We all have imaginary conversations in our heads, right?
I have them constantly. I replay conversations that have already happened and think of all the things I should have said. And I rehearse future conversations with friends or acquaintances that I think will be hard. Like, “Here’s why I can’t come to your birthday dinner,” etc.
But most of all, I make up confrontations between myself and strangers. The kind of angry, chest-poking interactions I wouldn’t even think of having with anyone I’m going to see again.
Nowhere do I do this more than during air travel. Between arriving at the airport and getting off that plane, there are endless opportunities for a run-in. I mentally act out every one of them.
Here are the places these fantasy arguments may or may not have taken place on my latest trip:
1) In line for check-in.
When the people in front of me have moved forward but I haven’t yet because I’m finishing a text or something, this is the short play that goes on in my head:
PERSON BEHIND ME: Excuse me, you can move forward.
ME: I will in just a second.
PERSON BEHIND ME: Well, we’re all waiting here behind you.
ME: You’re not going to get to the front any faster whether I move up now or in a minute. There are still 20 people ahead of us.
PERSON BEHIND ME: But you’re creating a delay.
ME: No I’m not, it’s just a space between me and the person in front of me. It would cause a delay if I were at the front of the line and being called but not going forward, but that’s not the case. However, since it seems to make such an emotional difference to you, I’ll move up right now. Because you seem rather fragile.
What really happens: I see the space in front of me, and move up.
2) On my way through security.
I hear them asking people to please remove their jackets. I’m wearing a longish cardigan, and I know they’re going to make me take it off – as they have before. In my mind, I defend my right to keep on the cardigan:
INSPECTOR: Ma’am, please remove your jacket and put it in the tray.
ME: Oh, actually, it’s not a jacket. It’s a sweater.
INSPECTOR: Ma’am, please just remove it. You can’t go through the detector with a jacket.
ME: But what makes it a jacket? Is it because it’s hip length? Or because it opens in the front? If it were a pullover, would you make me take it off? Feel it — it’s knitted merino wool. That makes it a sweater.
INSPECTOR: Ma’am, you’re holding up the line. Please just remove the jacket.
ME: Fine. I’ll remove my “jacket” — which we both know is a sweater. But this is ridiculous. And, the last time I fly this airline.
INSPECTOR:[ No answer.]
What really happens: I don’t want to be that person. So I take off the sweater and put it in the stupid tray before anyone can make a stink.
3) Boarding.
I have my carry-on and two personal items — a structured bag, and a small tote that holds my wallet, phone and boarding pass just to keep them handy. You’re only allowed one personal item, and so I wonder if the gate attendant will try this:
GATE ATTENDANT: I can’t let you board with all three of those bags.
ME: Oh, it’s really two bags. This tote fits right inside the small bag — see?
I demonstrate.
GATE ATTENDANT: I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s still one extra bag, whether it’s inside the other bag or not. You’re only allowed one overhead bag and one personal item.
ME: Why do you care that I have a bag inside my one bag? Have you gone through all the other passengers’ bags to make sure they don’t have bags inside of them? What if they have a bag of food inside their one bag? Or a cosmetics kit? That’s a bag. If you don’t let me on with my bag-inside-a-bag, you’ll have to go through everyone else’s bags to make sure they aren’t sneaking on interior bags, either.
GATE ATTENDANT: OK, you have a point. I’ll let you on with it but in the future —
I don’t hear the rest of what she says because I’m done with her and boarding the plane. I’ve won this round.
What really happens: I take everything out of my tote and stuff it into my other bag before I board so it’s not an issue.
4) On the plane.
The aisle is blocked for at least half an hour by the snack and beverage carts. I decide to use the restroom at the front of the plane, anticipating this:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I’m sorry, this bathroom is for first class passengers only.
ME: Well, the aisle to the other bathroom is blocked.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You’ll just have to wait, ma’am.
ME: I have a bladder condition. And waiting will just make it worse and lead to medical complications, which would be the airline’s liability. Since no one is waiting to use the first class bathroom, why not let me use it really quickly? Wouldn’t that be easier than getting your name tied up in a long, involved legal case?
(I don’t have a bladder condition, but I easily could. Does she really want to take that chance?)
What really happens: I use the first class bathroom and no one says anything.
5) Boarding for the second leg, on a tiny prop plane.
GATE AGENT: Have a great flight. And hold on — you’ll want to put this tag on your suitcase and leave it at the end of the jetway for storage.
ME: What? Why?? It’s a carry-on.
GATE AGENT: Well, it’s too large for the overhead compartments.
ME: But it’s regulation size!
GATE AGENT: Regardless, it’s too big, and it won’t fit.
ME: Well I bought it specifically so I wouldn’t have to check and wait for my luggage. And I chose it according to the airline’s specifications. Now you’re telling me that the dimensions on the website are wrong?
GATE AGENT: All I’m saying is that it won’t fit. This is a tiny prop plane. You can try, but I promise you, it’ll end up stored below.
ME: Great. Just great. Maybe US Air should pay for this luggage set I bought for nothing.
What really happens: Actually, that is what happened. I didn’t make this one up. Though I muttered the last line to myself so that the guy couldn’t hear it. But as you can see, the ones I conjured in my head aren’t far off the mark.
You are too too funny. I’m just catching up on all your blogging… It’s not easy being Laura Belgray! Between writing witty copy that makes me LOL (sorry), having exhausting conversations in your head, and searching for the impossible birthday gift, how do you have time for anything else? Love it…keep em coming. You’re starting to make me feel normal (that’s if you’re normal too). xoxo
and ps – i cannot believe you found that action park ad. i was obsessed with that place. i can still remember jumping off the “cliff” and sliding so fast down the “kamikaze” i had a wedgie for 3 days. luge-ing on concrete at 60 mph? what were our parents thinking??
Conversations like that are really tough! I hate when I find myself in those situations. It is just the worst. But maybe if I rehearsed like you do, then I would be more prepared, and say what I actually wanted to say!
.-= Vic´s last blog ..Japanese Hair Straightening =-.
You and my wife should get together – the four of you would have a whale of a time.
She has an imaginary friend, too.
So funny, Laura! I avoid confrontations in real life, but have these convos in my head all the time!
Dare I confess that he latest ones are with an 11 year old girl who is being mean to Allie at school these days. I have imagined more than one verbal exchange, or well-crafted email to put this little bitch in her place! Now, how crazy is that?!
I don’t know how crazy that is, Nancy. I can’t think of anything scarier than an 11-year-old girl. I would keep all my verbal exchanges with her in my head. Who dares confront one of those beasts in real life?
Two very important things:
1. I think we’re secretly twins. Like on the inside.
2. I also think you should change all your posts that are listed as “uncategorized” to “whatevs”
The end.
.-= Marian Schembari´s last blog ..3 Annoying Comments Other Bloggers Made =-.
Should we come out as twins, or keep it our secret?
You’re right, I’m creating a whatevs category.
Fin.
I am obsessed with you and your writing.
That’s all:)
xxxoo
CC
.-= Catherine´s last blog ..Why a Great Attitude’s The Ultimate Style Accessory =-.
I can’t knock that! Thanks, Catherine. Please never stop being obsessed.
Me: Yes, Laura is the only one having conversations with herself.
Me2: No she’s not! You’re having one right now, stupidhead!
Me: Are you high?!? It only happens to Laura!
Me2: No, it doesn’t!
Me: Yes it does!
Me2: Shut up stupidhead!
Me: Don’t call me stupidhead! You’re the stupidhead!
Talking to oneself is a sign of genius or insanity (depends on who you ask…I think I’ll ask Me2 today).
Thanks for a much-needed laugh on this crazy Tuesday!
Don’t make me take sides here.
Do you do this just on paper and in type or do you think out loud as well?
I guess timing is everything with this kind of rationalisation, don’t you think?
.-= WIlliam Ray´s last blog ..Close-up image work =-.
What what?
In reference to the point you made about conversations.
I've just realised this is three months old. I've also realised that it for reason links to my photography and one of my IT self-help pages.
Can I help you?
LOL! Hysterical, Laura.
I have these conversations primarily in places like the grocery store….when the woman in line ahead of me at the express checkout has three times the limit for the lane.
Or when some over-wrought mother is being verbally abusive to her toddler or on the flip side…letting the toddler wreak havoc throughout the store.
Most of the time I keep it zipped, but every once in awhile…I just can’t seem to help myself. ; )
Thanks for the laughs!
Oh, the grocery store is another minefield of triggers. Almost as bad as the airport.
Giggling…and kind of blushing thinking…did she hear me think that? I’m so there with you.
But, hoping you didn’t hear when I get really fierce. Those head thoughts in the shower 2 days after getting cut off in mid-story or some other tragic event.
I love seeing your newsletter hit my email. I know I’m in for a treat!
I did hear you think that. I heard the whole thing.
i agree with marie–you are so witty and smart!
how wonderful that you have the poise and grace to keep these conversations b/w you and your inner voice.
it’s so easy to be snide, and just not worth it in the long run.
Marie and I thank you for agreeing with her, Linda!
It does take incredible self-control and grace to keep those discussions private.
You make me laugh out loud everytime! I had the TSA guy wish me a happy birthday. At first I thought – how nice. Then I started to think maybe he was using trickery to see if it really was me.
Wait! Forget the trickery. It was your birthday?
What a delight to open my e-mail to find this post- I am so glad to find out that I am not the only one walking along having these intense “what if” conversations with myself- only to find myself speechless when the airline attendant advised me she was confiscating my purse to put in the overhead bin!
In my head, of course, I said “fine, I will just stand up on my chair and hold onto the bin so no one steals my purse.”
Oh, man! I can attest for that last one-I watched the guy get huffy with Laura as she INSISTED that her bag fit all regulations and she was fierce! I had to laugh because she was not taking no for an answer….
Belgray–you forgot the part about the flight attendant deciding she was going to pick on you for the whole flight on the prop plane–that was my personal favorite 🙂 She was like that “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” on Seinfield, but with her cups of water instead. Maybe you better give up the travel for awhile and stay home. It’s safer there 🙂
Love the conversations in my head–I am so powerful in there! Great reminder that most are pretty funny, but never really as dynamic as when I think them up. Thanks for another great post!
I know. I wanted to work that Kate Gosselin bag-and-water nazi into this post, but I had to stop somewhere. She’s a story in herself.
Wow, she hated me. She was probably having a secret conversation in her head about denying me water.
HAHA! I totally did this on the way home Sunday nite!
I got in trouble for having my hand lotion and small bottle of saline solution in my purse. Which by the way I had when I flew out to AZ and 2 weeks before when I flew to FL. Neither time did anyone say anything but this time it was a big deal. After the ordeal I was thinking of all the things I should have said…HAHA!
In the end a lot of what we think is gonna happen never happens which is an awesome thing, of course unless that thing ends up being much worse which is not cool at all.
Love this artice and thanks for bringing to light the imaginary conversations we have. Next time I have one (which is bound to happen) I will remember to just laugh it off 🙂
Oh man, do they go nuts over lotion in a purse. Goddamn the bastards who came up with explosives made from liquid.
It is true that many of us have conversations running through our heads & it’s funny how many of those conversations end up happening the way we thought they’d take place or similar to the way we thought they’d take place. This is why it’s so important to control our thoughts & not let our thoughts control us and to make sure our thoughts are positive! 🙂
I assume you mean how few of those conversations happen the way we thought they would – unless you’re way more psychic than I am. In which case, props to you.
This makes me feel so much better about all the crazy scenarios that go through my brain at any given moment! Mine aren’t necessarily conversations but more like “What if this or that happens?”
Of course, I always think that makes me ready for anything but it’s always that one scenario I don’t think about that actually ends up happening. : )
.-= Sara Carbaugh´s last blog ..Episode Two: The Departed =-.
Yeah. All that preparation for naught.
You just wrote one of those posts that everyone thinks about but no one actually talks about… until now- bravo! The funny thing about these conversations is that I seem to have them while laying in bed at night, never when the person is right there in front of me. The “shoulda said that” kind are the WORST! Why is it that we can’t think of these things while we are in the moment? Why does the BEST comeback line pop into your head at 1am instead of 1pm? There has to be a system for kicking the wit in gear on a moment’s notice… Whoever it is that can come up with that one will be one RICH cat! Judging by this post, you may be just the cat to do it 😉
.-= Britt´s last blog ..15 First Business Ideas for Moms =-.
Haha. Thanks, Britt. It’s true. I come up with my sharpest lines when no one on either coast is still awake. But even if I did come up with the good ones on the spot, I wouldn’t be sure how to monetize it.
That’s the real trick.
this is your best EVER. and i’m not saying it because i’m married to you. come to think of it, i feel that you sound more and more like me in your writing. that’s why i like it. i’m a narcissist.
Wow! Thanks, totally objective Hubby! I guess you must be telling the truth if it got you to comment. That’s a first.
I’m honored.
I fly all the time. And, I have this “how many carry-ons do I have” conversation with myself every time. You see, I go through *security* with only 1 carry on and 1 personal bag, but then I unconsolidate them and buy stuff in the store so by the time I get on the plane, I’m holding 3 or 4 bags. But one of them is *plastic* AND I don’t put anything in the overhead AND two of them are small. So obviously I should win the argument. But no one ever argues with me.
How much energy am I spending on this?
One reason I love your blog is b/c I feel less insane. Or, maybe that I am clearly insane but not the only one. Yay.
.-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Sorry, I Don’t Have Any Angst Tonight. =-.
I always mentally dare them to say something about the plastic bags. Especially when they’re airport purchases. They’re lucky they don’t stop you with those plastic bags, or they’d have my imaginary argument to contend with.
You are not at all alone in being insane. And this is a sane-free zone.
EPW, I got stopped by the flight attendant on the way onto a United flight for having a food container in my hand. Not joking. One carry-on (yes, it was overflowing with plastic bag airport purchases, a laptop and my purse, but it was still one friggin bag!) and a brown bag with food that was confiscated…
No one ever argues with you? What’s your secret? Do I need to go get my Law degree? 😉
.-= Britt´s last blog ..15 First Business Ideas for Moms =-.
Your so flipping funny! I especially have those conversations when I am pissed off at someone and they get really good….and of course I always win 🙂
Yeah, you should win those. I feel especially defeated when I lose the ones in my head.
See, I actually have these encounters. I once did a “solid, liquid, gas” lesson for a TSA agent who wanted to toss my $40 Chanel lipstick. I was like “dude, this is a solid.” And got quite hysterical. Which almost got me taken to the terrorist room. I’ll have to dig up my old post about it. The airport is great fodder for writers. 🙂
Get out. No. Someone accused your lipstick of being a liquid? That’s the kind of conversation I would DEFINITELY have out loud. Oooh, that makes me mad just hearing about it.
You’re right, I should live in the airport. There’s no shortage of material there. The madder I get, the more I have to write about.
That is SO WRONG. I once had to throw away shampoo and conditioner, which I would have been fine with… only they originally let me past security, the flight was delayed for 2 hours so I exited to smoke and didn’t get through security with it the second time. Long story short, I am so glad I don’t smoke anymore. LOL
.-= Samantha´s last blog ..Bibliotherapy & Procrastination =-.
Your writing just gets better and better and better. I think I laughed out loud 5 times. I’d like to write something more witty and smart, but my brain is mush. xoo M
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Will Social Media Really Grow Your Business? =-.
Thnaks so much, Mush Brain!
You take a much-deserved day off from being witty and smart.
xoL