In my last post, I wrote about the cultural pressure to have kids. I didn’t get into why I don’t want to have them. So here’s a little on my reasons, and the giant Baby-Man, or Man-Baby, who confirmed them.
I was on the fence for a long time.
Being on the fence about kids when you’re in your late 30s sucks. They should call it “being at the bus stop”, because it’s like having the driver say, “Last bus, lady. I gotta pull out of here. On or off?”
I wanted to want kids, and everyone else (including cab drivers) wanted me to want kids.
I just couldn’t get past the sleep deprivation, the shrill “Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!”, and the poopy diapers. About the diapers, people say, “Oh, the baby’s so cute, you don’t mind.” I mind. I’ve only changed my very adorable nephew’s diaper once, and I wore an apron. It wasn’t even a Number Two.
When I thought about my hypothetical kids, I already couldn’t wait for them to grow up.
I hadn’t even had them and I was tapping my foot, antsy for them to get toilet trained, walk to school on their own, sit quietly in their own row on the plane, and have adult conversations at the dinner table.
I loved my hypothetical kids; I just wanted them to be independent, and, well, not kids.
I did think it might be fun to have teenagers because I love all things teenager. My teenager could tell me all the gossip from school, like who’s popular, who’s anorexic, who got dumped, who’s doing coke in the bathroom, and who’s secretly boning whom (also in the bathroom).
Life with a teenager would be like 16 Candles, Mean Girls, 90210, and Friday Night Lights all rolled into one.
Except that when they become teenagers, they hate you — assuming you’re a good parent who enforces rules. “Kids need you to be a parent, not a friend.” I think I heard that on the show “Parenthood.”
Even if you say, “Oh fuck the end result, I want to be the cool parent,” your kids probably won’t think you’re cool.
They’ll be embarrassed by your attempt at street slang and your ’90s dance moves. Or, they will think you’re cool, and they’ll turn out like Mackenzie Phillips.
So I scratched the teenage phase off my “Fun Part of Having Kids” list and longed for them to leave for college so I could rip down the hot-vampire posters and transform their shared bedroom into a den-slash-media-room.
I looked forward to my grown kids’ occasional visits home. Maybe we’d do a family vacation in a villa in Tuscany — but with separate cars so everyone could go exploring on their own and then reconvene for wine and dinner overlooking the vineyards.
The grownup phase. That was the part of having kids that appealed to me.
It still does. But I’ve realized that if younger adult friends are what we want, Steven and I can just go trolling college campuses and pick some up.
“Just looking for friendship,” we’ll assure the college kids. “No weird stuff.”
They’ll probably resist, and we’ll have to chloroform our new friends and bring them home in a windowless van, forcing them to have sunset cocktails with us every night as they weep and silently pray for someone to rescue them.
I know, kidnapping is a felony. But easier than bearing a child just to get it to the stage I like.
If I’m already over the baby phase, then it’s probably not a good idea.
Also, what if I raised kids just for the dream of one day enjoying their adult company, only to have them become adult babies? I just saw this clip of a grown, fat man who likes to wear a diaper, drink from a bottle, and have a story read to him by an equally obese, even more creepy “mommy” figure who isn’t even his mom.
The one redeeming thing about him is that he builds his own oversized cribs. At least there’s some independence.
This guy seals the deal. If I wasn’t off the fence — or out of the bus stop — before, I am now.
What about you?
Would you have a baby just to have company later in life?
And if you knew it might grow up to be a big, fat, baby-man who will never give up his onesie, would you still have him?
I know I’m late to the party, but ended up here somehow so here goes! This was me right up until I had my daughter. Never wanted any. Never changed my mind. Screwed up at 40 (pun intended)and ended up with a little person who has made it all make sense. The Best Thing Ever. But would I have been unhappy if I didn’t do it? Probably not. Moral of this story? I have no idea!
Holy shit! You put it ALL into words! I will be 34 next month. Not married, no kids. When I see pictures of my friends with their kids I have an actual verbal “response” without being able to control it. It’s like when the doctor hits your knee and it magically moves. Yeah, that is how the “response” happens. It’s usually some sort of groan or yuck. I literally can’t help it. I should take that as a sign shouldn’t I? I too, want the college grad to pop out the vag rather than a screaming baby that, no, I DON’T THINK IS CUTE AT ALL. No, I don’t want to hold it thank you.
But really, all of that is not the problem. I can deal with the minor ailments listed above. What I have a hard time dealing with is the WANTING to want to have kids. That’s the part that is driving me to the bottle, you know? Well, i don’t really drink much but you know what I mean.
Get this…this is the hilarious part. In my high school year book, a very select few seniors were asked “where do you think you will be in 10 years?” Most kids answered “running my own law firm” Or “winning Ms. America.” What did I put? MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. Yeah.
P.S. I was also the president of Future Homemakers of America in high school. I don’t know how to make a grilled cheese.
Kids can be baggage, the really heavy, hard to zip up kind. But one kid is sort of easy, not really baggage, more of a large purse that still easily fits in the overhead compartment. Best not to leave them there too long though.
Personally, I’d rather see a person opt to not have children than have them for the wrong reasons and have everyone wind up in therapy.
…and I got here looking to read ’bout eating shrimp! Awesome blog though! Love your writing. Since you don’t have kids – you probably have extra time to cook. If you ever feel like dippin’ real shrimp while you blog, here’s an idea from seafood chef Owen Tilley. ‘Blog & dip’ is the new ‘watch TV & munch’!
You – Hilarious
Video – Why oh why did I hit play? I have that same feeling right now like I get when I have a really bad song stuck in my head. Can’t get the diaper image to leave my head. Thanks for that 🙂
Kids v. No Kids – Someday (I hope) this won’t be a decision that requires explanation. Some people want to, some don’t. Weird to me that anyone would try to sway you to consider changing what your gut tells you about such a big decision. I am a mom – I have friends who are moms and friends who are not. They are all smart and cool chicks. Never has it crossed my mind to question any of them about their choice.
Ok.. diaper image has been replaced with crib wake-up scene. OY. Thanks again.
“we’ll have to chloroform our new friends and bring them home in a windowless van”
No good has ever come from windowless vans. I’m surprised they’re still legal.
no good, except, of course, for the A-Team.
Doth the lady protest too much? Me thinks…maybe.
I didn’t immediately connect and love my first child — it grew over the first months. I have to say that pretty soon I loved changing and caring for him and nothing was gross or disgusting about anything that came out of him (much like my own farts rarely bother me.)
Now the twins almost killed me with sleeplessness and crying — well, only for the first year and a half. Now, I decidedly feel like I am helping create people that I would want to hang out with — kind, funny, musical etc.
I think if you wanted, you would stand a more-than-decent chance of creating the same (almost the same).
Love for my kids feels unconditional — different than for my spouse and different from the sometimes complicated love I have for my parents. It changed my perspective on the world and people.
Its (obviously and perhaps thankfully) not the only way to grow in this world.
But I highly recommend it.
Jus keepin it real, dog.
Hey, hey – who says I’m protesting? I’m asserting. I know I could create that awesomeness if I wanted. I just don’t want it enough.
And thanks for recognizing that it’s not the only way to grow in this world. One thing that gets under my skin is people saying you don’t know what love is till you’ve had a kid. Oh chile, please. I wrote the book on love.
Well, not really. (I haven’t written any books!) But unlike Foreigner, I know what love is — and I DON’T want you to tell me. Not you, Paul. The general “you.”
Enjoyed your post, Laura, even being exposed to a disturbing condition that I guess is not unique to this one guy (which is even more disturbing. I’ve already thought about that video way too much while I’m driving.)
I respect you for your opinions and decision regarding children and realize that it is a pretty bold statement among certain circles.
Even though, being a Dad, I disagree, I enjoy your writing, no matter what you say (except for your potty mouth, which I can’t believe how you’ve influenced your Mom so much. Mom B, give her a spanking, and clean up your s—-.)(See, more dashes makes it cleaner. Besides, that stands for ‘stuff’. But I digress.)
From your post, it appears that you’d like to have all the cool stuff about being a parent, but not endure the tough stuff. Well, that’s a basic principle of life that I’m sure you’re familiar with. You can’t have a great blog, without putting in the work of writing a lot of great content. You can’t have great commercials without doing some of the drudgery work involved with making them happen.
The only way to have really close and fulfilling relationships with your children that is unlike any thing else is because you changed their poopy diaper, stayed up late nights rocking them to sleep, endured fits in the grocery store, or cleaned up the mess of makeup and baby powder all over their body.
It’s these intimate, unselfish experiences between a parent and child that make families the most unique and important unit of society.
Of course, this intimacy can also create the most horrible of experiences of abuse and pain, but it doesn’t have to if you make the right choices. That’s the risk you take in order to have something incredibly wonderful. You could live your life in a padded cell and not experience any problems, but you wouldn’t experience fun and joy and accomplishment either.
I don’t mean to make you feel bad about your decision, I just wanted to share the opposing view (which I’m sure you may be tired of hearing) so that your blog could be a more complete conversation of the issue.
Thanks for being brave enough to bring it up. Your great humor makes it easy to discuss.
I hardly even know you, but I think you’d be a great mother. Someone is going to miss out having you as a mother.
Hi Rex,
Thanks for contributing to the conversation. I do like having different viewpoints up in here. That’s the point, right?
I know that if I had kids I’d overcome the poopy diapers etc. And that having kids causes the same chemistry in your brain as falling in love, which is powerful enough to override just about anything.
I also know you can’t have the good parts without the hard parts – but I don’t want the good parts enough to deal with the hard parts.
Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, because I had two glasses of wine tonight.
Full disclaimer: I did not read all previous comments. So if this has already been said, then just call me redundant. 🙂
I read an article recently which said that childless older people (let’s call it well over the age of 65) are not lonely, which is sometimes an argument people throw out there when I say I am still deciding about kids–yes I know I’m just a PYT still, so I have some time. So no, I would never have a child just for companionship later on in life. Apparently this is not a good way to ensure this.
The reason for the lack of loneliness in childless peeps is that these childless folk have maintained relationships and friendships over the course of their life, knowing that this is important. Whereas some folks with kids discover that they don’t have as many friendships bc their lives were based more around their children than their own personal lives.
I don’t have a link to this article, but the logic makes sense to me!
I found the video very odd. Especially that he wore a diaper. Does that lady change his diaper? I had to stop watching when he popped up on the screen in the diaper, playing with toys.
Thanks for the post lady! U write about juicy topics!
I love that study. It makes perfect sense. I’ll make sure to keep up relationships with all the friends I kidnap, I mean make.
I also wondered about the diaper and who changes it. Did he also craft a gigantic peepee teepee? Or, more disturbingly, does he use a baby one?
Is there any way you can hook me up with the owners of that Villa in Florence in the photo? Freya and I want to take all three kids of ours away somewhere distant (time changes and long flights with little kids are super fun), exotic (they notice the most trivial details of foreign cultures), high-end (f*ck saving for college, our genes dictate higher education is not in the cards) and lastly, it needs to be somewhere where we can rent some friends to be with us at that table in the vineyards (most of our friends either don’t have kids or the others get all uptight when our kids climb on the table in the middle of dinner to throw food, smash plate-ware or beat the hell out of their kids). give me the info when you can….
I can give you the names of several villa rental companies. The high-end ones come with housekeeper, cook, and child-loving friends.
If your kids are going to beat the hell out of someone else’s kids, I want to watch. I’ll even provide the plate-ware. That’s part of the beating, right?
I am applauding with your mom, loudly. Raising kids is so huge, how can it possibly be the right choice for everyone? You clearly made the right choice, and I am happy for you! Now you should start some sort of no-baby shower thing. The gifts would be less cute, but way more fun.
Thanks for joining the applause, Ris. Means a lot to get it from you. You’ve been at the mom-ing thing longer than almost any of my friends.
I like the no-baby shower suggestion. I am going to register for that Tuscan villa. Not available at Buy Buy Baby.
By some small act of mercy, “The uploader has not made this video available in your country.” Have to love it when technology protects you from yourself. I love that you shared your thoughts on this. And superlove that your mom and sister did, too!
Oh, that is merciful. You’ve been spared something unspeakable. Sad thing is, very little technology can protect me from myself. I would probably have a friend download the video and email it to me. If it’s horrific, I need to see it.
I superlove that you read it!
sorry but can’t watch the video. the freezeframe makes me cringe.
Well, you’re missing out on a true shared experience. The rest of us are having a retching party.
You are hilarious, and I was equally proud of Mom Belgray for throwing shi*t in there.
Thanks! If you only knew what a momentous occasion it is to see the phrase “full of sh*t” from my mom. Where others say “douchebag” or “dickhead”, she says “stupid…MEANIE!”
And I’m going to share your blog.
Awesome! I love to be shared.
After seeing that I need that medicine they used to give for childbirth that would make you forget about childbirth.
I, too, applaud you for your honesty. I believe in honesty in parenting and non-parenting. And, of course, it was funny.
Did they really have medicine like that? I’d use it to erase all the humiliating moments of my life, so I could think I’m invincible.
Thanks for the applause! You are one of my favorite sources of honesty-in-parenting.
It was called Twilight Sleep. Doesn’t that sound nice? I’ll take some right now, please.
I do want to add that I think you’re brave to be open about this, and I applaud you for it.
xoxo
Applaud yourself too, Mom. You wrote “full of sh-t.” You’ve come a long way since “baloney.” Laura must be inspiring you to speak your mind.
xo
That’s the funniest compliment I’ve ever gotten. Thanks!
It’s true – if not for the asterisk, I would have thought some hacker was commenting as you. You were a good mom not to curse in front of us, (“Oh, shhhhh…ooot!”), but now we’re ready to hear your real potty mouth.
Another courageous post, sis. Do you feel a special kinship with Stanley, choosing a lifestyle that’s “out of the ordinary”?
That video was disguised as a testimonial, but really an infomercial for Stanley’s custom-made adult baby furniture. I’m gonna hire him to rig our Joovy so we can get a few more years out of it, as Samson grows bigger.
HA! Thanks, sis. I do feel a kinship, and we’re going to meet for coffee this week. He’ll drink his from the bottle.
I can’t believe I didn’t see right through the promotional motives for that video! You’re so right.
To be honest with you, I think you should teach Samson how to expand the Joovy himself. And how to change his own diaper. These are clearly skills that last a lifetime.
I want to applaud you for having the courage to stand out from the crowd. Between the sub-conscious evolutionary drive to procreate and the unquestioned societal norms, the majority of people don’t actually think that the choice to have kids is even a decision, let alone one that deserves some serious deliberation. I actually think it is a remarkably unselfish decision, since it involves thinking about what children might need from parents as opposed to how having kids might fulfill our own needs, conscious or subconscious- whether that be the need to fit in, the urge to see our own chromosomes replicated or banking that it will insure there is someone around to take care of us when we are old. I think if more people hesitated before having kids, it could only be a good thing for all involved.
Mirabai (a mom – for the record)
Thank you, Mirabai! I’m trying to put an end to the unquestioned norms by questioning them. Never been the rebel, overthrow-the-patriarchy type. Those people bug me. But in this case, I felt the urge to start speaking out.
My decision is in no way unselfish – it’s all about the kind of life I want. I don’t think there’s a choice around children that’s totally unselfish, besides maybe becoming a surrogate without charging a fee.
I really appreciate your comment.
I waited until I was 40, then I couldn’t wait anymore. I mean, how else was I going to give up martinis, crazy girlfriends and fashionable clothes?
I don’t know how you gave those things up. I bet you had some wild brunches talking about sex and shoes!!
ps – don’t you mean cosmos?
Okay, so the guy goes into adult mode when he leaves the house so as to avoid “public shaming” — but he allows this to be shown on national tv? And it’s not a fetish? What about when big mama (I mean aunt)has to change his diaper? Uh-oh, I need to run. Gotta fill up the rest of the bucket with this morning’s breakfast.
Right. Maybe because he’s a baby he doesn’t understand TV? I don’t know, someone should tell him that real babies aren’t self-conscious. If he’s the real deal, he’ll go out in his diaper.
Is Big Mama/ Aunt not the most disturbing part?
At least he feeds from a bottle. I’m afraid to even imagine how the two of them found each other. Maybe a quick call to the Fatty Arbuckle Employment Agency. Come to think of it, I’m sure there are at least a dozen websites for this kind of stuff.
Okay, my dear, darling daughter, whom I love so very much. I think you’re full of sh——t. You certainly shouldn’t have kids if you don’t want them, but I don’t think you get it. The joys of parenthood transcend all of the impediments you’ve listed above (man-baby excepted). It’s called the growth and meaning of love, something I, for one, couldn’t have learned or enjoyed any other way.
Oh, I get that. But what I’m saying is that if I was already looking forward to them not being kids, it was a pretty good sign I didn’t want kids. I understand that when you have them, you love them. And I love you for loving us!
ps – Just being honest. Because as I touched on in the last post, this is something people don’t talk or write about.