I didn’t want to be part of the cacophony. #ostrichmode
This year felt very different, and not because I’m older (any maybe wiser). I liked Trump back when The Apprentice was a hot new show. I stood in the lobby of Trump Tower, once, and felt kind of excited to glimpse the ‘do in person. But now? He’s not an irrelevant-to-me tycoon. He scares me. I voted. Then I watched. Holy $hit, America.
I’ve had a string of dates recently. As a single person, it was kind of thrilling to find some elusive mutual-chemistry. Then I realized he was for Trump. He didn’t vote. He did say, “Let me ask you this: if you worked for a corporation, would it matter to you whether your CEO was a dick? Would you really care about his personal viewpoints?”
Uh. Yeah, dickhead. I care very much. He’s Jewish and said Hilary is anti-Israel. I don’t know enough about that to comment. I could go Google it, but I’m a limp noodle this week.
I spent election night, plus the next morning, feeling hungover with disgust. My phone beeping with several “Praise God.” messages from my family. No idea how I came from them.
… I think this all means that we’re going to have to do some amazing grass-roots stuff to hold this place together for a few years. I’m going to start paying much more attention.
Oh, I’m so sorry! I don’t know what’s worse, the “Praise God” right in your own family, or the dashed romantic hopes – sucks to get that close and then find out THAT.
I will say that neither Hillary nor Donald were “good” candidates in my opinion, but now that it’s over I’m willing to try and make the best of the hand we’ve been dealt.
I too have had trouble with Facebook since the election, but if I’m being honest it’s because It’s never been full of more hate, name calling and grouping of people into a nice little “them” bucket where we don’t have to acknowledge their humanity or value, even coming from my “blue” friends who claim to be afraid of hate.
I try to be empathetic and I realize that there are things people are deeply terrified of with Mr. Trump in office, just like there would have been another group of people deeply terrified if Mrs. Clinton had won. But I have an extremely hard time believing that fully functioning, society contributing adults can’t deal with this. Previous generations have dealt with war on a global scale, loved ones being sent off to that war without choosing to sign up and somehow they still managed. But we nearly shut down because our candidate didn’t win? Take some time to process, yes. Of course. But then move on and do exactly what you were doing before to improve your day-to-day world before all this took place.
We give a president too much credit sometimes. Making the world a better place or a worse one doesn’t fall on their shoulders. It falls on ours. WE have to be the change we want to see in the world. If WE THE PEOPLE can continue to be kind and compassionate to our fellow human beings, no president is going to make or break us. But that starts with dropping those ridiculous categories we put people in that make them seem less like people and more like something that’s ok to hate. Buckets like “Hillary supporter” or “Trump supporter.” Buckets like “right-wing whackos” or “liberal nut jobs.” We’re people and we all do what we think is best. Someone once said “people behave in a way that makes sense to them” and that can be applied to voting as well. I’d be willing to put money on the line that the mojority of either side of the aisle didn’t vote for who they voted for out of hate for other humans. They did it because with the information they had, in their opinion, the candidate they chose was the best choice to move this country forward. It’s been my experience that no one is ever 100% right and no one is ever 100% wrong, no matter how infallible we think our opinions, especially our political ones, are. The majority of us voted with the best interest of this country at heart and no one gets to accuse us of anything else, no matter if we voted “red” or “blue” or neither.
But now I need to address something that does make me sick to my stomach. And please know I’m not advocating for either candidate here. I would say the exact same thing if Hillary or the Easter Bunny had won. When people say Trump is “not my president” it is a slap in the face to every man and woman who gave their time or their lives defending and building this country and is hugely disrespectful to the veterans we claimed to honor yesterday. Just because we don’t like the outcome doesn’t give us the right to decide the outcome no longer applies to us. The fact is, whether you choose to recognize it or not, Donald Trump is, in fact, your president. He was elected by the same system that has served our country well for over 200 years. If you believe you can decide whether he is your president or not, try telling the police officer that pulls you over that you don’t recognize their authority to ticket you, or try telling the judge that issues a warrant for your arrest when you fail to appear in court for the citation that you don’t recognize his authority to do so because he’s “not your judge.” It simply doesn’t work. Like it or not, Trump IS our new president whether you voted for him or not just like President Obama is our current president whether you voted for him or not. The only way the electric president is “not my president” is if we move out of the country. Which, by the way, is a legitimate option. 🙂
That’s all I’ll say on the negative side of things.
In the end. if you’re afraid of hate, don’t be hateful. Violence and rioting should be condemned whether or not the violent and the rioters share your same political beliefs. Whether you identify as “blue” or “red” or something in between, don’t stand for hateful talk about other people. When your “red” friends talk about “blue” people like they aren’t humans (and as a point of reference, if it would cut deep if they said it about your mom, let’s go ahead and say it’s too far) shut them down. If your “blue” friends talk about “red” people like they aren’t worthy of basic human respect, shut it down. Even when you agree with them on politics, you don’t have to agree with them on hate.
I know this was long and if you made it this far…thanks for sticking it out and hanging with me through this whole thing.
My only request is that we stop paying so much freaking attention to our differences and start acknowledging that we are all human beings, deserving of the same basic respect. If we would all still be willing to run into a burning building or jump in front of a car to save our fellow man, regardless of their political or spiritual beliefs, race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. because we understand that human life is so much more valuable than those things, THAT is what will make America great. We can’t leave it up to any politician sitting in the White House signing stuff. It’s up to us. Will WE step up?
Agree that people voted in a way that made sense to them, and it serves us all to understand why others voted the other way.
In terms of the “not my president” stuff and the non-acceptance, you have to account for the extreme switcheroo shock that came from being 99% certain of one outcome, thanks to faulty polling, and then watching it go suddenly the other way. That adds a lot of extra pain and refusal to accept what is.
Great post. Okay, so I am Canadian that lives in Panama, so why care right? But for some reason I do. I wake up at 4 am and I am afraid for you. I am afraid for the rest of us. Maybe I shouldn’t worry, it was all an act, like the TV show. But there is just so, so much that worries me about this all. The character , the integrity, the compassion for all others that was beat down pre-Kindergarten level. How it will affect my children and grandchildren and all of us that do not live in the U.S. but sleep next to the bear. So all I can do is stay positive, that humankind has matured and reason, compassion for all will prevail
Yep, the whole world should be worried, if his behavior during the election is any indication of how he’ll govern. He can’t even handle protestors!
Comedy is the only thing I can smoke right now.
The morning after the morning after I woke to mostly anxiety. It felt like a life’s break up. The dissolution of a family. A movie, Italian wine, was just not doing it. After a round of pngs & calming yet ready to fight back messages from well meaning friends from all world coasts and all walks of life I felt better.
But action was needed. I got up, made strong, triple moka-espresso then hung laundry from my balcony with the fabulous view. My favorite homemade Stella Doro’s were waiting for me a half hour later inside the warm kitchen of one of the little ladies of the lane dressed entirely in black. Like about every other woman on or around my street her name, like mine, is Angela.
‘Ma cosa è successo? Ha vinto il cuore dell’Merica? Quello faccio bronzo?’
A grounding yet alternate Italian universe she tried to console, ‘Ma non fa niente. Non ti preoccupare…’
All I could muster was the chin raised shrug. I thanked her for the cookies and left.
Later, I said to myself. She’s right. I’m still wit Her. And Barack Obama is still my President. And this American life is still mine. And good. And free. And no Trumpians can take that away…
So. Allora, let’s all try to rewind and settle into a good book by a warm autumn fire and wait this thing out. Got Ghosts of Italy? It’s a great American immigrant story.
I sure hope she’s right che non fa niente.
Happy reading!
Laura,
You have the ability to make your readers think , smile , laugh and walk away feeling happier.
I feel devastated about the orange man but rather focus on how America has a lot of amazing people.
For me America will always be about people like you – smart , beautiful , kind, hilarious , genius …
Xo
Indu
Indu, you’re a light. Thank you! xoxo
Love this blog post, Laura. Thank you!
Thank you, Rene!
Thank you, Laura. I identify closely with your experience. I went to bed @2:30 telling myself I’d wake up to the result I wanted, knowing I wouldn’t. Mostly numb Wednesday. Ask my husband to take me for latte & breakfast. Told myself I would not add to any more negativity in the universe and I was going to try to put out enough love in the world to counter the fear. Then finding myself wanting to scream & rage when I would hear something in passing. Today, wine.
You cheered me up Laura…thanks.:-)
There IS a bright side to “all this” as there will be years of “Orange” fun coming from all of my funny favs (SNL, Cobert, you, the 2 Jon’s, Samantha Bee etc…)
Plus, for those who simply cannot “feel the funny”….move to Cali, get high legally and laugh your ass off!
Quite honored that you sandwich me in the middle of those names! Samantha Bee is my current hero.
I became physically ill. Watched mindless tv all day long 🙂
Mindless TV is so helpful!
I was left shocked, depressed, and anxious this whole week after Tuesday night. I can’t comprehend the hate Trump spewed and how his followers it up with pride and elected this orange douchebag. He is not my president .
It’s unfathomable.
Yes, sadness even in the NEK of VT… but we can only hope he will shake congress up and get things done. I am waiting to hear on the news in Feb those two words I know he is wanting to say,”You’re Fired!” But now that the vote is over, majority rules. As sad/mad as one can be we should all be able to be civil. I worry more about the mobs/riots than I do about him, now. Everyone said we needed a change- well, Bernie left the door open….too bad!
Thanks for your words. I always find they leave me thinking…..
SUE
I’m wondering if Mark Burnett releasing the BTS recordings of The Apprentice would’ve helped. But if the pussy-grab tape didn’t work, what could’ve?
I cried the day after the election and wondered if I was in some weird, parallel universe that was having Opposite Day. And yes socks totally wreck the house. In my case, I have two children that sprinkle socks AND raisins across my dark wood floors like they are decorating a frosted foot-smelling cupcake. Oh, and my mom lives in the same home where we grew up minus the plastic covered couch that stuck to our legs – because Italian families like to preserve the furniture. I kinda wish they never sold the couch because I bet it would be in perfectly new condition and so “vintage” looking I could make a fortune in an antique shop or sell it for top dollar on Craig’s List;)
Oh, Nicole! The sticky plastic covered couch! You just brought me back to my (Italian) grandmother’s house in Poughkeepsie, where she’d braid our hair and wrap the end in a rubber band until we had tears in our eyes. Speaking of tears… I, too, had them the day after the election. Mostly during the concession speeches. Like Laura, I was nauseous and couldn’t sleep much the night of the election. When I did manage to dose off, I had nightmares about it and woke up to a feeling of grief and heartbreak deep in my gut. So, the tears came pretty easily the next day. (On election night, I had to hold it together for my son, who’d called from his dorm in despair.) Although I’m trying to stay positive, the sadness still lingers a bit. But that’s probably because of my recent insomnia, worsened (well, caused) by the stress of my mother-in-law’s 11-day visit. Can you say overstay?
Yes! The couch. I think my Jewish grandparents had a plastic cover, too. For me, the most evocative thing in their house was the bowl of hard candies that had mostly gone soft and chewy. Sometimes you’d get a butterscotch one, but mostly it was pineapple and that clear peppermint nobody wanted left in the bowl.
A member of my Italy workshop wrote a fabulous little essay about her grandparents’ plastic-covered couch that smelled of cigarettes and stuck to her legs when she napped and watched Yankee games.
This is all off topic, but writing right now is everything! Loving these memories you two left in the comments.
I had to deactivate my Facebook last night. Instead of subjecting myself to constant reminders of the horror found on my newsfeed, I pulled out puzzles, my anatomy flash cards, and a “learn to read App” and educated my daughter for the next 2 hours. Then, put her to bed and wrote…a lot. It felt good to write again. Thank you for sharing Laura.
Puzzles! Analog is really handy right now. So is writing. Thank YOU!
Thank you for this. ❤️
My “Toll House cookie” of choice has been the Ellen Degeneres Show, a glass of wine, and dark chocolate. Your post makes me think Ellen would feel better if I eat cookies. (I’m preheating the oven, Ellen!)
Surprisingly I felt the same way. No sadness, just numb while my friends were riddled with temporary anxiety and depression (fingers crossed on the temporary). Love your rhetoric and perspective. Hopeful for the future and that his hate was just smoke & screens!
Subbie 4 Life 🙂
Hate like that can hardly be smoke and screens, but maybe now that it doesn’t serve his purpose of being liked and admired, he’ll put it away.
I couldn’t sleep the first night, either. I grabbed a book and read until dawn. It didn’t change anything. The day felt like a family member had unexpectedly died and the grieving continues.
A book – so smart! I always grab my ipad and go to FB, which doesn’t do much for sleeping.
Not sure how we get from gut-punched, confused numbness to any kind of optimism, but maybe, just maybe we can – together. You are not alone!
I’m naturally optimistic. I think I’m used to things going right, though.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for reading it!