Sometimes, instead of wading through the whole Times to find the good stuff, I check the “most popular” page online. Popularity is important to me. I don’t have patience for unpopular articles.
But I don’t have patience for some of the popular ones, either. What’s the deal with this piece from last week that everyone apparently loves, and emails to each other, called “Why Can’t Middle Aged Women Have Long Hair?”
The whole piece is what I call a back-handed brag.
It should really be called, “Hey You Guys, I Can Grow Gorgeous, Sexy Hair Down to the Middle of My Back. Can’t Everyone My Age?”
It’s like if my 38-year-old friend Fran, who has impossibly beautiful legs that come up to about my neck, asked, “Why aren’t women over 35 supposed to wear mini skirts? I don’t get it.”
Or if a billionaire said, “People always think it’s such a big deal that I have my own plane. Do other people fly commercial because they’re afraid to be alone?”
The writer of this very popular NYT article claims everyone wants her to cut her long, thick, beautiful, glossy tresses because they’re age-inappropriate, too “seventies,” too high-maintenance. She implies that these are the reasons other women her age cave and cut their hair short.
Bullshit.
Other women cut their hair short because they can’t grow long, thick, beautiful, glossy tresses.
But this writer’s like, “Huh? I don’t get it! We could all have such long, gorgeous, flowing locks, and people don’t want us too because we’d be too hot and they couldn’t handle it! Why shouldn’t we braid our hair and then let it down for some cowboy when we go to bed, like our grandmothers did on the prairie?”
I’ll tell you why not: because any grandmother living on the prairie was a grandma by like, age 36. You know this if you’ve seen “Little House.” So nice, long hair was still physically achievable. Especially since they weren’t chowing down on processed foods like we are. They made their own bread, from flour they bought at Olsen’s General Store, and then churned their own butter.
They also kept their bodies young and fit by climbing to hand-built sleeping lofts, and by running across the prairie yelling their husbands’ names. (“CHARLES! CHARLES! MARY SENT A LETTER FROM BLIND SCHOOL!!!”) That kind of exercise must promote hair growth.
As for today’s grandmothers and middle-aged women, they have thinning hair.
Have you looked in the back pages of New York Magazine? They always feature photos of women sitting on the floor, head tilted shamefully downward both to express shame and to give us a better view of the sad bits of scalp.
Me, I have reasonably thick hair and the sink’s still full of strands every time I even shake my head.
So if you’re “middle aged” — what’s that, 0ver 45? — and have Lady Godiva hair, it’s not because you’re rebellious.
It’s because you’re lucky and have good genes. Or, you’re delusional about your hair’s beauty. Yes, it’s long, but also dull, ratty and sparse — like the dirty orange yarn strands on the Raggedy Ann doll I used to play with.
That doll needed a good dry cleaning and some Rogaine. Or, maybe, a short, flattering bob.
Hilarious…and so true! If my hair is still in good shape in 10 years…you better believe I am keeping it long!!!! On a side note: I straightened my hair yesterday..and a few guys I work with said…oh, you cut your hair or something. I said..no I straightened it…Oh…is straight better than curly…I said…you tell me….let me tell you a little secret…as women…especially as single women in this god damn city…we kind of do whatever attracts men….he says…REALLY? As though it is some sort of bizarre idea…maybe he has watched to many birds…where the man blusters and preens to attract the WOMANS attention…can I come back as a bird…not a gross rat pigeon…but a pretty bird that sings beautifully as the male birds try to get my attention….
How bout as a peacock? The male really works it hard. Did you straighten your hair because Patti Stanger told you to do it before you meet her millionaires at the mixer?
Hilarious…and so true! If my hair is still in good shape in 10 years…you better believe I am keeping it long!!!! On a side note: I straightened my hair yesterday..and a few guys I work with said…oh, you cut your hair or something. I said..no I straightened it…Oh…is straight better than curly…I said…you tell me….let me tell you a little secret…as women…especially as single women in this god damn city…we kind of do whatever attracts men….he says…REALLY? As though it is some sort of bizarre idea…maybe he has watched to many birds…where the man blusters and preens to attract the WOMANS attention…can I come back as a bird…not a gross rat pigeon…but a pretty bird that sings beautifully as the male birds try to get my attention….
How bout as a peacock? The male really works it hard. Did you straighten your hair because Patti Stanger told you to do it before you meet her millionaires at the mixer?
I'm having trouble concentrating after watching Carolyn churning butter. Something about hair. Sweet butter.
I’m having trouble concentrating after watching Carolyn churning butter. Something about hair. Sweet butter.
I am with that other reader below, the Little House references are perfect and hilarious. And I could not agree more with your take on the whole premise for that article. In-your-face vanity. So annoying.
I am with that other reader below, the Little House references are perfect and hilarious. And I could not agree more with your take on the whole premise for that article. In-your-face vanity. So annoying.
I read that article a few days ago, and it's been bugging me ever since. I rarely think about articles I like, but ones that just GRATE? Why are THOSE the ones that stick in my head? Thank you for this post! I didn't think about the 'my hair is long and glorious' angle. I was just thinking, 'You're a writer. So, basically you could shave your head and no one would care. Why are you complaining again?' Now maybe I can get that column out of my head. They should just give YOU all the columns.
So annoying, right? And yes, they should give me all the columns. Then, the Times would be full of references to Little House, Silver Spoons, and other important cultural touchstones. And way more readable.
I am an *extremely* manly lesbian who recently grew long hair. Why? Because I was tired of paying for haircuts that were inevitably not worth their price. I decided to teach stylists everywhere a thing or two by not getting my hair cut or trimmed for a year and a half. As usually happens with the silent treatment, it was very effective!
It was so stringy and gross. I looked like a greasy teenage skater boy with boobs. And graying hair.
(I've really got to change this stupid Disqus picture…)
You sure showed those stylists! And all those flat-chested skater boys.
Are you by chance related to Laura Ingall's husband Manly?
so enjoyed this Laura/ thanks 4 my smile;-)
Well thank YOU for your smile.
Damnit, I so date myself by laughing as hard as I did to “Charles! Charles!…” I wonder what the reaction would be if I ran down the beach yelling that for fun.
After you yell that on the beach, go to a canyon and yell “BOBBY! CINDY!!”
I so want to post a pic of my long grey hair and say, “Eat your heart out, ladies.” But I'm not that mean.
Well now that would be honest! If the writer had said that, it'd be worthy of all the popularity.
I read that article and loved it, because I feel like people think I'm a
crazy cat lady or something. Never thought of it as bragging or that anyone
would be envious.
~LaVonne
I read that article a few days ago, and it’s been bugging me ever since. I rarely think about articles I like, but ones that just GRATE? Why are THOSE the ones that stick in my head? Thank you for this post! I didn’t think about the ‘my hair is long and glorious’ angle. I was just thinking, ‘You’re a writer. So, basically you could shave your head and no one would care. Why are you complaining again?’ Now maybe I can get that column out of my head. They should just give YOU all the columns.
So annoying, right? And yes, they should give me all the columns. Then, the Times would be full of references to Little House, Silver Spoons, and other important cultural touchstones. And way more readable.
I am an *extremely* manly lesbian who recently grew long hair. Why? Because I was tired of paying for haircuts that were inevitably not worth their price. I decided to teach stylists everywhere a thing or two by not getting my hair cut or trimmed for a year and a half. As usually happens with the silent treatment, it was very effective!
It was so stringy and gross. I looked like a greasy teenage skater boy with boobs. And graying hair.
(I’ve really got to change this stupid Disqus picture…)
You sure showed those stylists! And all those flat-chested skater boys.
Are you by chance related to Laura Ingall’s husband Manly?
so enjoyed this Laura/ thanks 4 my smile;-)
Well thank YOU for your smile.
Damnit, I so date myself by laughing as hard as I did to “Charles! Charles!…” I wonder what the reaction would be if I ran down the beach yelling that for fun.
After you yell that on the beach, go to a canyon and yell “BOBBY! CINDY!!”
I so want to post a pic of my long grey hair and say, “Eat your heart out, ladies.” But I’m not that mean.
Well now that would be honest! If the writer had said that, it’d be worthy of all the popularity.
I read that article and loved it, because I feel like people think I’m a
crazy cat lady or something. Never thought of it as bragging or that anyone
would be envious.
~LaVonne