Halloween is almost here!
Does that excite me? No, it scares me. Here’s why:
There’s extra adrenaline in the air on Halloween. People are buzzed on candy and sexual possibilities. People like that, in a crowd, are trampling and suffocation waiting to happen. My fear of getting crushed to death gets a spooky holiday twist, and becomes fear of getting crushed to death by an army of sexy nurses.
“Getting fat” might be top of my list of fears. Ask me if I’d rather gain 300 pounds or be a deaf, blind, double amputee. I’ll probably pick “gain 300 pounds”, but only because, as an amputee, I wouldn’t be able to exercise and would therefore end up getting fat anyway. Though I wouldn’t have to worry about it going to my thighs.
People yelling “whoooo!” outside the window all night. I don’t blame them; they’re at a banquet of willing, slutty nurses and mini Twix bars. But they keep me from sleeping, and I’m terrified of being tired the next day. I can’t be the only one. Isn’t that what freaks you out when you can’t get to sleep? It’s not that now, you have to get up and watch TV or troll facebook for someone else who’s up. It’s the knowledge that you’ll be wrecked and miserable all day. It’s not so bad if the next day is a Saturday or Sunday. But having to push through the tired and work when all you want is a nap is the worst.
Now that I’ve covered why Halloween scares me, I’ll honor the holiday with a positively SPOOKTACULAR list of my other fears.
My top fears:
I don’t know why I’m so afraid of them. It’s not like they can kill you. If they could, we’d all be dead – because think how many ghosts out there are ghosts of serial killers. With their power to go anywhere without being seen, they wouldn’t even need a windowless van to get away with their murderous shenanigans. They’d be having a field day.
So why are ghosts scary? I don’t know. I feel like they’re spying on me. Especially in the bathroom. And, I’ve never experienced it, but I dread the icy chill people describe feeling when they walk through a ghost. I don’t like being cold.
I know I’m not unique in this one. Every time I take off in a plane, I have to calm my fear of going down by repeating to myself, “Same chances as winning the lottery. Same chances as winning the lottery.” I could also say “Same chances as being struck by lightning,” but the lightning thing seems not so unlikely…
I remember many instances of playing around in a lake, ocean, or pool, hearing thunder, and paddling to safety in a splashy panic as my mother gestured frantically with her arms. She’d cup her hands around her mouth and yell words I couldn’t hear, but understood to be: “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!”
I’m not scared of the birds themselves. I’m scared of their poop. I’m scared shitless. Ha! And you should be, too. Poop that drops from the sky??! That is something to fear, my friend. Did you ever see the birdshit scene in High Anxiety? It’s a parody of The Birds, but, to me, much scarier. Yes, I’d rather have my eyes plucked out than get pooped on.
When I’m walking and see a bunch of birdshit on the ground, I cover my head and run. There’s always more where that came from. If a bird poops on your head, I’m sorry: It is not good luck. It’s a mess in your hair.
Although: I learned in science class that bird poop is made of urea, which actually makes it solid pee. So, if a bird ever does poop in my hair, I will curl up in a ball and whisper to myself over and over, “It’s just urine. It’s just urine.” I think that will be comforting.
You know that question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?” Um. Lots of things. People say failing never killed anyone. Really? What about when you fail at skydiving? But I’m more afraid of the kind of failure you have to live through. Failure sucks! It’s so embarrassing.
Having no ideas.
This correlates with the above fear, failure. I chose a line of work where you always have to have a new idea. It’s very scary, because sometimes you don’t. And then, you find yourself using a hack word like “spooktacular.” And saying, “I hate myself.”
This is my absulute Number One. How are people not afraid of fire? Don’t you know how easy it is to catch on fire and burn to death? It amazes me that people will say, “oh, don’t kiss me if you have a cold” but they’re happy to get near a candle, which, unlike a stupid cold germ, can spread all over your body and kill you instantly. Not the candle itself. The flame. You know what I mean.
When I was watching Lost, I couldn’t get past all those supposedly normal castaways walking through the jungle with flaming torches. I wanted to yell at them, “YOU IDIOT! LOOK HOW CLOSE THAT FLAME IS TO YOUR HAIR!”
And how can children like playing with matches? How are they not scared shitless? Maybe they never saw what I saw, which was a 1st-grade classmate’s hair catching on fire from a cupcake on her own birthday, just as she was making a wish. I can still smell the burnt hair.
Sometimes I get a psychic feeling that burning to death is how I’m going to leave this world. And then I remember, with great relief, that I’m not at all psychic. Still, I don’t like to take chances. I really hope no friend of mine will ever catch on fire in front of me, because I can’t be that hero who tackles them to the ground and pats out the flames with my own arms. Just lettin’ you all know, in case you’re thinking of playing with matches around me. I’m outta there.
What are your biggest fears? Tell me in the comments. And if you’re afraid of commenting, remember: it’s good to face your fears.