Last night at dinner, I asked Steven if we’d both end up wearing those diaper pants.
“Yeah, probably,” he said without much thought. “And I know I can’t convince you, but I think we should live in the country somewhere and have a car that lowers so it’s easy to get into. The city’s just tough when it’s harder to get around.”
Because of the romantic context — it was our anniversary — he thought I was talking about growing old together.
And of course that is the plan, and yes, one day we probably will wear “slacks” that can accommodate Depends. Which, by the way, are trying heroically to rebrand themselves as a shame-free thing by having D-lister Lisa Rinna wear them on the red carpet in commercials. Like, hey, anyone who’s anyone, or at least anyone with injected lips that look like they’re in anaphylactic shock from a shellfish allergy, is wearing undies they can piss in at social events. Let’s get some!
But those weren’t the kind of diaper pants I meant.
I was talking about these harem jeans that are everywhere now. I saw 5 different people wearing them on the street yesterday, and fashion week’s over, so these were just normal people, not models or Anna Wintour.
The crotch is about knee-height. Sometimes even mid-calf. They look like they’ve got a permanent load stored in them.
Think you won’t wear them? Not so fast.
I’m no fashion expert. But I know this: If you said, when you first saw skinny jeans back in 2006, “Aw hellll no, I won’t be caught dead in those 1980s-looking tapered jeans that only old junkies wear with Members Only jackets from Goodwill” — and you don’t remember saying it, but you did, and now you’re wearing them, possibly with a reissued Members Only jacket, you hipster you — well then don’t be so quick to say you won’t wear diaper pants.
Because you will. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not by Christmas, but a year from now, when that’s the only thing anyone else is wearing, and your croctch-level crotches all look so 2013, you’ll be giving in and buying the Gap’s 1969 brand Broken-In Vintage Wash Sexy Boyfriend Diaper Jean.
In fact, by then, all the crotches will be lower than the cuffs. Your crotch will be dragging on the ground and you’ll have to gather it up in your hands as you walk, like a Jane Austen character holding up her skirt.
The cool look will be a crotch sack that’s totally worn through from long-term sidewalk abrasion, because that means you had them back before they were cool.
So you might not want to wait. You can buy them right now on shopbop.com. Get it over with.
OK, one other thing to say about them, even though I know I’ll succumb.
What’s the point of these? I mean, I actually think the doo-doo drop thing is kind of cute. But as far as I’m concerned, the purpose of pants is that there’s fabric between your thighs so they don’t rub. A denim sack with leg holes, which is what these are, is a chafing rash waiting to happen. And then you end up walking bow-legged, which, combined with the saggy bottom, really looks like you made poopy.
Your thighs don’t touch? Well then what a shame you can’t show off the space between them in these jeans. Which make them a great equalizer. Point in their favor. Look, I’m already coming around.
Will you be wearing diaper pants?
Make your prediction here. I’ll rub it in your face if it turns out to be all wrong.
Or, what else do you have to say about them? What are your denim predictions for 2015?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.