I’m the boss of me.
1) I have the best boss!
2) I have the worst boss.
I’m letting me go on vacation tomorrow, so close to my last vacation. No guilt trip about how it’s “bad for company morale.” No warnings about how this is eating into my summer vacation, or requests to “remain accessible.”
I get shat on all day long.
“I know I said you could come into work whatever time you want, but that’s an opportunity for you to show some motivation. Do you think you’re doing that by watching an episode of Walking Dead in bed when you could at least be reading the paper and expanding your narrow perspective on the world?”
“I see you on Facebook. Do we have to put up a fire wall?”
“Wow, snack time again. Is that brie part of the “creative process”? If it is, don’t you think you should at least put it on crackers like a human being?”
“You’re getting sloppy with your blog posting. I thought we agreed that was part of your job description.”
“Do we need to have another conversation about answering emails as they come in instead of keeping them as new even when you know the answer?”
“I’m not sure we’re on the same page about how one should dress for work. Is that a coffee stain, or part of the shirt’s irregular dye pattern?”
“Do you want to make more this year? If so, maybe you should keep your eye on the big picture and stop dicking around. Just curious: if you added up all the minutes you spent dicking around, how many hours a week would they add up to? We’re not done yet. Now let’s multiply that figure by 52. That’s how much more time you might as well have spent on the beach this year drinking pina coladas. I know, I know, you don’t drink pina coladas because they’re so fattening. You get my point. And isn’t it time you figured out the key stroke to put that squiggly over the n in pina coladas? How hard could it be? Again, details matter.”
“You know those people who come up with genius idea after genius idea? You’re not one of them.”
“Oh, I feel a sneeze coming. A–aaa–ch “*YOU SUCK!*”
“You know that thing I just reminded you to do? Here are five other things. You should do them all now. No wait, answer that email. Actually, make that doctor’s appointment, health is more important than anything. You idiot, why do you keep starting things and forgetting to finish them?”
“You’re so good at what you do. I’m sorry I don’t say that often enough. I promise to be more encouraging and focus on your strengths instead of your — hey, that was NOT your cue to go turn on the TV and eat the mini Twix you tried to hide from yourself in the scissors drawer. Pathetic. It’s a good thing I can’t fire you. HR won’t let me.”
You know what? When I get back from vacation, I’m telling my boss to go fuck herself.
Are you the boss of you? If so, what kind of boss are you?
If not, what kind of boss would you make?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.