I’m the boss of me.
Which means…
1) I have the best boss!
2) I have the worst boss.
Best:
I’m letting me go on vacation tomorrow, so close to my last vacation. No guilt trip about how it’s “bad for company morale.” No warnings about how this is eating into my summer vacation, or requests to “remain accessible.”
Worst:
I get shat on all day long.
“I know I said you could come into work whatever time you want, but that’s an opportunity for you to show some motivation. Do you think you’re doing that by watching an episode of Walking Dead in bed when you could at least be reading the paper and expanding your narrow perspective on the world?”
“I see you on Facebook. Do we have to put up a fire wall?”
“Wow, snack time again. Is that brie part of the “creative process”? If it is, don’t you think you should at least put it on crackers like a human being?”
“You’re getting sloppy with your blog posting. I thought we agreed that was part of your job description.”
“Do we need to have another conversation about answering emails as they come in instead of keeping them as new even when you know the answer?”
“I’m not sure we’re on the same page about how one should dress for work. Is that a coffee stain, or part of the shirt’s irregular dye pattern?”
“Do you want to make more this year? If so, maybe you should keep your eye on the big picture and stop dicking around. Just curious: if you added up all the minutes you spent dicking around, how many hours a week would they add up to? We’re not done yet. Now let’s multiply that figure by 52. That’s how much more time you might as well have spent on the beach this year drinking pina coladas. I know, I know, you don’t drink pina coladas because they’re so fattening. You get my point. And isn’t it time you figured out the key stroke to put that squiggly over the n in pina coladas? How hard could it be? Again, details matter.”
“You know those people who come up with genius idea after genius idea? You’re not one of them.”
“Oh, I feel a sneeze coming. A–aaa–ch “*YOU SUCK!*”
“You know that thing I just reminded you to do? Here are five other things. You should do them all now. No wait, answer that email. Actually, make that doctor’s appointment, health is more important than anything. You idiot, why do you keep starting things and forgetting to finish them?”
“You’re so good at what you do. I’m sorry I don’t say that often enough. I promise to be more encouraging and focus on your strengths instead of your — hey, that was NOT your cue to go turn on the TV and eat the mini Twix you tried to hide from yourself in the scissors drawer. Pathetic. It’s a good thing I can’t fire you. HR won’t let me.”
You know what? When I get back from vacation, I’m telling my boss to go fuck herself.
Now you.
Are you the boss of you? If so, what kind of boss are you?
If not, what kind of boss would you make?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Christ we have the same boss. ::cries::
We do! Let’s quit together and start our own company. Oh wait. ::cries::
Oh, Laura. I feel so understood. Have I accidentally been webcasting my life continuously for the past 6 months (even the cheese which I just walk around the house nibbling at this point)? I always tell people that being self-employed is like taking 10 emotional roller coasters per day. Thanks for the entertaining read!
You haven’t, Rochelle. But I installed spyware that lets me watch you through your webcam. I like to call it the NibbleCam. What’s that you’re snacking on now? Gimme some.
Add to those rollercoasters a tilt-a-whirl and a Drop of Doom.
Even though I own my studio I can’t seem to feel like the boss of me, it’s something I should work on. I’m taking my second week away, one for winter holiday and one for continuing education. I feel uneasy because I feel like my clients and teachers are in charge. My boss should grow some balls and start pushing people around, nobody wants to work for a spineless sort. That said, I sure do get away with a lot.
At least your actual spine is nice and straight. So you’ve got that going.
Yes, boss needs to grow a set and be loved, but highly respected – with just a drop of fear. Says the one who does the exact opposite of what her boss says.
I’m an awesome boss in that I never force myself to set “sales goals” but also a terrible boss because I don’t force myself to do anything. Hey New Year New Me right? There’s still time.
Same with my boss. Abusive but way too lenient. Mixed messages!
Hasn’t changed yet, but hey, January’s only half over.
I am mostly my own boss which I really like and am not sure I would be able to work for someone else, unless I was in charge! My husband and I have been working together for many years. We are a good team because he is mostly the “idea” person and I am the lets keep us organized one.
We recently started a new company and just yesterday he asked me to write 3 checks and after doing so he looked at them and said “Oh I forgot they each need to be written out to another company”…I went crazy and said something I can’t write here, he said “Would you say that if you worked for someone else?” and my answer…”I would have quit by now” ha my daughter loved that one…
Make your boss pay you overtime for rewriting checks. That’s bogus.
I screw up every check I write and have to rip up at least 3 to get one right. Good thing that’s not what I do for work.
I love that you and your husband work together. Do you give him flexible hours for commercial auditions?
sshhh don’t tell my boss that I’m replying to your awesome blog post. If he found out, he’d tear me a new one!
(Also don’t show your boss “Whiplash” — she might be inspired by JK Simmons fantastic performance.)
I haven’t seen Whiplash, but I’ll never look at JK Simmons without picturing a prison mate shitting in his mouth on Oz. Epic.
“You know those people who come up with genius idea after genius idea? You’re not one of them.”
You don’t really think that, do you? I find it difficult to believe that someone as talented and accomplished as you continues to wrestle with the 800 lb. gorilla of self-doubt.
I mean, me I can understand.
But you? Seriously?
I keep telling that gorilla to lose some weight. But it continues to eat Ben and Jerry’s and sit on me.
Yup, me.
But thank you for the kind words!
See, we’ve all got it.
“I keep telling that gorilla to lose some weight. But it continues to eat Ben and Jerry’s and sit on me.”
Let me guess: the Ben & Jerry’s your 800-lb. gorilla’s eating is Chunky Monkey.
Okay Laura,
First:
You are such a brilliant writer, copywriter, Goddess of the written word and hilarity….you deserve every TV, vacation break complete with Piña Colada and King size Twix bar you take, today and mañana y todos mañanas.
Second:
The tilde: On a Mac, hold down the “option”, aka “alt” key + n, the tilde will show, then type “n” and the letter will type under the tilde.
Third:
I’m sleeping with my boss….shhh…don’t tell anyone.
Fourth:
When you are your own boss, you may work more, but you resent it less.
Love you Laura,
You’re my kind of boss. I would work for you in a heartbeat!
Happy vacation, mañana!
Hey! There’s Jul’s! You’ve been away. Glad you’re back.
Jul’s! You’ve just transformed my life and my whole attitude on piña coladas! Not to go overboard, but thañk you. My mañana is looking so much brighter now.
LOL. YESSS.
I am mostly my own boss — which is why I can’t complain that I keep putting myself into all these compromising sexual situations.
I know what type of boss you are. You pat your own butt and says “Tomorrow, wear that red dress to the office. And leave the top button undone.” Sleaze.
Friend of mine told me that working for yourself means you can take a half day sometimes. You just have to decide if it will be the first 12 hours you take off, or the second. And then you have to make up for it the next day. Still, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.
I’m sitting in my office right now, looking at my bed, and working like a dog for very little money. When I say “working like a dog” I mean literally. I lie around most of the day, eat when I feel like it, and try to lick myself.
Anyway, my boss is calling me back to work. He’s a real ass. I love him. I even shower with him. Sometimes we touch each others…
Yeah, back to work. Happy Tuesday!
This is brilliant.
You need to call CR (Canine Resources).
The workplace has changed. Licking one’s employee hasn’t been OK since about 1988. Same with shoulder pads, if you’re wearing those.
BTW, you need to work like a dog for a lot of money, because no dog dances like you do. Not even those faked viral video ones.
Who gave you permission to eavesdrop on my conversations with my own boss, who is suspiciously also named ME?