I take terrible care of money.
If money were a child, Protective Services would take mine all away and award custody to the grandparents.
When I’m at the farmer’s market paying for my sun gold cherry tomatoes, and the cashier is holding them out to me in their plastic bag, swinging them ever so slightly from the fulcrum of her finger, I panic a little. I’m never ready for this moment.
As I dig through my coin purse, I narrate out loud to demonstrate progress.
“Just one second…getting my money out…you said six? Oh, seven. Weren’t they five last week? They’re so good, though. OK. There’s two…there’s three, I know I had a five. Sorry these are so crumpled. Let me straighten that out for you. Sorry, you don’t want a hair tie. Whoops, there’s the five, dropped it on the ground! Can’t have that now, can we? Oh wait, I think I have four quarters. No, that’s my key fob and an allergy relief tablet. Here, take a ten.”
I used to use a big wallet.
The kind with the slots for credit cards and the separate, lined fold where the dollar bills get to stretch out full length, all comfy-like, and an outer pouch, attached by snaps, where coins have their own little clubhouse. No credit cards, receipts, gum wrappers or loyalty punch cards allowed in here. Coins only, you guys. If you’re not metal with a face of a president, go away.
I guess those are all the things any normal wallet has. It felt very grown-up and organized to me.
Problem was, too heavy.
I unsnapped the coin purse and decided to use just that. My bag felt light as air. Whoo, no more wallet, I’m flying!
So of course, everything I own is now crammed into this three-inch coin purse. The dollar bills, they’re all folded in half, and then one more fold. Same way I shove my jeans on the shelf. Some are folded in tandem, some separately.
It looks like a hamster tried to do origami.
When I take out the money to pay for something, and some falls on the floor, or, in the case of the farmer’s market, the peach-pit-and-toothpick littered pavement, I think about something woo-woo/ manifest-y/ Law-of-Attraction-ish I’ve heard:
If you treat money with respect, you’ll attract more of it.
That idea of “attracting” money always makes me think of Bugs Bunny putting on a skirt and lipstick to seduce a hunting dog or Elmer Fudd. But at the same time, I’m intrigued because who wouldn’t like to attract money instead of, like, working for it?
“Yoo hoo! Money! Over here! Come ‘n’ get it!”
Or maybe it’s just plain practical. If you treat money with respect, meaning, don’t crumple that shit up and stuff it in a little sack like it’s garbage, maybe you won’t lose large bills wherever you go.
Shudder to think how many Andrew Jacksons I’ve lost without knowing it. Every time I hear someone say, “OMG, I found twenty dollars lying on the ground today!” I think, yeah. That was probably mine.
Whether or not you believe in this manifesting stuff, there’s certainly something to not having your cash floating loose all over the place.
My friend Marie often talks about how, as a kid, she loved money so much she would literally iron it. Today? Multi-seven-figure business.
On the other hand…
One of my best friends from high school, from the time I met her and to this day, has always had her money balled up at the bottom of a bag — sometimes a giant shoulder bag, sometimes a fanny pack, which only she could get away with, just like she got away with wearing Ugg boots at her wedding. Whenever it’s time to pay, she’ll fish out a nub of a blue eyeliner pencil, a leaky pen, a straw hat, a giant stuffed animal key chain with no keys on it, a pair of leggings, and then, finally, some random dollar bills.
If she wants to attract more money, she better start respecting it!
Oh, wait. She married a billionaire. Actually, one of the richest men in the western world. She never has to fly commercial again, or even pick up a dirty sock. She definitely attracted that. Never mind.
Maybe I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. But if you find twenty dollars, please give it back.
Now you.
Do you treat your money with respect? Does it work?
Do you believe in manifesting? Do you believe in fanny packs?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Of COURSE I’m gonna comment on this!
I’m a woo believer with a very VIRGO take on the LoA. As in, you have to actually DO something to manifest money – obviously!
I love that you’re dropping dollarz for other people to find though!
Well I expected no less. Basically, this post was Denise-Duffield-Thomas bait. Dangling there, just waiting for you to bite. Glad you did! And I love your Virgo take. I will listen to anything you say.
Ms. Belgray in her usual rare form…how you paint such vividly funny pictures, just fascinates me. I love, “It looks like a hamster tried to do origami.” I was laughing so much…your gifts of written gab are enviable for sure.
Your readers are also witty, and my only complaint is it is 2:39 am and I can’t skim your copy, nor your readers comments…they’re such gems.
Love that you posted Nika…I can relate.
I think the Belgray family must have spent a lot of time laughing because Marian tells inside jokes, that somehow I feel as if I get.
Licia…I love all your comments..I so, so agree! Thanks for that incredible perspective. Love Tova’s lesson share too.
You are a funny, intelligent, group, and I like you all. I just am too knackered to mention everyone…
You’re so sweet, Jul’s. Yes, there are lots of Belgray inside jokes. But I use this blog as a platform to expose them.
I love it when you comment, so keep joining in.
Oh the manifesting phase I went through was deep. I was reading “Mama Gena’s Guide to The Womanly Arts”, getting my priorities straight – bubble baths, chocolate and all my desires, including money, could be mine if I just got clear on what I wanted.
In an ironic twist of fate a chocolate bar melted in my purse, choosing my wallet and the Mama Gena book as its only victims. Both completely destroyed.
I don’t know what the moral of this story is but I ended up with a change purse wallet for nearly a year.
I love you. Especially for the idea of trying to manifest a bubble bath. I’m going to try that! Putting my intention out there. Mark my words, I don’t know how I’ll make it happen, but a bubble bath will be mine.
Baby steps. If you can’t manifest a bubble bath, good luck with that million dollars – right?!
Hilarious post as usual :)) I love your examples.
Manifesting….Well, the best thing I ever heard about manifestation (and the reason why most peeps have it all backwards) comes from David’s Spangler’s book: Laws of Manifestation. And it’s that instead of thinking “How can I Get”, —the source of manifestation is really about asking “What Can I Give ?”
Thanks, Tova! Oh man, what CAN I give? Would it work to give away a toilet seat I haven’t gotten it together to ship back to the Amazon seller?
Probably not…
Did I tell you that I won a fanny pack in a Moms Club raffle? It was a Clare Vivier one! What do you think that means? Did I attract it? Is that good? I’m not sure if I can pull it off the way your aforementioned friend can.
So what’s with all the gerbil/hamster references? Do I smell a future post about childhood pets and/or Richard Gere-related urban myths?
Excuse all the questions. I should use positive, declarative statements so the Universe likes me better. Great post! Made me laugh out loud!(especially about Dad’s feet on the airplane. Ew.)
A free Clare Vivier fanny pack! That is the essence of mixed blessing. Maybe you can rock it. I think the kids in Greenpoint have brought fanny packs back. Just don’t wear it with white Reeboks. That’s taking the norm core too far.
I just had rodents on my mind yesterday. But maybe we’re due for a pet story, good idea. Then again, my pet stories make me look like a monster.
Laura, I love this post 🙂
My mom taught me the money thing when I was young and now I even have trouble folding a bill in half! (Though I do it because I am anti-purse and have a compact wallet).
Regardless, I have to say it works 🙂
I’ve also tried it to varying degrees of success with men, and to spectacular success with travel (did I mention the 2 story glam loft I was staying in, in the West Village)?!
I cannot, however, believe in fanny packs.
xo
N
Good for your mom! My mom taught me never to dog-ear a hardcover book, but she didn’t say anything about folding money. I’m kicking myself that I didn’t see your spectacular W Village loft. I don’t think I knew it was a duplex! Whatever you do to manifest lodging, I want to try it.
Gosh, you make me laugh. So refreshing. I am tragic with my money. I realize that because I believe I will always make just barely enough money to get by, I make just barely enough money to get by. I’m trying to shift to believing that I’ll have more than enough , but its an old habit. I love the idea of dressing up to seduce money like Bugs Bunny. Its worth a shot.
I’m telling you right now: you’ll have more than enough. Major surplus. OK, I have no basis to tell you that, but maybe if I believe it, you’ll believe it.
I think a confident gesture would be to spring for a pair of Louboutins and some La Perla lingerie to seduce the money. Money likes money.
I like the way you think, I’m not a Louboutins and La Perla type girl but I’m thinking of springing for a week long cadaver dissection and movement workshop. Is that seductive?
Yep. You’re right SistaShrimp, start respecting the caching, or it def won’t ring…!
That said, and agreed, we don’t need more stuff (god knows!) abundance seems to arrive in boat loads when 1) you are paying attention 2) you are creating intentions and 3) when you do a lot of laundry. ( I just made that one up ) ( Tho I love doing laundry, especially hanging fresh sheets over my balcony, on a sunny day, with the spectacular view, yeah I know I am weird…just like I love to iron, but never sheets. It’s that Triple A personality and that I’m an Italo-Americano living in So. Italy where they even iron their underwear…no joke. Could be my next blogpost)
Anywho, whenever I clean house, whether I’m dusting my tchotchkes or clearing my chakras, the Universe pays me. He actually shows up, like some Santa from Atlantis (why? I often wonder, but not too loudly or …) and caching! Gifts. Bestowed. Could call it a caching of another kind. Like a brother from another planet…or something. I could make a list. The last 24hrs? Mana.
Now, actual cash money?
Tweeting!
I agree about the laundry! What does it say that I send mine out?
Seeing the words you put together, I’m wondering if there’s some business to be had in tchotchkras?
Maybe it’s chotchkes that clear your chakras?
Oh my god, it’s only 9:15 and you are already so funny this early in the morning?
none of these smart asses writing on your blog have the copy envy because they are all good writers, but I read your stuff and am always to chicken-shit to leave a comment because I know, it will just sound awkward whatever I’m thinking.
So I guess if you don’t have much money, you gotta be lookin to jump the track, you’ve got to do things every day that scare you or that are different from what you did yesterday, you have to open your mind right, life is short. So I’m leaving a comment.
I’m so glad you overcame your chicken-shit-ness!
Your comments are always welcome here and just as smart as anyone’s. Though it’s true, it’s a smart bunch. I’m proud of that. Well, you belong.
Thanks for jumping the track.
LOVE this. per yesterday’s post, I get TONS of emails about this shit too. attract money, attract love…. (attract THIS people).
ok, truth is, i have found that when i FOCUS on my finances, things do start to shift – random residual checks show up in the mailbox. when i keep my head in the sand, it gets worse and worse. and worse.
AND, when i focus on it i spend less frivolously, so who’s to say what the shift is – metaphysical or you know, i’m just spending less so there’s more left…
who knows. maybe both…
Exactly. Who knows, maybe both. At the same time, I’m tickled when a friend who’s been, say, looking around for an office to rent and then found one says that she “manifested an office.”
A little off topic but…what is that thing hanging out of your purse in the small silver package? Is that a micro-condom? Who staged this photo shoot? And does that seem a little disrespectful to your husband? Why so small? Wait. Maybe it’s a ramen soup flavor packet. Disregard.
Doug! That’s the aforementioned allergy relief tablet!!
Well, well! SOMEONE was paying attention!
you can count on me babe
That is either:
1) An allergy tablet that I carry everywhere in case someone has dogs or cats in their apartment and I want to prevent hives and wheezing
or
2) A finger cot.
Micro-condom indeed. That would be huge for a gerbil. Not that I have a gerbil lover.
I staged the photo shoot and then used a premium instagram filter called “lousy, depressing photo.”
I love this woo-tastic post! I’m sitting here cackling away at the image of you at the farmer’s market and Marie ironing her bills.
Hilarious!
I’m currently trying to manifest more dineros in my life but I’ve taken a different tack on it. I like to give out this following suggestion to all those hustlers out there trying to attract more clients/product sales/dineros (please note that money R-E-S-P-E-C-T will work too):
Manifestation tip: Do you ever worry about income? (Did I really just ask that given the topic of this post?)
If this comes up for you then the way to defeat this fear is to imagine more clients (not money) at your door.
Literally, before you go to bed each night, imagine yourself standing in front of a door and when you open it there are lines and lines of people waiting to come in. Then close your eyes and fall asleep.
And with the people comes the money (’cause the people are the vehicles). Easy peasy!
You see, it’s so much easier to manifest actual people coming to buy what you’re selling than it is to manifest the concept of money.
When you say to the Universe “I need a million dollars” the Universe says “Um. Ok. Well not sure how that’s gonna happen”.
But when you say “Universe I would love more clients” (because the clients bring money) the Universe responds with “Well that’s easy! Here are some peeps!”
Try it – you’ll see!
So I guess, yes, I’m a believer. But you knew that already. ‘Cause I’m a psychic.
Also, I’m totally gonna iron my bills starting right now!
That’s a fantastic tip. BUT. Though I love my clients, I’d like to have the money line up instead. Seriously. Fewer clients, more dollar bills. What’s the biggest bill they mint? Those.