Enough enough enough holidays!
Don’t mind my grinchiness. Don’t get worried about me. I don’t have a dark past where I was given up to an uncaring, drunk foster mom with a greasy boyfriend on Chanukah, or where we noticed a stink in the house after Daddy went missing on Christmas morning, and then found him stuffed and rotting in his santa suit inside the chimney. Was that from Gremlins? Nice kids’ movie.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on Christmas was that I never got a real, arcade Pac Man or Donkey Kong machine.
I don’t have any reason to hate the holidays, except that:
1) The days are short and lack of sunshine makes me sleep till 10 am which makes me feel bad about myself which makes me turn the anger on your favorite Judeo-Christian traditions, especially the expectation that we all KICK ASS IN THE NEW YEAR — hello, it’s the least likely time of the year for me to feel like kicking ass. Can we kick ass during some month when the sun sets at night instead of in the middle of Ellen?
2) They’re boring. The subject of them is boring. Everyone with their same experiences: Tree is up! Shopping crunch! Holiday weight gain! Any big plans? You going away? Oh that sounds like fun, enjoy! New year, new you! Looking back at 2014!
(Though I did just watch Kelly and Michael’s Top Moments of 2014 countdown, and I have to say I join America in loving the moment where they surprised Mandy Patinkin, AKA Saul from Homeland, with his ex girlfriends. He kissed them both on the mouth, which was hot because I have decided that Mandy Patinkin is hot. You have to be, to get by with the name Mandy when you’re a boy. Also, to pull off the “orthodox-rabbi-esque CIA agent who can snap a man’s neck” look.)
I hate the calendar. I wish it would go away.
I hate all the parts of it where we all have to do and talk about the same thing. Birthdays are fine because everyone has a different one, though thanks to Facebook, it’s now everybody’s birthday every single day so I’m done with those, too.
I think I scared the O Cafe guy this morning.
As he rang up my iced coffee and asked how my holidays were going, I barely managed to get through the “what are you doing for New Years” conversation. I said my plans, he said his plans, and then, as he turned around the screen for me to sign with my finger, I said,
“I’m just excited for them to be done. I can’t wait till January First.”
HIM: Oh yeah, New Year, New You?
ME: No! Not even! I’m not doing that! I just want the calendar stuff to be over! No more calendar! No more calendar! No! No calendar.
I often tell them to add more ice, or please pour out some coffee because I said I need room for milk, but I don’t usually yell “NO CALENDAR!” He wasn’t sure what to do with that one. No one is. No one has suspended the calendar. No one has made it permanent June, no matter how many times I ask.
On a completely unrelated note, because I’m bored of myself and my calendar hating…
I have a great idea for a sitcom.
The Mandy Project. Mandy Patinkin plays a similar version of himself, named Mandy Pachinko (like the Japanese pinball machine that I got for Christmas one year, not at all like real pinball) or Mandy Potemkin (runs a car dealership?) working and looking for love in the big city, with a little help (and interference!) from his quirky group of friends. James Franco guest stars as his crazy neighbor.
Are you done with holidays?
Do you hate or love the calendar?
Do you find Saul hot?
Will you watch The Mandy Project?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.