At some point, someone powerful must have decided that any reference to relaxation, wellness, spirituality or “Me Time” must be paired with one of two photos:
1. Some chick wearing white, sitting in the lotus position
2. Some chick lying down with a row of hot stones on her bare back
Really? Well-being equals yoga and massage? How come no one checked with me?
Here’s how I feel about yoga:
Just seeing a photo of yoga stresses me out. I feel like it’s nagging me: “You should do yoga like this lady. She looks great!”
You know those people who say, “I just know I’m going to die alone”? I have a prediction, too: I’m going to die saying “I should do yoga.” I’ve been saying it since the mid-’90s. And it’s true, I should do it, because it prevents stiff joints, and gives you good tank-top arms.
But it’s not going to happen, the yoga. Because me no like.
I tried it twice:
Once was at Crunch, which was hardcore. I couldn’t keep up, and my mat smelled like dirty butt. So did the guy next to me.
(Shush, I know you’re supposed to buy your own mat. But you do that when you reach a level of liking yoga.)
The other time was on a retreat, where they offered a totally special-ed yoga class. We used chairs to make it easier for older people, people with knee or back problems, and people who suck at yoga. With the chairs, the positions were probably no harder than tying your shoes. But I hate tying my shoes. That’s why I never wear shoes with laces. I’m all about slip-ons.
The worst part of yoga:
The worst part isn’t the positions. It’s the breathing. Organized, group breathing is at the top of my Ick List. (And there’s a lot on that list.) On the retreat where they did the chair yoga, they did a whole day of breathing exercises. This was not a yoga retreat or breathing retreat. So for me, the breathing day was a total bait-and-switch.
We were in the middle of a vast, tropical rain forest which, they warned us, was full of fire ants and a giant, poisonous snake called the Bushmaster. It was either:
- Make a break for it, get lost, and run into the Bushmaster, or
- Do the breathing exercise.
OK: to be fair, nobody had a gun to my head. I could have gone back to my room — but that would have made me look like an a-hole. Everyone else was like, “YAY! Group breathing! What a treat!” So along with the rest of them, I lay on a scratchy Navajo blanket, inhaling and exhaling as directed, keeping my eyes closed while people came around and touched me. Then the touchers had their turn breathing, and we had to touch them. Like, stroke their feet and stuff.
The memory makes my sphincter clench. So let’s discuss relaxation stock photo #2, Lady Getting Hot Stone Massage.
My thoughts on hot stone massage:
I’ve never actually tried the hot stone massage, but I imagine it’s no more than warmed-up rocks plus the things I hate about a regular massage:
- New-agey music. Or whale sounds.
- That gooey, hushed voice that massage therapists start speaking in once you’re on the table. Gentle Healer Voice. It’s the same voice I hear around the vegetarian salad bar at the health food store. When people say, “mmm, seitan and kohlrabi”, they always sound like a massage therapist.
I could put up with that stuff if I left a massage feeling free of stress and muscle knots. Instead, I’m always super-sore for three days. On top of the knots.
I know what everyone’s going to tell me: “You just haven’t had the right yoga class, you should try it at Om.” Or, “Call my massage therapist, Dirk. His massages are yummy!” But you have to admit, yoga and hot stone massage shouldn’t be the only images used to convey peace of mind, relaxation, and wellness.
What it should be:
If you ask me, the true picture of bliss is a person doing one of the following:
- Watching Mad Men on a big screen TV. In sweats, with takeout.
- Sleeping with the seat-back all the way down in the passenger seat of a car.
- Leafing through US Magazine, or one of those cheaper ones, while talking on the phone.
- Flying in First Class, feet up on that awesome footrest they don’t have in Coach, requesting more hot nuts.
- Sitting on a city stoop in the summer. You can’t tell from the picture, but it’s a stoop with no scent of dog urine.
- Taking something back to J Crew and getting a full refund.
Add your own. Or go ahead, tell me I need to give yoga and rub-downs another chance. I know you want to.
Howdy very cool website!! Man .. Beautiful ..
Wonderful .. I will bookmark your site and take the feeds also?
I am satisfied to find so majy helpful information right hhere within
the publish, we want develop more strategies on tnis regard, thanks
for sharing. . . . . .
This is one hilarious blog! Appreciated the different view on yoga. Honestly, a massage works better for me.
How did I miss this one? Yes, I have major no yoga guilt too. But it goes away once I do some Zumba or Hip-Hop. After classes or a video I’m so relaxed. Like dog laying on its back, legs splayed, dreaming of chasing cats relaxed. To relax I’ve been known to get a hotel and order room service. Or go to the women’s spa on a weekday to soak.
OK, I don’t know about “legs splayed.” That might be too relaxed.
Brilliant Laura!
I’m the lay on the couch and read kind of girl, and definitely wacthing Mad Men is right up at the top of the list of preferred relaxation activities. With chocolate – and more than one episode at a time.
Hope you don’t mind but I used your lovely lotus girl photo in my blog post about meditation (lotus position NOT recommended) – and mentioned your complete brilliance, of course!.
Hi Ginny,
Always better with multiple episodes.
Thanks for linking to my post!
This is one hilarious blog! Appreciated the different view on yoga. Honestly, a massage works better for me.
Hilarious! Laura, you write the way I think.
Now, I do loves me some massages (except having to shave my legs before I go), but I needed a chiropractor the last time I tried yoga and had forgotten to shave my legs and kept tugging at the hem of my stretch pants because they were Capri style? And I twisted something God had never intended to be twisted except by people who are professionally employed by Cirque de Soleil, so off to the chiropractor it was, to spend even more ‘well-being’ money…
Anyway. Looking forward to reading more of your musings!
Hi Kathie,
I missed this. Yes, the leg-shaving is a hassle. When I go get a pedicure, I almost always have stubble shame.
found your blog through @ElizabethPW. Love your irreverence! Nice laugh in the middle of the day. so glad I found it.
Thanks, Sue! I’m happy you found it. Extra happy that you like it.
Please keep coming back!
Laura:
Damn, this is so funny and HONEST. I’m still digging out the Cheerios I aspirated through my nose while reading, “…my mat smelled like dirty butt. So did the guy next to me.”
My way to achieve enlightenment:
Godiva Salt-Caramel Truffles.
Cost: $2 each – a bargain!
Thanks, Mark!
Wish I’d been that honest at the time: “hey, this breathing thing sucks. I’m going to go eat some plantains.”
There is nothing better than salted chocolate and caramel.
Love it! I’m into yoga, and I’m a health and lifestyle coach, I am not a chick in white sitting in lotus position. And that image totally gets in the way for a lot of my clients! They see that as an ideal, and it seems so far away (not to mention they may not even want to be that person). I support them to make their own wellness plan, and to live an authentic and healthy life – for them. It’s so much more motivating and successful to have a vision of the best “me” then the best “healthy chick!”
Love your blog!
Hi Cydney,
I definitely wouldn’t mind looking like the yoga chick in white. But I don’t have the patience to sit like that.
Other honest responses might include:
“And I thought birdwatching sucked…”
“Touch me there one more time and you’ll spend the rest of your days making cute woven pot holders with your remaining good hand.”
I like Yoga, but I don’t find it relaxing – I find it to be good for my back and flexibility. But my body does not do those things in a relaxing way. Relaxing is watching Golden Girls. . .it is not watching football because that elevates my heart rate :). It is drinking Miller Lite with friends and watching them set off fireworks.
For me it has nothing whatsoever to do with cooking. Eating yes. Cooking stresses me out.
It is watching old movies or reading. Or having someone cook for me. That is a perfect way to relax.
And napping. Napping is amazing. I think everyone should have siestas. 🙂
Golden Girls. Not my show, but I completely relate to the well-being it generates for you.
I think naps should always be called “siesta,” because nap can have a judgemental edge to it. Napping is lazy. But siesta is just a culturally expected daily ritual.
I don’t usually laugh out loud while reading blogs, but, it is a good thing I wasn’t drinking anything! How can anyone sitting up be relaxed? Give me a slouchy couch any day! Also, the attitude is always, you must be some kind of throw-back if you don’t agree that all the “New Age” stuff is absolutely what you need to survive. One thing for sure, all the pink background on this page is not relaxing. I keep seeing green streaks across the writing whenever I move my eyes. I need a dimmer button! LOL, Keep up the honesty!
Pat
Thanks, Pat. Unless your name is also Catherine, you’re the second person in an hour who’s commented on the color scheme making it hard to read. I’ll investigate. I did just add an RSS button to the sidebar, so you can try it in that form: all the content, none of the pink.
If this doesn’t get you hooked on yoga, nothing will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5fkBvliBlg#watch-main-area
That is just f-in’ brilliant. “Feels so right it can’t be chata-wrong-a.”
girlfriend i feel your pain. iv’e enjoyed a yoga class or two, but mostly i feel like an uncoordinated wanna be that’s never going to measure up, and quite frankly if i want to feel that way all i have to do is call my ex husband. the breathing aspect of yoga stresses me out beyond…. and as far as the hot rock bullshit, i have been burned on more than one occasion- physically and financially.
you’re hilarious. next time you go on a “retreat” let me know and we’ll make it what it should be…a lot of laughs and uncontrived breathing.
Haha – i love that. Does your ex also smell like butt, or a dirty bellybutton? Or, the inside of a leather watch strap in summer? If so, I will also call him when I’m in the mood for the yoga experience.
No more retreats with breathing for me! I’ll be reading the fine print next time.
If I ever organize a retreat, I’ll have a rule that no one can even be heard breathing. If there are audible breathers, I’ll send them home.
We have more in common than even you knew. People have been telling me for years that I MUST do yoga — it’s sooo relaxing. It makes me tense. I am not a pretzel. I even tried the chair yoga for those old folks. Lame and boring. I get more exercise reading or watching TV. At least my eyes move.
And then there’s KenKen.
Good thing I was born before the days of Mommy and Me Yoga! We would have hated it.
Mommy and Me KenKen wouldn’t be a bad idea, though.
I’m supposed to be going to a yoga class tomorrow for the first time in years–because they canceled my pilates class (which was pretty easy)…I’m trying to think of ways to get out of it. I start getting dizzy and hyperventilate during any kind of group or deep breathing exercize. I would much rather be sitting on my couch eating the perfect croissant, drinking tea and watching DVR’d Oprah. Oh, and getting a massage at the same time.
I did Mommy/Baby yoga with Henry after having him…that was a joke.
Now, stop writing these blogs because I need to be writing my own stuff, not reading your great stuff!
Oh, I think best way to get out of it is not to show up!
Add perfect croissant, tea and Oprah to my wellness brochure.
You should keep reading my stuff and get writing your stuff. So I can read it. Want help starting a blog? Talk to me. The beauty of blogging is, it always comes out exactly the way you wrote it. Unlike TV.
OK Laura, I think I need to add reading your blog to the list – I was laughing so hard for the first half, I literally had to stop reading b/c the words were moving around too much!
I have major no-yoga-guilt – stresses me out every day! I just know my perfectly scultped body is waiting to be released if only I would start doing yoga,,,Only time I tried it? A pregnancy yoga class before I had Allie – was supposed to help you be all relaxed during that joy called labor — Well, the only thing that relaxed me during my 21 hours of labor (including the stupid hot rice pack) was the epidural!
As for massages – they are my fav thing in the world – though I agree, I HATE the music – and I am always sore… still love ’em.
Can’t say I’m with you on the NYC stoops – unless it’s a breezy, low humidity, urine-smell free evening.
I would add… sitting at a table in Capri, overlooking the Mediterranean, eating perfect pasta and shrimp (of course) — but then, how often do you get to do any of that?
So impressed at how often you are blogging! I have to say, the amount you’re writing compared to the amount I am not writing? Now, THAT stresses me out! Good thing I have you to make me laugh…
OK, that was a long comment. I’m done.
Thank you, Nancy! I knew I’d find at least one yoga-guilt comrade.
I’m on board with Capri. Fo sho. I’m going to start a wellness spa, with a brochure that shows: a giant bowl of pasta on a balcony overlooking the mediterranean, a stoop with a sign that says PISSING AND HUMIDITY STRICTLY FORBIDDEN, and, of course, an epidural.
That will be the cover: the lady smiling beatifically as she gets her epidural.
As for blogging guilt, my blog can be your blog. Make your replies as long as you want! And if you ever want to write a guest post, be my guest (poster).
Belgray…great laughs…the pics remind me of school dittos…remember dittos? LOL…I have to admit I have always felt the same way about yoga but for me it was:
This is not a normal position for me to be in…it can’t be healthy hanging upside down for this long…shit I think I may fall on my head…fuck…will that paralyze me…that would suck!
But this past weekend…took a hot power yoga class at a smell free…good energy studio…with badass music…Springsteen..U2…and I officially GET THE YOGA THING!!! Hot stone massages are terrible…but a rub down by a strong attractive man with cool music playing…love it!!! And yes I do have names and places if you are interested!
Add to the list:
Sitting in a cozy WeVill coffee shop on a snowy day…laughing and talking with a friend while we giggle at people outside sliding all over the place!
Nights at the beach…fire going..someone playing guitar..drinking wine and laughing!
Jen, If you find a hip hop yoga class, let me know. That’s music I’ll do anything to. Maybe even yoga. Wind chimes are out.
Beach plus fire, yes. Guitar, depends. If it’s that song “Barges” that they used to play at camp, not so much.
I’d like to trade the guitar part for s’mores, please.
Once again Belgray, you nailed it. A few to add to the list:
* Watching zombie movies on the couch while eating Indian takeout.
*Riding rollercoasters. and going on badass rides at amusement parks.
*I’m with you on Stoop Parties in NYC (especially with a great cup of Joe or glass of vino)
AND – I’m still cartin your ass to Yoga Shanti in Sag Harbor to take with my all time favorite teachers (Rod & Colleen). no if, ands or butts about it.
(bonus – that studio RARELY smells. Loads of laughter, beyond expert instruction and cool peeps) xo M
xox
M
.-= Marie´s last blog ..How To Eat As Much Mashies As You Want, Sans The Guilt =-.
Go stoop parties! With a jug of vino.
If I like yoga shanti, I will post a correction and give you a big prize. If there’s a bushmaster there, I’m not staying.
xoL
Thanks, Tricia! I’m glad you agree, especially about that breathing thing. You SHOULD scream.
I love this article. I really enjoy yoga and massages however I am in total agreement with you about the expectations of what relaxation should be. If one more person tells me to breathe and meditate I could just scream. Keep it coming really enjoy your writing.