All the blogs on blogging say that to “create value” in your content, you should listen to your readers:
What are they saying in the comments? What questions are they asking? Answer them!
I couldn’t really find any questions in the comments, so I reached out to you and asked what you wanted to know. Here are answers to those SAQs. I hope they provide you with lots of valuable value.
“If you could have your own robot butler with the face of a 70s TV star, who would it be?” – Patrick T.
I would pick TV’s Grant Goodeve, because when he was David on Eight is Enough, I thought he was the most handsomest person ever. But once I got him home from the robot butler store, I’d have buyer’s remorse because I’d realize that Grant Goodeve was really just 70s handsome, not current-day handsome. (In the 70s, piercing eyes and a tiny nose were what passed for good-looking.)
I’d think about trading him for Vicky from Love Boat. I thought she was The Shit. She didn’t have to go to school, she just got to hang out with any other pre-teen who was on the ship that episode. But you know what? Scratch that. I bet Vicky’s face wasn’t as cute as I remember, either.
Plus, it’s hard to find good help, and as long as Grant-Goodeve-Faced Robot Butler doesn’t give me lip when I ask him to unpack my steamer trunk or wash my cereal bowl, I don’t care that he’s cheesy looking. I’m happy with that choice. That is, assuming you don’t have to buy the Dick “No Upper Lip” Van Patten robot butler along with him. That’s a deal breaker.
“Should I fake my orgasms?” – Sacha E.
No. You should have real ones, but stifle them. You’re an especially loud faker and it scares the other passengers on the bus. Especially the children.
“What new jeans should I get?” – Alison P.
You should buy this season’s wide-legged jeans, and kick yourself for throwing out the ones you had before skinny jeans were in. What did you think, skinny jeans were all we’d wear till the End of Days? Bet you thought that in 1990, when they were called “tapered.” You never learn, do you?
“Should I write a blog post where I answer peoples questions? :)” – Rich B.
According to the United States Blogging Czar, you should. You know, to “create value.” But I’d rather you didn’t, because I don’t like it when people copy me. Ask my sister, who used to copy what I wore and what flavor ice cream I ordered. Watch, she’ll probably get a Grant Goodeve robot butler now. My god, get a life.
“Oddly enough, I have the exact same question I just heard a character ask on TV: Is THAT what your’re wearing to the hospital to visit Dad?” – Bob H.
If you mean these ill-fitting short shorts and dirty bra, the answer is yes. Whenever my dad’s in the hospital – which he has been a few times now – I like to dress like a total skank and make his roommate think he ordered a low-rent hooker. Why low-rent? Because my dad doesn’t believe in purchases where you’re “paying for the rent.”
Another thing I like to wear when I visit him is two huge pieces of rye bread and some mustard, so he thinks, “Finally! The corned beef sandwich I’ve been asking for all week. Gee, it’s so big, I could’ve ordered just a half with a cup of borscht.”
“Is THIS your card?” – Rob R.
No. It’s my nose. Looks like someone needs another summer at Magic Camp.
“Should women hug or handshake? Just been thinking about this lately…” -Hannah M.
One woman should go in for the handshake, and the other for a hug. The handshaker should say “Oh! OK” as she switches to hug mode. And then to complete the hug, they’ll kiss. That’s when one of them tries to make it a double kiss, which totally flusters the other so she laughs, “Oh, right! European!” even though neither of them is European. She tries to comply by going for the other cheek but they bump noses.
I think greetings should always be as awkward as possible.
“What should I look for in a good nap?” – Paul A.
A good nap starts during daylight but ends when it’s already gotten dark out, so that you’re disoriented and sheepish when you wake up. And then, you should say “Wow, I really needed that nap” to justify it to someone who doesn’t give a shit.
“You want shodah massaaage?” – Marian B. (My sis)
No, but my sister does. She wants to put her face in the humiliating and bacteria-laden red donut cushion, in front of everyone who walks through this part of the mall. Meanwhile, I’ll be over at Orange Julius, and then I’m going to look for some slimming black pants I can wear to parties.
“Laura, did you give Marie Forleo the idea for her Rich, Happy, and Hot business model?” – Liz P.
Not that I’m aware of, but I’ll have to look through my records and make sure. Because if it turns out that I did, then I’m going to ask for my piece of the action. Time to pony up.
“One of my French students was describing an experience she had with a “shouting sheep”. What does that sound like?” – Alissa V.
Well, to a French person it sounds like “BAAAAAA!” But to us it would sound like “Yes, I speak Eengleesh, how can I help you?” Because that’s what they always say to me in France when I try to speak French. They don’t shout it, but I feel like I’m being hollered at because there’s more than a hint of reprimand in their tone.
“What would you write a movie script about?” – @yourgreatlifetv
One of these three things, which are definitely not autobiographical:
- A 30-ish, Upper West Side Jewish woman who’s so desperate for free salsa lessons that she gets into a relationship with her much older, hugely fat, married, mustachioed, sociopathic salsa instructor
- A similar character, slightly older, whose friend invites her to come to a “workshop” which turns out to be, in essence, a cult. It takes her a year and a half and one very creepy, weeklong “workshop” in Costa Rica to figure that out.
- A twist on the movie “Arthur,” where the main character is a female (much like the ones above) living in a mansion with her robot butler, a cantankerous chap with the face of Grant Goodeve. They’re opposite personalities who drive each other crazy, but teach one another the meaning of true friendship.
“Do you like garlic?” – @edgaile
Yes, but I hate garlic breath and all the other unpleasant side effects. Ever stood next to someone with garlic coming out of their pores? When that’s me, I look at myself in the mirror and sneer, “You disgust me.” Luckily, I discovered Breath Assure, which neutralizes garlic in your bloodstream. They should call it Sweat Assure, because worse than garlic breath is garlic sweat, and it prevents that, too. It really works. (Not a paid endorsement.)
“Where is the best place you ever had shrimp?” – @rebeccakellog
That’d be in the butt, Bob. JK. I’ll tell you the best place I ever didn’t have shrimp: Beefsteak Charlie’s. They had a bottomless shrimp bowl, but I was much more interested in the prime rib with mushroom sauce. What made this place “the best” is that it had video games. Centipede and Pacman.
“What’s the favorite project you worked on for branding/creative-marketing? Why?” – @djbressler
Facts of Life Unhidden Mysteries. Because it involved watching episode after episode of Facts of Life. Do you know what a dream come true that was? I once made my mom schedule Thanksgiving dinner really late so it wouldn’t conflict with a rerun of the 2-hour special, Facts of Life Go to Paris. Best TV event ever.
BLAIR: French clothes, French perfume…
TOOTIE: And a French boyfriend!
They should do a remake with shouting sheep.
OK, your turn.
Have your own answer to any of these questions? Or have your own question? Tell me or ask me in the comments below! You can also have your robot butler comment for you.
I’ll answer your new questions in a future post. Bring ’em.
Dear Laura,
Thank you for your words of advice — I find them abrasive and uplifting. I laughed so hard that I LITERALLY lost all control of my bowels and made a mess in my office.
Here is my question: Is it true that I can eat my weight in cake and still shed my baby fat before summer? (Does it matter what kind of cake!?!?!?!?)
You are welcome, Dudley P. When I read here that you literally soiled yourself, I LITERALLY had a cow. I’m planning to answer your cake question in another post. But hold off until then – that’s all I’m going to say. Don’t start your cake binge till you have the proper information.
Thank you for answering my question! Wide Legs, it’ll be. I’m happy to report I still have a pair – it was only like 5 years ago that they were back for a spell. But of course they’re not exactly right, so I’ll have to get another. TopShop actually has a section for tapered jeans, though they’re not our tapered style (hand-cut and sewn to hug my chubby adolescent calves). These are baggy and Pandemonium – style, and some have pleats. Pleats! Am I gonna be going back to pleats?
Don’t say “never” about pleats, because that’s what we all said about skinny jeans. I’m intrigued by the prospect of Pandemonium-style pants. Do they smell like fish? They’re not really Pandemonium-style if they don’t have the scent of Citarella from next door. And they have to come with a Betty Boop pin.
You got me in with the nap tweet…and OMG, you’ve been peeking in my window. How else did you know I say that?
I have not been peeking in your window. I resent that. I have a teddy bear camera planted on your bookshelf.
Laura,
Are you aware of what tomorrow (Friday, March 18th) is?? It’s “Awkward Moments Day”. A perfect day to really try out that hug/handshake thing. (you know, for you…and the women reading here) (wait: I’m sure this could qualify as awkward if two guys did it, too…)
Do I use too many parentheses??
…and may the 18th of March be filled with much awkwardness for ALL of us (I’m all for celebrations…and parentheses…)
For real, Lance? There’s a special day for it? Who started it, and why March 18th? If I’d known, I would’ve put up an advent calendar with a different awkward moment behind each window.
You have an awkward Awkward day, too!
For real!!! Hmmm….now, how can I create some awkwardness today?!!?!?
Oh…and fyi…next Tuesday: it’s International Goof-Off Day (I am NOT making this stuff up!!)!! I’m definitely in on that one, too!!
May today’s awkward moments be celebrated (hmmm….maybe with cupcakes!)!
The French – Parisians – do reprimand and reproach so well. Sort of like the Russians do contempt and disgust.
Love that Dry Look. *shudder*
Where’s the video?
Wait, say wha? What Dry Look? What video?
The Dry Look? That’s that 70s hair you had a crush on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0hFpO19ecA
I definitely don’t want a shodah massaaage either! Especially if it involves that fist banging technique that always bruises my shins when I get a pedicure. Still dying laughing about the “‘Wow I really needed that nap’ just to justify it to someone who doesn’t give a shit!”
the nap was my loudest and longest laugh as well. hahahahah!
Wow, I guess everyone has my same nap ritual!
Oh man, I hate that pummeling! I always tell them, “no massage” – both because it’s abusive, and because I don’t ever have time for that nonsense. Just paint my damn toenails. I’ll rub lotion on my own calves, and bruise them myself by walking into the bed frame, thanks.
Crying laughing! I don’t think I’ll do anything today which is as fun as reading your blog post! Except now I have The Facts of Life theme song in my head which is not so fun.
Come on, it is so fun. When yer books are what yer there about but looks are whatchya care about….
I really like that I showed up 2x in this post. Come by later for your check.
I really like that I showed up 2x in this post. Come by later for your check.
I will! I just remembered that I came up with the idea of hotness in general. So I have to go collect from a lot of people.
Cannot…stop..laughing…”to justify it to someone who doesn’t give a shit.”
My question: who puts the lint in my bellybutton? I can be awake for 24 hours straight and never notice it being placed there.
Oh, good question! I will investigate and get back to you in my next SAQ post.
I have to announce that a notable Australian scientist known to everyone as Dr Karl (because no-one can pronounce Kruszelnicki) actually found that one out, and wrote a paper on the subject that was awarded an Ig Nobel prize.
So proud… of my country…
Holy flug (my dad’s word for bellybutton lint)! You’re actually not kidding.
I’m actually not! Dr Karl is AWESOME.
You make me laugh, despite me not having a clue what you’re talking about 30% of the time.
Seriously – I’m having one of those wonderful and rare top-of-the-bladder-tickling attacks that precedes a joyous yelp.
So, my questions, so that I can out-and-out roar with with mirth:
1. Who is Grant Goodeve?
2. What is Eight is Enough?
3. Ditto Vicky and Loveboat.
4. What is Magic Camp, shodah and Orange Julius?
I look forward to your answers as a poor alternative to visiting the US and catching up on 30+ years of cultural backstory.
You make me laugh, despite me not having a clue what you’re talking about 30% of the time.
Seriously – I’m having one of those wonderful and rare top-of-the-bladder-tickling attacks that precedes a joyous yelp.
So, my questions, so that I can out-and-out roar with with mirth:
1. Who is Grant Goodeve?
2. What is Eight is Enough?
3. Ditto Vicky and Loveboat.
4. What is Magic Camp, shodah and Orange Julius?
I look forward to your answers as a poor alternative to visiting the US and catching up on 30+ years of cultural backstory.
MK, you always good give comment. I, too, have a ticklish bladder.
These questions demand immediate answer. I won’t make you wait till next post.
1. Grant Goodeve is the head of my robot butler. But he played David, the oldest Bradford sibling, on Eight is Enough, which was:
2. A 1-hour comedy/drama popular in the 70s. The premise: a madcap but loving family of 8 people. We knew they were loving because the theme song told us that “Eight is enough…to fill our lives with love!”
3. Come on. Love Boat never made it across the pond? It should have, it was a boat. A much loved one-hour comedy that was a guest star vehicle for every entertainment has-been under the sun. Each week, different has-beens would meet on board and fall in love, in between stops to buy sombreros and pinatas in “beautiful Puerto Vallarta.” The main characters were the ship’s crew, which included a bursar named Gopher and Captain Stubing’s impish daughter, Vicki. With an “i”, I now realize.
4. Kids who are die-hard magic geeks go to a special camp in the summer to learn how to saw ladies in half.
– “Shodah” is “shoulder” with an Asian accent. In most malls and street fairs, there’s a Korean guy trying to grab you as you walk buy and wrestle you into his massage chair, even as you shake your head “no” to his offer of “Shodah massage?”
– Orange Julius is another fixture in most suburban malls. They serve an eponymous orange drink. It has no more nutritional value than other orange drink.
Brilliant. Much clearer now. I was born in 1980, so may have missed Love Boat, which could well have made it across the pond.
Plus, I was discouraged from watching TV as a kid. My parents invited me to “go and play with the traffic” each time I needed some entertainment …
Oh, I didn’t realize you were such a youngster. You’re deceptively mogul-ish. Maybe playing hopscotch in the middle of the highway builds character.