Are you freaked out about getting old?
I used to be. I formed my notions about aging by observing my grandparents. They gave me the idea that getting old meant:
- worrying your grandkids will catch pneumonia if they don’t zip up
- having a glass dish filled with either stale, slightly chewy peppermints or other hard candies, in unwanted flavors like rasberry and pineapple
- living in a one-bedroom apartment that’s furnished in shades of mustard
- wearing itchy, polyester knit pants
- calling a gerbil a “gherbil” – pronounced with a hard “g”, like “gherkin”
- being afraid to try Chinese food
It seems like I got the wrong impression.
Based on a all the pictures I’ve seen, being old has changed. Or, my grandparents didn’t know how to do it right.
It turns out that getting old is nothing to be scared of.
Here are the top five changes to expect:
1) You will spend all your time on the beach with your sweetheart. Activities will include walking in the surf holding hands, dancing at the water’s edge, or sitting in the dunes just drinking in the beauty. And, of course, each other.
2) Your wardrobe will shift to a neutral palette of whites, pastels, and khakis, which will hang elegantly from your fairly fit frame.
3) Your hair will turn silver, but remain thick and healthy.
4) You’ll start to have that “old people smell.” But old people smell, contrary to myth, is very pleasant — a mixture of fresh sea air, sandalwood, and beach bonfires.
5) Say sayonara to the bedroom. You will never leave the beach, not even to knock boots. You’ll satisfy your still-raging sexual urges together but separately, in the comfort of side-by-side, outdoor porcelain tubs. You don’t have to move a muscle, because the sex happens telepathically while you admire the sunset.
We’re all aware of this, thanks to Cialis ads, but probably haven’t considered how perfectly it works out. No effort, no need for a shower afterwards. Imagine: doing it on the beach without getting any sand in your crack.
It’s good to be old! I’m psyched.