It’s a slow news week here at Talking Shrimp.
Or, I should say, a slow think week. I never have much in the way of news, but I often have thoughts. This week, not many. I just realized why:
It’s because I’m so busy rethinking my pretzel.
Pretzel Crisps — which are my new favorite snack now that I’ve OD’d on the dangerously addictive and fatty Stacy’s Pita chips — told me to. The bag commands, “Rethink your pretzel!”
I’m no one to disobey a snack-food tagline. I also comply with Taco Bell’s orders to “Think Outside the Bun” ™ So I’m rethinking.
And wow, I realize now that I’ve been totally closed-minded about my pretzel.
To me, the pretzel has always been:
a) the gigantic, doughy thing you get at the hotdog cart when you’re cold or ravenous, and then regret because it’s more calories than an H&H bagel, or
b) the small, crunchy twist, rod, or nugget that comes in batches in a bag and, according to every women’s magazine, is a great substitute for potato chips. (It is not.)
But now that I rethink it, I guess a pretzel is whatever you want it to be.
Sure, why not: a pretzel is a 2-dimensional cracker that looks like the shadow of a pretzel. That’s reasonable. Or maybe a pretzel is a loaf of sliced bread. Or a can of tuna. Or a gorilla. Who says a gorilla isn’t a pretzel?
Who says your big toe isn’t a pretzel?
I say it is, because I’m rethinking it. Watch out, don’t stub your pretzel.
Now, here’s my problem:
The bag also says that these pretzel crisps are “deli style.” Really? Isn’t that code for “traditional”? I thought I was supposed to rethink my pretzel, and now you’re telling me that it’s the old-timey kind I get with a pastrami sandwich, along with the dill pickle spear. Do I have to rethink my deli, too?
I guess I do. A deli can be a tapas bar. Or a tattoo parlor. Or a tube of toothpaste.
Dear Crest, how’d a big toe get in my toothpaste?
This exercise is really stretching my mind.