I don’t really have a cold.
But you might wonder if I was sick, since I haven’t posted in so long.
Actually, I have an excellent reason for not posting. Some might tell you I’ve been spending every free moment checking real estate listings with an obsessive, zombie-like fever. Although that might be partly true, I’ve also been doing something really important:
I’ve been planning my run for President of the United States.
You read right.
You wouldn’t expect me to get into politics, since I can’t tell you anything about fracking or the Middle East, I don’t know my own tax bracket, and I don’t really even know American History. I had the easy teacher the year we studied it, and instead of making us talk about the Civil War, he let us talk about tube tops. That sounds random, but it’s a specific memory, talking about tube tops in 10th grade history.
That said, I know what America needs, and I’m basing my platform on it:
Greeting Reform.
Kiss? Double kiss? Tongue kiss? Handshake? Loose hug? Tight hug? Fondle? Nobody knows what to do. We need a strict, clear policy.
Other countries and cultures have it down. With everyone, no exception — stranger, best buddy, mother, sex partner, enemy, frenemy — they do the same thing. They double kiss. Or triple kiss. Or they’re religious and don’t touch unless they’re the same sex, in which case they double kiss, grope each other’s buttocks, and then do the hand jive.
I’d be fine with any of those options if it were just set. But it’s not. So every greeting, coming and going, is a minefield of potential micro-disaster. I can’t tell you how happy I am when someone says, “Don’t kiss me, I have a cold.”
We all know you get sick from contact with doorknobs or sneeze spray, not from kissing on the cheek. But who’s going to argue with being excused from the dreaded greeting exercise?
Here are all the ways it can go wrong, in my experience:
The Botched Double-Kiss.
One person, usually me, expects to exchange a single peck on the cheek. The other, usually a fellow American who leads a “jet set” lifestyle and calls Europe “The Continent”, thinks everyone should double-kiss. So after one kiss, I pull away just as they’re going for the other cheek, which lands them right on my mouth. And then, almost involuntarily, I make it more awkward by saying “Oh! Right, double!” or “Oh yeah, two kisses!” After which, I give them the second kiss they were anticipating, which is now the third because of the accidental lip kiss. And then, walking away, I trip.
The Head-Dance Hug
There’s a normal cheek kiss, which goes fine, and then one person pulls away because they think they’re done and can go back to their life. No, they’re not dismissed yet, because the other person is going in for a hug. So the pulling-away person gets caught off guard, and bobs from side to side with their head – “Oh, hug. This way? That way.” – while reciprocating. Even worse, they compensate for the the sloppy, last-minute quality with an overly affectionate, long, grunt. Something that expresses, “Oooh, come here, you. You’re not getting away without a hug.”
The Disproportionately Loving Hug
I do this all the time. To avoid a Head-Dance Hug, or just to get out of the kissing part, I take the lead and force a hug. And while we’re hugging, I’m thinking, “We don’t know or like each other enough to be hugging. Would I call this person to hang out or have dinner? Never. I don’t even know how we’re related except that my dad says we are. We should have just done a quick peck on the cheek.”
The Hanging-Hand Hug
They stick out the hand, you miss it and hug. You see the hand when it’s too late to go back. They withdraw the hand, submit to the hug, and pretend handshake was never even a thought. But you know they didn’t consider you hug material.
The “Meet My Friends” Fiasco
You’re out at dinner, or on the street, with a bunch of friends. You run into someone you know, who’s also with a bunch of friends. You say hi, and both wonder, “We’re moving on in a second. Do I have to introduce everyone?” You both hope not, but one of you gives in to politeness and starts the horrible, endless process. “This is my good friend, Judy.” Judy waves hi to the other group, as though that will cover it. But then someone in the other group says “I’m Brad,” sticks out his hand, Judy shakes it, and then everyone has to shake hands and exchange names with every single person, even though nobody wants to. Then, they all fall silent while you and your friend chat for a moment. When it’s time for the groups to part ways, everyone says, “Bye, nice meeting you!” But then, even though you’ve just all shaken hands hello, Brad sticks out his hand to start shaking them goodbye. Too soon! No, Brad, no!
The Clueless-with-Kids Screwup
When kids are under two, parents tell them to kiss you and they do it. They like to follow commands. They like it when you go “mwah” while kissing their cheek. But after that phase, what do you do? I hated grownups hugging and kissing me, so I assume kids feel the same way. I do them the favor of saying hi or bye with a little wave or pat on the shoulder.
But am I insulting them? Will they think, “Why doesn’t Auntie Laura want to hug me” and then grow up feeling unworthy of love? That feeling leads to destructive relationships and hard drug use. My friend Jason advised me to just give kids a fist bump, but I don’t want them to think I’m trying too hard to be cool. Also, there’s the chance I’ll miss, which, with a fist bump, is pathetic. I’d rather see the kid become a codependent heroin addict than embarrass myself with a botched fist bump.
The Dorky Demand
In an effort to avoid confusion, one person sings out an instruction, like “Kisses!” Or, “Hugs!” in the same tone you’d use to announce “Dinner!” It’s effective for avoiding all the kinds of graceless fumbling mentioned above, but it’s not cool. As soon as a singsongy exclamation like “Kisses!” leaves your mouth, you hear your voice echoing in your head, and it sounds fake and dumb. Like after you laugh too loudly.
Time for a change.
How can our country be great if we’re all constantly worried about saying hello and goodbye?
We need a flat greeting. One uniform gesture for all relationships. I propose handshakes only. And it should be a harsh law, not just etiquette. So I can be like, “Oooh, I’d like to hug you, but it’s not worth the ten days in jail plus community service.”
Or, I’d be okay with this: always assume handshake. If it’s going to be more than the handshake, one party must announce their intentions. Remember the Antioch College sex policy? Probably not. (It was during the Date Rape-y Nineties.) The school instituted a rule that you had to ask permission at each step. “May I touch your collarbone underneath your blouse?”
This policy would be like that, but less tentative, more assertive: “I’m going to hug you.” Or, “Let’s double kiss.” No, never mind, that’s creepy and too close to the Dorky Demand.
Special rule for group interactions: if there are more than two people in either group, no introductions beyond “these are my friends” or “this is my family.” No handshakes, no hassle.
Will you vote for me?
Where do you stand on Greeting Reform? Do you agree that we need it? A vote for me is a vote for smoother greetings and less anxiety at gatherings.
What other greeting disasters have you experienced? How would you solve the problem?
Also, do you know where I’m supposed to sign up to run for President? I tried googling, but can’t find the info.
Tell me in the comments.
Worth waiting for. RLC
The religious people I grew up around would salute everyone so as not to be affronted with the possibility of cross-gender touching. It worked pretty well but it always seemed kind of militaristic for a lady in a wig and a long jean skirt and 6 kids before the age of 24.
Favorite line of all of your posts ever — Date-Rapey Nineties. Remember when everything was so Date-Rapey? The music was so much better then. . .
I love the salute idea! And what’s less sexy than a 6-time mom in a wig and long jean skirt? (Don’t forget the black velvet flats.) I think a salute is appropriately unsexy.
some of those jean skirts can be real tight and the wigs these days can be like a good weave — kind of like Kim Z with less makeup
and a better wig
A propos of The Clueless-with-Kids Screwup: I’ve found that with kids I can just ask “Can I get a hug and kiss?” and then when they say no, I’m cool with that, as my spirit is already broken, and at least I’ve preserved their innocence for another few minutes.
I refuse to ask for a hug and kiss I don’t really need. I’d be cool if kids just took the initiative to say, “Goodbye! Don’t hug and kiss me.”
Three kisses in the Netherlands is just over the top, and I hate being forced to hug people I don’t really like.
Isn’t it bad enough that they get so little sunlight in the Netherlands? Why make everyone suffer through a third kiss, too?
Well no Head Dancing Hug for you next time I see you! Its definitely a Hi-5!! Love this post.. you get my vote!!!
🙂 Karolyn
Thanks, Karolyn. If you dig in the archives here you’ll see that the hi 5 might not go so well. Let’s make it a Head Dance Hug, but choreograph the dance. That will make it more graceful.
Laura, you’re back in great form, it was worth the wait! I still haven’t decided who to vote for.
If I am with someone leaning in for a goodbye kiss I sometimes yell out “hand shake!” but it seems to startle “people.” If they seem offended I give a quick lick on the cheek as compensation. Then I slowly back away, miming the “call me”.
Thanks, PA! I think startling is the way to go, but you’re not taking it far enough. Get either a whistle or a fog horn, and blow it before you yell “handshake!” They’ll be so stunned you’ll have time to lick both cheeks.
I found your response refreshing. OK, I’ll vote for you.
I vote high five or elaborate secret handshake. And I would definitely vote Laura for Pres if there was a mando tube top law. Glad you’re back. Still haven’t recovered from your potato chip snack foods post. Xoxo, Suzanne
Thank you for your vote, Suzanne! However, as an informed voter, you should be aware that I won’t legalize high fives. There’s a post in here somewhere that explains why.
It’s the smooches with lipstick that get me. The smoocher will try to atone by wiping off the goo with their fingers. Yuck. Your Aunt Lucy will tell her own story, but a capsulized version is her attempt to avoid a certain cousin’s “liver lips” by refusing to have a reception line at her wedding. It didn’t work for either of us. I ran away, but he caught me. At least he didn’t wear lipstick.
How about all those kisses between people who have never met before? They’re often third cousins three times removed who think they should kiss because we’re related somehow.
You’ve pinned it all down. I’ll vote for you anytime, but I won’t shake hands. You get kisses and hugs, because you’re mine.
I know exactly who Liver Lips was!
I hate obligatory kisses. But you can have a voluntary one from me.
You nailed it:
“Usually a fellow American who leads a “jet set” lifestyle and calls Europe “The Continent”…” haha
I totally get you…I think most of your votes will come from WASPs. I hate the whole physical touch thing with people I don’t know or even don’t really like…and then the kiss!!!! Ugh! And the germs!!!
And think about this…I have hyper hydrosis (nerdy, I know) in my hands…so at random times they will sweat profusely…I can’t tell you how hard it is to get out of a handshake. I’ve tried the Japanese route with a head nod…and then I’ve just come straight out and said, “No really, I couldn’t do this to you, my hands are slimey sweaty…” And they still insist!!! Ugh. And then they fake that it wasn’t gross. I’ve started to enjoy sliming people! Like “OK Suckah…you asked for it!!!”
I have hyper hydrous on (in? of?) my feet. Luckily, there are no foot shakes. However, my flip flops can get pretty slip-and-slidey. TMI?
I am a creep. I’m going to start “Mmmmmmm March” and hug the sh*t out of everyone. Bring on the awkward!
I’m going to do the “mmmm” and maybe a creepy back rub for some extra flava’.
Thank you for the inspiration, Belgray. You are one cool cat. Please don’t make us wait so long next time.
I won’t make you wait so long if you promise not to “mmmm” me! But I do want to watch you do it to other victims.
I would donate money to your presidential campaign!
you could run on the platform of having watched every episode of Westwing 3 times (which I’m guessing from your love of all things TV ~ maybe you have!)
I had my own greeting snafu the other night. Hubby and I were in the grocery store and when I found him in the veggie aisle I noticed him talking to a gentleman who was clearly of the jewish faith (head beanie, dangly tassle thingies coming down from underneath his shirt). He introduced himself and I immediately stuck out my hand to shake hands and then realized that he could not shake a woman’s hand and let out a “oh!” as if I had just been shocked by those hidden hand buzzers kids use to have and then did a tuck my hair behind my ear move to make it look less awkward (it didn’t, it still was).
jill
Hmmm…hard to say, if he had the yarmulke but not the payis. I’m not sure at what point in the observant spectrum they stop shaking hands. But no, the “my hand was just on the way to my head” gambit rarely fools anyone.
I feel pretty well versed on History and tube tops, perhaps I could balance out the ticket.
Consider yourself my Joe Biden.
So true! This happens to me sometimes with my nutrition clients. I want to stay professional and do the handshake, but it usually ends up as a hug, because the work is so personal… and I’m a hugger… but then the awkward kiss is the one that gets me every time! I was laughing out loud as I read! The worst is trying to do the double kiss with someone who you know always does the double kiss… but you consistently try to go to the same side, end up almost kissing, and then have a really awkward giggle because it’s the 7th time you’ve almost locked lips with her.
Thanks for the entertaining post! I didn’t realize how much I missed reading them until I got this one today. So welcome back. I’ll be voting for you in the upcoming election.
Why can’t we agree on a kissing side, the same way we do for driving? Everyone go to the right first.
Look who’s also talking about the same topic today! http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/3/16/pucker-up-st-patrick.html
Love cakewrecks.com. I didn’t cover the whole category of drunken kisses!
I love you, and I’m so glad you’re back.
This is so funny because a few years ago I was dating a guy who was a dental student, and whenever we’d hang out with his friends I was never sure how to greet them. Sometimes they’d go in for the hug, I wasn’t ready for it-it was consistently awkward and I’m one of the least awkward people ever so it was extra awkward that it was awkward (make sense?)–so much so that he called me out on it once and from then on I decided “I’m a hugger” I hug every damn person I meet or run into while exclaiming “I’m a hugger” if necessary and sometimes “bring it in for the real deal” hoping they’ve seen Wedding Crashers and get the Vince Vaughn reference.
My favorite detail: that the guy was a dental student. Were his friends dental students? Do you think dentists are more wishy-washy in their greetings?
I like that you picked something and have stuck with it. We should all be required to commit to one action, and announce it, so everyone knows what to do. Otherwise, it’s all a game of rock paper scissors.
First off, WELCOME BACK!!! I really missed you.
Second, you have my vote just on your perception skills for awkward moments alone.
Third, I’m still hugging you next time I run into you consider this my warning 😉
-Bern
Bern! Thanks for pledging your support. And, for hug-warning me. I will be prepared.
Tube tops. Hot pants. Good times.
I’m sure you look great in both.
Just because you asked 😉
How To Get On The Presidential Ballot
Filing fees?!! What a drag. It says it costs like 8 thousand bucks to register. I guess I could do a Kickstarter campaign.
Ugh, those group intros are the worst. They go on forever, and I never remember one person’s name. There’s usually an intro-hugger in the group, too. That’s the person who hugs on first meeting and also first farewell.
The power-huggers scare me the most. They’re the hug-equivalent of the double-kissers. You think you’re getting a quick hug and then they hold you till dinnertime. Sometimes with a sound effect, like “mmmmmm.” Ewww.
I propose mandatory chest-bumps. They cover all the bases, and you can perform them with a cold.
Oh, the power hug is the WORST! The “mmmm” makes me gag. I’m thinking right now of someone who does that. She also wears acrylic shirts and no deodorant. Her power hugs come with power stink.
I don’t love girl-on-girl chest bumps. Guys are too eager to watch.