To Santa:
Do you know that this past Saturday, there were several thousand douchebags dressed like you, wandering around New York in drunken packs, blocking the sidewalks and puking in the street? They must have learned this from you.
You need to be a better role model.
Don’t get shitfaced in West Village college bars, don’t roofie girls dressed as elves, and wash that damn, grimy, matted red suit once in a decade. Maybe these turds will follow your example by cleaning themselves and staying home.
Also…now that I’ve made you feel tiny and worthless, my requests:
For Christmas, I don’t want any stuff. I have so much fucking stuff. The closets don’t close in here. There are sweaters under my bed in plastic Container Store bins. The jewelry’s all tangled up because I’ve had to put another layer on top of the nice, organized layer I just arranged about a month ago.
Please give me things that don’t take up any room. I’ve made a quick wishlist off the top of my head. I’ll probably add more in the next week.
Here’s what I want this year:
A bottomless metabolism.
I’d never get tired of that or give it to Goodwill. Can you imagine, never having to think about calories? Maybe you can. I have a friend or two who can eat anything, and I’m so jealous I can barely look them in the eye. If I had that superpower, I’d be like Garfield and eat lasagna all day, alternated with ice cream and cookie dough. And I’d barely need any clothes, because just jeans and a t-shirt would hang so gracefully. That would be my uniform, and I’d accessorize it with different necklaces. I’d need a lot of t-shirts because they’d get lasagna stains on them, but they’re cheap.
Invisibility
I’ve always wanted the power to disappear so I could do two things:
1. Eavesdrop. I’m really nosy, and people tend to hush their voices when they can tell I’m listening. I don’t want them holding back. Whether they’re strangers or friends, I want to hear everyone’s private conversations. Especially the arguments. I love confrontations that don’t involve me.
If I can’t have invisibility, I might settle for that device I’ve seen on TV that gives you sonic hearing. The ad shows how it lets you hear people on the beach complimenting your body from like 40 feet away. So not only would I get to hear them fighting, but I’d get to hear them say “Wow, look at that hot skinny chick in the bikini stuffing her face with lasagna. How does she do it?”
2. Take the empty seats in First Class. If no one can see you there, you can’t get kicked out. I realize this is a flawed plan. No one has ever really resolved what happens to clothes and stuff like that when you’re invisible. If they don’t turn invisible with you, then you have to take them off and sit nude in an airplane seat. Even in First Class, not advisable. Plus, what about the cushy, down blanket? That would show the shape of the person underneath it. And what am I gonna do, not use the blanket? That’s one of the best things in First Class. It’s luxurious and (allegedly) sterile. Also, if you’re invisible, no one takes your order for the gourmet meal.
So there are still some kinks to be worked out with the flying part.
Business genius
I want to create an internet startup that sells for hundreds of millions. That’s really all I need. It doesn’t have to be billions. I need enough for luxurious trips, a bigger home, another home somewhere warm, presents for people who do want stuff, a pony for my nephew, and unlimited lasagna. So very high 7 figures will do nicely. I know how to sell my writing services, but it takes a different kind of mind to start a big company that gets purchased in a bidding war. Or maybe my mind would be adequate if I just had more tech skills. That’s fixable. I’m going to look up “how to develop a hugely popular app and turn it into a fortune” on ehow. So, Santa, scratch that one. I’ll figure it out online.
Stun-gun eyes
I’d like to be able to taze people, such as packs of boozey, asshole santas, from across the street. The electricity would shoot out of my eyes. No one would ever know it was me.
To anyone who thinks I’m selfish:
I am. Also, scores of people already have peace on earth on their wish lists, so I don’t need to cover it.
To my husband:
I still want the stuff you get me, because you have really good taste. Thanks!
I have a “crush” on your writing. Damn it you’re good. I’ve been laughing (alone) like an idiot every second I made it through another sentence. Also, why do I love the fowl language on your blog? Thanks for the confidence-maybe I’ll write a post “This Tomato Soup is NOT shitty?! So try it.” Bottomless metabolism! Hell yeah. You know how annoying it is to be a dietitian and have “food police” watch ME stuff a cupcake in my mouth?
To my husband: I’ll take your gifts too, cause you have exquisite taste and I like STUFF, but this year that Canon DSLR camera will really perk me right up.
I have a “crush” on your writing. Damn it you’re good. I’ve been laughing (alone) like an idiot every second I made it through another sentence. Also, why do I love the fowl language on your blog? Thanks for the confidence-maybe I’ll write a post “This Tomato Soup is NOT shitty?! So try it.” Bottomless metabolism! Hell yeah. You know how annoying it is to be a dietitian and have “food police” watch ME stuff a cupcake in my mouth?
To my husband: I’ll take your gifts too, cause you have exquisite taste and I like STUFF, but this year that Canon DSLR camera will really perk me right up.
Can I add to my list, “I want to be as smart and witty as Laura?” Hysterical- as usual!
Can I add to my list, “I want to be as smart and witty as Laura?” Hysterical- as usual!
Laura, I with you in the invisible desire. It would be SO fun!! Hilarious, as usual!!
Thanks, Theresa. If they could make The Internet, they can turn us invisible.
Laura, I with you in the invisible desire. It would be SO fun!! Hilarious, as usual!!
Thanks, Theresa. If they could make The Internet, they can turn us invisible.
Thanks, Theresa. If they could make The Internet, they can turn us invisible.
hahahaha!
Maybe Santa can address all your wants at the Santa Convention!
The want is to taze the entire santa convention, so that’ll be hard.
hahahaha!
Maybe Santa can address all your wants at the Santa Convention!
hahahaha!
Maybe Santa can address all your wants at the Santa Convention!
The want is to taze the entire santa convention, so that’ll be hard.
Aww that’s so sweet that you want to get Samson a pony. Can you please add stables for said pony and a sweet estate to go with them? And I’ll also take one of everything else on your list. (You always had the best wish lists!)
Yes to all that. I’m going to throw in a llama farm. I’m his aunt – I get to spoil him.
Aww that’s so sweet that you want to get Samson a pony. Can you please add stables for said pony and a sweet estate to go with them? And I’ll also take one of everything else on your list. (You always had the best wish lists!)
Yes to all that. I’m going to throw in a llama farm. I’m his aunt – I get to spoil him.
Aahhaha! I was in NYC this week-end and saw the drunk santas! I wasn’t aware that they did this kind of thing, and felt bad for the kids who had to see their hero drinking vodka on the subway… what’s up with that?!
Love your list. And maybe you can make an app that turns you invisible… that would be worth millions. 😉
Nathalie, that’s genius. You know code – start working on it. I’ll make you a partner.
Aahhaha! I was in NYC this week-end and saw the drunk santas! I wasn’t aware that they did this kind of thing, and felt bad for the kids who had to see their hero drinking vodka on the subway… what’s up with that?!
Love your list. And maybe you can make an app that turns you invisible… that would be worth millions. 😉
Nathalie, that’s genius. You know code – start working on it. I’ll make you a partner.
I would add “total immortality” to that list. Because if I live long enough, I’ll figure the rest of it out, right?
I WILL OUTLIVE SANTA!
Oh, I read that as “total immorality” – which would be a great gift. Imagine, not feeling guilty every time you stole something from the supermarket? That would be such a relief.
I would add “total immortality” to that list. Because if I live long enough, I’ll figure the rest of it out, right?
I WILL OUTLIVE SANTA!
Oh, I read that as “total immorality” – which would be a great gift. Imagine, not feeling guilty every time you stole something from the supermarket? That would be such a relief.
Stun Gun Eyes = brilliant!
I want a pair too! LOL
They’re flying off the shelves, like Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Stun Gun Eyes = brilliant!
I want a pair too! LOL
They’re flying off the shelves, like Cabbage Patch Dolls.
What a relief. Now I can return all the stuff I got for you from Fowad’s Young Missy department. I thought I was the one with good taste.
Wait, did you get me Husky jeans? A jr. Sansabelt suit? I really want those! Don’t take them back.
What a relief. Now I can return all the stuff I got for you from Fowad’s Young Missy department. I thought I was the one with good taste.
Wait, did you get me Husky jeans? A jr. Sansabelt suit? I really want those! Don’t take them back.
Laura I’ve been reading your blog ever since RHH Live and I love that it always make me laugh outloud! Funny – I was just saying this weekend that I wish I could taze douchebag pub-crawling Santas, or at least get my hands on the person who started the trend. I better add stun-gun eyes to my list before it’s too late! Happy Holidays!
How awful are they? There should be a tax for coming into the city like that. Thanks for reading, Heather. Glad to have you here!
Laura I’ve been reading your blog ever since RHH Live and I love that it always make me laugh outloud! Funny – I was just saying this weekend that I wish I could taze douchebag pub-crawling Santas, or at least get my hands on the person who started the trend. I better add stun-gun eyes to my list before it’s too late! Happy Holidays!
How awful are they? There should be a tax for coming into the city like that. Thanks for reading, Heather. Glad to have you here!
Funny stuff. Always look forward to your insight. I too am looking for that high 7 figure startup that someone will buy from me, after a major bidding war. Those are the only wars I like. Haven’t had one yet, but still on the lookout! Merry Merry and Happy Happy!
Yes! Arms are for hugging and wars are for bidding. We definitely need more bidding wars in this world, and people like us need to be at the center of them. Happy everything to you!
Funny stuff. Always look forward to your insight. I too am looking for that high 7 figure startup that someone will buy from me, after a major bidding war. Those are the only wars I like. Haven’t had one yet, but still on the lookout! Merry Merry and Happy Happy!
Yes! Arms are for hugging and wars are for bidding. We definitely need more bidding wars in this world, and people like us need to be at the center of them. Happy everything to you!
Note to self, don’t read your blogs when babysitting a sleeping child…I laugh too loud for that, and a napping kid is the best part of babysitting.
Hey, thanks for the compliment. My favorite kind. If that’s really the case, you need to ask Santa for a laugh silencer. Or, you need to drug the kid. Sprinkle crushed benadryl on the chicken fingers.
Note to self, don’t read your blogs when babysitting a sleeping child…I laugh too loud for that, and a napping kid is the best part of babysitting.
Hey, thanks for the compliment. My favorite kind. If that’s really the case, you need to ask Santa for a laugh silencer. Or, you need to drug the kid. Sprinkle crushed benadryl on the chicken fingers.