It’s a slow news week here at Talking Shrimp.
Or, I should say, a slow think week. I never have much in the way of news, but I often have thoughts. This week, not many. I just realized why:
It’s because I’m so busy rethinking my pretzel.
Pretzel Crisps — which are my new favorite snack now that I’ve OD’d on the dangerously addictive and fatty Stacy’s Pita chips — told me to. The bag commands, “Rethink your pretzel!”
I’m no one to disobey a snack-food tagline. I also comply with Taco Bell’s orders to “Think Outside the Bun” ™ So I’m rethinking.
And wow, I realize now that I’ve been totally closed-minded about my pretzel.
To me, the pretzel has always been:
a) the gigantic, doughy thing you get at the hotdog cart when you’re cold or ravenous, and then regret because it’s more calories than an H&H bagel, or
b) the small, crunchy twist, rod, or nugget that comes in batches in a bag and, according to every women’s magazine, is a great substitute for potato chips. (It is not.)
But now that I rethink it, I guess a pretzel is whatever you want it to be.
Sure, why not: a pretzel is a 2-dimensional cracker that looks like the shadow of a pretzel. That’s reasonable. Or maybe a pretzel is a loaf of sliced bread. Or a can of tuna. Or a gorilla. Who says a gorilla isn’t a pretzel?
Who says your big toe isn’t a pretzel?
I say it is, because I’m rethinking it. Watch out, don’t stub your pretzel.
Now, here’s my problem:
The bag also says that these pretzel crisps are “deli style.” Really? Isn’t that code for “traditional”? I thought I was supposed to rethink my pretzel, and now you’re telling me that it’s the old-timey kind I get with a pastrami sandwich, along with the dill pickle spear. Do I have to rethink my deli, too?
I guess I do. A deli can be a tapas bar. Or a tattoo parlor. Or a tube of toothpaste.
Dear Crest, how’d a big toe get in my toothpaste?
This exercise is really stretching my mind.
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Doesn't the fact that they're asking us to “rethink” the pretzel imply that we were “thinking the pretzel” in the first place? I've eaten a pretzel, craved a pretzel, and now that there's an Auntie Anne's here in Japanland I've even rejoiced a pretzel (theoretically – haven't actually made it to the shop yet. I just like knowing it's there). But I can't say I've ever “thought” a pretzel. Though I fear my brain might be turning into one.
Doesn’t the fact that they’re asking us to “rethink” the pretzel imply that we were “thinking the pretzel” in the first place? I’ve eaten a pretzel, craved a pretzel, and now that there’s an Auntie Anne’s here in Japanland I’ve even rejoiced a pretzel (theoretically – haven’t actually made it to the shop yet. I just like knowing it’s there). But I can’t say I’ve ever “thought” a pretzel. Though I fear my brain might be turning into one.
Eating a pretzel will never be the same again. If it gets eaten at all. Staring at the twisty parts and salt specks as I rethink it may obsess me. Shit, sucking the salt off of it while I'm rethinking may work!
I could tell you were a salt sucker!
Eating a pretzel will never be the same again. If it gets eaten at all. Staring at the twisty parts and salt specks as I rethink it may obsess me. Shit, sucking the salt off of it while I’m rethinking may work!
I could tell you were a salt sucker!
That is one gorilla of a funny blog post, LB! It's totally twisted! And I mean that in a good way. I'm rethinking everything now! It's great!
Hey, thanks, Cuz! Ha. Totally twisted. I just got that. I rethunk so hard, I forgot pretzels were twisted.
That is one gorilla of a funny blog post, LB! It’s totally twisted! And I mean that in a good way. I’m rethinking everything now! It’s great!
Hey, thanks, Cuz! Ha. Totally twisted. I just got that. I rethunk so hard, I forgot pretzels were twisted.
Totally right. I bought a snack, not another “to-do” item. No, YOU re-think my pretzel, Pretzel Crisps, I'm busy, er, watching TV.
Are cheetos fattening — I used to love them; choke on that, fatty Stacy’s Pita chips.
Yeah, Pretzel Crisps. Rethink THIS! (holding up middle finger).
Cheetos are fattening, but not if you rethink them as slimming.
Totally right. I bought a snack, not another “to-do” item. No, YOU re-think my pretzel, Pretzel Crisps, I’m busy, er, watching TV.
Are cheetos fattening — I used to love them; choke on that, fatty Stacy’s Pita chips.
Yeah, Pretzel Crisps. Rethink THIS! (holding up middle finger).
Cheetos are fattening, but not if you rethink them as slimming.
This is the second time since discovering your posts that I am literally crying/laughing and falling out of my chair reading it. And there is no one here with me, so I'm not even doing it for the effect. I'm even slightly embarrassed by how much I am laughing and wondering if it is some sort of weird stress release response…
You know those questionnaires in magazines where they ask celebrities who they would like to be re-incarnated as? I can never think of what my answer will be when I am famous. Now I think I might say you.
I'm embarrassed by how much your comment is going to my head! I just turned totally conceited. So you might not want to come back as me, unless you can pretend to be humble so people will like you.
Thanks for the compliment!
I love Pretzel Crisps and just finished a bag! My one problem with them? But why do they have to be made by “The Snack Factory?” Now I'm in a mall in Des Moines.
I don't know why, but “snack factory” sounds dirty. Have you tried pretzel crisps with temptee cream cheese? Let me tell you, if you gave me a cheese plate with 5 high-end cheeses and a blob of temptee on it, I'd believe that temptee was the most expensive one.
This is the second time since discovering your posts that I am literally crying/laughing and falling out of my chair reading it. And there is no one here with me, so I’m not even doing it for the effect. I’m even slightly embarrassed by how much I am laughing and wondering if it is some sort of weird stress release response…
You know those questionnaires in magazines where they ask celebrities who they would like to be re-incarnated as? I can never think of what my answer will be when I am famous. Now I think I might say you.
I’m embarrassed by how much your comment is going to my head! I just turned totally conceited. So you might not want to come back as me, unless you can pretend to be humble so people will like you.
Thanks for the compliment!
I love Pretzel Crisps and just finished a bag! My one problem with them? They’re made by “The Snack Factory” Now I’m in a mall in Des Moines.
I don’t know why, but “snack factory” sounds dirty. Have you tried pretzel crisps with temptee cream cheese? Let me tell you, if you gave me a cheese plate with 5 high-end cheeses and a blob of temptee on it, I’d believe that temptee was the most expensive one.
I spend far too little time here.
Dill pickles are ok. Not a big fan of sweet pickles. Who ever thought putting sugar into vinegar was a good idea? BTW, nobody has just one tattoo. Maybe just one *visible* tattoo. Thought you should know that. It’s a cool fact. Pickle tattoos, however, are not very common. Much less common than, say, hidden lightning bolts. (I swear it’s true, even though I didn’t look.)
Have you ever had the chocolate covered ones?
Sweet pickles should be shot. They’re disgusting. No one has just one tattoo – is that you rethinking the tattoo as a potato chip? I can see why pickle tattoos might not work out. They wouldn’t read, necessarily, as “pickle.”