Are you freaked out about getting old?
I used to be. I formed my notions about aging by observing my grandparents. They gave me the idea that getting old meant:
- worrying your grandkids will catch pneumonia if they don’t zip up
- having a glass dish filled with either stale, slightly chewy peppermints or other hard candies, in unwanted flavors like rasberry and pineapple
- living in a one-bedroom apartment that’s furnished in shades of mustard
- wearing itchy, polyester knit pants
- calling a gerbil a “gherbil” – pronounced with a hard “g”, like “gherkin”
- being afraid to try Chinese food
It seems like I got the wrong impression.
Based on a all the pictures I’ve seen, being old has changed. Or, my grandparents didn’t know how to do it right.
It turns out that getting old is nothing to be scared of.
Here are the top five changes to expect:
1) You will spend all your time on the beach with your sweetheart. Activities will include walking in the surf holding hands, dancing at the water’s edge, or sitting in the dunes just drinking in the beauty. And, of course, each other.
2) Your wardrobe will shift to a neutral palette of whites, pastels, and khakis, which will hang elegantly from your fairly fit frame.
3) Your hair will turn silver, but remain thick and healthy.
4) You’ll start to have that “old people smell.” But old people smell, contrary to myth, is very pleasant — a mixture of fresh sea air, sandalwood, and beach bonfires.
5) Say sayonara to the bedroom. You will never leave the beach, not even to knock boots. You’ll satisfy your still-raging sexual urges together but separately, in the comfort of side-by-side, outdoor porcelain tubs. You don’t have to move a muscle, because the sex happens telepathically while you admire the sunset.
We’re all aware of this, thanks to Cialis ads, but probably haven’t considered how perfectly it works out. No effort, no need for a shower afterwards. Imagine: doing it on the beach without getting any sand in your crack.
It’s good to be old! I’m psyched.
My doctor said, “Sure, enjoy the tubs and cialis and all that stuff.” So I followed his advice which led me to wind up alone. Your mother had fled from her twin-tub-on-the-beach and I was left mad as hell at the doctor and you and your mother, shivering in my own tub. I longed for a sterno-heated pup tent instead. Growing old ain't easy. You can say I said so.
Love, Dad
Ah, the power of free association. Dad, I think you're supposed to tell these daydreams to your shrink.
Also: I can't believe you'd ask a practitioner of western medicine for advice.
Love, Laura
No words…
You know what? I'll take a non-comment comment over no comment. That's how excited I am to get a comment.
Only because I can't possibly say anything that will top this. Hilarious. I need to start shopping for some neutrals…
My doctor said, “Sure, enjoy the tubs and cialis and all that stuff.” So I followed his advice which led me to wind up alone. Your mother had fled from her twin-tub-on-the-beach and I was left mad as hell at the doctor and you and your mother, shivering in my own tub. I longed for a sterno-heated pup tent instead. Growing old ain’t easy. You can say I said so.
Love, Dad
Ah, the power of free association. Dad, I think you’re supposed to tell these daydreams to your shrink.
Also: I can’t believe you’d ask a practitioner of western medicine for advice.
Love, Laura
No words…
You know what? I’ll take a non-comment comment over no comment. That’s how excited I am to get a comment.
Only because I can’t possibly say anything that will top this. Hilarious. I need to start shopping for some neutrals…
I was scared to look at this, but now I see I'm older (probably) than anyone in these ads. I laugh every time I see these ads. All those doctors of “ask your doctor if _____ is right for you” must get tired. I think separate bathtubs are a genius idea. They're just so heavy to carry to the beach, we might throw our backs out on the way.
Mom, you're not older – you're just not doing the right stuff. You wear dark colors, summer in the woods, and sleep with dad in a bed. Tsk tsk! Ask your doctor if khakis, the beach, and separate tubs are right for you.
Harumph.
You sound old, Dave Doolin.
It was all good until I turned 99.
Ha!
That ad is a bit special…
I remember having to do a case study on Cialis in grad school. When I winced, the prof said “Don't worry, you'll have some in your medicine cabinet when you get old.” He was old. He knew about the separate bathtubs watching the sunset, even in NYC…
There's no room for separate tubs in NYC. I don't know what old people here do.
Old people do not have to use telepathy.
Really? Not even from separate tubs?
I was scared to look at this, but now I see I’m older (probably) than anyone in these ads. I laugh every time I see these ads. All those doctors of “ask your doctor if _____ is right for you” must get tired. I think separate bathtubs are a genius idea. They’re just so heavy to carry to the beach, we might throw our backs out on the way.
Mom, you’re not older – you’re just not doing the right stuff. You wear dark colors, summer in the woods, and sleep with dad in a bed. Tsk tsk! Ask your doctor if khakis, the beach, and separate tubs are right for you.
Harumph.
You sound old, Dave Doolin.
It was all good until I turned 99.
Ha!
That ad is a bit special…
I remember having to do a case study on Cialis in grad school. When I winced, the prof said “Don’t worry, you’ll have some in your medicine cabinet when you get old.” He was old. He knew about the separate bathtubs watching the sunset, even in NYC…
There’s no room for separate tubs in NYC. I don’t know what old people here do.
I always thought that 1. You had to move to Jersey 2. You only drink Manischevitz – which is especially weird bc my grandma was from Sweden, but everything she knows about the US was Jewish, having brought her family up in Queens (she said Oy Vey a lot) 3. you start kissing people right on the mouth, and somehow ones lips are always really wet 4. You bake a lot, so I've got that going for me 5. Say so long to grandpa since you are going to outlive him by at least 20 years.
The wet lips thing is true. And yet, accompanied by a dry-mouthed, spittle-y sound when you talk. I call this “banana mouth.” It's the worst sound in the world.
Can we hire decorative old people? They would really liven up my backyard.
Yes! They'd be great in a garden or yard. Especially in the warm months – they're very summery. The only problem is getting them off the beach.
That's why I would only hire them. In winter they will be replaced with cutesy children in mittens, of course.
LOL I think that same thing every time I see that commercial!
I would've loved to be at that ad agency brainstorm.
Old people do not have to use telepathy.
Really? Not even from separate tubs?
I always thought that 1. You had to move to Jersey 2. You only drink Manischevitz – which is especially weird bc my grandma was from Sweden, but everything she knows about the US was Jewish, having brought her family up in Queens (she said Oy Vey a lot) 3. you start kissing people right on the mouth, and somehow ones lips are always really wet 4. You bake a lot, so I’ve got that going for me 5. Say so long to grandpa since you are going to outlive him by at least 20 years.
The wet lips thing is true. And yet, accompanied by a dry-mouthed, spittle-y sound when you talk. I call this “banana mouth.” It’s the worst sound in the world.
Can we hire decorative old people? They would really liven up my backyard.
Yes! They’d be great in a garden or yard. Especially in the warm months – they’re very summery. The only problem is getting them off the beach.
That’s why I would only hire them. In winter they will be replaced with cutesy children in mittens, of course.
In answer to your comment
you yourself will be old one day and then maybe you can sit at the bottom of your garden to decorate it
LOL I think that same thing every time I see that commercial!
I would’ve loved to be at that ad agency brainstorm.