All the blogs on blogging say that to “create value” in your content, you should listen to your readers:
What are they saying in the comments? What questions are they asking? Answer them!
I couldn’t really find any questions in the comments, so I reached out to you and asked what you wanted to know. Here are answers to those SAQs. I hope they provide you with lots of valuable value.
“If you could have your own robot butler with the face of a 70s TV star, who would it be?” – Patrick T.
I would pick TV’s Grant Goodeve, because when he was David on Eight is Enough, I thought he was the most handsomest person ever. But once I got him home from the robot butler store, I’d have buyer’s remorse because I’d realize that Grant Goodeve was really just 70s handsome, not current-day handsome. (In the 70s, piercing eyes and a tiny nose were what passed for good-looking.)
I’d think about trading him for Vicky from Love Boat. I thought she was The Shit. She didn’t have to go to school, she just got to hang out with any other pre-teen who was on the ship that episode. But you know what? Scratch that. I bet Vicky’s face wasn’t as cute as I remember, either.
Plus, it’s hard to find good help, and as long as Grant-Goodeve-Faced Robot Butler doesn’t give me lip when I ask him to unpack my steamer trunk or wash my cereal bowl, I don’t care that he’s cheesy looking. I’m happy with that choice. That is, assuming you don’t have to buy the Dick “No Upper Lip” Van Patten robot butler along with him. That’s a deal breaker.
“Should I fake my orgasms?” – Sacha E.
No. You should have real ones, but stifle them. You’re an especially loud faker and it scares the other passengers on the bus. Especially the children.
“What new jeans should I get?” – Alison P.
You should buy this season’s wide-legged jeans, and kick yourself for throwing out the ones you had before skinny jeans were in. What did you think, skinny jeans were all we’d wear till the End of Days? Bet you thought that in 1990, when they were called “tapered.” You never learn, do you?
“Should I write a blog post where I answer peoples questions? :)” – Rich B.
According to the United States Blogging Czar, you should. You know, to “create value.” But I’d rather you didn’t, because I don’t like it when people copy me. Ask my sister, who used to copy what I wore and what flavor ice cream I ordered. Watch, she’ll probably get a Grant Goodeve robot butler now. My god, get a life.
“Oddly enough, I have the exact same question I just heard a character ask on TV: Is THAT what your’re wearing to the hospital to visit Dad?” – Bob H.
If you mean these ill-fitting short shorts and dirty bra, the answer is yes. Whenever my dad’s in the hospital – which he has been a few times now – I like to dress like a total skank and make his roommate think he ordered a low-rent hooker. Why low-rent? Because my dad doesn’t believe in purchases where you’re “paying for the rent.”
Another thing I like to wear when I visit him is two huge pieces of rye bread and some mustard, so he thinks, “Finally! The corned beef sandwich I’ve been asking for all week. Gee, it’s so big, I could’ve ordered just a half with a cup of borscht.”
“Is THIS your card?” – Rob R.
No. It’s my nose. Looks like someone needs another summer at Magic Camp.
“Should women hug or handshake? Just been thinking about this lately…” -Hannah M.
One woman should go in for the handshake, and the other for a hug. The handshaker should say “Oh! OK” as she switches to hug mode. And then to complete the hug, they’ll kiss. That’s when one of them tries to make it a double kiss, which totally flusters the other so she laughs, “Oh, right! European!” even though neither of them is European. She tries to comply by going for the other cheek but they bump noses.
I think greetings should always be as awkward as possible.
“What should I look for in a good nap?” – Paul A.
A good nap starts during daylight but ends when it’s already gotten dark out, so that you’re disoriented and sheepish when you wake up. And then, you should say “Wow, I really needed that nap” to justify it to someone who doesn’t give a shit.
“You want shodah massaaage?” – Marian B. (My sis)
No, but my sister does. She wants to put her face in the humiliating and bacteria-laden red donut cushion, in front of everyone who walks through this part of the mall. Meanwhile, I’ll be over at Orange Julius, and then I’m going to look for some slimming black pants I can wear to parties.
“Laura, did you give Marie Forleo the idea for her Rich, Happy, and Hot business model?” – Liz P.
Not that I’m aware of, but I’ll have to look through my records and make sure. Because if it turns out that I did, then I’m going to ask for my piece of the action. Time to pony up.
“One of my French students was describing an experience she had with a “shouting sheep”. What does that sound like?” – Alissa V.
Well, to a French person it sounds like “BAAAAAA!” But to us it would sound like “Yes, I speak Eengleesh, how can I help you?” Because that’s what they always say to me in France when I try to speak French. They don’t shout it, but I feel like I’m being hollered at because there’s more than a hint of reprimand in their tone.
“What would you write a movie script about?” – @yourgreatlifetv
One of these three things, which are definitely not autobiographical:
- A 30-ish, Upper West Side Jewish woman who’s so desperate for free salsa lessons that she gets into a relationship with her much older, hugely fat, married, mustachioed, sociopathic salsa instructor
- A similar character, slightly older, whose friend invites her to come to a “workshop” which turns out to be, in essence, a cult. It takes her a year and a half and one very creepy, weeklong “workshop” in Costa Rica to figure that out.
- A twist on the movie “Arthur,” where the main character is a female (much like the ones above) living in a mansion with her robot butler, a cantankerous chap with the face of Grant Goodeve. They’re opposite personalities who drive each other crazy, but teach one another the meaning of true friendship.
“Do you like garlic?” – @edgaile
Yes, but I hate garlic breath and all the other unpleasant side effects. Ever stood next to someone with garlic coming out of their pores? When that’s me, I look at myself in the mirror and sneer, “You disgust me.” Luckily, I discovered Breath Assure, which neutralizes garlic in your bloodstream. They should call it Sweat Assure, because worse than garlic breath is garlic sweat, and it prevents that, too. It really works. (Not a paid endorsement.)
“Where is the best place you ever had shrimp?” – @rebeccakellog
That’d be in the butt, Bob. JK. I’ll tell you the best place I ever didn’t have shrimp: Beefsteak Charlie’s. They had a bottomless shrimp bowl, but I was much more interested in the prime rib with mushroom sauce. What made this place “the best” is that it had video games. Centipede and Pacman.
“What’s the favorite project you worked on for branding/creative-marketing? Why?” – @djbressler
Facts of Life Unhidden Mysteries. Because it involved watching episode after episode of Facts of Life. Do you know what a dream come true that was? I once made my mom schedule Thanksgiving dinner really late so it wouldn’t conflict with a rerun of the 2-hour special, Facts of Life Go to Paris. Best TV event ever.
BLAIR: French clothes, French perfume…
TOOTIE: And a French boyfriend!
They should do a remake with shouting sheep.
OK, your turn.
Have your own answer to any of these questions? Or have your own question? Tell me or ask me in the comments below! You can also have your robot butler comment for you.
I’ll answer your new questions in a future post. Bring ’em.