I am so not spiritual.
Inspirational sayings on a sunset background make me gag just like when I accidentally eat a hair in a salad.
I hate yoga. #zzzzzzzzisitoveryet? But maybe I’d do it if there were no chanting and the teacher yelled instead of talking in that breathy voice. And if it were dancing instead of yoga.
Vegan food = what’s the point of living.
If I ever try meditating, it’ll be so I can focus more and waste less time when I’m making money.
When you use the adverb triple “mentally, emotionally and spiritually” I feel like you’ve wasted two words’ worth of my life. What’s the dif?
I have friends who call themselves spiritual. And I’m sure they are. But what does that mean?
What is spirituality?
Is it laughing and frolicking with butterflies and hummingbirds? Believing in the power of crystals? Wearing loose, flowy clothing made from eco-sustainable fibers and sold by a store with an awkwardly feminist name like What A Woman Wants? (This store exists near a friend’s house in San Rafael, California.)
Is it arching your back in silhouette against the rising sun like a spa brochure photo? Saying “Thank the Universe” instead of “Thank God”? Eating chia? Drinking tea? (Fucking tea.)
Is it closing your eyes whenever you’re deeply moved, and inhaling noisily through your nose like you just smelled fresh, hot muffins?
Making eye contact for longer than is necessary? “Holding space” for whatever you hold space for? (Is that like saving room for dessert?)
Grabbing someone’s hand and holding it to your heart, which, let’s face it, is also your boob?
Does it mean talking to spirits? If so, I’m OK with that. I have a good friend who’s a medium. But what about the rest of y’all?
Is it saying only what is necessary, true, and kind? As my Colombian friend Manuel says, “Que boring.”
Does it mean being a good person? Feeling a connection to others? Being aware that there’s something bigger than yourself? OK. But isn’t that just called “not being a narcissistic egomaniac psycho”?
These are my questions, spiritual people. I’m sorry. But I’m sure you’ll forgive me, because that’s very spiritual.
Are you spiritual? If so, what the F does that MEAN?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.