Announcement! Talking Shrimp is going on vacation.
No, not without me. I’m on an afternoon flight tomorrow, direct to Napoli, Italy.
My husband is probably thinking I’ve given away too much information – like knowing our destination will make burglars more likely to break in. We have an elaborate alarm system of lasers like in Robin Coldord’s house on that Cheers episode, FYI. (I hope all the burglars out there have watched all of Cheers.)
All this is to say, I’ll be posting again when I’m back. You’ll know when I’m back because you’ll see a blog post. And if you see one before then, it means the burglars got in past the lasers, past my wordrpress password, and took over my blog and my business. (Burglars – would you, please?)
I get all kinds of nervous the day before a trip.
What do I need to pack, what will I pack that I know I won’t need but insist on packing anyway…because really, why would I dress fancier in a foreign country than I do in NYC?
And now I’m nervous about the flight. I’m nervous that the person in back of me will have the Knee Defender.
Did you read about this gadget? Evil genius.
It’s a contraption you snap onto your setback tray that keeps the person in front of you from reclining.
This week, a United Airlines pilot grounded a flight — actually landed the plane — because two passengers were fighting about the knee defender. A man locked ‘n’ loaded it, as the woman in front of him discovered when she tried to put her seat back. He refused to take it off, and she threw water in his face.
The discussion around it is all kinds of controversial. Pro-reclining, anti-reclining, pro-knee-defender, anti…
With all the high emotions around which passenger claims property rights, the space behind an airplane seat is the new Gaza. [Tweet “The space behind an airplane seat is the new Gaza. via @lbelgray”]
My take? I have the right to lean back. And, people should be courteous. If I lean back and Shaquille O’Neal is behind me, and he yells, “Ow!” when I hit his long legs, and then nicely asks, “Excuse me, would you mind putting your seat up? I know it’s your right to recline, but there’s no room for my legs” well then, by all means. I’ll sadly, but kindly, put my seat up and suffer even more than I normally do in coach.
Here’s what I have to say about the Knee Defender:
1) Not cool, bro. Genius but not cool.
2) Not necessary.
My sister and I did a DIY Knee Defender on my dad years ago. He was sitting in front of us on a flight, and annoying us – probably asking us to quit kicking him – so we put our feet up against his seat quietly, and pushed back when he tried to recline. He thought his seat was broken, so he summoned the flight attendant, whom he’d already detained many times to ask her where she was from, where exactly in Scotland, what’s her last name, maybe Jewish? Does she speak Scottish, and could he please have more ice with his tomato juice.
When she came over, as soon as he tried to show her how his seat wouldn’t go back, we took our feet away and let it go.
That’s how you do it!
But never mind the Knee Defender.
Here’s what they really need to invent.
The Arm-Rest Invader Repeller
This is a magic solution that makes your arm rest feel soaking wet to the person next to you, but you experience it as dry. Maybe it requires you to wear special sleeves. Haven’t figured it out.
Head Rest Hand Shocker
Anyone who uses your headrest to hoist themselves up when they stand gets tazed. Unless that makes a person lose control of their bladder and or bowels. Does it? Rethink.
Bathroom-Line-Jerkhead Lockdown Gate
Stay with me here. You know when you’re on your way to the restroom, because you’ve waited for the perfect moment when there’s no line, and someone down the aisle ahead of you spots you coming, jumps out of his/her seat, and beats you to the bathroom? I want prison-like bars, or a cage, to come down around that person’s seat at the press of a button. Right?
The Nose Defender
A gadget that clips your seat mate’s butt cheeks together, so farts won’t come out.
What did I leave out? Do you have any airplane invention ideas to protect your rights as a passenger and human?
What’s your stance on reclining and the knee defender?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Or, leave a question for future posts. I love questions.
What ever happened to common courtesy? Seems to me a simple “Please,” and “Thank you” while asking the person ahead of you to return their seat to the upright position SHOULD be sufficient. If they are inconsiderate enough to ignore your request, then ask an attendant to repeat your request. Refusing direction of a Flight Attendant on board an airliner is a Federal Offense, or so they claim. Failing that, a few kicks, jerks, pounds, or episodes of “Restless Leg Syndrome” IS appropriate.
(I recall a flight that was “sold out” and one passenger found that her seatback had been removed! I can picture the passenger behind that seat on a previous flight loosening the bolts to cure a Space Invader Recliner. LOL)
Laura brilliant as always! additional ideas:
People need to be shamed, loudly, like with flashing lights & loud alarms, if they are aimlessly standing in the aisle while the flight is boarding (what are they doing? Sort of standing around, sort of sitting down but not really, clueless that they are infuriating everyone trying to get to their seat & possibly delaying take off time) or if they take endless minutes to squeeze in their luggage in the overhead. Dude/lady: at some point you’re going to have to face the cold fact that your bag IS NOT GOING TO FIT UP THERE! Check it and sit down.
And someone needs to invent the ‘food snatcher’: it snatches and seamlessly disposes of stinky McDonalds or Taco Bell being eaten (slowly & loudly) by some douche bag next to you.
Kenny, you have excellent ideas. Maybe there’s a way to cover those people in unwashable dye, like shoplifting offenders. I’ve always liked the idea (could be urban myth) of that dye in swimming pools that’s activated by pee, and creates a colored circle around the pee-er.
Although, not really fair to women who’ve given birth and can’t help releasing a little if, say, they laugh or sneeze in the pool.
Can the food snatcher work on subways, too?
Laura,
Before the airlines restricted easy upgrades to first class, you had solved the anti-recliner problem: your ability to charm the flight attendant to switching you to first class worked like magic. So did Marian’s!
You’re off to great places! I hope you have a fab trip and can soak up some sun. Let yourself be your very own solar panel.
This post is glorious and so appropriate. I’m always a victim of sitting behind the over-recliner.
The people that put their seats back so far that then I feel it is my duty to remain completely upright as to not disturb the person behind me.
I’m a flight martyr.
xoxo
Laugh out loud funny Laura Belgray. I needed that. I especially love the The Arm-Rest Invader Repeller and The Nose Defender. Let’s work on those, get copywright or a patent or whatever you need so that it’s yours and no one else can steal it and then retire and be triscoastal.
Thanks, Mo! (I’d use your full name, but that violates some blog etiquette if you didn’t volunteer it.)
I bet there are a bunch of patent lawyers in OC. Or are they all plastic surgeons and contractors (and plastic surgeons insulting contractors)?
Retire and be tricoastal. We will live the dream.
I’m so sad to be coming to this when you’re in mad packing mode (as opposed to rapid-comment-response mode)! Love this post! I totally remember doing that to Dad. We were evil, evil geniuses ourselves.
Let’s see, I’d like to invent a “whine-cork-n’-throw,” that silences my own children’s cries and whines. But here’s the best part– it throws their voices into children in another part of the plane so everybody thinks it’s some other idiot’s kids who won’t shut up. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa-hahhhh-ha! (Evil genius laugh. Sp?)
Delayed-comment-response mode will have to do! Thanks, Sis. And thanks for corroborating my story. I love that invention. Steven wishes he could throw my voice to someone else’s wife when I ask for an extra free snack or something else that he thinks comes off as “entitled.”
Let’s get a kickstarter going.
How about something that stops the kid from constantly kicking the back of the seat? Actually, this happens to me more in movie theaters than airplanes, and I don’t really care about the kid. It’s the parent I want to taser for shitty parenting and lack of ability to parent.
Have a great trip to Italy, but watch the garlic at the end of your trip or it’ll be YOUR ass that needs a device of some kind.
I can’t judge the parents because I don’t have kids. I can only judge the kids and their kicking. And I do.
Vacation??!! What the deuce??? I need my Talking Shrimp!! Seriously, enjoy your trip. And I WISH there were such a thing as the Arm-Rest Invader Repeller!!!
I wish there were such a thing, too! As for your Talking Shrimp fix, bet there are posts in there you’ve never read. Dig in the crates. Or are you an OG reader?
Ban prayer books of all religions — they could be detected by TSA — so that their owners can’t mutter just above a whisper for the whole trip. Fat chance of that happening.
Oh, you know they’ll foil you by memorizing their prayers. Nothing stops these people.
I’m laughing spit now. Your fault! But I don’t mind, I am rather enjoying the ride. Buon viaggio!!!!
Grazie, Indre! And I’ll gladly take the blame for your spit-laughing. Though it doesn’t sound good.
Just brilliant. Always so much fun to read your work.
Question: where does this stuff come from???
~ happy trails…
Thank, Rupali.
It comes from a dark, dark place. 🙂
Lucky you, enjoy your trip! If things get too aggravating on your flight, just keep repeating to yourself, “I’m on my way to Italy … I’m on my way to Italy….”
Thanks! I have a feeling that if I keep repeating that, people (also on their way to Italy) will want to kill me. Or did you mean in my head?
Head Rest Hand Shocker – let me know when you get that sorted out. Nothing spoils a 14 hour flight more than that. Well, except for crying babies, farters, and of course the all-time buzzkill of turbulence that cancels beverage service.
Oh, and if you can invent something that will Keep The Guy Next to Me’s Meaty Legs from Lifting the Armchair and Infringing on My Space, put me down for one of those twoo.
Oh, Meaty Legs! So descriptive. I hate space spill-overs. I know it’s not their fault that the airplane’s too small. But I have to take it out on someone.
Oh Laura! I’ve grown rather fond of these morning posts, so I will defo miss you (I’m practicing abbreve talk – don’t like it).
I endured a 14 hour flight to Shanghai as my first over the ocean flight last spring. Your soaking arm rest idea is the best one, truly. Some people will feel your arm there and push against it – it’s really a game of chicken eh! I can’t handle it and am usually the one who gives first. As I’m staying put, I can feel the anxiety rising, rising, rising, and then I just can’t do it anymore. My elbows are pretty bony so maybe next time I should adjust and make them do the work for me? I don’t know.
Happy holiday in Italy!
Thanks, Sheryl! I’ll defo miss you too.
I hate the armrest chicken game. And yet I engage. So not worth it.
“The space behind the seat is the new Gaza…” Brilliant! I wish I’d thought of that. A definite tweet – with proper attribution, of course.
Bon voyage, Laura! Enjoy your vacation! *she cried with bitter envy* (Not really. I’m happy for you.)
Thank you! And thanks for tweeting. You inspired me to install a plugin and make it a tweetable. How about that?