I’m not a picky eater. I love most food.
But there’s one thing that makes me gag.If it’s on my plate I can’t eat it. If someone at the same table has it, I have to breathe through my mouth — which is good incentive for everyone else not to order it, because who wants to dine with a mouth breather?
The offensive ingredient? Truffles.
Right, that stuff that people cream (of mushroom) over, and pay lots of money to eat. Do you know how much truffles cost? A lot. If you had a pound of white truffle, you could trade it for a brand new Macbook Pro, or a night with a high-class hooker. At least.
Truffles are expensive because they’re rare. Special hogs have to dig them up.
But they’d be cheap as rock salt if no one wanted them. People think truffles taste like heaven on a cracker.
So, because they make me dry heave, does that mean truffles suck?
Yes, indeed. It means truffles are over. It means those truffle hogs in Alba should fold up their truffle tents and try something else. Like selling vacation timeshares in Virginia Beach.
Or…OR…it means that truffles are awesome, and I just don’t like them.
Just something to remember if someone doesn’t like your writing. Or anything else you do.
It always helps me.
If a friend says my last blog post was ass, or an anonymous commenter says I write like a retard, or a client tells me my script “just doesn’t do it” for them, my first impulse is to throw myself in front of an oncoming vehicle. OK, maybe just a slow-moving hot dog cart. Or at least a package of stale Wheat Thins that I don’t even want. I’ll eat the whole box.
Because I’m shit!
All those people who told me I should write are wrong and stupid. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Or maybe they were lying to be nice. Or just high on drugs. Or maybe I USED to be a good writer, but that’s all behind me now.
What’s in front of me is a life of failure and poverty. I will end up living in a mildewed, roach-infested, one-room apartment over someone’s garage, eating tuna from a can on Christmas, like Fonzie did that one time. That’s what I start to think.
But then I remember this:
For everything that’s great, there’s someone out there who HATES it.
Every one of my favorite books, movies, tv shows, paintings, restaurants, sweaters, [INSERT SUBJECTIVE THING HERE] is total garbage to somebody else.
I loved the movie “Lost In Translation” – but my friend Bruce, who saw it after I came back raving that it was the best movie EVER, thought it kind of sucked. “I was a little alarmed that you thought it was so good,” he remembers. “It was completely indulgent.”
Is Bruce right? Well, I don’t know, I haven’t seen it in about five years. Maybe I’d agree with him now.
But even if I did, should Sophia Coppola curl up in the fetal position and cry? Should she quit directing?
No. Because who are we? What do Bruce and I know?
Bruce is probably saying, “Everything, dammit.”
But I hate truffles. And I hated the movie Crash. According to the Academy, it was the best picture of 2005. Me, I thought it was so overwritten and overacted and smug that I could barely get through 5 minutes. Well, that’s not really true: I watched the whole thing, but only because I enjoy booing.
And Bruce? Bruce hates all kinds of awesome things.
He hates 16 Candles. 16 Candles, for chrissake! He hates Long Duk Dong! How can you hate The Donger?
Bruce also can’t fathom how anyone born of human flesh could drink a big glass of milk or eat anything with onions in it, even cooked ones.
Does that mean millions of people are wrong about milk and cookies? Or French onion soup?
No more than they are about my writing.
OK, there aren’t millions of people who love my writing. Let’s say, 50. Let’s say 10. Even if it’s just me and my mother, I don’t have to take it to heart if someone else says it’s no good.
Actually, my mother herself didn’t like one of my posts.
Fine, Mom. Doesn’t bother me.
CORRECTION:
Bruce didn’t hate Lost In Translation, or think it “kind of sucked.” He says it’s “just not on a level with Goodfellas, or Bad Santa.” Fair enough, Bruce. Fair enough.
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wow. great post. who knew you had the phear of lonely can o tuna. thanks for showing off your vulnerable side. it’s quite lovely.
“What’s in front of me is a life of failure and poverty. I will end up living in a mildewed, roach-infested, one-room apartment over someone’s garage, eating tuna from a can on Christmas, like Fonzie did that one time. That’s what I start to think.”
I think that alone just inspired another blog post from me! You’re completely right: if other people don’t like your stuff, that’s their problem. Your writing is great for me personally. Strong, opinionated, and eloquent. For the record, I don’t like truffles either. Or caviar. We should make a club.
.-= Holly´s last blog ..Cottage Copy Consulting Giveaway! =-.
We’re having an inspiration volley! Love it.
Boo truffles! If we have a club, we need a clubhouse. First rule of the clubhouse: no baggies, no sneakers, no truffles.
This is fantastic, chica!
Thank you
Thanks, Natalia!
ROFL! I love your writting! Keep up the good work… (I’m eating a bacon and truffel sandwich right now btw)
.-= Skippa´s last blog ..Highway to Hate =-.
Hilarious and so true.
I’m seeing a formula here —
Truth + humor = easier to take
Thanks!
.-= Claire´s last blog ..They sound like ladies =-.
Hi Claire,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I notice your blog isn’t lacking in the humor department.
“They Sound Like Ladies” is a great band name.
Laura –
I not only love your stuff, as I’ve told you before…
sometimes I’m insanely jealous. Keep making me jealous, it inspires me to keep on writing.
Thanks, Linda.
Point me to one writer who says they don’t get writers envy.
(And I’ll punch them in the face because I know they’re lying.)
Brilliant! Just brilliant.
I’m with Marguerite regarding the cat food. I mean tuna.
Thank you! I can handle the tuna when it’s opened, but later, the stink from the empty can…ick. Even when you wash it.
I hate truffles.
I loved “Lost In Translation”.
I crave positive feedback for my writing.
Feeling pretty good right about now because you and I are SO on the same page… but wait….
I HATE Long Duk Dong.
Love “16 Candles”, though.
Here’s my disclosure… I can’t stand “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (OK, people, stop throwing things) – I know, I am the only person in the universe… But at least I’m with the universe when it comes to your writing – fabulous!!
Well, it’s not like I’d go OUT with the Donger or anything. But he’s an essential, delightfully un-PC part of that film.
I liked Ferris Bueller, but I can see not liking it. His character is pretty annoying. I really just like it when Principal Rooney eats the gummy bear at the end.
Thanks for siding with the universe on my writing!
Your friends say that your blog posts are ass?
Sheesh.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..How to make sure you fight at Christmas =-.
Nah. That’s hypothetical an’ shit. But if they do say that, I’m ready.
This is just what I have needed to read for a while as have been getitng lots of these sorts of people saying what I write is shit etc and it really can get you down at times but this post is getting bookmarked for sure and will refer back to it when somebody says something bad.
I wuld go a bit further TBH and say if people disagree strongly with what you are writing and writing long comments to the contrary then you are probably doing the right thing because if your writing is good enough to get a reaction out of somebody and get some comments then you are cleary doing something right.
Oh and you are wrong about truffles, they rock 🙂
Hi Niall,
Now, if someone says something bad about my blog, I’ll refer to your bookmark. Very reaffirming, thank you.
True though, I welcome disagreers. Which is why I’m glad to have you defending truffles. Looks like I hit a nerve with the truffle-lovers.
OK, first a few disclosures:
I like truffles (plugging ears so as not to hear gagging noises because gagging noises make me gag).
Next disclosure: I liked Crash. The coolest aspect was that all the stories were interconnected but you didn’t find that out til nearly the end of the movie.
End of disclosures.
All that disclosing is not to say that you suck or your writing sucks just because we disagree on a few matters of taste. After all, there’s no accounting for taste. In fact, your writing doesn’t suck at all. It’s very entertaining, and don’t just take it from me. That is the official position of the Universe. Yes, folks, the Universe has weighed in on this question and after very serious and in depth consideration has determined that your writing is simply fabulous. “Anyone who disagrees will be removed immediately from the premises”, Universe was quoted as saying. So there. You rock. Get used to it.
Thanks, Cuz!
Thanks, Universe!
No comment on you liking Crash. Because I guess I already made that comment. Anyway, the Academy agrees with you. And they’ve never been wrong.
To clarify, I did not dislike “Lost In Translation.” I just thought it was overrated (by you). It was “Boogie Nights” that I found to be highly self-indulgent and too pleased with itself and I couldn’t believe how many people were foaming at the mouth at how brilliant it was. But “Boogie Nights” had some good things in it. “Magnolia,” however, I totally despised, but then again I only saw it on a pan and scan VHS. I agree with you about “Crash.” The other “Crash” by David Cronenberg, however, is worth viewing.
See, there you go – I loved Boogie Nights even more than Lost In Translation.
So, the fact that you feel the way you do about that brilliant film puts extra weight behind my point: just because someone doesn’t think something is absolutely brilliant, doesn’t mean they’re right.
Just another of the many ways you’ve helped me with my writing. For real.
I totally dig that. Not everyone is going to like everything you do, and not everyone likes truffles. I personally don’t find them to be that special. 😉 But I do like your writing! 😀
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..5 Profound, Yet Simple Ways Juicing Can Transform Your Life =-.
Thanks, Nathalie!
Appreciate that. And before I read your blog post, I hope it’s not about juicing truffles.
If people don’t like what I have to say, they can kiss my ass. They can disagree, and that’s fine. But if they’re going to actively dislike what I say? Ass. Kiss. My.
But I do want to know if I can pay for high-class hookers with truffles. I mean hot ones. Like Julia Roberts. Or Paris Hilton.
There are special hogs who can dig up hot hookers for you. But once you find them, I think they only take paypal.
I’m actually hoping someone will actively dislike what I say here on the blog. Hate comments generate lots of traffic!
Great post Laura! I kind of knew that you didn’t like truffles, but I think I blocked it out because I love ya girl. Now I know fo sho. Ps I love everything you write 🙂
Thanks, lady.
A lot of my friends have had to block out, or overlook that info. It’s like saying you don’t like children or puppies or ice cream.
…or puppy-flavored ice cream. with chunks of little children in it. mmm. who couldn’t like that?
Only a monster.
You’re a genius.
If someone doesn’t hate what you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.
Thanks, Scott.
Well then, bring on the haters!